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From CAPCOM…a game company that insists on killing its own franchises to make games that will be hated and rejected by the very fans that made it a household name on consoles…

Comes the latest non-survival-horror entry in a game series that became famous for being survival-horror…

RESIDENT EVIL 7

Join your favorite characters in this latest terrifying entry…

Chris Redfield

A free-spirited man whose free-spirited antics include being depressed and mumbling moodily and who consistently does anabolic steroids and yet is no stronger than whatever 98-pound weakling partner he’s paired with and no more durable to being ripped apart by monsters…

Jill Valentine

A strong, independent woman who nevertheless constantly needs muscular men to rescue her from peril, and whose special survival training includes being an expert at playing the piano, unscrewing things, spontaneously aging ten years, and becoming an albino…

Leon S. Kennedy

A special agent infected with a chronic virus that is slowly bleaching his hair and turning him into a hobo…

Claire Redfield

A fiery young woman who went from being badass enough to go “Ellen Ripley” in Resident Evil 2 and to single-handedly destroy an Umbrella facility in Resident Evil: CODE Veronica…to being a pacifistic peacenik who doesn’t even ask Leon for a gun during an outbreak until she’s about to become zombie food and ditches a little girl who came to see her as an older sister figure after watching her parents die before her eyes without ever even trying to make contact again…

A Partner for Each of Them

Whose names aren’t important because they’ll never be seen again after this game…and…

Rebecca Chambers

Because we suddenly remembered that she lived through the prequel and first game and was never heard from again.

As they battle the nefarious…

Albert Wesker

Who is immortal thanks to his plot armor sunglasses…and has come back from being shot multiple times in the head, poisoned twice, falling out of an airplane into a volcano, being burned up by liquid hot magma, and blown up by two rocket launchers, without so much as a scar as he unleashes his latest horrific Biohazard…

Though not that horrific. More like just really weirdly animated.

Together, this team of heroes will have to endure the ultimate terror and game for survival if they intend to…

Not-actually-save-anyone-from-the-outbreak-but-instead-run-away-from-monsters-the-entire-game-trying-to-discover-the-truth-behind-whose-responsible-for-the-latest-outbreak-and-then-discover-it-is-a-totally-new-virus-developed-by-humanity-hating-psychotic-terrorists-based-off-of-the-T-Virus-and-then-try-to-stop-a-corrupt-organization-from-getting-the-virus-which-leads-them-to-kill-some-random-unimportant-psycho-who-doesn’t-really-matter-because-he-will-never-show-up-again-and-wasn’t-critical-to-the-overall-plot-and-won’t-matter-because-some-d*****bag-will-troll-them-and-get-away-with-the-virus-anyway-and-taunt-the-character-once-out-of-earshot-that-they-were-all-part-of-their-plan-just-to-rub-the-“f***-you”-in-the-player’s-face.

Brace yourself for the ultimate gaming experience in survival horror that’s not a shameless imitation of a Call-of-Duty clone…as you battle the latest monstrous version of the T-Virus…

The T-Shooter Virus

Hold onto your stomachs as you see this deadly pathogen turn innocent people into guys in army fatigues with guns and Middle-Eastern descent faces…

(But it’s not a Call-of-Duty clone.)

…who you will have to fight off by the hundreds. Yet the nightmare is only beginning as shooting them multiple times causes them to mutate into guys with shotguns, machine guns, and rocket launchers…

(Again, it’s not a Call-of-Duty clone.)

…forcing you to take cover behind errant debris and call out flanking manuevers to your partners…

(Seriously, it’s not a Call-of-Duty clone. Honest.)

…to defeat them. Luckily, you’ll get all new weapons to help contain this viral outbreak, such as the claymore mine and the Predator drone targetting laser…

(Dude, stop calling it a Call-of-Duty clone! I’m serious!)

…which you’ll need if you hope to survive the ultimate terrifying mutation of T-Shooter: the Russian Helicopter.

(IT’S NOT A CALL-OF-DUTY CLONE!)

Fight your way through three nightmarish stories with three nightmarish goals…

Join Chris as he spends most of the game trying to save Jill…

Join Jill as she spends most of the game trying to be saved by Chris…

Join Leon as he once again meets with the mysterious and enigmatic…

Ada Wong

Who works for a mysterious organization whose goals obviously include a world apocalypse…and who will once again use Leon to accomplish her objectives before stabbing him in the back…but that’s alright…because Leon enjoys pretending that Ada gives a sh’t about him…which is why he never shoots her the second she’s in front of him…

Brace yourself…for the ultimate survival horror that’s not a Call-of-Duty clone…that will answer the question that has plagued every game since the first entry in the Resident Evil series:

“How can we make sure this game resolves nothing and leaves enough unanswered questions so we can make another game in the series that will also resolve nothing and create more unanswered questions?”

FEATURING…

Lots of dumb costumes for the male characters in mercenary mode, and lots of suggestive, demeaning costumes for the female characters.

NOT STARRING…

Billy Coen

Barry Burton

Carlos Oliveira

Steve Burnside

Angela Miller

Parker Luciani

Jessica Sherawat

Sheva Alomar

Josh Stone

Rick Grimes (Sorry…just seeing if you were bothering to read the list…though it’s technically not starring him either.)

Or any other character whose ultimate fate was left completely up in the air in a previous game/movie.

RESIDENT EVIL 7 – The ultimate non-Call-of-Duty-clone experience in survival horror.

(Known as Biohazard: Call of Duty in Japan.)

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