Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Obviously, this is my knock off of the “How It Should Have Ended” series on Youtube. Very funny. I suggest you check it out!

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED – FINAL FANTASY VII: CRISIS CORE

(Shot cuts to the main office of SOLDIER, as the high executives are looking over simulation footage of the Angeal/Genesis/Sephiroth fight.)

PRESIDENT SHINRA: Amazing. It seems the money I’ve invested in this program has been well spent. So…the SOLDIER units are the strongest warriors in the world?

LAZARD: Well…just about. It seems they have two weaknesses.

PRESIDENT SHINRA: …Go on.

LAZARD: One…the “magic number” of conventional troops you can send against them is 87. Even if they’re First Class, super powered, so powerful they can even defeat gods, have all these powerful summons and spells and whathaveyou and even a Phoenix Down in play, and can beat Genesis, Angeal, and Sephiroth even if they have far more power than they do in this training footage, they’ll still die if you send 87 or more conventional soldiers at them. Very easily. Like we’re talking human shooting gallery. Sword to a gunfight.

RANDOM EXEC: Why would you bring a sword to a gunfight in the first place? I mean…shouldn’t we be training them to use guns? Swords aren’t exactly that useful in the modern day…

RANDOM EXEC 2: Especially ones that are so big only a SOLDIER could even use them properly. I mean…we invested all this time and money into making them fast and strong and we give them this weapon? That’s kind of a handicap…

PRESIDENT SHINRA (Ignoring): Go on. What’s the other weakness?

LAZARD: Well, apparently there was a genetically programmed “blind spot” in their code. It doesn’t matter how strong or fast they are, or even if they can move so fast they literally seem to snap out of existence and reappear somewhere else, or if they can do THAT (points to video) to Junon, or can fly…they’re completely vulnerable to someone coming up behind them and stabbing them.

(Pause)

PRESIDENT SHINRA: Like…sneaking up on them?

LAZARD: No. They can be breathing hard, stomping around, having their boots click and clack really loudly against a metal surface sending echoes everywhere. They still won’t be ready for it. It could be some average-powered joe with severe emotional problems and high levels of mental instability and chronic depression…lifting a sword way too big for them unless they have SOLDIER cells. They’d still always hit them.

(Another uneasy pause)

LAZARD: …But what’s the odds of that happening?

(Scene of Zack and company at the ruins of Banora.)

ZACK: Thanks for the lift, Angeal-Lizard-Man. Can you sit here and make sure no one comes along to kill Cloud? I need to go down into this crater because I feel like killing Genesis although all he wants to do is survive right now rather than do anything that would impact me or anyone else in spite of the fact I really need to be getting as far away as possible from this area before the Shinra Corporation comes looking for us.

LAZARD: Sure thing.

(Zack turns to go, but then pauses and looks back.)

ZACK: Oh, by the way…maybe I should call Cissnei to ask if she can come help us out.

(Lazard grimaces.)

ZACK: Uh…Cissnei died of menegitis three years ago.

(Zack stares.)

ZACK: …Huh?

LAZARD: Yeah…I didn’t want to upset you, but you’ve been swimming in that tube back in Nibelheim for four years.

(Zack blinks.)

ZACK: Hmm…well, that sucks. Anyway, off to kill Genesis!

LAZARD: (Looks confused) You…don’t really seem to be broken up about that…

ZACK: I still got Aerith, right?

LAZARD: I…I guess, but…weren’t you boyfriend and girlfriend with Cissnei?

ZACK: I’m boyfriend and girlfriend with a LOT of people. One of the many perks about being a SOLDIER. Come on, man…you had that fanclub.

LAZARD: Er…

ZACK: I even told Cloud my biggest dream I hope he carries out for me if I ever bite the big one is that he’ll be able to play two girls at once and they know all about it. I think he can pull it off, don’t you?

LAZARD: …Uh…

ZACK: Later!

(Zack turns and runs off. Lazard blinks a few times, then looks to Cloud.)

LAZARD: On the plus side, I met you at least. And you seem to be aware of everything that’s going on in spite of your state. So even after I die, at least you’ll carry on my story, right?

(Cloud groans. Lazard smiles.)

LAZARD: That’s what I thought.

(Scene cuts to after Zack finally gets dropped. The soldiers stop shooting.)

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: Wow…that was tough.

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: Don’t you think it’s kind of weird that we all shot him but he doesn’t have one bullet hole on him?

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: Whatever. (Sighs) You know…this whole thing was so much effort…I think I just want to give up and go home.

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: (Looking to him in confusion) …Huh?

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: (Looking around) Guys? Can we all agree this was way too much of a hassle? Want to just call it quits and go home?

(Everyone mutters their approval.)

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: But…I thought we still need to get the Sephiroth clone…

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: Forget that. I’m on leave tomorrow for a month.

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: But…we just killed the only person who could have stopped us from getting him…

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: Yeah, but now we’ve got to go through all the trouble of finding wherever he hid the guy…then bring him back…

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: …He didn’t exactly have time to find that many places to hide. For all we know he’s on the other side of those rocks right over there… (Points) You know…the ones where you can hear a guy moaning…

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: Dude…killing him took so much out of me I just don’t care anymore.

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: Isn’t this, like, the key to the future of Shinra’s SOLDIER program? Didn’t we chase this guy over an entire continent? Now we’re just going to “let him go”?

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: (Angry) Dude, shut up! Stop being a buzzkill! You’re going to run yourself ragged if you don’t learn to start cutting corners on this job! We’ll just say he’s died or we lost him or something!

SHINRA SOLDIER 2: But…he’s still valuable dead…

SHINRA SOLDIER 1: JUST SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK!

(Later, back in Shinra HQ)

SHINRA LAB GUY: Sorry, professor… Although we killed Zack Flair, it seems the Sephiroth clone evaded us.

HOJO: No matter. We’ll just grab him the first city he pops up in.

SHINRA LAB GUY: …Sir…how can we do that?

HOJO: …We have his bio, right?

SHINRA LAB GUY: (Uneasy) …Uh…

HOJO: The man was an employee of the Shinra military for almost three years, and we don’t have his bio?!

SHINRA LAB GUY: Well, he was from Nibelheim, right?

HOJO: Yes…

SHINRA LAB GUY: And…you told us to delete the records of everyone in Nibelheim, right…?

HOJO: (Long pause) …You didn’t think for one second that I might have wanted an exception for the experiment?

SHINRA LAB GUY: I…uh…er…

HOJO: You are so fired…and going into the nearest unoccupied mako pod.

The End

Advertisements