(Update: June 6, 2014 – Ha! I beat you to it by seven months, Cinema Sins!)
I think “Frozen” was the greatest Disney movie in 20 years, and I don’t even watch Disney movies anymore. I loved it. Unfortunately, I’m driven to hurt the things I love. This is mostly intended for a quick laugh or for those of you (whoever you are) who didn’t like the movie. If you haven’t seen it yet…please do not let this distract you from seeing the film at all because it’s wonderful.
Again, this is a shameless knock-off of “Cinema Sins”. Check them out on Youtube. They’re great so long as you don’t mind nitpicking. 😀
Let’s get started…
In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.
Misleading opening score makes you think you accidentally sat down to “The Lion King”.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 1
Disney continues trend of using one-word adjectives for titles of movies.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 2
What exactly is Kristov’s story? Is he an orphan? If so, are these ice fishermen cool with him just “squatting” with them?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 3
Is ice really that lucrative of a career? This movie is set. In. NORWAY.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 4
Apparently there was a legend written in this book in “Lord of the Rings” dwarf characters that specifically reads: “If your daughter is ever born with powers over ice and snow, and she accidentally shoots her sister with them, go to this grove and talk to the ‘head rock troll’.”
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 5
Head rock troll specifically says “fear will be your enemy”, indicating that fear makes Elsa’s powers go unstable, so king and queen do everything possible to make Elsa live in a constant state of fear for 13 years. Maybe they just should have fed her buckets of fish heads while they were at it.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 6
Can Elsa eat or drink? Or does she freeze everything she bites into?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 7
Was just the castle sealed up or was the entire country closed off? It seems to be the latter, which is a bit extreme. I’m surprised the king didn’t just kill all the citizens to keep them from ever interacting with Elsa while he was at it.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 8
Duke of Weselton played by Basil Exposition.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 9
Hey there, Rapunzel.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 10
ANNA & ELSA: “Chocolate!”
So whether you’re an “old style” Disney princess or a “modern” Disney princess, so long as you’re a woman, chocolate is your catnip.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 11
Exactly how long was the party going on? Apparently long enough for Hans and Anna to climb up to every remote location in Arendelle within the vicinity of the main city.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 12
If this was any other Disney princess movie, Elsa would be the curmudgeony old fart, like Triton in “The Little Mermaid” or the Sultan in “Aladdin” for not consenting to Anna marrying Hans. Here, she’s suddenly sensible.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 13
The people of Arendelle should be way colder than they are considering how they’re dressed. Elsa just froze the entire harbor as well as the surrounding ocean. Since this is seawater, that means we’re looking at arctic-level temperatures.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 14
Ok, it’s pretty much clear that Elsa is completely immune to cold temperatures, line in “Let It Go” notwithstanding. She’s wearing a dress made out of ice on bare skin. However, Anna has to have some resistance too if she’s literally been riding around on horseback all day wearing a summer dress with only a dress cape and it’s not until night is about to fall that she even starts shivering.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 15
Anna’s little “dip” in the creek doesn’t give her frostbite…or rips her flesh when her dress is pulled off of her bare legs.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 16
Oaken’s last set of winter clothes and boots is just Anna’s size and even complements the dress she’s wearing.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 17
Plus…those winter clothes suck if she’s going out in arctic-level temperatures AT NIGHT.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 18
Neither Kristov or Anna are getting frostbite from the sleigh ride in spite of not having scarfs.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 19
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 20
Is Kristov psychic or just insane and projecting a split personality onto Sven like a crazy ventriloquist?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 21
The people of Arendelle live in Norway. Summer or not, I find it a bit hard to believe every last person in town waits until the end of the summer to make the slightest preparations for winter.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 22
Let’s see…horse came back in through that gate, and you have a distant view of the North Mountain from this gate…Anna is obviously at the North Mountain.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 23
Apparently every snowman Elsa has ever built was named “Olaf” and looked exactly the same as the one she made with Anna 13 years ago.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 24
See while she’s climbing? Right there. Bare skin. Anna might as well have put a bedsheet around herself.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 25
Elsa is a god. She actually can create life, and do it so casually she didn’t even know she could do it. She doesn’t need any conscious will to even use her power. Even if she froze all life on Earth, she could literally remake the planet in her image.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 26
Pretty sure Elsa only created Marshmallow with the intent of having him throw Anna and Kristov out…not actually wanting them dead like the giant snowman seems to think.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 27
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 28
Also, it appears as if where the trolls live is completely immune to Elsa’s power. There’s not even snow on the ground.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 29
So the movie seems to be trying to say marrying Hans on the spur of the moment would have been bad, but letting the rock trolls surprise Anna and Kristov with a ceremony would have been fine?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 30
During the scene in the prison cell, one of the animators suddenly remembered: “Wait…breath mists when it’s cold out.” and then forgot again as soon as the scene was over.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 31
…Yeah, Kristov’s hat will definitely make an appreciable difference to Anna’s overall body temperature. (Could have been worse. He could have cut open Sven and shoved Anna inside.)
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 32
Hans mentions that no one could approach Elsa because she was too aloof, but the kingdom of Arendelle has been sealed for 13 years. How did he know that? During the brief window of time in which Hans could have interacted with Elsa, namely while Anna and the Duke were dancing, did he reach that conclusion? Or was this all based on the 8 year old Elsa?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 33
Hans, even in Norway, marriages still need witnesses.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 34
How did Olaf get into the castle? Did he push open the gates with his nose too?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 35
Apparently Olaf willing to melt if he can keep Anna warm is not enough of an act of “true love”. Neither is Anna willing to freeze if she can keep Olaf from melting.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 36
However Olaf got into the castle apparently works for getting back out again too, because Anna’s hardly in a shape to be pushing open the gate.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 37
Wind is hurricane level yet Kristov and Anna are still able to walk/run in it.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 38
Since Elsa can bestow life on her constructs, couldn’t she have technically brought Anna back to life?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 39
How exactly did Elsa end the winter? “Love” isn’t really an explanation. Was there any point in which Elsa wasn’t feeling love for anyone? The whole reason she never spoke to her sister or interacted with her was to keep from hurting her. That’s also why she threw her out. Even when she told her to leave at the party it was so she wouldn’t have to live miserable and alone like her. Assuming she wasn’t feeling love before that…so…does she now? Does she just turn it on and off like that? What happens the next time she hates someone? Even if she has control, the problem still remains next time she accidentally hits someone in the chest with her power she kills them. (Kind of like the problem of keeping Fat Buu alive in “Dragonball Z”…)
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 40
Anna is fairly forgiving. She felt Hans’ plan to seduce her into getting the throne, murdering her sister to become king, later changing the plan to murdering her to score himself popularity points, and leaving Anna herself to freeze to death only merited a punch in the face.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 41
Does the Duke really deserve that kind of punishment? Let’s be honest, if Elsa hadn’t conveniently gained control over her power, the only way to end this movie would have been to kill her. Even if it was self-interested and the guy was a creep, still…
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 42
Kristov is right to be skeptical. When the queen is an ice god, this becomes pretty much a figurehead position. Even Happy Hogan saw more work as a chauffer for Tony Stark.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 43
(During End Credits)
Claiming this movie was inspired by Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Snow Queen” when the only thing it has in common is a “snow queen”? That’s a sinning.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 44
FINAL TALLY: 44
SENTENCE: SOLITARY CONFINEMENT HOUSE ARREST FOR 13 YEARS (Conceal, don’t feel)