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(Update 4/12/2016: Well, the actual Screen Junkies/Honest Trailers finally got around to doing this one. In all fairness, I did this over two years ago.)

From Walt Disney Studios, the company that never keeps all of its old animated films on the market at the same time but instead periodically makes them available for limited times as new “Diamond” editions they can charge more money for, comes an old animated film made available for a limited time as a new “Diamond” edition they can charge more money for…

Relive the movie that was the actual Walt Disney’s final gift to the world…

…Not the movie itself, I’m talking about the concept of “Disneyfication”.

THE JUNGLE BOOK

Relive the movie that completely ruined the public concept of what Rudyard Kipling’s “The Jungle Book” was all about as thousands of children accepted the movie as canon without ever cracking open the front cover of the actual story…and who to this day don’t realize Rudyard Kipling put out a second “Jungle Book” after the first one.

Enjoy the Disney version of Mowgli, a boy raised by wolves in the jungle whose life was so sheltered and protected by his pack that he developed…

NO physical strength.

NO survival instincts.

NO cunning necessary to survive in an environment filled with natural predators.

NO sense of danger.

And was NEVER warned by his parents that pythons are deadly, elephants can trample you, monkeys are stronger than they look, and a tiger could easily kill you even as an adult, let alone a stringy child.

Sit back as Mowgli stubbornly refuses to leave the jungle for the man-village for 60 minutes, insisting that he can live independently in spite of the fact that he wanders into life-threatneing danger continuously and would literally have died within the first 12 minutes of the film if he hadn’t been saved by Bagheera.

…He’s kind of like the kid from Jurassic Park, only more whiny and beligerant.

Watch as he’s led to the man-village over the course of two days by Bagheera, who has more or less been degenerated into Ed O’Neil’s charcter in “Dutch”, and is forced to escort an impudent brat as he thanklessly continously snatches him from mortal peril.

Along the way, theyll be hounded by the powerful and nefarious Shere Khan…a villain so one-dimensional they mostly just alude to the threat he poses rather than try to demonstrate it on camera, and who we’re supposed to dislike because we nearly see him seize a bit of prey when the fact of the matter is Bagheera likely does the same thing all the time.

They’ll meet Baloo…who Disney thought should be deprived of all intelligence and turned into a loveable oaf who not only is useless at teaching survival skills but nearly kills his student several times in an attempt to do so, and who is literally so dim-witted he goes into a state of trance-like euphoria every time he does things such as listening to catchy songs and…scratching himself…?

…Dude, that’s just wrong.

They’ll also run into the sly and devious Kaa, a character who 95% of Americans don’t realize was actually supposed to be Mowgli’s smartest and strongest teacher, but was degraded into a bumbling, gluttonous villain because Disney wanted to reinforce the prejudicial stereotype in the public mind that “all snakes are evil”.

Relive the magic of an ungrateful idiot constantly saying how much he hates and loathes the individuals who genuinely love him and care about his welfare…while eagerly embracing villanous individuals who want to exploit him so long as they tell him what he wants to hear…even if the individuals literally tried to devour him less than 48 hours ago. (Sheesh, this movie is an argument against having kids…)

Enjoy the excitement as Mowgli constantly wanders into deadly situations and never dies thanks to plot armor in the form of numerous characters willing to intercede for him at critical moments, including…

Bagheera…

Baloo…

Bagheera and Baloo…

His adoptive family…

Shere Khan…? (Seriously, he would have been eaten by Kaa if he hadn’t dropped in.)

And…God? (Yeah, lightning just happened to strike the one dry bush in the middle of that wasteland and instantly started a fire, and it didn’t start raining until Shere Khan had run off…)

And ultimately, Mowgli will learn the true law of the jungle at the end of his journey:

Men will do absolutely anything, including abandoning their best friends, for a piece of a**.

STARRING…

Timmy from “Lassie”

Feline Buttons from “Animaniacs”

Character model for “Little John” in Disney’s “Robin Hood”

Sterling “Every-Tenth-Disney-Character-in-Existence” Halloway

Scar Predecessor

Discount Beatles

Stock image of character being affectionately kissed by canines in Disney films

Bachelorhood Killer

AND NOT STARRING…

Kotick

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi

Toomai

Or any other character from any of the non-Mowgli stories in the actual “The Jungle Book”.

DISNEY’S THE JUNGLE BOOK: DIAMOND EDITION – Get it now or it will be your last chance to ever own it EVER before it goes into the Disney Vault FOREVER…at least until the Lapis Lazuli Edition comes out in four years.

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