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(Yes, I know Cinema Sins finally did this one as well, but…as snobbish as this sounds, for once I think I looked for more genuine sins and did them one better.)

Once again, this is a shameless knockoff of “Cinema Sins” and you should check out their vast collection on Youtube.

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“Alien”

In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.

SPOILERS!

(duh)

Audience looks stupidly at title sequence for the first 50 seconds, then realizes what’s going on and impatiently waits for it to end for the next 40 seconds.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 1

1979…is it too early to rip off of “Star Wars”‘s trademark “panning over giant ships” shots? Nah.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 2

This ship is crewed by seven people. Seriously? Let’s think about it. Essentially, this giant ship is nothing more than a big “space semi”, although it is quite gigantic. Could a crew of seven really service it? Especially since it only has two engineers? Well, this is the future, so perhaps they have more efficient ways of doing things. Perhaps the bulk of it is just the cargo. But if that’s the case, why not just have two or three crew members who act as “drivers”? And none of that stuff about “loneliness” and “isolation” either. They spend most of their time frozen. Is seven the “magic number” for a ship this size?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 3

Weyland-Yutani Equal Opportunity Policy means males and females must share the same hypersleep chamber and be fully visible to each other nude.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 4

Look carefully in the galley and you’ll find the crew even has beer that is Weyland-Yutani made as well as the clothing. So…is Weyland-Yutani pretty much the same as “Buy ‘N Large” was in “WALL-E”? Or do they just specialize in hats, beer, and commercial freighters?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 5

Parker and Brett may have a point. This job hasn’t required a whole lot of effort from the members of the crew getting full shares. Get in a ship, freeze yourself, go out to a mine on some distant world, thaw, collect mineral ore, freeze yourself, return to Earth, thaw, and then collect a share of money. Basically the only time work needs to be done is if something goes wrong…at which point Parker and Brett have to fix it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 6

Ash shows his utility to being on the crew by recalling contract clauses, because a science officer aboard a commercial freighter probably normally sees as much work as a mechanical engineer would in an ER.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 7

Apparently the Nostromo’s break off portion was rated to land on any terrain provided it was perfectly flat. I guess the crew just hoped they’d land on a perfectly flat area by chance.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 8

Did Ripley head down to where Parker and Brett were working pretty much because she just felt like being teased by them? She pretty much comes there, banters a bit, and then leaves. She doesn’t even tell them: “Work faster”.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 9

For the part with Dallas, Lambert, and Kane entering the alien (Engineer) ship, Ridley Scott told his crew to imagine intercourse from the perspective of the sperm.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 10

Ripley is talented enough to actually translate alien jargon into decipherable human language, yet she’s only third in command out of seven on a “space semi”. Someone got into the wrong career field when they left college.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 11

So…Dallas, Lambert, and/or Kane just hauled that entire sophisticated winch assembly with them this long?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 12

If you land in a chamber full of alien eggs and you don’t immediately turn around and leave, you’re too brave for my tastes. If you approach one and see something moving inside and don’t turn around and leave, you’re pretty dumb. If you see one open and you don’t haul ass out of there, you’re too stupid to live. If you actually put your face over the open egg, then forget “freezing” you…you’re going straight into the airlock once we’re back in space so you can, in the words of Gandalf the Grey, rid us of your stupidity.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 13

Movie slips a moral that Ripley is the only one who does everything “by the book” like a proper girl scout and, if everyone had done as she said, everyone would have lived.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 14

Kane’s head covering that he had on inside the helmet has magically disappeared when his helmet is removed, as has anything he was wearing around his neck that would have been pinned by the face-hugger’s tail.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 15

Dallas is captain and Ash is science officer. Apparently, neither of them could decide who’s going to be the ship’s doctor and they had to go in together.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 16

Where exactly did Ash cut the face hugger? That acid seemed to come out nowhere near the end of that little glowstick cutter thing he’s using.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 17

Dallas is a d**k to other people’s pens.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 18

Why exactly couldn’t Ash say: “The face hugger came off of Kane and now I can’t find it.” over the radio?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 19

Cheap scare in tray dropping.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 20

DALLAS: “Oh, that’s a bunch of bullsh’t. We can take off without that…”

After all, it’s not like we’re going to find ourselves in a situation where we’ll have a man-sized alien running around the ship and having cameras to look around for it would be useful.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 21

Again, Ash feels that the entire crew has to come to sickbay rather than simply saying: “Kane woke up.”

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 22

During the chest-bursting scene, about the point where blood appears on Kane’s shirt is where I’d say he’s a “lost cause”…but I guess Dallas and Parker don’t want him knocking any more things over so they keep trying to keep him down.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 23

Let’s just jettison Kane’s body into space. I mean, I’m sure the loss of his tiny mass compared to the cargo will speed up the ship, and it’s not like his next of kin will want to, you know, hold a funeral or bury him or anything.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 24

One might say Ripley and Parker are fine with making Brett go off by himself on the grounds that the xenomorph is still tiny at this point, but considering the fact that, even tiny, it burst through an adult male’s ribcage, and maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 25

Brett obviously makes the connection that the xenomorph molted, meaning it got bigger. Yet he continues on by himself. Apparently just because this horror film is set in space with “space truckers”, it doesn’t mean that the crew can’t have the brains of the typical slasher victim.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 26

Absolutely no one sees any problem with a plan that boils down to send one person alone into a set of dark, narrow air shafts that you can barely navigate in yet we know the alien is moving through very easily with an incinerator that has never been tested and, even if it had been, we have no basis other than a theory to assume the alien is afraid of fire to try and drive it toward an airlock. The real reason Mother says “available data insufficient” is because the AI can’t process the idea of a person so stupid to actually try this.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 27

Man, it’s a pity Dallas has to go in there. If only we had a device that allowed us to get even a general idea of where the alien is within the ductwork and then we had the capability to close all hatches in that area except ones leading to the airlock and we could gradually “herd” it that way, sealing hatches behind it, until it had no choice but to go into the airlock area without needing to send any poor bastard into the ducts with an incinerator. Oh wait…we can do all that? Then we’re just morons.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 28

Did Parker really like Dallas or something? We got the impression he was buddies with Brett, but he just looked shook up over him disappearing. He actually gets pissed when Dallas disappears.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 29

RIPLEY: “Lambert…the shuttle won’t take four.”

First of all, Lambert probably already knew that, but if Ripley didn’t remind her the audience would be left wondering why they aren’t doing Lambert’s idea.

Second, if I was one of the remaining crew members, my response to that would be to immediately wish the rest of the crew luck in killing in the alien before taking the shuttle myself.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 30

Why doesn’t the shuttle take four? For that matter, why doesn’t it take seven? Does the company assume the crew will only ever need to abandon ship once something kills five of them? Apparently the future learned nothing from the H.M.S. Titanic.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 31

Hmm…only four of us left and so far the alien has been killing everyone by themselves. Yeah…let’s all split up.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 32

So…did Ash decide he needed to kill Ripley and the crew now that he was found out, or did he just malfunction? Either way makes sense, but trying to hit wind chimes with Ripley and then stuff a rolled up magazine into her mouth doesn’t seem the most efficient way to kill her.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 33

Ridley Scott had gone almost 25 minutes now without anything that looked remotely like a sexual organ, so he had to throw these porno images up in this nook where Ripley gets thrown.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 34

PARKER: “It’s a robot! Ash is a g–damn robot!”

Thanks for clearing that up with that late-edit bit of dialogue, Parker, because otherwise the audience would be very confused by now.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 35

RIPLEY: “My guess is they want it for the bio-weapons division…”

Weyland-Yutani: Specializing in hats, beer, commercial freighters, and bio-weapons for over 80 years.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 36

ASH: “You still don’t understand what you’re dealing with, do you? The perfect organism.”

…Who is being pitted against a very low-intelligence crew, so that might be more of the deciding factor in why you can’t kill it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 37

I have a slightly better modification to Ripley’s plan…just take off in the shuttle. No need to actually set the Nostromo to blow up and create a ten minute window to get away from it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 38

RIPLEY: “You two…get all the coolant you can carry…I’ll prep the shuttle…”

Uh, no. At this point I would practically be wringing Ripley’s neck saying we’re all going everywhere together. About the only time the alien hasn’t done anything so far this movie is when people have been together in groups.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 39

Ripley goes looking for Jones knowing full well that’s the exact same way Brett met his end.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 40

I can understand Lambert going a bit “deer in the headlights”, but considering the fact she doesn’t get out of the way to let Parker use the incinerator, forcing him to try and tackle the alien hand-to-hand, just stands there as the alien very slowly takes its time killing him without trying to attack it from the other side, and then patiently lets the alien kill her afterward…and now I consider this more of a case of “natural selection” as opposed to a “monster movie death”.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 41

Even if you take the deleted “cocoon sequence” scene into account, abruptly the alien decides to shift from capturing humans to just killing them.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 42

Ripley pretty much turned the last corner as Lambert’s last scream died out, yet the alien didn’t spring out when she got to the room and kill her. Instead, it went all the way to the area just before where the shuttle was, waited for Ripley to come there, and once she got close it immediately went inside the shuttle, perhaps because it found that little “nook” above the console to be cozy, and then just crashed there.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 43

Why exactly does a commercial freighter need a self-destruct?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 44

If a commercial freighter did have a self-destruct and it could only be turned on manually, wouldn’t it make more sense to have it right next to the shuttle rather than making it almost two minutes and thirty seconds at a running gait from the console where you set it to the shuttle, so that if you suddenly find you wanted to abort it, say if you found the shuttle couldn’t take off, you’d be out of luck since you couldn’t turn it off in time?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 45

Well, Ripley seemed to think Ash was full of crud earlier with all of his suggestions, but that isn’t stopping her from using an incinerator now.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 46

Root-for-the-hero-because-they-save-the-pet cliche.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 47

If this is basically the explosion of a “space semi”, I’d hate to see what kind of explosions occur in future warfare. Or maybe all of those millions of tons of ore were full of enriched uranium.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 48

So, are we to assume the women of the future eventually got fed up with their underwear covering too much of their butts and demanded all briefs naturally allow for a “plumber’s crack”?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 49

Alien waits until Ripley is as undressed as she’s going to be before just popping out its hand to startle her. Even after “seeing” her, the alien just continues to chill in its little crawl space. This alien is a pervert.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 50

Ok, Ripley. You put on the space suit, strapped yourself in, and used the shuttle’s built-in “smoke jet thingees” to force the alien out of the crawl space. Would you like to blow the airlock now and jettison it into space? No? You’re rather wait until it’s just about to kill you? Well, alright.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 51

No sin here. The movie wisely waited until the last two minutes to put up the crappiest-looking effect with an alien that’s obviously a guy in a suit.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 51

FINAL SIN COUNT: 51

SENTENCE: JUST SHORT OF ZETA II RETICULI (Not even near the Outer Rim)

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