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(UPDATE 12/18/2014: Sigh…Cinema Sins had rendered another one of these obsolete. Anyway, go watch them.)

I still remember prior to and after “Frozen” came out, it immediately drew comparisons with Disney’s previous foray into the world of Disney Princesses, “Tangled”. Fairly apropos, considering the art style was identical and Anna and Rapunzel are more similar than not. Some argued, and probably still do, that “Tangled” was the superior film, for reasons of plot holes in “Frozen”. Well…I’m about to set the record straight that for all of the patches that should have been made in “Frozen”, “Tangled” had more than their share.

Again, this is a shameless knock-off of Cinema Sins. Check them out on Youtube. They’re great if you don’t mind the nitpicking. 😀

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“Tangled”

In the time it takes you to read this or less.

SPOILERS!

(duh)

Movie trying to take itself fairly seriously opens with narration by Eugene, knocking off of “The Emperor’s New Groove” which was pure comedy.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 1

Movie ruins all suspense at the end of the film considering the fact that the guy who looks like he died is narrating the story. And forget that “this is the story of how I died” crap, because “Sunset Boulevard” this movie ain’t.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 2

Movie goes from Disney’s previous extreme of mentioning the name of characters in every scene they’re in to opposite extreme of “Cough while narrator says ‘Mother Gothel’ and you’ll assume the antagonist has no name for the rest of the film”.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 3

Movie goes out of its way to get the audience thinking that Gothel is selfish and mean for hoarding the Sun Flower all to herself…right before going into a scene where the king not only uses his guards but impresses everyone in the kingdom into searching for the flower and, after the guards go to the painstaking effort to remove the flower intact, roots and all, promptly has it killed and given solely to his wife. Screw you, needy peasants. Only attractive royalty deserve miracles.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 4

Ok, the king should have fired every guard in the castle after Rapunzel was kidnapped, because Gothel, who was an old lady at the time, only had the point of entry of climbing up the balcony, had to escape the city carrying a crying baby, and the only way in and out of the city was a single bridge so there was an easy choke point.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 5

How exactly did Rapunzel get Pascal? It’s clear Gothel not only doesn’t know of his existence but it appears would be mad if she found out Rapunzel had a pet, but he’s also clearly a chameleon, which is not from this climate. He had to be imported, but Rapunzel would only get imported goods from what Gothel brings to her aside from whatever blows in the window. Did Pascal somehow “drift” into her room? Did he hitch a ride on a coconut being carried in by an African Swallow?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 6

So Gothel is so uncaring, domineering, and selfish that she…taught Rapunzel how to read and play guitar…?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 7

Hollywood Two-Characters-About-To-Meet-As-Destiny-Say-Exact-Same-Thing-In-Separate-Scenes Cliche.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 8

Eugene is a d**k and would be regarded as such in any other movie in this situation. In “The Inside Job”, did the audience start rooting for Edward Norton’s character when he backstabbed his partners and ran off with the loot?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 9

As anyone who has ever tried flicking long, untied, unbraided hair around would know…Rapunzel’s technique of using her hair as a whip would never work.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 10

Rapunzel is bipolar.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 11

Rapunzel is just fine walking everywhere, including a forest, without shoes…especially after never having walked on a rough surface her entire life.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 12

Rapunzel’s magic hair never gets so much of a speck of the crud, tangles, knots, mud, or anything else that would have rendered her hair riddled with lice, fleas, and disease 15 minutes after leaving the tower.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 13

Gothel waits a whole three seconds after calling for Rapunzel only once to “let down her hair” before uncovering the tower entrance she concealed years ago. Earlier she waited nearly 30 seconds for Rapunzel to answer the window. True, she has a bit more reason to fear something is up, but if she’s wrong about this she basically will show Rapunzel an alternate way out of the tower.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 14

Wait…did night fall and it get light again when Gothel went back to the tower and back again? Presumably everything that happens before and after the scene with Gothel running into Maximus is the same day with Eugene and Rapunzel, but when she heads back to the tower it looks like evening.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 15

“Your dream stinks. I was talking to her.”

Yeah, who in human history has ever dreamed of moving to a tropical paradise and being rich? You need a more magical and earth-shattering dream like seeing paper lanterns.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 16

Are the guards really taking orders from a horse? Is the king’s name Caligula?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 17

“Maximus” the horse suddenly has a gladius sword. All he needs to do now is scream: “Are you not entertained?”

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 18

Guards who have clear length advantage with their swords all move in close to Eugene so he can use his short-range blunt weapon to smack them all.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 19

It’s not unbelievable that Rapunzel and Eugene survive a flood by going into a convenient short mine shaft. It’s unbelievable that all of these other bastards survive without having a mine shaft to duck into.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 20

Girl who had no real world experience until less than 12 hours ago has saved supposedly shrewd, clever, and talented thief 3 times in past 10 minutes.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 21

Rapunzel’s hair does not have a speck of river silt on it in the post-cave-escape scene.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 22

EUGENE: “I used to read it to the younger kids.”

Movie adds line about Eugene reading books to fellow orphans when he was younger to show he’s not really a self-absorbed d**k.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 23

RAPUNZEL: “Oh, he’s such a good boy! Yes you are!”

Rapunzel turns into Fluttershy.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 24

Girl who had no real world experience until less than 24 hours ago is more savvy, better at negotiating with strangers, diffusing hostile situations, and competent in the face of danger than supposedly shrewd, clever, and talented thief.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 25

Apparently, the “dream” of these four girls is that one day the woman with the world’s longest hair would come by and let them braid her hair.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 26

Also, bullsh’t braid job that turns 100+ feet of hair into a five foot braid is bullsh’t.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 27

Rapunzel is an idiot. Missing princess baby with blond hair and green eyes who looks exactly like her and has the same birthday as her doesn’t spark any connections. And none of that “no one would recognize themselves as a baby” crap either, because… (A) this is a Disney animated world, not the real one; and (B) that’s exactly how her parents recognize her at the end.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 28

Every citizen loves getting their complimentary “piece of purple cloth with a Sun Flower on it” souveniers during this mandatory holiday.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 29

Honey, do you think this is the year we should work on a new child to replace the one who was kidnapped 18 years ago and is likely lost to us forever? No, we should keep mourning our first and only? Alright.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 30

Did the king and queen seriously think this “lantern festival” would one day bring back their daughter to them? At some point did they explain to their less-than-one-year-old daughter that if she ever got kidnapped they’d light lanterns every year on her birthday and she should follow them home?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 31

Lopezs need to give back at least some of their Oscar because “For the First Time in Forever” starts off exactly the same as romantic lake song.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 32

Hollywood Male-Love-Interest-Goes-And-Does-Something-That-Ends-Up-Looking-Highly-Questionable-When-Taking-Two-Sentences-To-Explain-Situation-To-Female-Love-Interest-Beforehand-Would-Have-Cleared-Everything-Up Cliche.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 33

So, Rapunzel knows about the other entrance to the tower? She has to, really. Even if Gothel didn’t wait until they were inside to unbraid her hair, there was no way for Rapunzel to get back up and lower her hair as a rope for Gothel. I suppose it makes sense but…in that case…why make the alternate way into the tower a secret entrance from the upper floor? Was Gothel expecting people to come in the same way Eugene did and somehow get trapped when they couldn’t find a way back down?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 34

(Scene where Rapunzel gets memories she had as a less-than-one-year-old infant from realizing she’s been subconsciously painting Sun Flowers for years.)

Bullsh’t.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 35

You know what I would do if I proverbally “found my face on a milk carton” while at home with who I thought was my parent? Not be scared at all about the fact that she was a kidnapper and immediately angrily confront her with the fact I know the truth as opposed to, you know, waiting until she was asleep, pretending I know nothing, and then sneaking off.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 36

You know what seeing Eugene suddenly spring up in a display of speed and dexterity to disable the two guards holding him and then having enough strength to seize one of the Stabbington Brothers and yank their faces up to the bars makes me think of? How useful all of that would have been in disabling and/or escaping them last night…or at least staying free long enough to yell: “Run, Rapunzel!”

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 37

“It wasn’t us! It was the old lady!”

Whereas Rapunzel’s powers of deduction are abyssmal, Eugene’s apparently rival Sherlock Holmes. Just from hearing this phrase, he not only realizes “the old lady” is referring to Gothel, a character he has never seen and only heard alluded to by Rapunzel a few times and had little reason to believe until now that was evil, but that the Stabbington Brothers were actually working with her as opposed to having just been ambushed by her from this statement, which is what anyone’s mother might do to thugs attempting to kidnap their child and not just fake mothers wanting to use Rapunzel’s hair for their own benefit. Also, once he realizes this, he speaks in vague terms to the guards about “she’s in danger” rather than saying anything that would allow them to come to Rapunzel’s aid.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 38

Also, the Stabbington Brothers are the most non-evil and sympathetic evil guys I’ve ever seen. The poster at the beginning says they’re only wanted for being thieves, and Eugene is one himself and we’re supposed to be cool with that. They ended up getting backstabbed not only by Eugene but by Gothel. They can’t really be faulted for escaping custody, because Eugene sure would have done that too in a similar situation. And because Disney is sanitized, even in a PG cartoon, to ensure that there isn’t even the slightest hint of potential rape, they planned to sell Rapunzel rather than keep her for themselves to boot. Granted, human trafficking is pretty heavy stuff, but considering the fact most of those “friendly ruffians” they met at that wretched-hive-of-scum-and-villainy earlier freely admitted to having killed people before and were keeping some poor bastard chained up to provide entertainment and the audience is supposed to be fine with that, perhaps they should get a pass. Is their only real “crime” looking more dangerous and being voiced by Ron Perlman?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 39

This palace has the worst security ever. In a few minutes, we see hundreds of guards coming after Eugene during the prison escape, yet not one of them saw any of the ruffians going right into the high-security areas of the castle to set themselves up for the jailbreak.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 40

Exactly why is Maximus helping Eugene? They seemed to still hate each other during the city scenes. He’s probably intelligent enough to figure someone was duping Rapunzel and he seems to have some love for Rapunzel now. Heck, he might have very well been the one who called the guards who ended up arresting the Stabbington Brothers after Gothel knocked them out. But why help Eugene? Since the horse can obviously relay complex instructions to humans, why didn’t he just have the thugs help him go after Rapunzel instead of rescue Eugene? Furthermore, the thugs didn’t seem that happy with Eugene either. Did the horse somehow realize Rapunzel would be happy with Eugene and he wanted her to be happy, somehow explained the same to the thugs, and now they’re rescuing him to “not stop true love”?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 41

Should we guards try to arrest any of the people who helped Eugene escape? Nah…let’s just go after Eugene.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 42

In all previous scenes in which Rapunzel used her hair for a rope, she had to hang it around a nail to ensure no one would simply rip her scalp off. But now that she’s chained up and gagged, apparently that’s no longer an issue.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 43

Gothel stabs Eugene from behind yet in all future scenes everyone’s grabbing for his front. I suppose it could have gone all the way through to the other side…it’s long enough…but…

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 44

If that’s the case, Gothel’s dagger still doesn’t have a drop of blood on it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 45

Any reason in particular Eugene didn’t wait until after Rapunzel healed him to cut her hair off?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 46

So…cutting off Rapunzel’s hair seemed to immediately nullify any effect the flower ever had, past or present. In that case, Eugene’s hand should split back open…and Rapunzel’s mother should fall down dead…and debatably so should Rapunzel.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 47

Let’s see…a death row inmate who escaped prison only a short while ago brings a girl who has brown hair completely different from our daughter’s blond hair and claims it’s their child because “she remembers Sun Flowers from when she was a baby”. Perfectly logical story.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 48

We’ll even give the death row inmate a free pardon on the house for it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 49

Girl who two days ago had been so sheltered and isolated her entire life that she was literally jumping at bunnies immediately embraces and lovingly accepts her birth parents in spite of literally not knowing anything about them and essentially meeting them for the first time.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 50

(Scene with Maximus calling the shots with the guards, now wielding frying pans.)

This scene.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 51

Clearly the guards will be more effective and fearsome with this new weapon than ever…until the country gets invaded by anyone with a bow and arrow.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 52

So all of the ruffians and thugs, some of which are murderers, got free pardons for storming the castle…except the Stabbington Brothers because the ultimate unforgiveable sin is being voiced by Ron Perlman.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 53

Yes, Rapunzel one day became a wise and just ruler by drawing on her life experiences of being stuck in a tower and emotionally and mentally abused by a manipulative woman. I can see her making speeches insulting the peasants and following up every line with a laugh and “I’m just kidding” and telling them how naive and helpless they are.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 54

How exactly did Eugene know the whole story of this movie to narrate it? We can assume Rapunzel filled him in on some of the parts, but how the (Bleep) did he know about Gothel’s backstory with the Sun Flower? Pretty sure Gothel never told her that part. Did he do a Holmes-type investigation after this was done? “Based on the fact that the guards who recovered the flower found a set of ivy woven into a basket when they recovered the flower, one can reason that someone wished to hide the flower for themselves. Furthermore, the bassenet where Rapunzel was abducted as a baby contained a lock of brown hair. This was not the culprit’s but rather Rapunzel’s, indicating that Gothel attempted to get ‘just the hair’ before abducting Rapunzel. Since her hair glows when she sang to it, obviously she made the connection prior to the abduction that the hair contained the same power as the flower in its innate form. Hence, she must have been using the flower itself to keep herself young prior to abducting Rapunzel, as evidenced by the basket. Considering the fact that after her death she turned to dust, she must have been keeping herself young for generations. Hence, this is how the back story must have gone. Elementary, dear Watson.”

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 55

FINAL COUNT: 55

SENTENCE: GROUNDED FOR LIFE (You are not leaving this tower! EVER!)

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