(NOTE: The following is obviously a parody of both “Kingdom Hearts” and the new live-action “Maleficent” movie and contains spoilers for both.)
Hollow Bastion…the Lair of Maleficent in the game “Kingdom Hearts”…just as Sora, Donald, and Goofy are arriving to save the Princesses of Heart…
(Doors to the innermost sanctum of Hollow Bastion open, causing Sora, Donald, and Goofy to run in. They soon see the glowering form of Maleficent in front of them, and they brandish their weapons in front of her and ready for battle. She smiles smugly.)
MALEFICENT: So you finally came. Did you enjoy your trip through my humble abode?
(The trio look dark a moment longer…before they look confused.)
SORA: Actually…yeah, we did. That was a very picturesque waterfall outside.
DONALD: And the flowers were quite lovely too…
SORA: In fact…uh…um…
(He looks around and sees that far from this being an inner sanctum of evil…it’s more like a set out of “Ferngully”.)
SORA: This…looks surprisingly nice too…
GOOFY: Er…weren’t ya’ supposed ta’ ruin this place when ya’ moved in?
MALEFICENT: I did. This is what it looked like before it was infected by my great evil.
(The flowers turn somewhat more bright. The trio blink.)
MALEFICENT: …What do you mean ‘yeah’? I’ve turned this floral paradise into a nightmarish horror! Gaze upon the power of my corruption! I…I… (Looks around for something) …That throne! See that throne?
DONALD: (Looks) …Yeah. You made it out of tree branches.
GOOFY: Very nature-y.
MALEFICENT: No you fools! It’s a throne of pure evil! Otherwise it would have flowers growing out of it!
(Silence from the trio.)
SORA: …Ok, whatever you say. (Raising the Keyblade) Anyway, it’s time to-
(He’s cut off by the sound of cheerful laughing.)
SORA: …Huh? Who’s that?
MALEFICENT: Oh. The Princesses of Heart I captured. (Grins wickedly) If you want them back, you’ll have to destroy me…the Mistress of All Evil!
(Laughter comes again from the next room. The trio blinks.)
GOOFY: Gosh…they sure sound kinda happy…
MALEFICENT: Well, uh…they just finished having that six-inch-high cheesecake I promised them for dessert, so…
SORA: Hold on, wait a second… You’re not imprisoning them in a dungeon or a crystal or something?
MALEFICENT: Well…I could but…don’t you think that sounds a little cruel?
DONALD: …You’re Maleficent. You’re the source of evil plaguing the universe!
MALEFICENT: Of course I am! I have all the power of Hell on my side!
GOOFY: …And you’re giving them cheesecake for dessert?
MALEFICENT: Well…um…I’m going to force them to burn it off later when I take them on a nature hike. (Makes her voice sound scary) A nature hike that…um…will definitely cause severe exertion! They’ll get sweaty and tired within the first hour! And if they get too weak to continue, I just might not put them into a peaceful enchanted sleep and gently hover them back to their rooms and into bed! I’m serious this time!
(The trio begins to lower their weapons.)
GOOFY: Ah can’t believe Pete’s actually scared of her…
SORA: You’re quite…underwhelming.
MALEFICENT: (Growing angry) Silence, you simpletons! I am Maleficent! The Great and Terrible! Scourge of Mankind! Evilist of all the-
(The door to the back suddenly opens up and a princess sticks her head out.)
AURORA: Maleficent? We’re ready to play ‘Apples to Apples’ now. Are you coming?
(The trio sweatdrop. Maleficent blushes.)
MALEFICENT: Well…I couldn’t very well let them get bored while I was holding them prisoner.
MALEFICENT: …I forbade them from playing the Wii! See? That’s evil, isn’t it?
(Dull stares. Maleficent facepalms.)
MALEFICENT: …Aurora, you really couldn’t have picked a worse time.
SORA: You know, the longer this conversation goes on, the less I want to actually hurt you…
MALEFICENT: (Igniting in green flame) Fool! I’m pure malevolence! What other sort of horrid villain would…uh…er…glower at innocent fairy creatures! Yes! My glower is so potent that…um…they…really look like they’re pitying me rather than feeling afraid of me… (Curses) But only the most diabolical of villains would continuously call a princess ‘beast’! (Turns her head to Aurora) You hear that, ‘beast’? I’m so wicked and cruel I call you ‘beast’ all the time!
AURORA: (Giggling) Oh godmother, I know that’s just your nickname for me.
DONALD: Wait, did she just call you ‘godmot’-
MALEFICENT: Aurora, get out of here before you ruin my reputation any more!
AURORA: (To the trio) Sorry, she gets like this some days. (Goes back inside)
(Maleficent is fuming at this point and ignites in fresh green flame.)
MALEFICENT: Enough of this! I will destroy you all now right this instant! (Pause…and the fire dims.) But…could we move out a few rooms? I don’t want any of the princesses getting hurt by collateral damage.
SORA: …Don’t you just want them for their hearts so you can gain the power of ‘Kingdom Hearts’?
MALEFICENT: Well, that was what I was planning on doing but…then I realized how much pain and suffering that would cause everyone…so really I’ve been trying to lure you here to pull out Kairi’s heart from inside you and put it back in her body so she’s not forced to be a lifeless doll forever.
SORA: (Blinking) And…um…you’ll kill me in the process, right?
MALEFICENT: Good heavens, no. That would be terrible.
(The trio stare blankly.)
GOOFY: …Ah may be wrong, but that sounds an awful lot like you’re ‘doing something nice’.
MALEFICENT: What the… It is not! It’s pure evil!
DONALD: No, that’s pretty much the opposite of evil. Maybe the Heartless flock to you because your heart is so big.
MALEFICENT: Silence! Face my wrath!
(She holds up her staff and aims it at the trio, making them brace for impact…but in the end only comes forward and swing the ends of the staff at Sora’s head, which he easily deflects. He blinks again.)
SORA: …Aren’t you going to, you know, hit me with a spell?
MALEFICENT: If I did that, I might seriously hurt you or even kill you.
(Sora stares dully for a moment…then makes his Keyblade vanish.)
SORA: Pretty sure we won’t need the weapons for this one, guys.
MALEFICENT: I’m evil, you fools! Pure unadulterated EVIL!
(Suddenly the three faeries fly in.)
RED FAIRY(I don’t know their names…): Sora! Oh my…you’re going up against Maleficent! She’s your most dangerous opponent by far!
SORA: Um…actually I’m starting to wonder if I can just pin her down and tie her hands behind her back…
BLUE FAIRY: You’ll need extra power to defeat her!
SORA: …No, no I’m pretty much 100% sure I don’t even need the Keyblade to-
GREEN FAIRY: Come on, girls! Give him the special clothes!
(Red fairy tries and it fails.)
BLUE FAIRY: No, you fool! It should be blue!
(Blue fairy tries and it fails.)
RED FAIRY: I know what I’m doing! Red!
BLUE FAIRY: Blue!
RED FAIRY: Red!
BLUE FAIRY: Blue!
RED FAIRY: RED!
BLUE FAIRY: BLUE!
(Maleficent groans and snaps her fingers at them, causing them all to blow away.)
MALEFICENT: Worthless peasant morons…
(She points at Sora and immediately gives him the improved clothes, causing him to get two Keyblades at once. Sora blinks.)
SORA: …Are you actually helping me defeat you?
MALEFICENT: NO! (Pause) …Just the same, you better start hitting me quick, because you can only maintain that form for so long. But I’m only going to let you give me ten good whacks! Not one blow more!
SORA: Look, everyone, just walk past her to the next room!
(The trio begin to do so.)
MALEFICENT: How dare you snub me! Take that!
(It begins to lightly rain over the heads of the trio.)
MALEFICENT: Ha-ha-ha-ha! I certainly hope you’re not wearing any clothes that might shrink in a light rain! (Pause) …Because if you are, I can make it just drizzle on you instead.
SORA: For the love of…she’s making Kronk look like Hannibal Lecter!