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Well, keeping with my theme of pointing out how hypocritical people are for tearing into the plot holes in recent Disney films (:P), enjoy as I take your precious “Beauty and the Beast”, long considered Disney’s masterpiece of animation, and show you how it is nothing more than one big, giant, time-space convoluted plot hole.

Again, this is a shameless knock-off of Cinema Sins. Check them out on Youtube. They’re great if you don’t mind the nitpicking. 😀

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“Beauty and the Beast”

In the time it takes you to read this or less.

SPOILERS!

(duh)

Stained-glass introductory montage doesn’t show the Beast although anyone who’s seen a poster or preview of this movie already knows what he looks like.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 1

So, the Enchantress cursed the prince into becoming a beast because he was selfish, shallow, and cruel…and everyone else in the castle, going so far as to tie their fate to his, although they hadn’t done anything wrong, because she was a b***h.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 2

Exactly how many years ago did this introductory sequence happen? The Beast isn’t even 21 years old until the end of this film, because they said the rose would bloom until his 21st year. Ok, if you want to get technical, maybe it only started wilting when he turned 21, but even so it would only take the rose less than a year to die. I suppose you could argue it was a “magic” rose that decayed slowly, but I doubt that because the rose visibly wilts over the course of the film. So…how old was he? 14? 16? So five to seven years is long enough for everyone to forget about the existence of the prince and his castle and everyone living in it?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 3

How does this small town not know about the Beast’s castle? They probably live close enough to be under his fiefdom.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 4

Audience sympathizes with Snow White because she’s hated and hunted by a vain woman, with Cinderella because she’s kind and virtuous but is reduced to slavery by her mocking, cruel stepmother, and with Belle because…um…she has a loving father, a decent home, gets books for free, and lives in a peaceful village free of conflict or toil…wait, what? Oh wait…people call her odd. Yeah, that’s a real problem.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 5

“Modern, thinking, self-sufficient” woman loves books about young ladies meeting and marrying handsome princes in disguise.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 6

Also, plot foreshadowing.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 7

Look at how shallow Gaston is for wanting to marry a person just because she’s beautiful! Why, that’s only what every other Disney prince has done so far!

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 8

Maurice is amazed at Lumiere and Cogsworth instead of running for his life screaming.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 9

CHIP: “His moustache tickles, mama!”

Yes, innocent children deserved to be cursed by enchantresses, possibly forever, along with the Beast.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 10

Does Belle really need “above average” intelligence to be the only person in town who sees Gaston is a jerk?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 11

BELLE: “I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell!”

…Or, at minimum, someone to marry who isn’t a jerk. I’ll settle for that.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 12

BELLE: “Phillipe? Where’s papa? Where is he, Phillipe?”

“Modern, thinking, self-sufficient” woman talks to horse as if she expects him to answer her.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 13

Wait, didn’t Phillipe buck Maurice off and run before he got to the castle? Even assuming this is one of those movie horses that is smarter than a chimpanzee, this is a bit of a stretch.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 14

Um, Beast? If you locked up Maurice simply for trespassing, what’s stopping you from locking up Belle too?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 15

Again, movie makes big deal about Beast reveal when everyone’s already seen him in the previews and promotional material.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 16

What exactly is this coach? Was the enchantress mean enough to turn the horses into things too? (Apparently, she did so to a dog, so maybe.)

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 17

Also, no one at the village would be freaked out by this spider-coach thing?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 18

Did the Beast just happen to throw Belle into a room that had clothes pre-made that were her measurements? Why would he have had those when he was the only noble living in the castle? Were they his mother’s or something? Plus, this castle is dilapidated either by the curse or just time. Why aren’t these clothes worn out? Were the servants keeping them mended on the off chance that Belle or someone like her would show up?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 19

BEAST: “You come out or I’ll…or I’ll…I’LL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!” “Fine! Then go ahead and STARVE! If she doesn’t eat with me, then she doesn’t eat at all!”

So the moral of the story is if the guy is an egotistical jerk, stay away from him, but if the guy is an abusive, violent, tempermental jerk…stay with him because you can change him?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 20

Lumiere and the feather duster are the only French people in…well…France.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 21

How do the servants in the castle get food? Is there a farm around the grounds we never see? Did the farmers get turned into farming equipment?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 22

All of Belle’s sadness at losing her father and being imprisoned with a violent creature for the rest of her life is washed away by a four minute musical number.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 23

This portrait of the prince is not torn in the same way it was at the beginning of the film.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 24

Also…why is this portrait here? How many years ago was the Beast cursed, again? Assuming it was as a teenager, did he hire someone at some point and say: “I want to commission a portrait of what I’ll look like when I’m 21”?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 25

BELLE: “I can’t stay here another minute!”

And all of Belle’s whimsical wonder and happiness at living in an enchanted castle is washed away because she got yelled at by the Beast (not for the first time but the fifth or sixth at this point) for breaking the one rule she had to follow.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 26

Should Belle really be “touched” by the Beast’s arrival? She told him that she’d agree to stay in the castle forever. She broke that promise, so in all likelihood he was coming out to drag her back kicking and screaming. Also, apparently Phillipe has to stay at the castle forever too.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 27

Finally the next day. How long did that night last? 72 hours?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 28

Apparently, at some point, the Beast decided: “Well, if I look like a beast, I better act like one too!”

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 29

Do the Beast really forget how to use a spoon in seven years or less?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 30

Is Belle really shocked by the Beast’s “gift”? Lumiere told her about this earlier. Technically she could have come in and started reading whenever she wanted. And she would have if she hadn’t been so intent on checking out the West Wing. She’s lucky this movie is “Beauty and the Beast” and not “Bluebeard”.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 31

Ok…let’s recap the timing of this movie. Day One: Maurice takes his over-elaborate wood-splitting thing to the “fair” and ends up stuck in Beast’s Castle. Day Two: Belle goes after Maurice, ends up taking his place as prisoner, goes out late at night after dinner to have the “Be Our Guest” deal, goes into the West Wing, has the Beast chase her out, runs into wolves, gets rescued by the Beast, takes the Beast back, and all of this while the spider coach takes Maurice back to the village, he tries to rally the villagers, they think he’s nuts, Gaston hatches his evil plan and Maurice heads back out. Day Three: After the fastest reconciliation ever, Belle and Beast hang out that day and end up having their romantic evening before the Beast lets Belle go back to Maurice, and the rest of the movie plays out from there. So…this whole movie takes place over three days? Some of you may argue that there was a greater passage of time between Day Two and Day Three, but if that was the case was Maurice just wandering around in the forest for a couple weeks? (It only takes a couple hours at most to get back to the castle.) Was LaFou standing outside of Belle’s house that entire time? No one in the village started wondering why they weren’t seeing Maurice and Belle around? (The opening sequence indicated that everyone in town knows who they are.) The guys that Gaston rallied to nab Maurice when he came back didn’t say: “F*** it, I’m tired of waiting around”?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 32

Also, what is with this movie’s weather? It’s sunny and autumn at the beginning of the film, raining with bare trees that night, sunny and autumn again the next day (harvest time, it looks like), bare trees again that night, later it snows, snowy the next day, clear and warm the next night as the plants are green on the veranda, rainy at the castle but snowy back in town for an hour at the most before most of it melts, and the next day is bright and sunny and green…what?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 33

We know Gaston bribed the head of the asylum to take Maurice in, but did he bribe everyone else in town too? Or are they all just jerks who go along with anything he says? If the latter, why did he have to bribe the head of the asylum?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 34

BELLE: “I know he looks vicious but he’s really kind and gentle.”

So the secret to getting a woman to like you is not being hot but by giving her a lot of stuff.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 35

How did Belle, Maurice, and Chip find their way back to the castle? Maurice couldn’t find his way to it and presumably Belle could have used the mirror to find her way back to town… Oh wait, it’s Phillipe and his GPSesque sense of direction again.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 36

Hero-spares-villain-only-to-get-backstabbed cliche.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 37

No Beast! Don’t die! You can still get off more “tragic death” cliche lines!

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 38

I guess the curse had a resurrection clause.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 39

So…is there no stuff in the castle now since all of the stuff was the servants?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 40

Maurice sure looks happy that Belle ended up with the guy that imprisoned him for wandering onto the castle grounds and then tried to keep his only daughter as a prisoner forever two days ago. Who cares? He’s attractive now!

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 41

CHIP: Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?

This line would be funnier if it wasn’t for the fact that all of Chip’s brothers and sisters were probably in the cupboard when it turned back and immediately crushed each other by expanding to full size in a confined space.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 42

So Belle finally gets her wish for “adventure in the great, wide somewhere”…by living as a rich princess with a hot guy in a castle about 20 miles from where she lived before for the rest of her life. Yeah…

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 43

SIN TALLY: 43

SENTENCE: Beast’s Dungeon (I’ll give you a place to stay!)

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