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The Reclusive Essayist here, shamelessly ripping off of “Cinema Sins” again, beating them to the punch, and exploiting current fads all in one go! If you loved the new “Godzilla”, great! If you didn’t love the new “Godzilla”, you probably already know what I’m about to go over!

Again, this is a shameless knock-off of Cinema Sins. Check them out on Youtube. They’re great if you don’t mind the nitpicking. 😀

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“Godzilla”

In the time it takes you to read this or less.

SPOILERS!

(duh)

Movie was clearly made to “make up” for the mistake that was “Godzilla”(1998), and yet uses more or less the same opening credit sequence.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 1

Movie claims the main reason for atomic testing, by both the USA and the USSR, was trying to kill Godzilla. So…did Godzilla just decide to head up into the Arctic or Kazakhstan for those?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 2

Also…did the US seriously spend the money painting an “anti-Godzilla” logo on this atomic bomb? They have to account for that sort of thing. What would that record have looked like?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 3

Ah, the infamous Phillipino “Anthill” Mining technique.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 4

“Is it him?”

Movie plays the pronoun game.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 5

Later in the movie, Dr. Serizawa mentions how much mankind already knew about these giant monsters, including the fact that they fed on radioactive material, and they have a general idea of where the hatched Muto was going. Yet no one called ahead to any Japanese nuclear reactors or told them to be advised for strange phenomena. Scientists are d**ks to civilians.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 6

Movie-broken-promise-about-being-with-family-count: 1.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 7

“It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

Cliched irony.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 8

Movie confuses biohazard suits with radiation suits.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 9

In movie physics, lethal radiation looks like smoke instead of being invisible so it can look like it’s chasing you.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 10

Tragedy-in-childhood-influences-career-choice-in-future cliche.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 11

Elle answers her cell phone right as she and her husband she hasn’t seen in months are about to have sex. I don’t know about you, but I’ve ignored my own cell phone for far less, and even if I was a parent this is a jerk move.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 12

Movie-broken-promise-about-being-with-family-count: 2.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 13

Enjoy parents picking up androgynous teenager, because this is going to have to do for comic relief for the entire movie.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 14

Did Ford really have to come all the way to Japan to bail Joe out of jail? What kind of legal system is that?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 15

What exactly is Joe trying to prove? It seems to vary from scene-to-scene. First he just wants to prove the plant destruction wasn’t an engineering failure…which…it shouldn’t have been blamed on anyway because plenty of people in that facility noted that there was some sort of geologic activity going on before the accident happened and nuclear power plants don’t just “collapse one day”. But at some point he seemed to stop trying to tie it to a seismic “act of God” and blame it on unexplained phenomenon, which he doesn’t appear to have been talking about to anyone in fifteen years besides his son despite the fact he was taking data on it prior to the event (as seen by his disks) because Dr. Serizawa and his colleagues look shocked when he starts spouting it off later. And later he seems to be trying to blame it specifically on a giant monster…which would sound insane to anyone except everyone affiliated with Dr. Serizawa, meaning perhaps they could have done some research into the evacueees of the planet back in 1999 to see if any of them took any data.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 16

In movie physics, duct-tape plus coveralls plus respirator means instant radiation suit.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 17

Funny that this radiation detector is picking up nothing when even ambient air has a radioactive particle or two in it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 18

Movie seems to think radiation is like breathing cyanide. Joe could have gotten an incredibly lethal dose of radiation the moment he took off his head covering and he’d still have at least several minutes to live. Even Spock and Kirk got that right.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 19

If the radiation levels are safe, how come all these guys are wearing protection? And none of that “it could have gotten safe just when Joe and Ford arrived”, because the scientists were clearly monitoring the radiation at all times.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 20

What kind of interrogation room is this? Did the architect get the janitor’s closet and the interrogation room plans mixed up?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 21

So they never bothered killing this cocooned Muto because they were afraid of radiation backlash? Dude…the most radiation it could have was from the plant it destroyed and started eating, and you already quarantined that area off 15 years ago. Blow the damn thing up!

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 22

“Kill it.”

Yes, although we consider all of these kaiju to be dangerous enough to eschew research and just kill, let’s only make the decision to kill this one once it’s spent fifteen years eating all the radioactive material in these reactors and getting as big as possible.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 23

This Muto flying should generate a tremendous gale as it takes off. Come on, movie people, haven’t you ever watched “Rodan” or “Mothra”?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 24

Movie kills Bryan Cranston, the only actor in this film capable of showing an emotion, 40 minutes into it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 25

Dr. Serizawa clearly says “Gojira” both now and later in the film, but everyone else keeps calling him “Godzilla”. Did he get tired of correcting them all after a few years?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 26

Godzilla-movie-Japanese-kid-with-ball-cap cliche. Heck, any genuine kaiju movie.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 27

Muto uses self-generated EMPs to knock out any type of missile, artillery, or weapon that gets anywhere near it…or, rather, it would if the military, navy, and air force didn’t have “smart” missiles, rail cannons, and other forms of artillery that could shoot it from beyond that range of influence or simply used something to trick it into using it early and then moved in during the “recovery phase”, as it’s later demonstrated in the movie that the Muto can’t use that ability at will and only in between large stretches of time. Maybe NATO is on a budget and decided to leave that extra stuff at home.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 28

Movie-broken-promise-about-being-with-family-count: 3.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 29

Rather than actually showing Godzilla and the Muto tearing up Honolulu as they fight each other, the movie thinks the audience would rather just show this boring kid and his boring mother watching a news report summing up the aftermath. Godzilla-Bait-and-Switch.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 30

Japanese kid is luckiest bastard in the entire city.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 31

Ah, more people loading things onto stuff! Because that’s what people who go to see a Godzilla movie want to see! No monsters…just humans making plans doomed to fail!

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 32

Nobody at the Yucca Mountain Facility saw or even heard the other Muto breaking out even though it brought down half of the f**king mountain.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 33

Mutos obviously eat nuclear material, yet rather than feast on an entire mountain facility loaded with the stuff, the Muto decides to go trash Las Vegas and then move on to seriously-radiation-lacking San Francisco. Maybe it’s on a diet. Maybe too much radiation consumption can cause the babies to be born with FRS.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 34

We could show the Muto destroying Vegas, but why do that when we can show more aftermath and boring army guys?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 35

Obligatory “Hiroshima” nod where a nuclear weapon is concerned.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 36

The US Army will let anyone “tag along” with them so long as you ask them enough.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 37

We could show the Muto fighting the military just over this mountain, but why do that when we can show more aftermath and boring army guys?

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 38

This a-hole on the radio has to hear the guy on the other end screaming and dying three times before he finally stops asking him to clear the tunnel.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 39

Luckily, Ford was protected by the Muto by the same passing piece of plot-armor-debris that kept the Muto from eating or even damaging-to-the-point-of-inoperative this nuclear warhead.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 40

Aaaaand…the fact that they just airlifted this warhead out of here made the military a d**k to every soldier who lost his/her life trying to move it by rail.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 41

Movie-broken-promise-about-being-with-family-count: 4…oh wait, Elle said it too so 5. Sh’t, this movie hates families.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 42

I can understand this bus driver panicking and trying to get out of there. What I can’t understand are these military guys jumping in front of the bus’ path as it speeds recklessly forward before running back.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 43

Kaiju “Lovin'”.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 44

Uh…”Plan B” might as well not exist. If this is one of our larger, thermonuclear warheads as they said it was by saying it’s in the “10s of Megatons”, you aren’t going to be able to get it far enough away in time on a boat to keep it from irradiating San Francisco…or even destroying most of it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 45

All nuclear-weapons-disposal personnel receive training in how to perform halo jumps.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 46

We could show Godzilla and the Muto fighting to the death in San Francisco, but why do that when we can show more aftermath and boring army…f**k it.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 47

Yes, carry the warhead out, because lugging a several-hundred-pound piece of machinery through a completely-wrecked city-scape, loading it on a boat, and hoping it takes you to a minimum safe distance to avoid irradiating hundreds of thousands of people will fallout will take much shorter than prying the warhead open and letting Ford diffuse it in that “sixty-second” time frame he stated earlier.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 48

Female Muto is somehow smart enough to not only realize this one tiny “bug” was the one who killed all of its babies, but keeps track of him for the rest of the movie.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 49

Also, human indirectly saves Godzilla.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 50

No disrespect to Godzilla, but if the male Muto could be killed by just getting tail swiped into a skyscraper and pierced by a few building shards, it would have died a long time ago in this movie.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 51

Godzilla fake-out death.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 52

All these army idiots stay nice and clustered together when shooting the female Muto so she can eat them all in one bite.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 53

(Godzilla pries open the female Muto’s jaws and exhales radioactive breath down her gullet until her head is melted off from the rest of her body.)

…Ok, a sin gets taken off because that was f**king awesome.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 52

Another Godzilla fake-out death.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 53

Ok, everyone in San Francisco is doomed because that bomb wasn’t even three miles away from the bay when it went off.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 54

Godzilla-movie-Godzilla-swims-off-into-sunset/sunrise cliche.

MOVIE SIN COUNT: 55

SIN TALLY: 55

SENTENCE…

INDIFFERENT LOOKS OF HORROR BONUS ROUND!

+1!

+2!

+4!

+8!

+16!

+32!

+64!

+128!

+256!

+512!

+1024!

COMBOx2!

COMBOx3!

FINAL TALLY: 12,618

SENTENCE: MUTO SLIME (After they just made babies)

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