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From creator Eiichiro Oda…

Who might as well be called the “George Lucas of Manga” in that he had a few small successes before he bet everything on creating a universe that became so massive and popular it will dominate everything he does for the rest of his natural life…

Comes the manga that “Bleach” and “Naruto” fans constantly point to whenever someone begins to complain that their respective series are far too drawn out and never-ending…

“ONE PIECE”

Enter a fantastic sea-faring world…

…that’s sort of Retroish, Steampunkish, Post-Apocalypticalish…whatever…

That is dominated by thousands upon thousands of pirates…

Who always put guns and cannons on their ships and NEVER use them or engage in ANY naval combat…instead preferring to always land on the nearest island and duke-it-out…

Meet Monkey D. Luffy…

A young man who dreams of becoming the “King of the Pirates” because…er…he wants to…even though he’s literally the…

WORST. PIRATE. IN. HISTORY.

In that he never plunders ships…never robs innocent settlements…would not be able to prepare himself for a voyage, the elements, or even properly FEED himself if it wasn’t for his smarter crew members…and is completely self-interested unless you pick on his crew…or his friends…or give him something to eat…or cry in front of him…or even smile at him… Ok, pretty much he’s as altruistic as Spider-Man…

Who thinks that smelly, ugly, destructive, cruel, demented, and vicious pirates are the best things in the world…

Because every other organization in the world is so sadistic, greedy, pompous, callous, demented, and corrupt that becoming a homicidal, vicious pirate actually makes you morally superior to everyone else.

(I mean, for crying out loud, society in this thing literally teaches you if you were born poor you deserve to be treated like a roach. Why don’t they just set this thing on a planet full of puppy-eating Nazis while they’re at it?)

And his crew…the Straw Hat Pirates…

The most miserable people in the entire world…because literally no one in this entire world can die unless it will affect one of the crew emotionally.

(…Seriously, think about it. Bellemere, Ace, Brook’s entire crew, girl-in-Zolo’s-past-who-died-but-never-got-mentioned-again… Even that poor giant bastard who just tried to help Robin escape.)

As they go on a mission to sail to the end of the Grand Line!

…Or is it to defeat the four Pirate Emperors?

Or…is it to take out the World Government?

Or…uh…find the “One Piece”?

Is it still finding the “One Piece”? I mean, that’s still the title of the series and all, right? I don’t think any of them have legitimately been interested in treasure for 30 mangas now…

Meet the rest of the crew…who pretty much only have the same role as the Z-Fighters in “Dragonball Z”: get their butts kicked until Luffy can jump in and handle the Big Bad…

Zolo… (Zoro!) Zolo… (Zoro!) Look, he’s called Zolo in the Shonen Jump English manga. Funimation did the whole “R”-“L” thing. (He’s Zoro in other countries in Europe that speak English!) Shut up!

An incredibly powerful swordsman…who nevertheless only really seems to be great at getting his body impossibly sliced up as he constantly bites off more than he can chew…and whose only character trait is “being irritated with everything and everyone”…yet nevertheless is incredibly popular because the girls think he’s hot and the guys say: “Dude, he uses three swords in a fight!”

Sanji…

The most illogical world-class chef in the world considering the fact his chain smoking not only means he probably gets ashes in everything he cooks but his sense of smell and taste have to have been permanently dulled by it…and who is both an incredible idiot as well as, realistically, a sexist pig because he refuses to fight girls…meaning any woman could pretty much just choke him to death if they wanted…oh, and he’s essentially a juvenile Muten Roshi considering how many nosebleeds he gets.

Nami…

Who periodically has to shed tears over mistreatment of innocents so that the audience can realize she’s not a shameless Bulma clone although she’s a miserable greedy thief in all other respects…and constantly upgrades her climate batons to avoid the status of “completely useless against any opponent” and maintain her status of “completely useless against anyone but the weakest opponents”.

Usopp…

Who, along with Chopper, essentially is the anime version of Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, uses slingshots that screw physics even by manga standards, and…is honestly the creepiest character on the crew because they’ve proved he’s insane and suffers from multiple personality disorder.

Chopper…

A Rankin-Bass turd reject who, in spite of the fact he can turn into a “Reindeer Hulk” (or the BFR, as I like to call him), is ultimately nearly worthless in a battle save for being a field medic…and who constantly fails at “looking cute” because Oda’s drawing style makes everything look a bit unsettling by default.

Robin…

Who’s only real purpose with the crew is to supply more bewbs for perverted fans, now from someone who is safely not underage like Nami was before the timeskip, and whose Devil Fruit power is the creepiest f***ing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Franky…

A brilliant cyborg carpenter who can build ANYTHING and power it with SODA…except a weapon that would allow the Thousand Sunny to easily take down an enemy ship with one shot…or make the Thousand Sunny fly so they could avoid all that Log Pose crap…or something that can nullify the power of Devil Fruit users… Ok, so he’s basically Gilligan’s Professor.

And Brook…

Who arrived so late in the series that most of Oda’s better ideas were used up by then and all he could come up with was a “perverted nine-foot skeleton” (Yes, he’s 9’1″; check the notes in the manga) and forgot to give him any ability that made him especially useful to the crew, instead simply making him a somewhat-above-average fencer.

As they sail around the world on the Grand Line…which is governed by the most confusing, convoluted, and ever-changing set of plot-device rules that are ultimately all BS because it seems they’re the only people in the world who can’t sail around the islands on the Grand Line at will…

I mean, come on…how else does everyone else keep getting ahead of them and around and behind them if they have to “wait for the Log Pose to reset” like the Straw Hats do?

And is dominated by people who make use of the mysterious Devil Fruit powers!

…At least, it was during “East Blue”. By the time “Baroque Works” was done everyone and their grandmother used a Devil Fruit and it was the Logia types that dominated everything…

…Until Oda suddenly introduced psychic powers…seriously, I’m not making that up…out of nowhere so now even Logia types are starting to become comic relief…

Sheesh, what’s next? The Force?

Watch as they meet interesting characters like…

Princess Vivi…

Who stepped in to pick up the slack on the bewb shortage in the crew until Robin could join. (…Don’t give me that look; her schtick when she was working for Baroque Works was “Hypno-Titties”. That’s permission to go nuts.)

Buggy the Clown…

Or, for convenience, “The Mr. Satan of One Piece”.

Bon Clay…

A transexual who is nevertheless such an awesome charascter it will make guys want to kiss him- Oh sh’t, did I just say that out loud? I didn’t just say that! Shut up! Stop looking at me!

Bartholomew Kuma…

Who, uh…has had so little of his actual story revealed so far I can’t really say much about him other than he’s a big-haired T-800.

Trafalgar Law…

Who really isn’t that remarkable character-wise when you think about it but because he flipped an old guy off in a panel, that makes him COOL.

Jimbei…

Who you’re still pissed didn’t join the Straw Hat crew after the Fish-Man Island arc.

Hatchan…

Wait…who is he again? Oh yeah, that octopus fish-man from way back in the East Blue saga. I’d have remembered him better if Oda would speed things up…

Boa Hancock…

Shamelessly confirming the stereotypes that all men have toward “tough women”.

Red-Haired Shanks…

One of the four greatest pirates in the world…whose Kryptonite is sharks, because one bit off his arm that Luffy himself was able to kill with one punch at the start of the series.

And many more!

…Seriously, many, many, MANY more. Oda, like, creates six new ones every island they end up on.

Watch as they prove that karma doesn’t exist as they take on assemblages of villains so morally despicable even Superman would break their necks yet ALWAYS spare them!

(Nami really didn’t want to slice Arlong into chum after Luffy beat him up? Dude, he f***ing chopped off your foster-mother’s head in front of you! Franky didn’t rip Spandam into bloody pieces with raw strength? Well at least Robin snapped his spine… Oh, come on! He’s still alive?!)

Like…

Crocodile…

Whose power is he’s the Sandman from “Spider-Man”.

Eneru…

Whose power is he’s Electro from “Spider-Man”.

Rob Lucci…

Whose power is he’s Kraven from “Spider-Man”.

(Seriously, did Oda just pick up a copy of Spider-Man Annual #1 when he came up with villains? If they run into a big bad who’s a Zoan octopus type in the New World, someone needs to get sued.)

Gecko Moria…

The most ambiguously human character in the entire series.

Donquixote Dolflamingo…

Who, if you weren’t convinced already, proves the Navy employs sadistic serial killers.

Admiral Kizaru…

Who, if you weren’t convinced already, proves the Navy employs sadistic serial killers.

Admiral Akainu…

Who, if you weren’t convinced already, proves the Navy employs sadistic serial killers.

Former Admiral Aojiki…

Who, if you weren’t convinced already, proves the Navy employs sadistic serial killers who occasionally do nice things out of boredom.

Blackbeard…

The most infamous, ruthless pirate in history…degenerated into a fat, blithering idiot who is completely talentless on his own and basically steals anything of use he has from other people.

Arlong…

The fish-man pirate who wants humans to suffer for what they did to his people…

Hody Jones…

The OTHER fish-man pirate who wants humans to suffer for what they did to his people…

Warden Magellan…

The guy with the most unwanted Devil Fruit power EVER.

Foxy…

Also known as “filler until Water Seven starts”.

Lady Alvida…

Who proves manga artists are pigs because Oda couldn’t keep her obese for more than one manga and had to make her hot.

Django…

No, not THAT Django. The guy with heart-shaped eyeballs and a mushroom for a beard.

Ugh…am I almost done? What? Not even halfway?

Wapol…

Kuro…

Mihawk…

Commodore Smoker…is he even technically a bad guy? I guess…

Daz Bonez…

Caesar Clown…

Mr. 3…

Don Krieg…

Kaido…

Big Mom…

Pant…pant…am I done yet? NO?! Uh…um…I can’t remember all the names Oda has thrown at me…uh…

Guy with axe hand and metal jaw from the start of the series…

Fat floating henchman with glasses from Skypeia…

Insane noodle-sneezing guy from the train…

Odd-looking giraffe dude in CP9…

Snow-woman harpy lady from Punk Hazard…

Um…painting…girl…from Baroque Works?

Uh…secretary-turned-nudist-bather from CP9…?

Octopus-camouflage delusional guy from Fish-Man Island…?

Giant fan henchman of Dolflamingo?

Weird…gothic lolita girl from Thriller Bark?

Unnamed navy guy with rust powers who only appeared for two panels but ruined two of Zolo’s swords…?

Dude who looks like bad picture of Sanji? GAH!! ENOUGH!

Join them on their epic quest for eternal fame and glory as they inspire everyone they meet to reject unjust oppression and pursue their dreams…

…And who, as a result, immediately get stomped on by whoever is oppressing them with incredible ease. So the moral of the story is pretty much don’t ever try to overthrow your oppressors or follow your dreams unless you’re one of the greatest people in the world already first.

Embark on a thrilling, high-speed, world-class adventure! …That is running slower…and slower…

…and slower…

…and slow…er…

…and sloooooow…eeeeer…

Ugh, Crazy Horse Monument will be finished before this story is… (Damnit, don’t land on that island! There’s going to be more guys you’ll have to spend four mangas dealing with on it! You idiots, why do you always split up everywhere you go?! Has anything in this entire story gone right whenever you do that?!)

STARRING…

Dr. Frank N. Furter… (Emperor Ivankov)

Evil Buddha… (Sengoku)

Humanized Cloudsdale Residents… (Skypeians)

Pennywise… (Caesar Clown)

Fat Bastard… (Blackbeard)

Steve Urkel after using the Stephan machine… (Koby)

Don Quixote… (Sky Knight)

Jamiroquoi’s lead singer… (Trafalgar Law)

Obviously going to turn evil… (Captain Kidd)

Count Dracula… (Mihawk)

PETA’s Antichrist… (Boa Hancock)

Bill Cosby… (Kizaru)

The Artful Dodger… (Sabo)

Schala… (Vivi)

A Bobo-the-Clown Doll… (Gecko Moria)

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Voyeur Bones… (Brook)

Arnold Speedowearer… (Franky)

Feel Sorry For Me… (Robin)

Rudolph the Blue-Nosed Mascot… (Chopper)

Mr. Pink… (Sanji)

Pinocchio’s Conjoined Twin… (Usopp)

Started wearing a bikini-top full time the moment she turned 18… (Nami)

Evil Knievel’s God… (Zolo)

And Straw-Headed Dummy… (Luffy)

“ONE PIECE”!!!

…”Half-over”?! Nine years and it’s only “half-over”?! Dude, even Rumiko Takahashi is rolling her eyes at you at this point!

 

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