Captain James T. Kirk, Captain Kirk, Cinema Sins, Dr. McCoy, Enterprise, Everything Wrong With, Genesis, Khan, Khan Noonian Singh, Kirk, Klingon, Klingons, McCoy, Mr. Spock, parody, Reliant, Spock, Star Trek, Star Trek II, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Star Trek movie, Starfleet, USS Enterprise, USS Reliant
(UPDATE: 5/26/2016) Once again, Cinema Sins ended up doing this one. Oh well…at least they’ll never do the Equestria Girls movies.
(Thinks of how the MLP:FIM feature film comes out at the end of 2017…)
…At least, I’m 86% sure they won’t.
I really need to make a section devoted to these. Once again, this is a shameless knock-off of “Cinema Sins”. Recently, they did “Frozen”, which was the first one I did. …I think I found some things they didn’t. 😛
Please check out “Cinema Sins” because it’s great if you don’t mind the nitpicking. 😀 They’re on Youtube.
As for this one…”Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” was living proof that a sequel can blow away the original in every way…at least until “The Dark Knight” came out. It was so good that even some Trekkers say to just “ignore” that the first movie was ever made and proceed directly to this one. It’s still the best of the entire series…but it has plenty of sins.
“Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”
In the time it takes you to read this or less.
Starfleet enacted one heck of a change to the dress code in three years.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 1
The writers may have forgotten Saavik is a pure Vulcan and doesn’t succumb to anger and irritation, but this Trekker sure didn’t.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 2
Stock footage Klingon battle cruisers from the first movie.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 3
Also, I know this is supposed to be a “No-Win” Scenario, but here’s some things I would have at least tried if I was taking the test. These Klingons were so close that they were able to jump on the Enterprise literally 12 seconds after crossing into the Neutral Zone. Could they have perhaps been hailed while the Enterprise was still outside of the Neutral Zone? Or were they just poised to immediately warp onto the first Federation starship they saw come in? If so, why weren’t they on the Kobayashi Maru? Plus, they’re not that far from exiting the Neutral Zone. As pointed out in the original series’ “Balance of Terror” episode, literally all the Enterprise has to do is back up and if the Klingons try and follow them across they can claim the Klingons violated the treaty first, because they’re now ALSO in the Neutral Zone. Finally, do you get points taken off in this training simulation if you tell the crew of the Kobayashi Maru “tough luck”? Sure, you let them die, but they DID violate the treaty first and it’s better them than you AND them plus the risk of interstellar war.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 4
I assign a sin to the movie thinking the audience is dumb enough to believe four of the original cast members were killed in the first ten minutes of the film, including Spock and Bones.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 5
SAAVIK: Any suggestions?
KIRK: Prayer, Mr. Saavik…
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 6
KIRK: The Klingons don’t take prisoners.
That’s racist…er…speciest. Especially considering the number of times Kirk has been taken prisoner by Klingons and the fact that the sixth movie showed a whole penal colony full of prisoners.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 7
KIRK: Well, now you have something new to think about.
Not even considering J.J. Abrams’ rendition of Kirk’s own Kobayashi Maru test in “Star Trek” and simply taking into account what we find out later in the movie…Kirk is a d**k to trainees.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 8
MCCOY: I only use it for medicinal purposes.
200 years in the future and we still need to use that excuse.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 9
Isn’t McCoy giving Kirk eyeglasses for his birthday the equivalent of someone in this day and age giving a friend who’s getting hard of hearing an earhorn for their birthday? That’s kind of awkward.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 10
Are you seriously telling me the crew of the Reliant couldn’t find one totally lifeless planet to test Genesis on? Dude, there are seven in our solar system alone!
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 11
Also, these life form scanners suck. They pick up a “minor reading” when there are at least twenty people down there, not to mention the planet is still covered by Ceti Slugs (unless when Khan said: “Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V’s only remaining indigeonous life form.” he was being literal).
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 12
Space Station Regula I is the office from “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” upside down.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 13
Terrell and Chekov are only here to check out the life form and move it if possible. Is the captain and first officer required to do every mundane task themselves?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 14
How long were Chekov and Terrell walking before they found the cargo containers? It seems those transporters put them a rather long way from the life form.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 15
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 16
OFFICER: “Give them a few more minutes.”
So…this entire movie could have been avoided if the crew had been smart enough to realize Chekov and Terrell were in trouble and simply beamed them back aboard.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 17
KHAN: You are in a position to demand nothing, sir.
…Unless, of course, your crew decides to beam you out while I’m taking a very long time talking to you.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 18
KHAN: Never told you how Admiral Kirk sent 70 of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo containers to sustain us.
Khan Noonian Exposition.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 19
If you saw “Space Seed”, the episode of the original series that this movie is based off of (get ready to hear that a lot, non-nerds…), Khan was actually given a choice by Kirk to either go to prison or literally have the entire world of Ceti Alpha V (not a wasteland at that point) to himself, his people, and all of their future generations so he could finally build his “world empire”. Khan knew it would be hard and possibly a death sentence, but he actually referenced Milton’s Satan to the idea saying it would be better to be a ruler there than a prisoner on Earth. Sure, things went very, very bad…but ultimately Khan only has himself to blame for all of this.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 20
Furthermore, “Space Seed” was shot prior to Walter Koeing joining the cast. Chekov wasn’t in that episode.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 21
Also, rather than simply point out his plight and have the crew of Reliant beam him and his people on board and possibly relocate them to a better world, Khan decides to be an a-hole and capture them.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 22
Chekhov’s suit has a handle on the front of it simply so that Khan can show off his muscles.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 23
Wait…why was Khan keeping a tank with this highly-dangerous creature inside it? Is this what he and his people have to eat now? Or did he keep this tank around for over ten years hoping every day for the off chance this sort of situation would happen?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 24
KHAN: Later as they…grow…follows madness…and death.
Ok, here would be the point where I would say: “Ok Khan, you win. We were here to see if Ceti Alpha VI had any deposits of weapon-grade trilithium.” or somesuch bullsh’t or whatever story would avoid getting a slug inserted into my brain. Seriously, why do these people in these movies always try to “play the hero” instead of making up a lie that can’t possibly be confirmed or denied? Did Chekov learn nothing from all those years of Kirk bluffing?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 25
Kirk does the infamous Navy “white glove” test in an environment where dust is controlled.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 26
How exactly did Khan and his people get on board? Ok, we can assume that Chekov and Terrell were told to lie to beam them all up as refugees and then they took the ship from there, and they ARE “genetic supermen”, but even in “Space Seed” Khan had to take control of main engineering and study up on the override codes to the Enterprise before he could successfully stage a takeover. And that was when there were 70 of them. The standard crew for a Federation ship is around 200. Did no one have any phasers?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 27
The graphics for the Genesis demo are actually pretty damn impressive for a 1982 movie. Too bad the graphics for “shields” are a bunch of light bulbs around the outline of the ship.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 28
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 29
KHAN: He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him! I’ll chase him ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round perdition’s flames before I give him up!
This may be Herman Melville and Ricardo Montalban manages to make it sound pretty bad-ass…but if it was any other actor this would probably be goofy enough to merit its own sin.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 30
Also, Khan frequently quotes “Moby Dick” while on his quest for revenge. He is aware that Ahab eventually got himself and his whole crew killed except for one guy and he didn’t even manage to take Moby Dick with him, right? He has to. That was one of the only books he had for over ten years.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 31
SPOCK: Scanning… The coiling emissions are normal.
Raise the shields! …Raise the shields! …You can raise the shields any time now. Or…you know…just keep getting more and more in range of Reliant’s weapons…
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 32
KHAN: Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us that revenge is a dish that is best served cold?
Khan comes from the era prior to warp drive. There’s no way he knows what a Klingon is.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 33
The damage indicators that Spock points out don’t match where Reliant’s phasers hit a moment earlier.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 34
KHAN: I’ll agree to your terms, IF…if in addition to yourself, you hand over all data and materials regarding the project called: Genesis.
We know Khan has already been by Regula I at this point and knows all about Genesis. The only thing he didn’t do was follow the transporters to where the last survivors and Genesis itself was. So why does he care about getting that information from Kirk when he’s just going to go back and get the actual Genesis anyway? In fact, he’s already set up Chekov and Terrell to get found by Kirk at the station so that they can take him to where Genesis is and have it beamed aboard, but that assumes he doesn’t kill Kirk here. Is he counting on Kirk being able to get out of this?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 35
I’m well aware that there is a deleted scene in which this ensign who dies in sickbay is revealed to be Scotty’s nephew. But the average filmgoer doesn’t know that so I call a “huh?” on this scene being here.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 36
SPOCK: Essentially a great rock in space.
Sounds like a swell place to test Genesis. We don’t have to look for one now. Wait, we already used a cave in the center of it for the Phase II test? Oh, I guess that means we can’t use the rest of it.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 37
Again, a captain goes to the location when Kirk beams to Regula I. I guess we’re still in the era of the original series, and they might need his “mind” for this, but in that case why not send a security officer instead of Lt. Saavik for no real reason?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 38
Why are they wearing funky early-80s quasi-futuristic jackets? Did they think it would be cold on the space station or something?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 39
CHEKOV: He put…creatures…in our bodies…to control our minds…
Kirk never thinks to ask those two if they still have the creatures inside their bodies, at which point he should have them both beamed to sickbay to have them removed.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 40
Oops, we left an extra in this scene. Have David make a move so Terrell can vaporize him. That’s better.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 41
Khan earlier said that the Ceti Slugs render their victims susceptible to “suggestion”, but that’s a bit vague. Wouldn’t anyone be able to exploit that? Couldn’t Kirk and the others order Terrell and Chekov to put down their phasers and their “will” would override Khan’s?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 42
Terrell decides to use what free will he has remaining to vaporize himself rather than shoot any other innocents. As for Chekov…eh, we’ll just have his slug “come out on its own” for no reason. He wasn’t even disobeying Khan like Terrell was. ‘First interracial kiss’ nothing…”Star Trek” is racist.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 43
(Shot of Regula from orbit.)
In space, everyone can hear Kirk scream.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 44
MCCOY: How can you think of food at a time like this?
KIRK: First order of business: survival.
Ok, speaking in code was only important when Khan was listening over the communicator and Kirk needed to fool him into thinking it would take a very long time to repair the Enterprise, leading him, in turn, to take his time finishing it off. He’s free to explain his plan to the others now, but he decides to just jerk them around for ten minutes. Kirk is a d**k to his crew, former lovers, and illegitimate children.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 45
JOACHIN: The damage has been repaired.
Uh…how? For that matter, how are the twenty of you able to run Reliant? I understand these are “genetic supermen” and they’re supposed to be geniuses, but even in the original series when Khan had 70 of them to work with, he still said the ship was too complicated to be run by him and his people with their lack of manpower, outdated knowledge, or both and needed to recruit officers to his cause. And that was the old Enterprise, before the last movie with the “almost totally new Enterprise” that we can assume Reliant is part of the same line. Yet twenty of them are good to run it now?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 46
SPOCK: She can still outrun us and outgun us. But there is the Mutara Nebula…
Deus Ex Nebula.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 47
JOACHIN: They go in there, we’ll lose them.
KHAN: Explain it to them.
How exactly was firing a photon torpedo supposed to get them to not go into the nebula? What was the message? “If you don’t stay out here and let us blow you up we’ll…uh…blow you up!”?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 48
JOACHIN: Daren’t follow them into the nebula, sir. Shields would be useless.
How the hell does this guy know that? The Botany Bay was a “sleeper ship” that used suspended animation pods to move through space. There’s no way these guys knew about the nature of shields or the intricities of space nebulas before they woke up in the 23rd century and they didn’t have a chance to “study” while stuck on Ceti Alpha V. Maybe they looked it up along with what Klingons were.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 49
At this point, everyone on Khan’s bridge crew is dead except him. How does he plan to keep fighting the Enterprise? Even in the next movie, when Scotty automated the Enterprise so that “two chimpanzees and a trainee could run her”, Kirk needed a couple crewmen to allow it to fire.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 50
The Enterprise’s final attack blew up the photon torpedo bay and blew off an engine, effectively ruining the ability of the Reliant to fire back anymore. But where in all that did any shots hit the bridge to burn off half of Khan’s body?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 51
KHAN: To the last…I will grapple with thee…
Not to harp on the same sin, but Khan is aware this is the last line Ahab said before he died, not the whale?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 52
DAVID: It’s the Genesis Wave! They’re on a buildup to detonation!
So…wouldn’t it make more sense to finish Reliant off now with a few more shots and blow up Genesis before it has a chance to finish building? Or how about beaming it aboard, loading it into a torpedo tube, and then firing it away from the Enterprise? You know…how it was originally supposed to be delivered to a safe distance away from a starship?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 53
KHAN: No…no you can’t get away!
How could Khan possibly know that? Does he somehow know he damaged the Enterprise just enough to not give it warp speed?
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 54
For the record, Genesis is bullsh’t. It’s not even clear what it does, but the fact of the matter is even if you could reorganize the matter of a world into some new “Garden of Eden”, without the proper distance from a sun and the proper mass to hold onto the right atmosphere, you’re not going to be able to use it.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 55
Spock’s coffin-torpedo was fired at just the right spot and time to get the sun to give it a nice effect.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 56
Also, this torpedo came in for a nice, smooth, even landing on the Genesis planet instead of, you know, blowing up, smashing apart, leaving a huge trail of destruction and dirt behind it, etc.
MOVIE SIN COUNT: 57
TOTAL SIN COUNT: 57
SENTENCE: MAROONED FOR ALL ETERNITY INSIDE THE CENTER OF A DEAD PLANET (Buried alive…)