comedy, HISHE, How It Should Have Ended, Mamoru, parody, Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Moon, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Pluto, Sailor Saturn, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Venus, Tuxedo Mask, Usagi
NOTE: The following is a shameless ripoff of HISHE or “How It Should Have Ended”, a great series on Youtube that I suggest you check out.
(Mamoru and Usagi walk out of the wedding chapel with all of their friends in white dresses…one of whom [you know who] wondering if she should put on a tux instead…cheering them on and applauding loudly.)
MAKOTO: This is so touching! I hope my wedding is half as good!
SETSUNA: …Didn’t you pledge your virginity and servitude to Usagi for all eternity like the rest of us, so there won’t be a wedding…ever? (Pause) …What the Hell were we thinking?!
REI: No loss here.
MINAKO: And if I’m not getting married, NONE OF YOU ARE!
(Cut to her feet where Artemis sighs.)
ARTEMIS: Forever together…forever separate…
(Gets smacked by Luna.)
LUNA: …You know Diana is our child in the future, right?
ARTEMIS: (Whining) It doesn’t matter! There will be totally free love and no genders, no species, and no regard for inbreeding in the future! Why else was Chibi-Usa so hot for her own dad?!
LUNA: …I need to vomit…
(Cut back to Usagi and Mamoru, as Ami comes forward with a calculator, apparently not heeding the festivities.)
AMI: Um, you two? I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but…you can’t really get much worse than you’re destined to battle Chaos for all eternity and destroy everything after each battle, huh? I’ve run some calculations. Since we know the Silver Crystal is now the source of ultimate power, and so great that it will literally attract every single evil entity in the entire universe to us, and our own solar system faced four threats, then… (Adds a bit) 100 billion stars in our galaxy…and… (Types some more) at least 100 billion galaxies…that means that we have at least 40 sextillion more threats ahead of us.
(Usagi and Mamoru both grimace.)
USAGI: Er…is that a lot?
HOTARU: Let’s just say if you blew away three of them every second of every day continuously, I’d have to wait 4 quadrillion years before I brought my scythe down for you to get rid of them all. And I’m not waiting that long.
(Usagi nearly swoons.)
MICHIRU: Well that’s just great…what do we do about it?
AMI: I figure we’re going to have to start acting a bit more “efficiently”…and, luckily, based on past occurrences, I’ve come up with a spreadsheet that will help us make quicker work of all our enemies…
(Cut to a few days later…as an attractive, cruel-looking, scantily clad girl runs a newsstand.)
GIRL: Extra, extra! Come read the latest headlines, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood newspaper peddler, Dolomite! Extra, ex-
(Newsstand and Dolomite suddenly get blown up by a blast of light. Shot pans over, revealing Sailor Moon very calmly reverting as she tucks her latest weapon away.)
AMI (V.O.): STEP ONE: Immediately destroy any attractive girls who suddenly pop up with a new fad, no matter how mundane, and/or anyone who’s named after a mineral.
(Shot cuts to a headline reading: “Bigfoot Sighted!”…which sweeps away to reveal a darkened forest. A new “Nature Conservatory” is being built there by evil-looking individuals. Eyes gleam red in the darkness as it’s built, revealing various disposable henchmen cackling evilly…before they’re blasted by harps, arrows, swords, etc. into nothingness before having a chance to react. So is the facility. Cut to some sweating Sailor Senshi.)
AMI (V.O.): STEP TWO: Instantly investigate every single bizarre phenomenon in the tabloids and assume its an omen of doom. And if there’s a strange new facility being built there for premiere students or cutting edge research, blow it up. No infiltration…no investigation…no disguises…no separating into individuals who can easily be captured…just blow it up with extreme prejudice.
(Shot shows a villain getting the better of the Senshi, until a mysterious androgynous woman appears and launches an energy attack to destroy them. Immediately, she smiles and turns to leave…only to set off an alarm. She freezes and looks around in shock…just in time to see snares, bear traps, tranquilizer darts, and an iron cage slam down on her all at once.)
AMI (V.O.): STEP THREE: Set up plenty of traps in advance to keep the latest mysterious person from running away, and then guard them like the Crown Jewels because the villain is going to try and use them or brainwash them or something…
(Immediately, all of the Senshi step up around the mysterious woman, who looks around defiantly through the cage.)
WOMAN: Sailor Moon, I warn you not to get in my way. Don’t think that we’re-
SAILOR MOON: Uh, yeah, you’re about to say “we’re not allies” or “we’re not fighting alongside each other” and if I ask you about why you’re here you’ll say it’s something I shouldn’t know you, right?
(The woman blinks in surprise.)
AMI (V.O.): STEP FOUR: Grill the mysterious person like they’re in downtown lockup.
(Sailor Moon sighs.)
SAILOR MOON: Look…we’ve done this a couple times now. You’re some new senshi…you’re here on a mission to stop the latest evil guy from destroying the world and getting the Silver Crystal…but you think for some reason that you don’t need to tell us all that or why you’re here and so you’ll keep evading us and making us think you’re the bad guy when we’ll save a lot of trouble and heartache if you’ll just come clean right now and tell us everything, because otherwise the bad guys will have the advantage and you really won’t end up gaining anything by keeping quiet.
(All of the senshi give the woman a hard look. She looks around a bit, and swallows.)
WOMAN: Er…did I at least fool you into not guessing my real identi-
SAILOR MOON: (Cutting off) You’re the hot new pop singer who’s a transvestite who threw a concert yesterday and held my hand backstage.
(The woman looks downcast.)
(Shot cuts to the latest Supervillain Evil Bitch kissing Mamoru in Tuxedo Mask form, while a haggard-looking Sailor Moon looks on in absolute horror…before she blinks. A moment later, she begins to fish around in her skirt.)
AMI (V.O).: STEP FIVE: In times of crisis, read the card.
(Sailor Moon pulls a card out and reads it.)
CARD: “The villain is going to try and show you herself kissing Mamoru to psych you out. They’ve done that before and nothing ever came of it. Also, although you’re an annoying dumpling head and always whine about how you need everyone to protect you and can’t help anyone else, which is usually true, admittedly, we all love you and we only occasionally rue the day we gave up any lives for ourselves to be your immortal guardians. So don’t psych yourself out doing that either. Besides, you have a ‘Cosmic Reset’ wand! Even if we die you can bring us back!”
(Sailor Moon pauses a moment, then smiles.)
SAILOR MOON: Hey, that’s right!
(Immediately vaporizes the Supervillain plus Mamoru, then instantly regenerates Mamoru and, while he’s still dumbfounded, kisses him.)
(Cut to a meeting in a park, with the girls rubbing their foreheads.)
REI: Well…it’s been a lot of work…but we’ve managed to keep the need to “rebuild the Earth and resurrect its people” down to a minimum this month.
MICHIRU: By the way…do people know we do that, or are we still able to keep it all a secret? Because I figure at one point everyone needs to remember one of the times we save the world so they can crown Usagi and Mamoru: “Lords of the Earth and Moon”…or something…
HARUKA: Would they really do that if they knew we saved the world?
(Everyone looks to Setsuna, who shrugs.)
SETSUNA: Damned if I know. If I really knew all about the future, don’t you think I’d keep myself from getting blasted all the time?
MAKOTO: Wait…there’s one problem left we didn’t address.
(Everyone looks to her instead.)
MAKOTO: If we keep drawing all the bad guys to Earth…and all the other senshi come here as a result…and there’s, in theory, at least a couple planets for every star out there in the universe and thousands and thousands of planetoids…isn’t this place going to get pretty crowded?
(The group is silent for a moment, before they hear a call.)
GIRL: Excuse me!
(The senshi look, and see a group of cute senshi walking up to them…with a teaming multitude filling the country as far as they eye can see behind them.)
GIRL: I’m Sailor Sedna! This is Sailor Makemake, this is Sailor Quaoar, and this is Sailor 2007 OR10! We’re the Kuiper Belt Senshi! At least…a few of them! Got any place we and the 500,000,000 Oort Cloud Senshi can stay overnight?
(The senshi grimace in response…before Sedna frowns as she looks at Setsuna. She, in turn, blinks and begins to shrink away.)
SAILOR SEDNA: Come on, Pluto. You’re with us now.