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You’ve seen Rapunzel be ingenious and sacrificial in “Tangled”…

You’ve seen Merida grow in maturity and responsibility in “Brave”…

You’ve seen the love between two sisters be the purest kind in “Frozen”…

Now…go back to a time where princesses needed animal friends to think up plans for them, could be selfish and reckless without consequence, and throw aside the love of their families for a hot guy they just met in…

DISNEY’S THE LITTLE MERMAID

Meet Ariel…

A reckless, airheaded piece of jailbait…

“I’m sixteen years old! I’m not a child!”

A mermaid who boldly dreams of leaving the ocean and living on the surface world…

Er…provided she gets to be a rich princess who lives a pampered life like she currently does under the ocean and doesn’t have to worry about things like growing her own food or working…oh! And she has to be married to a hot guy.

And her friends…

Sebastian!

A “callisto” crab conductor who made you want to rip your ears off with “Under the Sea” YEARS before you heard “Let It Go”…

Scuttle!

A seagull who should give you some reasonable idea of Ariel’s ability to make good choices as she accepts every ridiculous explanation he gives as gospel…

For the love of… You’ve seen how humans dress both in your collection and on that boat! Why do you think they dress like that?!

And Flounder!

A character who exists only to keep Ariel from needing to talk to herself during the opening sequence when she raids the ship…

Watch her turmoil when her father, King Triton, forbids her to marry a guy she just met and knew for less than one day, proving himself to be a curmudgeony old fart standing in the way of true love…

You know…TOTALLY unlike that one Queen of Arendelle who forbade her sister to marry a guy she just met and knew for less than one day who was incredibly sensible and prudent….

And it drives her to make a deal with Ursula, the Sea Witch…to turn her into a human for three days…during which she has to kiss a handsome Danish prince who’s first name isn’t Hamlet…or her soul belongs to her!

Remember kids! It’s fine to abandon your family, your home, your way of life, and even sell your soul to evil to run off with some guy you knew less than a week…so long as it’s true love! That’s how we did it in the 90’s! And look how we turned out!

(RECORD DIVORCE RATES IN THE USA)

Er…nevermind.

Watch this plucky, bold, and inspirational-to-girls heroine as she…

Nearly gets herself killed doing things she was told not to do! (Raiding the ship for human materials)

Thoughtlessly ruins events that her sisters and friends planned in advance due to her own selfishness! (Not making it to the concert so she can go ship-raiding on a ship that would still be there later)

Acts like the world would end if she can’t be with a guy she’s seen for less than six hours! (Her “being miserable for the rest of her life” if she can’t be with Eric)

Nearly kills her own boyfriend so she can have fun! (Her taking the reins in the horse carriage ride)

Ignores those concerned with the welfare of her immortal soul! (She just falls asleep when Sebastian tries to give her advice on romancing Eric; shakes off Sebastian when he tries to tell her not to go to the witch; stops Sebastian from alerting Triton or going back to Ursula to cancel the deal)

Uh…whines like a spoiled little brat to have her rich daddy get her out of trouble!

URSULA: (Presenting the contract) We made a deal!

ARIEL: Daddy, I’m sorry! I-I didn’t mean to!

Uh…yes you did.

Er…forces her loved ones to…sacrifice themselves…for her mistakes… (Triton giving up his own soul to free Ariel’s)

And…ugh…being a completely helpless damsel in distress who needs a hot guy to save her… (Pretty much just screaming and cringing while Eric rams the boat into Ursula)

Ugh…where’s my copy of “Frozen”? I need to watch more Anna and Elsa to wash this taste out of my mouth…

Watch as through the magic of “Disneyfication”, a story that ended with the little mermaid turning into sea foam rather than break up the love between the prince she came to love and a young priestess gets whitewashed into the ultimate “have-it-all” ending…with Ariel not only getting changed back into a human and having a storybook wedding…but all the mermaids are able to attend and not a single human on board that boat tries to capture one and make a fortune…

And go wide-eyed at the realization that based on the direct-to-video sequel, she and Eric had to have gotten busy on making that kid while she was still sixteen…

Ever see that one episode of “Futurama” with Fry and the mermaid? I’m guessing Eric had to give her some “lessons”… Was she like: “That goes WHERE?!” Actually I’m kind of curious what her reaction was the first time she took a leak…

So sit back and relive the magic of the first Hans Christian Anderson movie that Disney bastardized…and wonder why, between this movie and “Frozen”, they decided to do a completely accurate animated version of “The Little Match Girl”!

I mean…damn…that’s tragic… How is this poor kid freezing to death and going to Heaven a “good” ending and Ariel joining the spirits of the air after turning to sea foam a “bad” one?

Starring…

Animated Daryl Hannah! (Ariel)

Non-Greedy Mr. Crabs! (Sebastian)

That guy who was the actor playing Ebeneezer Scrooge in “Scrooged”! (Scuttle)

Not Kent Dorfman! (Flounder)

Bearded Constable Odo! (King Triton)

The Not-So-Amazing Danish Man! (Prince Eric)

And…Combination Tentacle Hentai/Fat Fetish! (Ursula)

THE LITTLE MERMAID!

…Wait…why does that middle tower on the VHS cover look like… Ah, I’m sure it’s just my imagination. It’s not like that sort of thing is anywhere else in the mov-WHOA! That was NOT the priest’s knee!

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