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NOTE: The following is a shameless ripoff of HISHE or “How It Should Have Ended”, a great series on Youtube that I suggest you check out.

(SPOILERS!)

(Scene opens at an airport terminal. The attendant at one of the desks sees Leon and Helena walk up and put down their passports.)

LEON: We need two express tickets to Hong Kong on the biggest plane possible.

HELENA: Preferably one that has a bullet-proof interior…so that…you know…if someone starts shooting around for whatever reason, there’s no chance of immediately killing everyone from explosive decompression.

(The attendant looks over both of them dully for a moment.)

ATTENDANT: …I’m sorry, sir and madam, but frankly…not a chance in Hell.

(Both look surprised.)

LEON: Huh? Why?

ATTENDANT: A…we just had a major bioterrorist incident in this country that resulted in over 70,000 deaths. That’s a lot more than 9/11 and the airports were shut down for days after that. B…checking on both of your passports, both of you are listed as ‘deceased’ and, right before that, you both were on the news as suspects in the murder of the President of the United States. C…you two are armed to the teeth.

(Both stop and look at themselves and their guns and ammo.)

ATTENDANT: Seriously…you aren’t even trying to conceal your guns. We don’t even allow 8 ounces of liquid on a plane in the USA. Why in the world would we let you two on a plane to China?

LEON: Er…um…uh…BULLET-POWERED KICK!

(Breaks the desk, knocks out the attendant, and then runs for the plane.)

(On board the plane, while seated at the table.)

HELENA: (Sighing) Alright, now that you know all about the role I played in the President’s assassination, how about telling me about that woman back there?

LEON: (Lengthy pause) …Fine. It all started back in Raccoon City…

(Cut to a clock to show the passage of time)

LEON: …And that brings us to when I met her in the catacombs along with you. That cover it?

(Helena is staring dumbfounded.)

HELENA: …Let me see if I get this straight. This woman manipulated you back in Raccoon City and played on your emotions to nab the G-Virus, allowing an explosion of bioterrorism activity worldwide, did so a second time back in that thing in Eastern Europe where she stole the last sample Plaga and eventually it made its way around to where it was used to kill thousands of people and make thousands of monsters in Africa, she stole another one in another Eastern European country that’s going to spread even more monsters, which you supposedly dedicated your life to getting rid of…and for some reason you wouldn’t let me shoot her when I had the chance?

(Leon stares blankly for a moment.)

LEON: She…uh…said she didn’t give the first plaga sample out.

HELENA: …She also said she was in Raccoon City looking for her boyfriend and faked being injured as well as her love for you. You haven’t figured out at this point that she lies?

(Leon is again rendered silent.)

HELENA: …You still haven’t answered my question of why you didn’t let me shoot her and why you haven’t shot her by now. At least to keep her from escaping.

LEON: …It’s complicated.

HELENA: (Blinking) That’s your answer? It’s not ‘complicated’ at all. It’s you being led around by your dick, making you one of the most base male stereotypes ever to exist in an action series. You’d do anything a hot woman tells you, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. Why else didn’t you kill me right off the bat when you knew I was involved in the President’s death? Why didn’t you just drag me over to the authorities? I bet you would have if I was a guy. I bet that dictator wouldn’t have escaped from you if she was a guy.

LEON: (Grimacing) …I think that’s a bit of an exag-

HELENA: Kill that passenger over there.

(Leon pulls out his gun and double-taps him, to the shock of the rest of the crew. He’s a bit shocked himself.)

HELENA: Sheesh…I don’t even have to say ‘would you kindly’ with you.

(Scene cuts to the interior of the City Hall in Estonia where Chris’ group has detained Carla.)

CHRIS: Alright…Finn, guard the civilian.

FINN: Right!

PIERS: Um, pardon me, sir…but Finn is the rookie of the group. Shouldn’t you let a more experienced soldier handle watching her?

CHRIS: …Good point. Piers, you guard the civilian.

PIERS: Right. And, as an experienced soldier, the first order of business to do when detaining a civilian that we cannot confirm is not hostile is to search them.

CARLA: (Looking nervous) Wait…what?

(Before she can protest, she’s flushed against a wall with arms and legs spread and Piers pats her down.)

PIERS: Let’s see…we’ve got a handgun…numerous samples of the C-Virus…thumbnail drive with… (takes a moment to put it in a phone) …extensive data on it all labeled to how the terrorist attack here was a “resounding success”…all of them addressed to Derek Simmons, current Head of the Defense Department for the United States of America…and…a modified fragmentary grenade loaded with lots of tiny syringes holding samples of the C-Virus that, if it had been thrown into our midst, would have most certainly turned most of the unit into more B.O.W.s.

(Everyone glares daggers at her.)

CHRIS: …Care to explain this, Ms. Wong?

(She hesitates a moment, then flashes a seductive smile before making her hand in the shape of a gun and shooting at the ceiling…only for nothing to happen. She blinks in surprise.)

PIERS: Oh…I also confiscated a grapple gun.

(Carla begins to grin sheepishly and cringe.)

(Scene cuts to the locker room of an all-white lab facility, where a scantily-clothed Sherry is nervously hiding when Jake suddenly jumps from the vent and lands on the floor.)

SHERRY: Jake!

JAKE: (Turning to her) Sherry? What are you doing here?

SHERRY: What’s it look like? I’m escaping! What about you?

JAKE: Escaping, of course. I felt in the mood for it today. I mean…I escaped using nothing other than my bare hands. Which means at any point over the past six months I could have escaped, yet for some reason…I figured ‘today’s the day’. Maybe I finally had enough of the nasty food…or, you know, the 24/7 poking and prodding. I probably should have escaped some time before they took enough tests to modify the C-Virus…but oh well. You?

SHERRY: Well, I guess I eventually decided I was sick of being stripped naked and examined by machines. It took me six months to ‘have enough’, though…you know, in spite of the fact I’m still emotionally scarred from having spent 12 years of my life in an oversized ‘rat’s cage’. I guess I still had six months of ‘tolerance’ left in me. All I had to do was hide behind my bed and then spring on the guard who ran in to check on me, so I didn’t need weapons or anything either. Who would have thought we would both pick the exact same day, same hour, and even same time to escape even though we both had half of a year?

JAKE: Yeah… (Looks at how they’re dressed) …We can’t go running around looking like this. I’d ask if there are any disguises in these lockers, but considering the fact the guys always came to our cells wearing business suits and those masks that looked reclaimed from ‘3 Ninjas’…

SHERRY: Oh, we got better than that. (Reaches in a locker and pulls out some stuff.) Look! Our clothes from six months ago!

JAKE: …They kept them that long?

SHERRY: Not only that, they cleaned and mended them. Otherwise I’d still have that big spike along my back from when I was impaled.

JAKE: …Huh?

SHERRY: Not only that…they kept all of our weapons, every last one of our bullets, and even those tablets we had in our pill cases. Heh…too bad we already stole these new ones, right? It’s a good thing that’s the one thing we grabbed from the guys we knocked out…you know, instead of their guns. We’d be up a creek without them.

JAKE: (Stares dumbly) …Are you sure they didn’t want us to escape this whole time?

SHERRY: Come on. (Hurridly gets dressed) We got to go.

JAKE: Why are you hanging your scarf around your neck? That’s just going to get caught on things and choke you.

SHERRY: …Well, it could be a bit nippy out. You never know. Besides, it looks cool when it ‘flies up’ behind me.

(Jake stares blankly.)

SHERRY: …Ada wears one year round and it makes her look cooler.

(Jake frowns and crosses his arms. Sherry frowns as well, and finally rips off her sleeve and busts a giant, hideous eyeball out of her shoulder and razor-sharp, foot-long claws.)

SHERRY: (Monstrous voice) JUST DROP IT, OK?!

(Shot of Chris and Piers rushing along the outside of the ship, trying to get to the fighter jet. Their radios squawk.)

VOICE: We’ve confirmed Wong wasn’t lying. There’s an aircraft carrier inbound in the bay.

(Both look nervous and run faster…before the voice continues.)

VOICE: That is…there was one three days ago, but it’s long since been sunk.

(Both men look confused and slow to a halt.)

VOICE: China flattened it as soon as it exited international waters into their territory. (Pause) …Come on, seriously. China gets mad when a Japanese fishing boat gets too close to their borders. Do you honestly think they were going to allow a damn aircraft carrier to get only a couple miles from their shoreline and not launch any sort of military response? Especially one that can launch ICBMs like a submarine? And yes, you would have to launch ICBMs to be able to infect the planet because no fighter would have enough range to go all around the world even if you gave it fuel tanks. By the way, her last experiment is on board an underwater oil rig not far from here.

(Now both men really look surprised.)

PIERS: …How do they know that already?

VOICE: A shadowy puppet master cabal informed us. Apparently Wong was a genetic experiment done by one of their former members, but since they only want to rule the world, not actually destroy it at this time, they went ahead and tipped us off where to find it.

CHRIS: Um…er… (Trying to get excited) Let’s go take that out instead!

VOICE: No need. Already eliminated by Chinese destroyers. Seriously, whoever thought of stashing all of their things in large, obvious targets must have thought China doesn’t have any form of military…

(The two men stand there looking blank.)

CHRIS: …Well what are we supposed to do now?

VOICE: Just…find more J’Avo to kill or something… It’s been working for you so far.

(Suddenly, a horrendous inhuman scream rings out, followed by an eruption of liquid nitrogen and bits of white ooze…followed by Ada Wong leaping out via grapple gun and landing with a smirk on her face on the deck of the ship…before freezing on seeing both BSAA agents. They both turn and look to her as well. Neither side moves.)

ADA: I…really planned on you two being gone by now…

The End

(Shot of a smug-looking Ada walking away from the burning ruins of the lab…before Simmons leaps out and slices her in half. She looks stunned as she dies.)

SIMMONS: Don’t give me that look. After headbutting a train out of the way, getting hit by fuel tankers, falling off buildings, struck by LIGHTNING, and blasted by rocket launchers…you really thought some damn pointy object was going to kill me?

(A pile of white ooze suddenly appears and forms a humanoid body.)

CARLA: Or that I had infested a whole ship and you were supposed to somehow kill me by just freezing and shattering one tiny part of my body? (Pause) …Um, by killing her, didn’t you just kill the franchise?

SIMMONS: (Sighing) You can’t kill something that’s already dead…

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