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From Squaresoft…the company that would eventually merge with Enix to become SQUARE ENIX before it started churning out overly confusing plotlines and ruining one of the greatest RPG series of all time…

Comes a game that proved they were making overly confusing plotlines and ruining franchises as early as the 1990s…

CHRONO CROSS

“Chrono Trigger” was one of the best loved JRPGs and video games of all time… 

Now…get ready to have whole new appreciation for “X-Men: The Last Stand” and “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” as you play one of the worst sequels to an ultra-popular franchise ever made.

Join Serge…

Or, for convenience sake, Beach-Dwelling, Darth-Maul-Sword-Using, Neo-Crono…

And his best frienemy, the not-so-enigmatic and uninteresting Kid…

Who’s kind of like Tetra in “The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker”, only she never gets to be appealing…

As they join forces with pretty much every single man, woman, child, and sentient creature in the entire game to battle the nefarious…the evil…

(Snicker) Yeah, you really had me going there for a second. Who’s the real main bad guy? (Pause) …No, seriously, who’s the real villain?

…You’ve got to be kidding me. After all the cool-looking villains Squaresoft has put out over the years, the main bad guy is “the Lost Thundercat”?! You can make guys like him at Build-A-Bear Workshop!

…Sigh…

…Battle the “nefarious”…the “evil”…Lynx…

A villain so pathetic he only looks like that for the first third of the game and is gone long before the finale.

Together, Serge and Kid will go on an epic quest to…

Er…

Um…

No one really knows.

Seriously, the plot of this game is like trying to pay attention to the Architect in “The Matrix Reloaded” for two hours and trying to make sense of what he says…uh…let me take a stab at it…

Some…plot involving…the cast from the first game being dead…being stuck in some archipelago run by some fate-controlling computer…that was angry Lavos got killed…and somehow a bunch of reptite descendants that think humanity is a bunch of Lavos mutants…and Schala being Gorilla Glued to Lavos who somehow is still in the End of Time…plus ghosts of Crono, Marle, and Lucca who are all WAY shorter than, like, six-year-olds…

…There’s a guy in a Panama hat near a frozen tidal wave that has to kill you for some reason…yeah…that was definitely in there at some point…

Relive the magic of everything you liked about the original “Chrono Trigger” being totally ruined by this entry in the franchise…such as…

-Somehow reducing the plotline from going through five different time periods to only a single alternate universe, and yet still being infinitely more confusing…

-Reducing the popular double techs and triple techs to only a dozen or so and only with characters that are really hard to recruit and pair up with…

-An incredibly crappy, hard-to-use, cumbersome, and unnecessarily complex battle system…

-Going from eight incredibly well-developed, fun, and complex characters to forty-five…forty-two of which are almost completely irrelevant to the plot and who make trying to level grind a living nightmare…

What? You want to join my party too?! Can’t I say ‘no’ just this once?! I can’t afford to equip you!

-Characters like Glenn, Guile, and Luccia who serve only for Squaresoft to slap fans of “Chrono Trigger” in the face, considering the fact of how similar they are to characters from the original game…

AND…

-In the most pathetic attempt to make a lame villain look “cool” by comparison since the Spinosaurus killed the Tyrannosaurus in “Jurassic Park III”…have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of your beloved characters from “Chrono Trigger” pop up in the game only to get killed with incredible ease by ‘Darth Kitty’…

Seriously, he’s such a pathetic attempt at a ripoff… Next thing you’ll say is he’s the protagonist’s father…

…OH, COME ON!

Fight your way through one clunky battle after another, recruit more allies than you know what to do with, bumble through a plot that will leave your brain numb…

And struggle and strain to defeat the ultimate final boss…

…Who, in the ultimate plot fail after wading through the over-intricate story, is really just the final boss of the original game, now transformed into what looks like a fossilized dinosaur diarrhea stain…

Only to discover you got the crappy ending…and that to get the “good” ending you must play the most frustrating game of “Simon” ever while fighting the final boss…

…Only to get an ending only slightly less crappy.

An older Kid on the beach writing a letter?! I PLAYED 70 HOURS FOR THAT?!

And unravel the ultimate secret of the Frozen Flame aka the Chrono Cross…

…That the whole game is basically the side quest that was missing in “Chrono Trigger”, which was to rescue Schala. There. I said it. You don’t have to play it now.

STARRING…

Not-Crono (Serge)…

Not-Marle (Leena)…

Not-Lucca (Luccia)…

Not-Ayla (Leah)…

Not-Magus (Guile)…

Not-Frog (Glenn)…

Definitely Not-Robo (Grobyc)…

Not-Michael Jackson (Nikki)…

Not-Blaster (Zoah)…

Not-Mutenroshi (Radius)…

Not-Harley-Quinn (Harle)…

Not-Spike (Draggy)…

The four characters from “Chrono Trigger” no one wanted to see in a sequel… (Belthasar, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash)

And Not-Schala…no wait… (Kid)

CHRONO CROSS

 …There is no way whoever wrote this game even played the original. Seriously, all they did was crack open some strategy guide, read the “bullet points”, and then they made this. Look, they couldn’t even get Akira Toriyama on board! …And now I hate “Record of Lodoss War” for some reason. 

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