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(NOTE: This is a shameless knockoff of HISHE, a great channel on Youtube which makes great videos that you should go watch right now.)


(Scene opens in the Palace of Zeal, where Schala is in her room brooding and sighing. Suddenly, a shadow walks in through the doorway. She reacts, and turns to look, and recoils a little as she sees it’s the Prophet.)

PROPHET: Schala…

SCHALA: You… What do you want?

PROPHET: There’s something very important I have to tell you…I-

(Suddenly, an attendant walks in.)

ATTENDANT: Lady Schala? Your mother requests to speak with you at once.

(Schala blinks.)

SCHALA: …I’m coming.

PROPHET: Wait. I’ve got to tell you-

ATTENDANT: My lady, if you don’t hurry I’ll be yelled at.

SCHALA: Ok, I’m coming…

PROPHET: (Putting his hand out) Um…excuse me. I was talking here. Now Schala, I-

ATTENDANT: She’ll get really, really mad right now if you don’t stop talking to whoever you’re talking to, no matter how important, and come see her right now.

(The Prophet sighs, then holds up a palm at the attendant.)

PROPHET: Dark Bomb.

(The attendant is annihilated in a blast of shadow magic. Schala is rather shocked.)

PROPHET: Boring conversation anyway…

(He pulls off his hood.)

SCHALA: Who…who are you? And why do you look…familiar…wait, no except for the blue hair, you look nothing like Janus. My mistake.

(Magus frowns.)

MAGUS: …I am Janus. A few days from now you’re going to boost the Mammon Machine up to full power, awaken Lavos, and he’s going to destroy Zeal and kill almost everyone in it and most of the Earthbound Ones and eventually destroy this entire world and leave it a dead shell only 20,000 years from now, but not before he opens a series of time gates that will throw the child version of me and the Three Gurus to various points in time, and fuses with you in some sort of irregular crystaline structure that somehow splits off a portion of you which goes 19,000 years into the future and gets reborn as a baby, only with blond hair, and then gets raised by a purple-haired inventor who will eventually be killed by a cat man in black, scarring you for life and leaving you emotionally unstable yet somehow in the course of the kingdom you live in being destroyed you’ll end up with Guardia’s Pendant again which used to be your pendant but now will flip with your mind even more because every time something kills you it will throw you “forward” a short period of time to keep you immortal, all before you get stuck in some interdimensional warped archipelago controlled by a big computer obsessed with fate.

(Schala stares open-mouthed.)

SCHALA: I…kind of lost you after the part where I get fused to something…

MAGUS: Don’t worry about that. (Rolls his eyes) No one else will pay attention to it either…

SCHALA: But…if everything that you’re saying is true…how come you didn’t tell us all this when you first arrived?

MAGUS: Well, I had planned on not only helping Zeal continue her plans to fully awaken Lavos at near the height of his power, but also in stopping a bunch of other time-traveling heroes who came here to stop her and keep Lavos from being revived.

(Schala stares even more blankly.)

SCHALA: Um…why exactly would you want to do all that? You must have had hundreds of attempts to do something that would have kept that future from taking place…and instead you almost guarantee it happening by betting that you’re somehow stronger than something that’s the source of your power, mother’s power, my power, and everything in Zeal combined?

MAGUS: (Pause) I…guess I thought it would look “cooler” if I killed Lavos single-handedly when he was at his strongest… But then I started reading a bunch of manga and I realized that when guys help the villain get to his strongest possible so they can have more “glory” at taking him out, it never works out. (Shakes head) Point being…I came to warn you about what’ll happen.

SCHALA: Alright…but how do I stop all of that from happening?

MAGUS: Relax. Just do exactly what I say…

(Scene cuts to several days later in the Ocean Palace with the gathering in front of the Mammon Machine, including the Prophet, Schala, and the Queen. Zeal is her haughty, laughing self.)

ZEAL: Now! Now is the time of eternal glory for the immortal kingdom of Zeal! Now Schala…raise the machine to its full power!

SCHALA: No! I won’t!

ZEAL: Do as I say, child!

(Schala pauses a moment.)


(Zeal pauses, looking confused, then furious.)

ZEAL: Do as I say, Schala!


(Zeal grows more enraged and louder.)


SCHALA: (A bit quieter) …No.


SCHALA: (Cutting off) I said “No”, alright? Look! I know that Lavos has eaten your soul and it’s going to destroy Zeal and the rest of the world if I turn the power up on the machine! I already swore I wouldn’t have anything to do with it anymore! You think just by yelling “do as I say” louder and louder I’m going to change my mind?

(Zeal pauses a moment. Her look deflates.)

ZEAL: Um…please do as I say?


ZEAL: Er…pretty please turn the Mammon Machine up to full power?


ZEAL: I’ll…um…er…buy you a pony?

SCHALA: I’m 18 and NO! NO! NO!

(Crono and the group suddenly breaks in the back.)

LUCCA: Quick! Throw the… (Notices the situation) Or…er…take your time and throw the Dreamstone knife into the still-inactive Mammon Machine whenever you feel like it.

ROBO: I clearly miscalculated the threat level.

(Zeal hisses.)

ZEAL: How dare you filthy Earthbound Ones intrude here! I’ll… (Trails off uneasily) …probably not be able to put up much of a fight because I counted on Lavos having given me far more power by now…

PROPHET: Well…that’s taken care of.

(Throws off his hood, immediately seizes Zeal and throws her to the floor, and then begins bashing her in the face off screen again and again and again repeatedly as blood begins to splatter up and around him on his clothes.)

(Scene cuts to the Porre Inn back in 1000 A.D. The whole gang is there, including Schala, while Magus in the background is covered with blood and is still beating away at what has to be Zeal’s corpse by now.)

SCHALA: I mean…Magus pointed it out. How exactly was mother supposed to force me to turn up the Mammon Machine? She couldn’t threaten me personally. If she killed me, then no one could turn up the Mammon Machine. She kept me isolated doing her bidding for so long and kept to herself I didn’t have any friends that she knew of that she could use as hostages. She could have used Janus but she let Dalton smack him down back in the Earthbound Village. Seriously…her plan was just to shout at me until I turned the machine up. And if I had done that…well… (Chuckles) I would have only had myself to blame for everything that happened.

FROG: Indeed. T’would have been a mark of extremely low intelligence upon thee, young maiden.

AYLA: Even Ayla see lack of logic in that.

(Marle is about to take a drink, when she gets a splat of blood on her. Grimacing, she turns and looks to Magus beating on Zeal’s remains.)

MARLE: Um…it’s been about…17 hours…I think she’s dead…

(Magus pauses briefly.)

MAGUS: Because of her, I spent 30 years in the Middle Ages. (Begins to quiver with rage.) Have you ever gone to the bathroom in a public facility in the Middle Ages?!

(Marle swallows and recoils.)

MARLE: …Continue.

(The bloodbath resumes.)

LUCCA: Well, looks like it’s all over at last…

(Suddenly, a familiar one-eyed man pops in the window.)

DALTON: Ha-ha-ha! I am the great heir of Zeal and emperor of the world, King Dalton! Through the magic of retconning I have escaped being imprisoned in the phantom zone and ended up right here in Porre in 1,000 AD! And now…I will use my vast intellect and amazing magical power to turn this peaceful city that most people didn’t even remember the name of into a military powerhouse that thrives on conquering all small countries, and I will use it to burn Guardia to the ground in order to have my revenge! Taking me from the ranks of being a miserable, weak, bag-of-wind henchman villain to the ranks of secretly the greatest villain in the entire franch-

(During this time, everyone has been sighing and rolling their eyes, before Lucca looks over at Marle and gestures at him. Marle nods, pulls out her crossbow, takes aim, and fires a single arrow into Dalton’s head, cutting him off with a gag.)

DALTON: Urk…damn…no depth perception…

(He falls over dead. Crono takes a swig of his “soda”.)

CRONO: Let’s see someone willing to climb up Death Peak with a Time Egg for that guy…