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(Yet another shameless ripoff of Cinema Sins on YouTube. If you haven’t checked them out yet after all the times I’ve told you…why not?)

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

(Deep breath)

MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC – EQUESTRIA GIRLS: RAINBOW ROCKS

In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.

SPOILERS! (Duh…)

Season Five doesn’t come out until 2015 because this was made.

SIN COUNT: 1

Here’s our villains. Don’t cough during the intro to this movie or you won’t know their names, because they are never mentioned again.

SIN COUNT: 2

The villains are Adagio Dazzle, Aria Blaze, and Sonata Dusk…or, for convenience sake, Lawful Evil, Chaotic Evil, and Stupid Evil. For some reason, the main bad guy makes me think of cheese more than music.

SIN COUNT: 3

So basically these three could have taken over this world over a thousand years ago if they decided to stop hanging around in coffee shops and just put a band together that would go platinum, but I guess so long as they didn’t “get a good meal out of it”, it wasn’t worth the effort.

SIN COUNT: 4

(After the Dazzlings discuss their intent to takeover at the band)

Megan McCarthy was presented with a simple task: create an even more ridiculous setup to somehow make something of trivial high school importance have the fate of the world hinge on it than “Equestria Girls” did. Well played, Ms. McCarthy.

SIN COUNT: 5

Movie title has the most subcategories of a title to ANYTHING in history.

SIN COUNT: 6

Movie is called “Rainbow Rocks” when it has little to do with Rainbow Dash specifically other than she made the band. It should have been called “Sunset Rocks”.

SIN COUNT: 7

Previously on “Equestria Girls”…courtesy of a Spider-Man 2 intro.

SIN COUNT: 8

Enjoy this weak song at the beginning because it’s the first of one million.

SIN COUNT: 9

SUNSET: “I didn’t know the whole school would be here…”

Yeah…because who would have thought the whole school would be…in school?

SIN COUNT: 10

Trixie has minions now. I guess Snips and Snails were too busy watching Will Smith’s old rap routines from the early 1990s to join her.

SIN COUNT: 11

Speaking of which, I can more than understand everyone hating Sunset Shimmer now, but…how come they’re cool with Snips and Snails? How come those two are giving her the stink eye like they weren’t going along with her? They even had to help her rebuild the school.

SIN COUNT: 12

“Fall Formal” is apparently the code word for “Everyone Hate Sunset Right Now”.

SIN COUNT: 13

The girls are a bit off. Technically Twilight Sparkle was the one who brought them all together after Sunset Shimmer split them all up…

SIN COUNT: 14

What’s this song Rarity is singing called? It doesn’t matter. It’s real title is “Exposition”.

SIN COUNT: 15

Girls still aren’t freaked out by the fact that they’re werehorses.

SIN COUNT: 16

PINKIE: “And friends are everywhere…”

Unless you’re Sunset Shimmer. Then people who want to kill you are everywhere.

SIN COUNT: 17

(Flash Sentry walks in)

SIN COUNT: 18

Apparently the Elements of Harmony made Sunset Shimmer as clueless as everyone else about how to recognize evil. Just look at these three. You didn’t even need the intro to this movie to know they’re dripping evil. The only way you can make it more obvious is if you had Voltaire singing for them everywhere they walk. She gets a special sin because she should know how to recognize it.

SIN COUNT: 19

SONATA: “Lunch?”

What’s the cheapest way to make villains who are cardboard cutouts of each other “different”? Make one an imbecile.

SIN COUNT: 20

(After the Dazzlings announce their plan)

Lame plan…but good exposition.

SIN COUNT: 21

Movie opted for original villains to sow discord in Canterlot High when they could have used humanized Discord.

SIN COUNT: 22

(Applejack voicing her faith in Principal Celestia doing something about this)

Sigh… Even if humanized Applejack wasn’t familiar with how Celestia does things…or, more importantly, fails to do things…she let Sunset Shimmer go unchecked for FOUR YEARS.

SIN COUNT: 23

SUNSET: “None taken.”

None taken count: 1

SIN COUNT: 24

The one time Luna not being around would have actually been beneficial, she was in the same room as Celestia to get brainwashed along with her.

SIN COUNT: 25

Green-eyed brainwashing reminds audience that movie opted for original villains to feed off of the emotions of the individuals in Canterlot High when they could have used humanized Chrysalis.

SIN COUNT: 26

SUNSET: “None taken.”

None taken count: 2

SIN COUNT: 27

Um…you girls remembered that Twilight couldn’t do magic in your world either, right?

SIN COUNT: 28

Cellular book.

SIN COUNT: 29

So Princess Celestia just shoved off the book that was her one way of getting in touch with her former star pupil onto Twilight Sparkle so if she ever had anything important to say or wanted to repent, she wouldn’t get the message. Damnit, Celestia shirks responsibility for EVERYTHING.

SIN COUNT: 30

People who wanted to see Merponies from the G1 series appear in MLP:FIM regret it on seeing they’ve been turned into Sirens.

SIN COUNT: 31

Ok, so you can blame Starswirl the Bearded for sealing the Dazzlings away in the humanized world instead of Princess Celestia…but the fact that Twilight Sparkle is able to read this in a book plus the plot has since been altered to make Starswirl the Bearded a contemporary of Princess Celestia (which is its own sin but ignoring that for now…) means she knew all about it and didn’t break the mirror for some reason.

SIN COUNT: 32

Incredibly crucial and impossible-to-change plot device from first movie gets resolved by “magic science” in ten seconds.

SIN COUNT: 33

Twilight Sparkle, who forgave Princess Luna after, like, ten seconds and tried to rally Ponyville to welcome her back after 1,000 years of Nightmare Moon, is now as standoffish about Sunset Shimmer as everyone else.

SIN COUNT: 34

The title “Princess Twilight Sparkle of Friendship”. (I know this is supposed to be a kid’s show, but…)

SIN COUNT: 35

SUNSET: “None taken.”

None taken count: 3. It’s not getting funnier the more times you say it.

SIN COUNT: 36

Shouldn’t everyone in this school be stunned, amazed, and excited to see Twilight Sparkle again after what happened at the end of Equestria Girls? Furthermore, shouldn’t they all be fearful of the humanized Mane Six considering what they did last time?

SIN COUNT: 37

Out of all the villains that fans wanted to see humanized in this movie, the animators went with the Diamond Dogs.

SIN COUNT: 38

TWILIGHT: “Why isn’t this working?”

Because we need a lousy, unexplained, and weak plot device to make you sing like the title of the movie implies. Duh.

SIN COUNT: 39

(Rarity stating they need to perform at the Battle of the Bands to have everyone hear the counter-spell at once.)

Obvious and unnecessary advice.

SIN COUNT: 40

“We don’t even have to win…”

…Although you will and everyone in the audience with a brain knows it.

SIN COUNT: 41

Am I the only one who would love nothing more in the bedroom scene than to see what video game Applejack and Rainbow Dash are playing?

SIN COUNT: 42

Movie shamelessly cashes in on unexpected popularity of Maud Pie.

SIN COUNT: 43

But if Maud is there, then we can assume humanized Pinkie still lives with her parents, who we know in Equestria are practically Amish. They’re cool with Pinkie filling up the fridge with all the whipped cream? They’re cool with even owning a fridge?

SIN COUNT: 44

Actually, Twilight’s lyrics aren’t any worse than the rest of the film. She just can’t sing. Or are we supposed to think she wrote music that was off key by mistake?

SIN COUNT: 45

Daft Punk.

SIN COUNT: 46

Um, why is it so crucial that the girls keep the fact they can turn into magic werehorses a secret…when it’s not a secret at all? Everyone in the school already knows about it. Later we find out that the Dazzlings haven’t just been “dropping by to look evil and sow discord”…they’ve actually been checking into the history of the school. The fact that they know all about Sunset Shimmer means they have to know that the girls can do magic. Unnecessary plot device is unnecessary.

SIN COUNT: 47

The CMCs are back in their clothes from their performance in the first season. How they heck do they manage to make it to the quarterfinals later singing that song?

SIN COUNT: 48

Movie plugs a meme of its franchise’s own “20% Cooler” meme.

SIN COUNT: 49

You know, what exactly is stopping the girls from performing during the Battle of the Bands even if they don’t make it to the Finals?

SIN COUNT: 50

This isn’t a sin. Just pointing out that Derpy may not have won the Battle of the Bands, but she already won the hearts and minds of the audience.

SIN COUNT: 50

Confrontation scene between Sunset Shimmer and the Dazzlings in that one corner of the school is a role reversal from Twilight Sparkle and her confrontation from the first movie. It might even be the same corner.

SIN COUNT: 51

The Dazzlings boast about knowing information about Sunset Shimmer every single person in the entire plot already knew.

SIN COUNT: 52

Lyra and Bon-Bon are in a band together…sitting on a piano bench together. And the fanboys and girls who had them shipping for years go ballistic.

SIN COUNT: 53

Sunset Shimmer the roadie.

SIN COUNT: 54

Why is Twilight on stage when she’s not singing or playing an instrument? Moral support? No wonder Sunset got pissed.

SIN COUNT: 55

So…the Dazzlings antagonized the school to be against the Rainbooms so that they could ruin their performances and make them upset, ending up in driving Rainbow Dash to ruin the performance, causing Sunset Shimmer to intervene to get everyone mad at her and botch their performance so they’d lose, only to have the Dazzlings brainwash Celestia and Luna to make them win, so that Trixie would get mad that she had her victory stolen from her so that they could encourage her to “get even” and use this convenient plot-device lever to imprison them all underneath the stage right where the performance was going to take place.

Most unnecessary convoluted plot ever to appear on the show. Were the Dazzlings trying to get everyone mad at the Rainbooms but still let them win and counted on various acts of fate, luck, and convenient planning at best to get them in a situation where they would be right beneath the Battle of the Bands stage and arguing with each other at the precise moment they were performing so they could absorb their power? Not only is that a Gambit Roulette, it’s also unnecessary. Why didn’t they let them lose? Wouldn’t that have made them mad at each other too? Why did they need Trixie to imprison them? Couldn’t they have done it themselves?

This is worth two sins.

SIN COUNT: 57

Three villain songs in one movie? Are you sure this isn’t a pilot movie episode for a reboot of “Jem” and we aren’t watching “The Misfits” right now?

SIN COUNT: 58

Movie opted for original villains to absorb the power of the Mane Six and the students of Canterlot High to bring out their true power when they could have used humanized Tir…sigh, forget it.

SIN COUNT: 59

Vinyl ex Machina.

SIN COUNT: 60

(Twilight’s proclamation that they don’t need a counter-spell and can just sing anything)

(Deep breath) DUUUH! For goodness sakes, right when you showed up Rainbow Dash showed you the video showing that when they sang anything they could turn into wereponies! You never needed a counter-spell! For that matter, you never needed to wait until the Finals of the Battle of the Bands! You were going to zap them right there and then in the auditorium! Movie just points out everything wrong with its own plot.

SIN COUNT: 61

No one making this movie has seen a rock concert since the 1980s.

SIN COUNT: 62

(The climax)

BASS BATTLE – FIGHT!

SIN COUNT: 63

Girls go Super Pony-Jin 2…or whatever Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon transformation you want.

SIN COUNT: 64

On that note, Sunset Shimmer is now Chibi-Usa.

SIN COUNT: 65

Sunset Shimmer totally displaced the protagonists of this film. She’s the only one who saw the green fog, she was the only one immune to the attempts of the Dazzlers to get the Mane Six fighting with each other, she has all the best insights, she gets the group to reconcile, and finally she unites with the Mane Six to defeat the Dazzlings. Not since Wolverine has a single character “taken over” an entry in a franchise so completely.

SIN COUNT: 66

Apparently those jewels had their larynxs in them.

SIN COUNT: 67

That’s right, boo them off the stage! Instead of, I don’t know, beating the sh’t out of them for brainwashing you and feeding on you all like parasites. Maybe we’ll just have to give them dirty looks every time someone says “Battle of the Bands” from now on.

SIN COUNT: 68

Entire movie is an excuse to restore the “2 earth pony, 2 pegasi, and 2 unicorn” dynamic to the main six characters.

SIN COUNT: 69

TWILIGHT: “Goodbye ’til next time!”

SIN COUNT: 70…71…72…73…74

Movie that begins with “My Little Pony” features less than five minutes of actual ponies on camera.

SIN COUNT: 75

So, at the end…Sunset is Twilight, Twilight is Celestia, the Mane Six are the Sailor Senshi, the world is Doug, and absolutely nothing in reality makes sense anymore.

SIN COUNT: 76

(On seeing humanized Twilight at the end)

Where the (bleep) have you been? We already gave your role to Sunset Shimmer!

SIN COUNT: 77

Also, Hasbro found a way to make Twilight Sparkle a villain.

SIN COUNT: 78

TOTAL SINS: 78

SENTENCE: BANISHED INTO THE WORLD ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR (Join the club…they have t-shirts)

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