(EDIT: 4/7/2015 – Beat you again by several months, Cinema Sins. :P)
The following is a shameless ripoff of Cinema Sins. They have a great channel on Youtube that you should check out because they’re really funny and ruin lots of your favorite movies. 😛
“Big Hero 6”
In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.
No Marvel logo. I guess Disney “cut out the middleman” for this one.
SIN COUNT: 1
(Shot of the big bridge)
This obvious knockoff of the Golden Gate.
SIN COUNT: 2
(Shot of name of city “San Fransokyo”)
This city’s name.
SIN COUNT: 3
(The Bot Battle)
This is how everyone wanted that show “Battlebots” on Comedy Central to go down but were ruined by things like physics, mechanics, and reality. If this was real, some guy with a robot who was a giant wedge would come in and start beating up everything else.
SIN COUNT: 4
Also, apparently whatever time period or universe this world is set in does the same thing as “Real Steel”, only smaller.
SIN COUNT: 5
Hiro is such a d**k to people he’s hustling he even gave his robot a troll face.
SIN COUNT: 6
Oh no! The police found the spot where there was illegal gambling on a street Bot Battle! Probably took them all of two minutes considering the fact a little while from now we find out all of these things are made public on the Internet. I guess the only way those web site publishers can get away with that is they have one of those little disclaimers in tiny print at the bottom discouraging gambling on the matches.
SIN COUNT: 7
(On seeing Aunt Cass)
Discount Aunt May.
SIN COUNT: 8
Honey Lemon’s project is either a way to make all of those little chemistry demonstrations from grade school that ultimately served no purpose look a lot bigger and cooler or she’s trying to devise the most colorful weapon of mass destruction ever.
SIN COUNT: 9
Wasabi apparently invented the security system for the “Resident Evil” movies.
SIN COUNT: 10
On that note, pretty much all of these students are working on things that have more military and “evil” applications than anything for peaceful purposes.
SIN COUNT: 11
What exactly is Fred doing here? We find out you can’t even get into the good old SFIT (San Fransokyo Institute of Technology) unless you invent something amazing for an entrance exam, but he just keeps saying he’s the school mascot and he seems to have the same amount of academic ability as the average pothead stoner. Did the staff really admire his extracurricular activities or are they letting him just hang out there where everyone is making breakthroughs in technology that are worth millions? Or did his dad just grease their palms with some of his comic book royalties?
SIN COUNT: 12
Tadashi obviously got his inspiration for Baymax by seeing all those little tacky inflatable snowmen they have out around Christmas.
SIN COUNT: 13
Ok, I get the whole “inflatable design makes him look friendly”, but that only really applies if Baymax is only designed to treat small children. To adults, it makes him look like something you wouldn’t really have much faith in giving you an accurate diagnosis.
SIN COUNT: 14
(Professor Callaghan’s comment to Hiro as he’s getting on the elevator about this place being too “hard” for him.)
“Reverse Psychology” works on Hiro.
SIN COUNT: 15
(Fast-forward through Hiro’s Microbot development.)
So that’s what happened to the kid who Tony Stark rewarded with all of those advanced tools and technology at the end of “Iron Man 3”.
SIN COUNT: 16
Also, if you look fast, you can see Tadashi’s friends stopping by often, which they probably do, but it seems they’re buddies with Hiro now for some reason. Yet Hiro met them only for the first time at SFIT. Was he such a “reclusive troll” before now that he never met them before then? Or did they just feel awkward going to see Tadashi at his house when they didn’t know Hiro?
SIN COUNT: 17
(Shot of the expo of the guy pedaling his underwater bike)
Because the world has demanded the ability to ride a stationary bike underwater.
SIN COUNT: 18
(The feedback when Hiro first starts talking)
So this school full of geniuses can have all of this amazing futuristic technology but still has problems with feedback on microphones.
SIN COUNT: 19
(Hiro showing off his new Microbots during the demonstration.)
Great job, Hiro. You could definitely enroll in SFIT now. Or…you know…do what every other inventor who ever came up with a revolutionary idea in college ever did and drop out and start your own company and make hundreds of billions of dollars. Or you could go change the course of human civilization because you pretty much just invented the most amazing thing to happen to mankind since electric power with limitless applications. Or you could become a supervillain and take over the world with this tech. …You just want to enroll in the school with it? Ok.
SIN COUNT: 20
(The scene after the demo with Alistair Krei.)
Hello, I’m Alistair Krei. I’m pretty much here to be your Obligatory-Rich-Money-Grubbing-Businessman-Who’s-There-To-Increase-The-Scooby-Doo-Like-Pool-Of-Possible-People-To-Be-Behind-The-Supervillain’s-Mask-From-One-To-Two.
SIN COUNT: 21
Considering the fact that we find out later in the film that the last time Krei and Callaghan saw each other was likely when Krei’s tech failure supposedly killed Callaghan’s daughter, Callaghan is remarkably cordial and Krei is remarkably cheeky.
SIN COUNT: 22
So either make a ton of money on the tech or wait until graduation to start making a ton of money on the tech after everyone’s seen it and will be working overtime to make knockoff versions before you can patent your design. Decisions, decisions…
SIN COUNT: 23
Is there any reason Hiro didn’t take Krei’s deal? He pretty much only wants two things at this point in the film: money and a challenge. The fact that he just made this amazing tech that blew away everything else at the competition kind of shows this school isn’t really going to challenge him.
SIN COUNT: 24
Later we’ll discover that it was Callaghan who blew up the expo so he could simultaneously fake his own death and steal Hiro’s tech for his revenge plan. But he didn’t even know what Hiro was going to demo. Did he hold this expo under the hope that some new student would come along with an unbeatable tech he could use as a weapon?
SIN COUNT: 25
We interrupt this Disney movie to bring you “Spider-Man”.
SIN COUNT: 26
I think Baymax’s scanners are off. There’s no way Hiro didn’t break a toe dropping that piece of a robot on it or anything else in what follows.
SIN COUNT: 27
BAYMAX: “Diagnosis: Puberty.”
This line is pretty funny and makes for so many jokes later…you miss the fact it’s completely wrong. Hiro is just sad and depressed over the death of his brother. Him reaching “that time of his life” has nothing to do with it. Maybe Tadashi should have worked less on Baymax getting his greeting right and actually being good at his task.
SIN COUNT: 28
How does Baymax “break it” to someone who has a Stage IV Malignant Tumor?
SIN COUNT: 29
SIN COUNT: 30
(Baymax “letting out air”.)
SIN COUNT: 31
“Kabuki Man” (because I’m not sure if he has an actual supervillain name in any comic…) raggedly tries to kill Hiro and Baymax with the Microbots but, on seeing them jumping out the window, decides: “Eh, f*** it. I’m sure they won’t be back or go to the police.”
SIN COUNT: 32
There’s lots of movies where “the police don’t believe the kid” telling the story because it’s so unbelievable, but considering the explosion at the Expo, the technology demoed there that a hundred people saw, the universe this world is living in, and the fact that society not only accepts the word of robots but the fact that Baymax suddenly running low on charge had nothing to do with the validity of his story…this cop is an idiot for not taking Hiro more seriously.
SIN COUNT: 33
Baymax was programmed to act like he was drunk whenever he ran low on power for some reason. Maybe it was a safety measure to ensure patients getting a diagnosis from him in this state realize he can’t be trusted.
SIN COUNT: 34
Hiro is trying to hide Baymax’s existence from his aunt for some reason.
SIN COUNT: 35
Rather than build a “combat robot” that would no doubt be far more appropriate for stopping “Kabuki Man”, Hiro decides to spend his time upgrading Baymax; a robot designed to be family friendly, innocent, and to diagnose medical problems.
SIN COUNT: 36
For that matter, Hiro wastes his time doing this when, as the creator of the Microbots, he could probably easily do something like build an improved mental harness to override “Kabuki Man”‘s control of them or some sort of jammer to nullify the signal coming from the mask. Especially since the fact that one of the original robots keeps trying to rejoin the others indicates Callaghan didn’t even bother reprogramming the signal in the mental harness to a frequency Hiro wouldn’t know.
SIN COUNT: 37
After seeing “Kabuki Man” use the Microbots offensively, Hiro somehow thinks “teaching Baymax karate” is going to improve his ability to stop him.
SIN COUNT: 38
So Hiro managed to successfully build Baymax’s new suit of carbon fiber armor using his garage’s technology as well as teach him a whole slew of offensive combat moves all in the time it took for the others to get his message. Either these four are the slowest-responding friends in history or forget what I said earlier…Tony Stark goes to this kid for his tech.
SIN COUNT: 39
GoGo naturally knows how to “Tokyo Drift”. That’s racist.
SIN COUNT: 40
(Picture of Fred’s dad that is clearly Stan Lee.)
Yup, now we know we’re in a Marvel movie.
SIN COUNT: 41
(In Fred’s Room)
And apparently he gave all his rejected ideas he thought would never sell to Fred.
SIN COUNT: 42
So, GoGo-Tomato gets these amazing electromagnetic disks for both rollerblades and weapons, Honey Lemon gets this purse that allows her to instantly synthesize these crazy chemical compounds, Wasabi gets blades that cut anything, Fred gets a “kaiju suit” that’s super strong and breathes fire, Baymax gets armor with improved agility, rocket fists, and can fly, and Hiro…gets a matching costume.
SIN COUNT: 43
We interrupt this Disney movie to bring you “Iron Man”.
SIN COUNT: 44
Are these things Hiro and Baymax are flying around futuristic windmills or the world’s most expensive and over-elaborate kites?
SIN COUNT: 45
HONEY LEMON: “Guys!”
I found the Room-O’-Exposition!
SIN COUNT: 46
Krei’s company was building its own Stargate. Maybe Abigail ended up in a world run by ancient Egyptians who worship the she-male from “The Crying Game”.
SIN COUNT: 47
SIN COUNT: 48
We interrupt this Disney movie to bring you the same “mass destruction cosmic vacuum device” from “Spider-Man 2”.
SIN COUNT: 49
SIN COUNT: 50
Wasabi just randomly flails around swinging his arms and blades and ends up being effective, which makes him the “button-masher” of superheroes.
SIN COUNT: 51
Professor Callaghan! What a shock! …Except to everyone who realized there were only two real people who were interested in the tech and in spite of one of them being supposedly dead the movie had been leading you on so much to think it was Krei that it couldn’t possibly be him.
SIN COUNT: 52
Hiro wrote in a subroutine that if Baymax ever became a killer robot, his eyes would have to turn red so everyone would know it. Apparently it also deadens the score and foley.
SIN COUNT: 53
Until now we’ve sort of arrived at the conclusion Baymax has to obey everything Hiro tells him, but now he won’t let him remove Tadashi’s card to turn him into a homicidal robot again. Did Tadashi build in some sort of safeguard in case he ever decided to “turn evil” and was going to program Baymax to kill or something? Or does Hiro have to tell him he’s absolutely, 100% sure that murdering someone will make him “feel better” before Baymax will let him proceed?
SIN COUNT: 54
So, Professor Callaghan went to all the trouble of giving himself this costume and identity so that when he actually made himself public he immediately could reveal his true identity. …Wait, what?
SIN COUNT: 55
SIN COUNT: 56
BAYMAX: “The life signs are female.”
She’s enclosed in a capsule made out of Disney Plot Armor designed to minimize the deaths of characters in their animated films.
SIN COUNT: 57
Time is short, but we have a couple seconds to spend flying away from the collapsing portal, doing a nice big flashy arc, and then going inside.
SIN COUNT: 58
This alternate dimension is apparently the cesspool all of Honey’s used chemicals ended up in.
SIN COUNT: 59
Ok, the audience has to assume that the scientists behind the portal thought ahead enough to realize that whatever went into the portal actually had to cross through this dimension for a few moments before emerging from the other side and accounted for the fact that someone could be stranded in it, because they triggered this pod that Abigail was in to immediately put her into stasis when things went wrong so she could spend possibly months or years in here and still be recovered alive. So why the heck didn’t they ever rebuild the other portal to “stabilize things” and go in after her or send some sort of probe or lifeline? Did they just assume she was dead the whole time? Is Baymax the only one with “life sign scanners” that could look into the portal and note she was still alive?
SIN COUNT: 60
Is there air in this dimension? If not, did Hiro give his armor an air supply for some reason? Maybe he didn’t want to risk drowning again…
SIN COUNT: 61
Gee, Baymax is getting into a position where he could shove Hiro and Abigail out of the portal and leave himself behind. I’m sure this isn’t leading to anything bad happening…
SIN COUNT: 62
On that note, this dimension has no external gravity tying anyone down. It’s essentially space. Even without the thrusters working, Newton’s laws still apply. Baymax could have aimed himself, Hiro, and Abigail at the portal, turned himself away from it, and then fired, and the “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” might still have generated enough force to push them all through.
SIN COUNT: 63
Gee, you know what could have made this moment less tragic, Hiro? You putting thrusters on your suit!
SIN COUNT: 64
Wait, wait, wait… So Baymax knew his “death” was imminent and, in spite of going on and on about how his mission was to improve Hiro’s mood to a healthy level, purposely put Hiro through all of that increased emotional distress without telling him that he was going to send out his card with him so that Hiro could rebuild him so he wouldn’t really be “dying”, but also somehow was able to remove his own card and, unlike earlier, didn’t immediately turn into “killer robot” mode but instead had that heartfelt scene with Hiro for all the time he was holding it in his hand. This isn’t quite as BS as “Eureka! Love!” in “Frozen”, but it’s damn close.
SIN COUNT: 65
HIRO: (Last line) Who are we?
We’re Spider-Man. No, wait…
SIN COUNT: 66
FINAL TALLY: 66
SENTENCE: PRE-PUBESCENT MOOD SWINGS (You’ll experience hair growth on your…face…chest…armpits…and-)
BAYMAX: “Hello, I am Baymax-” (Olaf spliced in) “And I like warm hugs!”