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(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”.)

From HASBRO…

A company that is apparently feeling threatened by Mattel’s “Monster High” and “Ever After High” series…

Comes a sequel nobody wanted…to a movie nobody wanted…about a theme fanfiction writers have handled better…in a universe that has nothing to do with Equestria…featuring a plot used before…designed to sell merchandise that routinely gets criticized for being “creepy” and “not age appropriate”…

(Deep breath)

MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC ~ EQUESTRIA GIRLS: RAINBOW ROCKS

(Panting) Damn…that title has Stage IV “Colon Cancer”…

Return against your will to CANTERLOT HIGH SCHOOL…which features all the fun, cliqueness, hierarchy, and popularity contests of high school with none of the classwork…

Seriously, when’s the last time anyone has been seeing taking a quiz in that school?

Or…security measures for that matter…

Go ahead! Let the students show up to school one day and sleep in the library! I’m sure they aren’t setting homemade pipe bombs or anything…

For another amazing adventure with your favorite characters turned into humanized forms…

Er…provided Photo Finish, Trixie, and DJ-Pon-3 were your favorite characters. Anyone else and you’re kind of in for a disappointment.

In a world where hundreds of fanartists have turned in amazing concept-art for what the Mane Six would look like as humans, buckle in for Hasbro’s shameless attempt to mimic other toys with abnormal, malformed, clearly-doll-shaped characters who look like they were mutant births from the “Doug” universe…

And enjoy the sequel to a movie whose plot was a ridiculous rip-off of Carter Bryant’s live-action “Bratz” film…with a movie whose plot is a ridiculous rip-off of Hasbro’s own “Jem” series.

I mean, give me a break… This movie seems like a rejected pilot for a series reboot.

Witness the film that features “My Little Pony” in the title…and includes roughly five minutes of actual ponies…

And features “Rainbow Rocks” in the title…although Rainbow Dash is a relatively unimportant character.

See how things left off in the previous film with SUNSET SHIMMER struggling to make friends and facing being a social outcast for her past misdeeds…

…Although…for…some reason…Snips and Snails aren’t social outcasts at all.

Trouble soon arrives in the form of a trio of deadly sirens from Equestria known only as THE DAZZLINGS…

Seriously, they’re known only as “the Dazzlings” for the most part. You won’t even know what their real names are unless you pay attention to the opening credits. And I bet you still get Aria and Sonata mixed up, don’t you?

Who represent a triple-slap to the face for everyone who wanted to see a humanized version of the series’ better villains as they cause discord and unrest among people (Discord), hypnotize students into acting a certain way and feed off of the emotional energy that results (Chrysalis), and absorb the power of the Mane Six to turn into ultimate forms (Tirek), yet have none of the personality or charisma of those three and are essentially the series’ greatest character-lacking villains since Nightmare Moon…

Ugh…where’s John DeLancie when you need him…

And essentially the only interest in them as individuals comes from the fact one is stupid.

ADIAGO: (Sarcastically) Oh no! No one is mingling! It’s like there’s some kind of underlying tension that could bubble to the surface at any minute!

SONATA: It’s the fruit punch, isn’t it? I knew I used too much grape juice!

…Where’s Boulder? I need to smack my head against something.

When the three weave a spell over Canterlot High School in an attempt to feed on Equestrian magic to regain their true power after a thousand years…

…Which doesn’t seem necessary because they aren’t able to feed off of Equestrian magic until the very end of the film and yet they start regaining their “old power”, by their own admission, earlier than that…meaning they’ve been wasting time for 1,000 years…

It’s up to Sunset Shimmer to use a convenient plot device to get in touch with PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE…

Who will resolve the main plot device from the first movie about the Crystal Mirror opening and closing only once every two and a half years in about “two minutes” using magic science…

And will show up to take about forty to forty-five minutes to realize the solution to the problem is something she was shown on a camera phone when she first returned to Canterlot High School as she makes the same mistakes she did in both “Friendship is Magic” and “The Return of Harmony”…

Think she’d have learned after becoming an alicorn…

And unnecessarily tries to hide the fact that she and the girls have Equestrian transformations from the Dazzlings…something that everyone in school already knows and saw during the Fall Formal and probably would have told the Dazzlings about at one point…while also unnecessarily holding off using the spell on just the Dazzlings for the pointless reason that they somehow need to hit everyone at once with it rather than just simply getting the “stragglers” individually so that the movie has a reason to have the Rainbooms perform in a concert.

And you thought the reasoning behind Twilight Sparkle needing to become Princess of the Fall Formal was a stretch.

Prepare yourself for the most shocking takeover of a series by a single relatively unimportant character since Wolverine became the biggest character out of the X-Men…

As RARITY, APPLEJACK, FLUTTERSHY, RAINBOW DASH, and PINKIE PIE become purely “placeholding” characters…

And a rather uninteresting, uninspired, bitchy villain who was nobody’s favorite and who’s sole moment of “awesome” was when she turned into a succubus at the end of the first movie…

Suddenly is transformed by the power of friendship into your favorite heel-turn-face character since Princess Luna and the single most important character in the movie as she…

Is the first to recognize something is up with the Dazzlings…

Provides the journal that allows the girls to contact Princess Twilight Sparkle…

Recognizes what the bad guys’ plan is long before everyone else…

Has an…admittedly-good…heart-to-heart with Twilight Sparkle that shows how much she parallels her…

Causes the group to reconcile…

And ultimately saves the day before becoming Twilight Sparkle’s character from the start of the main series.

SUNSET: (Writing) “Dear Princess Twilight…”

Sure this movie shouldn’t have been called “Sunset Rocks”? Heck, look at the promo art. Sunset Shimmer is way in the back. Talk about the biggest bait-and-switch since “the Mandarin”…

See how many obvious influences Megan McCarthy, the biggest “otaku” out of the series writers, was exposed to in the finale as you see…

The Mane Six undergo Japanese-style “Magical Girl” transformations…

Defeat the Dazzlings in a situation virtually identical to the fifth and sixth Evil Exes from “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World”…

And essentially reenact a missing script to a “Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon” movie…

…But, on the plus side, you get a bone thrown to you with less Flash Sentry…

Witness the movie that bronies everywhere slammed, hated, condemned and refused to shell out so much as a single dollar to see in theaters…and then immediately went to pirate it online when they thought no one was looking.

Come on…you know you did. Don’t lie to me.

STARRING…

The Chibi-Usa Character Archetype from every “Sailor Moon” plotline… (Sunset Shimmer)

The Misfits… (The Dazzlings)

Edward Cullen, only as unpopular as the real Edward Cullen should be… (Flash Sentry)

Those one-shot villains from Season One… (Humanized Diamond Dogs)

The characters people wrote in to complain the most about not being in more of the first movie… (Trixie Lulamoon and Derpy Hooves)

Daft Punk… (Rarity’s costume)

Super Pony-Jin Level 2… (The Mane Six transformed at the end)

And Priest Helios’ ultimate form. (The giant magical alicorn)

“MY LITTLE PONY: FR…” UGH, FORGET IT. “RAINBOW ROCKS.” THERE. THAT’S PLENTY.

(Viewing end credits scene)

As much as the idea of Twilight Sparkle as the villain in the third installment intrigues me, the fact that this movie also rips off of the Marvel Movie Universe confirms there’s not an original idea left in it.

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