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(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”.)

From manga author Naoko Takeuchi…creator of…

(Looks up her numerous other failed series.)

…Uh, Sailor…Moon…?

(Man, she’s kind of like the Wachowski Brothers of the manga world in that she had one overwhelming success and nothing but crap since then…)

Comes the manga that inspired that series you used to watch on Toonami because you secretly thought those girls were hot and you needed to kill time until “Dragonball Z” came on…

PRETTY GUARDIAN SAILOR MOON

You’ve seen the five spectacular seasons of the runaway smash hit anime series that made the world far more dangerous for schoolgirls in Japan by spinning off a runaway fetish porn industry…

…What? It did.

Now, for the first time in America, relive the series that was so ridiculously one-dimensional and shallow that the only way they were able to make it into an anime series was by basically making it the “magical schoolgirl animated” version of the Zentai Ranger series…

(Watching one of the Villains-of-the-Week)

…Why hasn’t Nehelina thrown her wand at this guy yet and screamed “make my monster grow”? Wait, wrong series.

Years before the plotline of “Titanic” made women cry and men sick to their stomachs…and the plotline of “Twilight” made women sigh dreamily and men smash in their own heads with a hammer… Relive the original plotline that dumbs down the female’s role in a romantic relationship when the plot is kick started by a magical princess committing suicide because she can’t be with her hunky magical prince…

Ugh…”Romeo and Juliet” gets slammed and this gets a pass?

Flash forward to…um…er…what has to be millions and millions of years in the future in the modern day…

Because there is absolutely no way you had a mystical, magical, world-wide kingdom both on the Earth and the Moon inhabited by advanced humans and have pretty much no trace of it that scientists, archaeologists, geologists, astronomers or paleontologists were ever able to find…

Where the fair, upstanding, and noble Princess Serenity is reborn as Usagi Tsukino, a ditzy, self-centered, lazy, shallow, stupid, boy-obsessed teenage girl.

So, in other words, she’s the definition of 90% of high school students. Starting to see why this series got so popular.

When Luna, a magic talking cat who is in no way related to that magic talking cat from Archie Comic’s “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” series, appears and presents her with an assortment of magical doodads disguised as tacky accessories that look like the crap in the toy aisle at “Walgreens”, she’ll tap into the power of the universe’s greatest MacGuffin, the Legendary Silver Crystal, to become the greatest defender of the world against the forces of evil: Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon!

But…not before she does a great deal of panicking, flailing around, screw ups, and ineptitude that require her to almost always be rescued or bailed out by her numerous friends.

Ugh…Frodo Baggins in “Lord of the Rings” gets slammed and this gets a pass?

Fighting at her side will be the powerful Inner Sailor Senshi…

Sailor Mercury…

Sailor Mars…

Sailor Jupiter…

Sailor Venus…

Four girls who are the reincarnations of the princess’ guardians and friends who each have their own personalities, hopes, dreams, and passions…

…Absolutely none of which matters because they all elect to forfeit them and be eternal virgins in the service of the princess…which is rather rough on them because the princess still gets to get married and raise a family and live out her own desires and so they essentially get to have it rubbed in their faces forever because they’re also made immortal…

Man, John Connor was right in the third Terminator film… “F(Bleep)k my destiny.”

And the enigmatic Tuxedo Mask…the go-to Deus Ex Machina for the series who continuously saved Usagi during the first story arc…

And, in spite of becoming progressively weaker and more useless even after getting his own version of the Legendary Silver Crystal late in the series, remained in that role and shattered the last shred of “girl empowerment” the series might have maintained by having Usagi continuously let her friends and allies get killed by the villains and moan about how weak and helpless she is to do anything about it…but all she needs is a kiss from her “one true love” and a ten second pep talk to immediately blow them away and fix everything with her “Cosmic Reset” wand…

Requiring the author to make one plot device after enough to keep Mamoru from doing that at the start of every “final battle”…in spite of the fact that the manga makes it clear you’re reading a thinly-veiled romance by having about a quarter of the panels devoted to Usagi and Mamoru cuddling and kissing…

Was this series actually popular among guys? Because if it was…damn, the power of Villains-of-the-Week…

Relive the excitement and magic of all five story arcs…

The first one…that featured a mysterious and enigmatic ally who ended up being controlled by the villains, and the nation of Japan being destroyed, forcing Sailor Moon to use the power of the Legendary Silver Crystal to defeat them and save the world…

The second one…that…featured a mysterious and enigmatic ally who ended up being controlled by the villains, and the nation of Japan being destroyed, forcing Sailor Moon to use the power of the Legendary Silver Crystal to defeat them and save the world…

The third one…that…uh…featured a mysterious and enigmatic ally who ended up being controlled by the villains…and…sigh…the nation of Japan being destroyed, forcing Sailor Moon to use the power of the Legendary Silver Crystal to defeat them and save the world…

The fourth one…that- Oh, come on!

Essentially it’s the same plotline four times before the author decided to do the same thing Akira Toriyama did to end “Dragonball” and threw in a villain who killed everyone.

To help distract from the fact that you’re reading the same story repeatedly, the author will include numerous new allies at regular intervals, like…

Sailor Pluto…

Who you’re not quite sure if the author was going for an African descent senshi with that unusually dark skin tone…and was trashed by a “Lawful Stupid” meme when she violated the cosmic order by stopping time to save the known universe…in spite of the fact there wouldn’t have been a universe with a cosmic order to violate if she hadn’t done it…so this really was never a “noble sacrifice” but more like the only thing she could do…

Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune…

Who the author can deny all she wants…but clearly every single scene they have together is not essential to the plot but was only inserted for girl-on-girl action…

Ok, obviously this series WAS popular with the guys…

Sailor Saturn…

Who…it’s kind of unclear if she was ever supposed to be a hero or a villain…

Priest Helios…

Because apparently you can’t have a male character in this series unless he’s a Deus Ex Machina for the real protagonists…

The Sailor Quartet…

Who no one recognized the names of because they don’t pay attention to the names of moons and plantesimals and served to stomp on the last remaining shred of arbitrary “cosmic rules” the series had set up to govern when the various Senshi were allowed to “awaken” and start acting like Senshi by having them pop in during the final arc after “going back to sleep” at the end of the fourth arc…

A couple other Senshi that showed up in the fifth arc but no one cares because they were really only there to give people to “take bullets” for Sailor Moon long enough to defeat Sailor Galaxia since the author had already killed the other Senshi earlier than usual in that arc…

Ugh…”Dragonball” gets slammed for continuously killing and reviving characters and this gets a pass?

And Sailor Chibi Moon.

The most obnoxious and repulsive addition to a cast since “The Brady Bunch” added that one cousin…and who you’re not sure how to feel about because she’s physically underage but internally is older than Yoda…

Stuck being eight years old for all eternity after reaching the point of emotional maturity and physical attraction? Ick…and they say “The Walking Dead” hates its own cast…

They’ll unite to face off against the universe’s greatest villains…

…Actually, no. They’ll face off against the exact same villain five times.

Seriously, they will. The same villain, Chaos, always popped in as a big evil shadow dude at the end of each saga, just in different forms. All those villains from the anime series were always guys/gals who’d get whacked at the last moment and replaced by the big evil shadow dude. Remember that big fight between Queen Beryl and Sailor Moon in the first season? Beryl got whacked off-handedly by Sailor Venus in the manga in about ten seconds.

See the manga that proves that not only male manga writers have diseased minds and discover just how much was filtered out against the author’s wishes…and see for yourself just why a manga that has no blood, no profanity, and less physical action than a Dora the Explorer cartoon is still rated ages 13 and up…

As you explore the most kinky popular series outside of HBO…featuring things like…

Usagi’s rampant bisexuality…

USAGI: (On first seeing Ami) This girl is kind of cute!

USAGI: (After Rei accidentally hit her with a monogram) When it’s a pretty girl, I’m willing to forgive just about anything!

USAGI: (Suggesting a nickname for Makoto) How about Mako-chan? The great, strong cook Mako-chan!

USAGI: (Depressed and dreamy-looking) I want to see Haruka-san and Michiru-san one more time.

LUNA: (Sweatdropping) Whatever happened to Tuxedo Mask, huh?

Cross-dressing…

(The various times Usagi disguised herself as a guy to infiltrate areas.)

Hermaphrodite love…

USAGI: Haruka-san…are you really a man or a woman?

HARUKA: (Moving in to kiss her) Man or woman…does it matter?

Magic sex changes…

(The Sailor Starlights…)

Family units so bizarre even Rosie O’Donnell would raise an eyebrow…

(Sailors Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto living in the same mansion raising Chibi Saturn…)

And…er…rampant incest?!

CHIBI-USA: I want to stay…at Mamo-chan’s place…

CHIBI-USA: (Shooting in before Usagi can kiss Mamoru) Good morning, Mamo-chan!

CHIBI-USA: I want to be a grown-up right now! Then…Then…Mamo-chan will see me as 100% woman, right?

CHIBI-USA: (Kissing Endymion) I finally have you! And I won’t let anyone interfere. You will forever belong to only me!

…I need a shower. Possibly to go to Confession.

Enter a world with a magical kingdom that once was and will be in the future…interwoven throughout history…that continued to expand only until Takeuchi ran out of references to celestial bodies that had ties to mythology that people easily recognized, at which point she had to end the series…

That shows in the future, bishonen will evolve from man…

Which isn’t that surprising considering how everyone in the “modern world” is bishonen. Look at that…everyone is in between 15-20. I think Usagi’s younger brother is just short for his age and he’s one too. Not a single person who’s thirty or the least bit overweight…

Ugh…action movies with nothing but hot chicks get slammed and this gets a pass?

That there will be totally free love and goodness…although people will still be jerks to people for over 900 years as well as ignore people for 900 years so that they can get massive emotional issues…

And makes the entire series a metaphor for the Second Coming of Christ.

…Wait, huh? Seriously?

“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” – Revelation 22:13. (Neo Queen Serenity was born once, died, and was reborn to usher in paradise forever.)

“It was given power to wage war against God’s holy people and to conquer them. And it was given authority over every tribe, people, language and nation. All inhabitants of the earth will worship the beast – all whose names have not been written in the Lamb’s book of life, the Lamb who was slain from the creation of the world.” – Revelation 13:7-8. (Chaos’ various incarnations taking the form of evil queens who deceive people into following them and try to supplant Serenity.)

“And I saw an angel coming down out of heaven, having the key to the Abyss and holding in its hand a great chain. He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil, or Satan, and bound him for a thousand years. He threw him into the Abyss, and locked and sealed it over him, to keep him from deceiving the nations anymore until the thousand years were ended. After that he must be set free for a short time.” – Revelation 20:1-3. (The conclusion of the third arc with Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn locking away Chaos and the fact Serenity’s kingdom enjoys 1,000 years of peace before its old enemy returns.)

“And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.” – Revelation 21:10,11,21. (The appearance of Serenity’s kingdom.)

“Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. The second death has no power over them, and they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with him for a thousand years.” – Revelation 20:6. (The senshi being reborn and instituting the Silver Millennium Kingdom.)

Wow. I knew Takeuchi was advocating free love…but basically turning Jesus into a pansexual bishonen teenager? Does the Vatican know about this?

STARRING…

Schoolgirl Fetish… (Sailor Moon)

Nerd Schoolgirl Fetish… (Sailor Mercury)

Priestess Fetish Combined with Schoolgirl Fetish… (Sailor Mars)

Tall Schoolgirl Fetish… (Sailor Jupiter)

Extremely Hard To Tell Apart From Usagi In Black-And-White Panels… (Sailor Venus)

Baby Doll from the “Batman” Franchise… (Sailor Chibi Moon)

Still a Better-Liked Phantom than Gerard Butler… (Tuxedo Mask)

The Keymaster… (Sailor Pluto)

Opposite Gender Crying Game… (Sailor Uranus)

You Suddenly Like Violinists… (Sailor Neptune)

Death the Cutie… (Sailor Saturn)

Cat Zordon… (Luna)

Cat-Man-Do… (Artemis)

Hello Kiddie… (Diana)

Titans East… (Sailor Quartet)

Three Amigos!… (Sailor Starlights)

Prince Celestia… (Priest Helios)

Jumping the Shark Twice… (Sailor Chibichibi)

Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Serenity Level 10 to the Third Power…or something… (Neo Queen Serenity)

And…the main characters from DISSIDIA. (Sailor Cosmos and Sailor Chaos)

PRETTY GUARDIAN SAILOR MOON!

So, how exactly do Usagi and Mamoru become rulers of Earth after they get married? It’s not like anyone recognizes their kingdom or right-to-rule, or anyone remembers the times they saved the planet. And if they try to declare themselves monarchs/gods, I think the USA would have a problem with that…as well as China…and Iran…and Judeo-Christianity, for that matter…

 

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