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Ah, “The Twilight Zone”…an awesome little series that’s often imitated and never duplicated, it’s a classic even to this day for being a series of quirky little short stories done in the style of various pulp comics dealing with sci-fi/fantasy (or perhaps the pulp comics were done after it… I don’t know, I’m not that old). The series had quite a run and even changed shooting format twice in its history.

If you’re interested in its history, there’s plenty of book reference guides out there that will give you an overview of the entire series. If that’s a little too much for you, there’s online databases devoted to the show that will do the same thing. If that’s still too much for you, there’s Wikipedia which does a decent job. If that’s still too much for you, there’s simply the collection of Rod Sterling’s trademark narration at the end of each episode giving you the “moral”…

And if THAT is STILL too much for you…in a world where meaning, depth, and intrigue has been abandoned for tweets and blog posts such as this one…well then, good news! I present to you each and every episode of “The Twilight Zone” distilled into a single phrase to sum up everything you need to “take home” from each episode of the original series.

Here we go!

SEASON ONE

Episode 1: “Where is Everybody?” – It sucks to be alone.

Episode 2: “One for the Angels” – You can’t cheat Death, except when you can.

Episode 3: “Mr. Denton on Doomsday” – Gunslinging’s only cool in movies.

Episode 4: “The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine” – So that’s what happens to those movie stars who go under the radar…

Episode 5: “Walking Distance” – You can’t change the past, so don’t try.

Episode 6: “Escape Clause” – Don’t make deals with the devil.

Episode 7: “The Lonely” – In case you forgot, it sucks to be alone.

Episode 8: “Time Enough at Last” – Always pack two pairs of glasses.

Episode 9: “Perchance to Dream” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “Inception”!

Episode 10: “Judgment Night” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, Stephen King!

Episode 11: “And When the Sky Was Opened” – Space is as scary as Lovecraft was telling us.

Episode 12: “What You Need” – Don’t be a codependent.

Episode 13: “The Four of Us Are Dying” – Being Mystique from the X-Men isn’t as cool as it looks.

Episode 14: “Third from the Sun” – Nuclear war sucks everywhere.

Episode 15: “I Shot an Arrow into the Air” – NASA can’t track its own spacecraft.

Episode 16: “The Hitch-Hiker” – You’re all dead and you don’t even know it.

Episode 17: “The Fever” – Gambler’s Anonymous exists for a reason, dude.

Episode 18: “The Last Flight” – Everyone gets one last chance.

Episode 19: “The Purple Testament” – Fate bites.

Episode 20: “Elegy” – James Cameron was right about those damn dirty machines.

Episode 21: “Mirror Image” – The Native Americans were right–mirrors do steal your soul!

Episode 22: “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street” – You read too many comic books.

Episode 23: “A World of Difference” – LARPers have it made.

Episode 24: “Long Live Walter Jameson” – Who wants to live forever?

Episode 25: “People Are Alike All Over” – Meta irony!

Episode 26: “Execution” – You do the crime and you’re gonna hang.

Episode 27: “The Big Tall Wish” – Have a little faith in me.

Episode 28: “A Nice Place to Visit” – You can always get what you want…and it’s a living Hell.

Episode 29: “Nightmare as a Child” – Kids see some scary sh’t.

Episode 30: “A Stop at Willoughby” – Suicide is…uh…a…good thing…?

Episode 31: “The Chaser” – Your husband is manipulative and wants to kill you.

Episode 32: “A Passage for Trumpet” – Things aren’t as bad as they seem.

Episode 33: “Mr. Bevis” – No, seriously…things aren’t as bad as they seem.

Episode 34: “The After Hours” – Mannequins are freaky.

Episode 35: “The Mighty Casey” – Cheating!

Episode 36: “A World of His Own” – The Fourth Wall can’t save you.

SEASON TWO

Episode 1: “King Nine Will Not Return” – Survivor guilt sucks.

Episode 2: “The Man in the Bottle” – Be careful what you wis…ACK, I’m Hitler!

Episode 3: “Nervous Man in a Four Dollar Room” – Maybe that doppleganger in “Mirror Image” is the “nice” you.

Episode 4: “A Thing About Machines” – James Cameron was really right about those damn dirty machines.

Episode 5: “The Howling Man” – The greatest trick the devil ever pulled off is convincing the world he didn’t exist.

Episode 6: “Eye of the Beholder” – Don’t hate me ’cause I’m ugly.

Episode 7: “Nick of Time” – Make your own luck.

Episode 8: “The Lateness of the Hour” – Don’t screw up a good thing.

Episode 9: “The Trouble with Templeton” – Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping if off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth…but trust me on the sunscreen.

Episode 10: “A Most Unusual Camera” – Self-fulfilling prophecies are gonna getcha.

Episode 11: “The Night of the Meek” – Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Episode 12: “Dust” – Magic dust is f**kin’ real, man.

Episode 13: “Back There” – You can’t change the past…uh…except when you can, I guess.

Episode 14: “The Whole Truth” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “Liar Liar”!

Episode 15: “The Invaders” – People are alike all over…just bigger.

Episode 16: “A Penny for Your Thoughts” – Telepathy kicks ass.

Episode 17: “Twenty-Two” – “Twilight Zone” steals the occasional plot too.

Episode 18: “The Odyssey of Flight 33” – Sure wish we had taken the train.

Episode 19: “Mr. Dingle, the Strong” – Don’t be a show-off.

Episode 20: “Static” – You can pry my old junk out of my cold, dead fingers.

Episode 21: “The Prime Mover” – Don’t exploit your friends.

Episode 22: “Long Distance Call” – Don’t let your mom talk to your kids.

Episode 23: “A Hundred Yards Over the Rim” – We’ve gotta go back…to the future…er, past!

Episode 24: “The Rip Van Winkle Caper” – Don’t trust those gold dealers on TV.

Episode 25: “The Silence” – You can still lose a rigged bet.

Episode 26: “Shadow Play” – Life is but a dream.

Episode 27: “The Mind and the Matter” – Being a god is overrated.

Episode 28: “Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?” – Trust no one.

Episode 29: “The Obsolete Man” – Close the door behind you; were you born in a barn?

SEASON THREE

Episode 1: “Two” – All you need is love.

Episode 2: “The Arrival” – Nobody’s perfect.

Episode 3: “The Shelter” – Nuclear war still sucks everywhere.

Episode 4: “The Passerby” – You’re still all dead and you don’t even know it.

Episode 5: “A Game of Pool” – They couldn’t come up with a good ending for all of these.

Episode 6: “The Mirror” – Ah, wishful thinking.

Episode 7: “The Grave” – In case you forgot, “Twilight Zone” steals the occasional plot too.

Episode 8: “It’s a Good Life” – That kid from “Lost in Space” is freaky.

Episode 9: “Deaths-Head Revisited” – The Holocaust really sucked.

Episode 10: “The Midnight Sun” – You can have too much of a good thing.

Episode 11: “Still Valley” – Up yours, Satan!

Episode 12: “The Jungle” – Beware the curse!

Episode 13: “Once Upon a Time” – One man’s Hell is another man’s Heaven.

Episode 14: “Five Characters in Search of an Exit” – You’re supposed to play with your toys, so play nice.

Episode 15: “A Quality of Mercy” – The inspiration for “Quantum Leap”.

Episode 16: “Nothing in the Dark” – Death’s not so bad.

Episode 17: “One More Pallbearer” – Death before dishonor.

Episode 18: “Dead Man’s Shoes” – What goes around comes around.

Episode 19: “The Hunt” – Dogs are awesome!

Episode 20: “Showdown with Rance McGrew” – Bad guys need love too.

Episode 21: “Kick the Can” – You’re only as old as you feel.

Episode 22: “A Piano in the House” – Your husband’s an asshole.

Episode 23: “The Last Rites of Jeff Myrtlebank” – Make sure you embalm.

Episode 24: “To Serve Man” – Don’t invite aliens for supper.

Episode 25: “The Fugitive” – That ‘Old Ben”s just a crazy wizard.

Episode 26: “Little Girl Lost” – Holy sh’t, the Twilight Zone is a real place!

Episode 27: “Person or Persons Unknown” – Didn’t they do this already in that one about the actor…?

Episode 28: “The Little People” – A person’s a person, no matter how small.

Episode 29: “Four O’Clock” – Shrink not, lest ye be shrunk.

Episode 30: “Hocus-Pocus and Frisby” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “The Invention of Lying”!

Episode 31: “The Trade-Ins” – In case you forgot, all you need is love.

Episode 32: “The Gift” – We’d kill Jesus if He was born in present time too.

Episode 33: “The Dummy” – Get rid of that dummy.

Episode 34: “Young Man’s Fancy” – Your husband really is a child in a man’s body.

Episode 35: “I Sing the Body Electric” – James Cameron was…apparently wrong about those damn dirty machines.

Episode 36: “Cavender Is Coming” – Didn’t they do this already in that one about the guy with the squirrel…?

Episode 37: “The Changing of the Guard” – It’s a wonderful life.

SEASON FOUR:

Episode 1: “In His Image” – Don’t tamper in God’s domain.

Episode 2: “The Thirty-Fathom Grave” – That one mistake will cost you.

Episode 3: “Valley of the Shadow” – Man is inhuman to man.

Episode 4: “He’s Alive” – Hitler is Sauron.

Episode 5: “Mute” – Eh, maybe telepathy isn’t all that great.

Episode 6: “Death Ship” – People believe what they want to believe…oh, and you’re all dead and you don’t even know it.

Episode 7: “Jess-Belle” – Again, in case you forgot, “Twilight Zone” steals the occasional plot too.

Episode 8: “Miniature” – People really do lose themselves in RP fantasies.

Episode 9: “Printer’s Devil” – The media would sell its soul for a story.

Episode 10: “No Time Like the Past” – Seriously, you haven’t learned you can’t change the past yet?

Episode 11: “The Parallel” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “Sliders”!

Episode 12: “I Dream of Genie” – So you can “wish for more wishes”, in a sense.

Episode 13: “The New Exhibit” – Don’t idolize serial killers.

Episode 14: “Of Late I Think of Cliffordville” – The devil is a troll.

Episode 15: “The Incredible World of Horace Ford” – The good ol’ days weren’t that good.

Episode 16: “On Thursday We Leave for Home” – The enemy of something great is something good…and psychotic.

Episode 17: “Passage on the Lady Anne” – Some cruises that end in death aren’t too bad.

Episode 18: “The Bard” – Those damn ad-execs suck every bit of creativity out of Hollywood.

SEASON FIVE

Episode 1: “In Praise of Pip” – My father, the hero.

Episode 2: “Steel” – You old hunk of junk!

Episode 3: “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” – We still need guns on airplanes.

Episode 4: “A Kind of a Stopwatch” – Get a fob.

Episode 5: “The Last Night of a Jockey” – Think small.

Episode 6: “Living Doll” – Your kids have enough toys.

Episode 7: “The Old Man in the Cave” – Go back to Church.

Episode 8: “Uncle Simon” – Old people suck.

Episode 9: “Probe 7, Over and Out” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “Noah”!

Episode 10: “The 7th is Made Up of Phantoms” – The US Army does war games near historical sites.

Episode 11: “A Short Drink from a Certain Fountain” – Young people suck.

Episode 12: “Ninety Years Without Slumbering” – Feh, that’s just an old wives’ tale.

Episode 13: “Ring-a-Ding-Girl” – …Huh?

Episode 14: “You Drive” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “Christine”!

Episode 15: “The Long Morrow” – “The Gift of the Magi” beat you to it, “Twilight Zone”!

Episode 16: “The Self-Improvement of Salvatore Ross” – Don’t make a bad trade.

Episode 17: “Number 12 Looks Just Like You” – You laugh at me because I’m different…I laugh at you because you’re all the same.

Episode 18: “Black Leather Jackets” – Kick that crummy hoodlum your daughter hangs around to the curb.

Episode 19: “Night Call” – Don’t hang up so quick next time.

Episode 20: “From Agnes–With Love” – “Twilight Zone” beat you to it, “Her”…oh, forget it…

Episode 21: “Spur of the Moment” – Take time to listen to yourself.

Episode 22: “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” – What a rip-off.

Episode 23: “Queen of the Nile” – A hot woman’ll suck the life outta you.

Episode 24: “What’s in the Box” – Turn off that damn TV.

Episode 25: “The Masks” – Avoid weird parties.

Episode 26: “I Am the Night–Color Me Black” – Be excellent to one another…or else.

Episode 27: “Sounds and Silences” – How do these jerks keep getting married on this show?

Episode 28: “Caesar and Me” – Next time I say “get rid of that dummy”, do it!

Episode 29: “The Jeopardy Room” – Let it go to voice mail.

Episode 30: “Stopover in a Quiet Town” – Don’t get drunk at parties.

Episode 31: “The Encounter” – “Moral banned due to calls of Racism”.

Episode 32: “Mr. Garrity and the Graves” – That’s some good snake oil tonic!

Episode 33: “The Brian Center at Whipple’s” – Alright, so James Cameron was right after all.

Episode 34: “Come Wander With Me” – Stay out of the backwoods.

Episode 35: “The Fear” Now the shoe’s on the other foot, ain’t it, aliens?

Episode 36: “The Bewitchin’ Pool” – Seriously, love your kids.

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