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I love “Death Battle”…most of the time. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a series from ScrewAttack that’s also on Youtube that features pitting famous fictional characters against each other in a battle to the death to see who reigns supreme. They include all sorts of fights against iconic characters such as Boba Fett vs. Samus Aran, Batman vs. Spider-Man, Mario vs. Sonic, and (the often controversial) Superman vs. Goku. Some of their fights have left me wanting to declare “bullsh’t” more than once due to bad choices, but there’s a number I’d still like to see pop up on that station before they run out of “good ones”.

I’ve already done a fictional one for Jack Frost vs. Elsa and Alucard vs. D, and ever since the infamous Starscream vs. Rainbow Dash, I wanted to see them throw another pony into the mix, so…here we go!

(Pardon me for not being two people like on the real “Death Battle”…I’ll have to make do the best I can by bantering with myself like a crazy person. :P)

Since the dawn of the table-top RPG, there have been two things that go together like peas in a pod.

Half-orcs and the barbarian class? Halflings and a rogue job?

No…of course I’m talking about nerds and magic. What they lack in brawn, they make up for in brains and mana usage.

Sure, they may be 90-pound weaklings on the outside, but stick a wand in their hands and get ready to spend the rest of your days as a toad.

And the greatest magic-using bookworms in all of fiction, with both the stellar report cards as well as the arsenal to beat the pants off their contemporaries, comes in the fairer sex…

Hermione Granger…one of the greatest students ever to graduate from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry…

And…

Princess Twilight Sparkle…the Princess of Friendship and star pupil to the alicorn goddess Princess Celestia…

We’ll analyze their powers, aptitudes, strengths, and weaknesses to answer the question… Who would win a DEATH BATTLE?

HERMIONE GRANGER

Some parents have children born good at sports…some with learning disabilities…some skilled at math…some with ADD…and some turn out to be magic. The parents of Hermione Granger had lived nice sensible lives as dentists in England until the day their smart little girl turned out to be a witch and accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Damn. All I turned out to have special about me was I could roll my tongue…

Despite being born to “Muggles” (the wizarding world term for non-magic folk), Hermione ended up being a natural at magic. Before even starting her first lesson at school and only reading material she had to pick up for class, she was already mastering spells. And…yeah…don’t try thinking about how in the world her parents were able to get those books when they didn’t have wizard currency and no big half-giant to open the way to Diagon Alley…

eBay, man. You can find anything for sale there. Well, this girl is far braver than I’ll ever be, because where I would have screamed, ran, and hid from the sheer number of books on magic present in that school, she tackled them like a boss. In no time at all, she became the best little egghead ever to attend that homicidal deathtrap of an educational institute. And it sure didn’t help that she made friends with a klutz and the one wizard in the world that every evil wizard wanted to kill.

Good for them, though. While Hermione quickly started excelling in her studies and magic soon after starting at Hogwarts, her lack of social skill and know-it-all attitude soon started to alienate herself from her peers. Yet through a series of mishaps and misunderstandings, she ended up friends with the Boy Who Lived himself, Harry Potter. Ever since then, in the dynamic of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, the brightest little witch this side of the Thames has not only been with Harry and Ron through thick and thin and all the various trials and tribulations they’ve encountered, but she’s definitely been the “brains” of the group; always one step ahead of everyone else, both friend and foe, and applying her talent and intellect to get Harry and Ron out of any jam imaginable, not to mention being crucial to helping him defeat the big bad of the wizarding world himself: Lord Voldemort.

Basic Information:

– One of the smartest students in Hogwarts history

– Member of Griffondor house but nearly Ravenclaw

– Second Generation Order of the Phoenix member

– Founder of H.E.L.F. and S.P.E.W.

– Only one of the three main characters to return to Hogwarts to attain her N.E.W.T.s

– Currently Deputy Head of Department of Magical Law Enforcement

– Married to Ron Weasley with two children

Not just big on brains, but an overachiever too…Hermione Granger is hands down the smartest kid of her class, and probably in Hogwarts history. While she ended up being put in Griffondor with the “other brave students”, she was considered for Ravenclaw where the rest of the nerds go. While she sucks at thinking up good acronyms, she still founded two different organizations to help out the slave-class of the Harry Potter world: the house elves. She helped clean up all those pure-blood favoring laws in her government…and did I mention she’s insanely smart? She once got a 300% on a test! How the hell do you even do that?!

Maybe she used…magic?

…I set myself up for that one.

Yes, yes you did. Also, in spite of constant animosity and butting heads for almost her entire six year tenure at Hogwarts with him, Hermione ended up married to Ron Weasley and had two children as well.

So remember, guys. If that girl keeps telling you how stupid, lazy, and childish you are…it means she likes you!

Skills:

– Genius-level intellect

– Excellent logician

– Constantly thinking ahead

– Uncanny magical proficiency

– Mastery of Unspoken Spells

– Incredible potion-making skills

– Extremely high reading comprehension

– Professional of deciphering magic runes and knowledge of magical creatures

– Excellent at both the Dark Arts and Defense Against the Dark Arts

Hermione may do good in class, but she’s also one student who doesn’t “ace the test but fail in practice”. Her high level of intelligence and almost…well…”magical” magic proficiency means that Hermione can almost instantly learn and use any spell she encounters or reads about. And since her intellect is so high, she instantly retains and recalls every spell she’s ever learned, giving her both an impressive repertoire of magic as well as all of her spells being highly potent; as opposed to weak charms and incantations. Even better is she mastered the ability to cast spells without saying them, so her opponents never know what hit them until she’s already blasting them.

Not only that, but she mixes a mean brew.

Well…yes, she does. Hermione is so skilled that even in her second year of school she was already talented enough to brew an advanced and illegal potion, the Polyjuice Potion, and smart enough to sneak around one of the more powerful and untrusting professors at school, Severus Snape, to get the ingredients for it.

And it doesn’t matter that it took a month to brew, because this witch thinks of everything! Seriously, she does! Hermione always seems to know when her dim-witted buds are going to need something even before they think of it, and she’s already made all the preparations in advance. Heck, she knows more about the wizarding world than most wizards do…and that was after knowing she was a witch for, like, two months!

And since Hermione is so skilled at learning magic, that means she’s learned Dark Arts techniques without actually needing to be taught them. And since she’s not afraid to break into the forbidden sections for some more “light reading”, that means nothing is off limits to her…

Spells:

– Leg-Locker Curse

– Full-Body Bind

– Jelly-Legs Jinx

– Magic Shield

– Summoning Charm

– Confundus Charm

– Disarming Charm

– Stupefying Charm

– Patronus Charm

– Undetectable Extension Charm

– Memory Charm

– Apparation

– Cruciatus Curse

– Imperius Curse

– Instant Death Curse

– Many, MANY more…All of them, basically

Alright, same deal as with Harry Potter… Basically even if she never cast all these spells herself, she could if she wanted to, even the “dirty ones”. Hermione is so smart there’s nothing out of her league. If there’s a funny-sounding Latin-derived name for it, she can do it.

Of course, doing the spell is one thing…making it stick is another. And Hermione is a master at that. While Severus Snape had to concentrate fully to perform a Confundus Charm when he was already a professor at Hogwarts, Hermione could do the same in seconds during her sixth year as a student. Whereas some of the kids were leaving their body parts behind while trying out apparation, Hermione mastered it on the first go. Her memory charms are so strong that even the Imperius Curse can’t break them. Most of the spells Harry Potter himself has mastered were mastered first by Hermione, and are usually done better.

Equipment:

– 12 3/4 vine wood, dragon heartstring wand

– Charmed handbag

– Time-Turner

Also, this girl comes with accessories. Like any well-prepared witch, she needs her trusty wand to help her with all of her spellcasting needs. And she’s got a charmed handbag that makes your D&D Bag-Of-Holding look like an oversized steamer trunk. Mary Poppins ain’t got nothing on that SOB. But best of all, she actually got her hands on a Time-Turner! That’s right, she’s got a badass relic that turns back time! Just give that sucker one turn for every hour you want to go back! What’d she use it for anyway? Stop an assassination? Play the stock market? F*** up history a little?

No, she used it so she could have enough time to take every class being offered at Hogwarts and didn’t have to choose between them.

…NEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

In all seriousness, the Time-Turner can rarely be used for doing any of that cool stuff you mentioned, because you run the risk of messing up the Space-Time Continuum. Basically if she goes back, she can’t let anyone see her in two places at once. That’s bad. That’s Egon Spengler explanation bad.

Weaknesses:

– Slips up in crisis

– Unusual (occasionally questionable) morality

– Perfectionist

– Atychiphobic

– “Insufferable Know-It-All”

– Socially awkward

– Lacks as much character resolve as Harry

Well, on the down side, Hermione’s obsession with learning is…well, just that. An obsession. Not an entirely healthy one either. Because she’s such a perfectionist and aims to be a perfect student, she works herself to the bone sometimes on studying even if she’s already got it down pat. She can’t stand getting a low mark on any kind of test, and since she’s also got a fear of failing tests, that doesn’t make a good case for her nerves.

On the subject of “nerves”, as smart and quick thinking as Hermione is normally, she does slip up from time to time in life-or-death situations, lacking the amount of resolve and bravery that Harry and Ron possess. In her first year when the three of them landed in a patch of Devil Snare, in spite of all of her talent, she forgot she could even use magic for a moment to create light to drive away the plant and it wasn’t until Ron shouted at her that she snapped out of it. In her third year, while Harry and Ron were willing to watch Remus Lupin and Sirius Black kill Peter Pettigrew, she cringed, froze up, and ended up shutting her eyes and covering her ears. In the fifth year, when confronted by centaurs who were planning to kill her and Harry for trespassing, rather than apply her wit to come up with a spell to get them out of it, she began to degenerate into crying. She also was never able to master the Patronus Charm in an actual crisis situation when a Dementor was actually facing her down. Only in trial situations where there was no threat.

And just like her Potions teacher keeps telling her, she really is a know-it-all. We’re talking Brainy Smurf level. Since she’s not very high with social skills, she’s an inadvertent show-off, and she makes lower-performing students feel bad and alienates her classmates and would-be friends. Of course, when you’ve got a face and body like that, who really cares if you-

Thanks, that will be enough. Finally, it should be noted that Hermione, like Harry and Ron, is willing to “break the rules” from time to time in order to do what she perceives as the “greater good”. This usually takes the form of minor things such as sneaking out of her room after hours in order to stop the theft of a Philosopher’s Stone, but occasionally it’s something more severe like stealing necessary ingredients for a potion. In one of her more morally ambiguous moments, she forcefully cast a Memory Charm on her own parents to change their identities and sent them halfway across the planet, feeling she needed to protect them and that they shouldn’t have the memory of ever having a child if she was killed during the Second Wizarding War.

Sheesh, my dad once grounded me for a month for stealing his jar of change. I wonder what she got for that. But scrambling her parents’ brains and fear of getting an A- aside, Hermione’s got the smarts, talent, and beauty to take on any dark wizard, magical monster, or Sudoku puzzle that dares to get in her way.

PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE

In the magical land of Equestria, the realm of the ponies, you’ve got three varieties. Earth ponies stay ground bound and work the soil, pegasi fly in the air and regulate the weather, and unicorns wield magic through their horns. And in the capitol of Canterlot, the future of Equestria changed forever the day that a brainy young purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle took her entrance exam for Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.

Princess Celestia’s School for Gifte…Aw, come on! Rip-off! Anyway…if you thought your entrance exam was weird, hers was to hatch a dragon egg. Heck, I’d do that over those stupid word associations on the SATs, but forget that… After being jolted by Rainbow Dash’s first Sonic Rainboom, she suddenly turned out to have more magic in her than a stadium full of Las Vegas showmen. Professor X…er, Princess Celestia immediately made her a personal student on the spot.

After several years of study with other unicorns, Twilight Sparkle was dispatched to Ponyville under the guise of overseeing the Summer Sun Celebration. In reality, this was Celestia’s way of nudging her to make friends and become the new bearers of the legendary Elements of Harmony and to defeat her corrupted sister Princess Luna under the guise of Nightmare Moon. After doing so, Twilight Sparkle moved to Ponyville full time, but since then has been called on to save Equestria on several occasions with the aid of the friends she made.

And eventually that seemed to pay off in a big way by inducting her not only into royalty but into godhood. But through it all, Twilight is still a bookworm at heart, constantly studying and learning new magic, and using it to bring friendship to Equestria…by resorting to lots of violence to beat the crap out of whatever villain shows up.

Basic Information:

– Princess Celestia’s star pupil

– Originally a unicorn; now one of the only alicorns in existence

– 4th Princess of Equestria

– The Princess of Friendship

– Former bearer of the Magic Element of Harmony

– Four-time savior of Equestria

– Sister-in-Law to Princess Cadance, ruler of the Crystal Empire

– Mentor to Sunset Shimmer

Twilight Sparkle is one of the greatest students Celestia has ever taken under her wing…literally…if not the greatest. From an early age she started to study books of magic on her own time, even before officially starting her studies with the alicorn princess. Since then, her talents have only grown by leaps and bounds, and she continues to study every chance she gets to constantly learn more magic.

I thought she had to learn more about friendship?

Ah, see the title? Friendship is magic.

Somehow I don’t think Einstein ever saw that one coming… Anyway, she’s also quite the celebrity. Apparently she earned enough friendship brownie points to get upgraded to goddess herself in the form of an alicorn. But even that aside, her brother was captain of the royal guard, got married to another alicorn princess, and both of them now rule an magic empire located in the North Pole made of crystal. Damn…wouldn’t you hate to be “Cousin Bob” at one of those family reunions? “Hey Bob. I just defeated an evil goddess and big brother just threw out the first pitch at this world’s version of the Olympics. You got a twenty-five cent raise? That’s…um…nice…”

Twilight Sparkle has been immortalized three times in the windows of the Canterlot Palace, once for her defeat of Nightmare Moon, once for her defeat of Discord, and once for her crowning as a new princess of Equestria. However, that pales in comparison to the fact she has her own castle right in Ponyville. Also, she now has a student of her own in the form of Celestia’s own former star pupil: Sunset Shimmer.

So not only does she save the day instead of the goddess, now she’s even teaching her own students for her. Damn, that’s lazy…

Skills:

– Incredible bookworm

– Exceptional talent at magic

– Embodies “friendship”

– Natural strategist and planner

– Alternative solution thinker

– One of the few ponies that can use technology

– Photographic memory

Well, just like any good nerd…pony or no…Twilight loves to read. So much she actually moved into a library…er…before it got es-ploded. She’s read every book in that library as well as stacks that Princess Celestia has sent to her, and she’s got such a sharp mind she’s actually memorized them. Now she’s moved on to read all the books in their old castle. No library is safe… If that wasn’t enough, she’s one of the few characters in Equestria who actually can build technology…with lights and gizmos and switches and dodads and whatchamacallits and dohickies and thingamajigs…you know what I’m talking about.

Twilight is a natural strategist and planner, possessing exceptional organizational skills. After only walking around for a few hours observing the city-wide event of Winter Wrap Up, she was able to instantly devise an effective plan to make use of everyone in town for maximum efficiency. She was also able to coordinate an even larger group of ponies to “disaster-proof” Equestria on one occasion, and in spite of not being naturally athletic she planned out a strategy overnight to enable her to get fourth place in her first footrace. After only reading up on Ursa Majors for a few hours, she was able to use her existing talents to deal with a rampaging Ursa Minor as well, showing how she’s able to readily apply what talents she has, if limited, to deal with a crisis.

But she’s got plenty of raw talent to spare too. Twilight Sparkle is the best at magic, hands down. And why not? Her special talent is magic. Er…yeah. She’s a unicorn, so isn’t that “duh”?

Oh no, it’s much bigger than that. You see, every unicorn can do magic, but usually they’re confined to one “special talent” they use their magic on. Twilight Sparkle’s talent, however, is magic itself. That means she can instantly replicate any other magic technique by any other unicorn in Equestria.

Well, shoot. She’s like the natural Topper of all unicorns…

Well, even better than that. As noted before, she embodies friendship. And after proving her virtue with it, the Elements of Harmony transformed Twilight Sparkle into an alicorn.

Alicorn Power:

– Earth pony strength

– Pegasus flight and ability

– Unicorn magic

– Alicorn magic

Why settle for one when you can have it all? Now that Twilight’s an alicorn, she’s got the strength of an earth pony as well as the flight of a pegasus. That also means she can manipulate the weather too if she wants…er…though she’s not that good at it. Or the flying part. Or the strength part…well, dangit. She just became three times as awkward, didn’t she?

Well, she’s getting better. But her primary strength came in gaining alicorn magic. Alicorn magic is far stronger than unicorn magic, even for someone like Twilight Sparkle. How much stronger? Well…the closest comparison we have to Twilight Sparkle’s own ability was the legendary unicorn Starswirl the Bearded. Until Celestia and Luna took over being the princesses of Equestria, unicorns had to sacrifice their full magic power daily and nightly to enable the sun and moon to rise in Equestria. Starswirl was the only unicorn able to perform it continuously for most of his life. However, Princess Celestia, an alicorn, was able to raise the sun and the moon herself for a thousand years with apparently no loss of power. So that means Celestia had at least the power of ten Starswirl the Beardeds, but she also was doing it for 1,000 years. Assuming ponies live to be the average age of humans in the USA at around 75 years, that means Princess Celestia has to have the power of at least 134 Starswirl the Beardeds, so Princess Twilight Sparkle should be about 134 times stronger at magic than she was originally.

The friendship is strong with this one…

Spells:

– Mustache Spell

– Levitation Spell

– Want It, Need It Spell

– Memory Spell

– Teleportation Spell

– Gravity Spell

– Copy Form Spell

– Diet-Changing Spell(?)

– Corruption Spell

– Time Spell

– Shield Spell

– Anti-Chaos Spell

– Alicorn Death Beam Spell(?)

– Many, MANY More

In terms of spells that Twilight knows, it ranges anywhere from incredibly useful and badass to something rather inconvenient and…weird. Like her ability to give anyone she wants a mustache… I’m…sure her enemies really hate that one…

Just ’cause you wear the ‘stache doesn’t mean you earned it, bro. But lots of her other spells are still awesome. All unicorns can do your basic trick of levitating things, but she’s able to lift a lot more. She once hoisted a water tower and an Ursa Minor at the same time, which was so big it crushed two-story houses just by walking over them. Her “Want It, Need It” spell is able to take even the strongest-willed pony and give them the mindset of a Justin Bieber fan from three years back as soon as they see whatever object she cast it on, even if it’s a ratty piece of junk. And with her memory spell, she can make even an amnesiac recall a whole lifetime worth of knowledge in a couple seconds. That sure could have come in handy in high school.

As her name implies, Twilight Sparkle’s signature move is her Teleportation Spell, which causes a “twilight flash” of light every time she does it. Even as a unicorn she was able to perform this spell to teleport her from the edge of Equestria, namely near where the dragon migration was occurring, all the way back to Ponyville in the center. Keep in mind the characters are able to ride steam engines to the Crystal Empire, which is about the same distance, and back the same day. Assuming around a two hour one-way trip and average speed, of a passenger steam locomotive, that’s a distance of about 120 to 160 miles. Granted, she had a bit of trouble pulling it off, but she performed it on herself and her friends and now she’s 134 times stronger, meaning she can do it with ease.

Her gravity spell can take anyone she don’t like and fling ’em into the cold, harsh, unforgiving depths of space. Her copy form spell lets her zap anything then herself to turn her into the same species. She’s even able to make critters go against their nature and change their diets with a single blast. Vegetarians would love Twilight Sparkle. If that wasn’t enough, Twilight knows a bit of dark magic herself. She can do a corruption spell based off of dark unicorn King Sombre where her eyes turn red and green, her horn turns purple, and she makes something all icky and nasty or makes you live your worst fear. She’s…a pony…yet she can pull a Sauron on you?

On the upper end, Twilight Sparkle demonstrated she has the power to at least negate Discord’s, a near-omnipotent being of chaos, magic over a very small scale. She can perform shield spells that guard her from magic damage if she can’t teleport out of the way. And, like any alicorn, she can perform a potent magical blast attack similar to a laser or energy/ki blast.

Because nothing says “friendship is magic” like getting your face blown off by an alicorn.

Unfortunately, the Time Spell she once performed is likely not part of her repertoire as she was only able to cast that once. Again, this is hardly an exhaustive list compared to how much magic Twilight has studied and she likely knows countless more spells.

Weaknesses:

– Obsessive-compulsive

– Perfectionist

– Atychiphobic

– Socially awkward

– Mild superiority complex

– Short-tempered

– Unable to gain full power without help

Well, this pony doesn’t come without flaws. She’s got a constant fear of failing tests and the need to be perfect. Plus being a bookworm nerd means she’s got the social skills of a stack of plates, which is kind of strange seeing as she’s supposed to embody friendship. …Why do these weaknesses sound familiar?

Whereas someone like Hermione might fret before a test, however, Twilight Sparkle takes it to a whole new level. She has mild OCD, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She’s obsessed with organization. She makes a checklist of things to do every day, makes a checklist about making the list of things to do every day, and then makes a checklist about that. The thought of the smallest mess-up rapidly makes her degenerate into thinking it will ruin her life and resort to psychotic means to keep it from happening.

She knows she’s Celestia’s star student and shows it off a bit, although she’s not nearly as bad as the last star student of the princess. Still, because she thinks she’s all that, she often doesn’t bother listening to other people. Like the time she got afflicted by Poison Joke she wouldn’t listen to a cure because she had it in her mind the book with it was full of superstitions. She doesn’t even listen to herself…literally! She once went back in time to try and warn herself not to worry about the coming week, but she ranted too much about studying the spell to listen. There’s an episode of Twilight Zone you won’t see anytime soon. Twilight Zone… Ha! I made a funny!

Being OCD, Twilight also often loses her temper more than the rest of her friends, especially when she gets frustrated or can’t understand something as well. But her biggest weakness going into this fight is that she can’t get her full power without the help of her friends.

So although she was once manly…er…ponyly enough to get body-slammed through a mountain and smash a demon centaur 40 times the size of her into the dirt, that was only a one-time deal as she had the power of three more alicorns inside her when it happened. And although her Super Pony-Jin…er…Rainbow Power form is even stronger than that…she needs her best buds to bring that out, and these fights are one-on-one.

But even as a solo alicorn, Twilight Sparkle is one of the most powerful ponies in existence and a princess more than tough enough to give even the greatest magic user a run for their money.

Is that it? Good…because all this reading is putting me to sleep. High School Chemistry all over again… Anyway, let’s see if the wand is mightier than the horn. It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

(Shot opens outside in a natural area along a dirt road in the middle of a sunny day. The shot slowly pans down, revealing a signpost that reads “Ponyville” one way and “London, England” the other. Coming down one lane in full robes and with a book cracked open is Hermione Granger, having her nose stuck in it as she walks along. Coming down the other lane is Princess Twilight Sparkle, her “horn” stuck in a book as she comes along.)

(The two go right up to each other, still reading books, and end up crashing right into one another from not seeing where they were going. Both snap back in alarm, and their books fumble and fall into a mud puddle. Both look down in shock, then snap back up to each other in fury. Both leap back, and Twilight’s wings unfurl while Hermione readies her wand…)

FIGHT!

(Hermione leaps into action first and fires the Cruciatus Curse at Twilight, only for the alicorn to instantly form a magic shield around herself and intercept it. Hermione is surprised, and soon unleashes a bevy of other Curses at her shield, each of which is intercepted. Finally, she shifts to the Disarming Charm and fires it, and this time it penetrates and hits Twilight in the horn. She cries out and staggers back, and quickly Hermione follows up with the Leg-Lock Curse.)

(Suddenly, Twilight finds herself immobilized in place, and reacts in shock. Hermione moves to finish her with the Death Curse…only for her wings to pop out and propel her into the air, causing her to miss. Hermione, seeing her wings are still free, tries to hit her with the Full-Body Bind instead, but Twilight counters with her Anti-Chaos spell to break it up before blasting Hermione with a wavy spell. The witch is confused a moment, before Twilight uses another spell to conjure up a pie and put it in front of her. Hermione lights up on seeing it, and quickly leaps on it to start eating, forgetting about the fight…allowing Twilight to break the curse on her legs and then shoot to the ground and gives her a powerful rear kick with her hooves, knocking her off of her feet and sending her sailing back for a boulder.)

(Hermione is both stunned and in shock, but moments before impact she apparates, and reappears on her feet next to the rock. Twilight rushes in with horn drawn, but Hermione whips out her wand and uses a Stupefying Charm to try and stun her. Seeing it coming, Twilight quickly teleports as well…leaving her also to one side and standing there unharmed. The two, realizing both can teleport, hesitate for a moment and stare at each other.)

(Hermione makes the next first move, preparing another Death Curse, only for Twilight to move faster and shoot her in the face, causing her to grow a thick mustache that covers her mouth, ruining the charm from being completed. The witch is shocked, but the alicorn follows up by casting a Gravity Spell on her, and soon Hermione snaps into the air and is being launched into space. She’s shocked for a moment…before she reaches into her charmed handbag and produces a long length of rope from nowhere, shoots out, and snags the signpost. A moment later, as she’s holding on, she aims her wand at Twilight and casts a Confringo Curse [since the gravity is pulling the mustache out of her face] to send a fireball for her. Gasping, Twilight takes into the air, and breaks the Gravity Spell, allowing her to return to the ground. Hermione quickly produces an electric razor and shaves herself off, but before she can counter Twilight spins back around and hits her with a Control Spell that soon makes her limbs go wild and to start picking her nose with her wand and scratching herself like a dog.)

(Twilight takes aim with a energy beam, but Hermione gets one limb free long enough to yank open her bag and pull out a hand mirror. The beam gets shot off and blasts the mirror by mistake, causing it to bounce back and make Twilight yell out and duck for cover. Again freed, Hermione quickly uses the Imperius Curse while Twilight is stunned and strikes her in the horn. Instantly, Twilight goes rigid and her eyes turn “grayed out”. Hermione, keeping focus, starts gesturing around, and soon Twilight takes to the air, flies around, and smashes her own body through a rock. She does another after that, head first, and soon makes for a third…)

(But before contact can be made, Twilight shakes her head and snaps free, and halts herself. Gritting her teeth in anger, she conjures up what looks like a pony iron maiden, and then hits it with a stream of hearts from the Want It, Need It Spell. Hermione looks at it…and her eyes begin to revolve into hearts…before she yells out the Obscuro Spell to blindfold herself and follows up with a Reducto to obliterate it. Twilight is shocked, and Hermione rips off her blindfold and soon begins to fire more of the same at her, forcing her to launch into the air and quickly duck and dodge to try and avoid the resulting blasts. After a few moments, she springs out her shield again, intercepting the blasts, and counters with more horn energy of her own. Hermione, however, counters with the Protego Charm and soon ducks and runs as well. For a few moments, the two blast each other repeatedly without effect…)

(Finally, Twilight shifts tactics, and instead conjures at the ground and picks up a mass of stones. Soon they go shooting at Hermione like a storm. The witch is shocked. She quickly tries to apparate or obliterate all of them, but in the end she notices Twilight Sparkle is already dive bombing for her. She has to panic “apparate” at the last moment, only to go right into the path of one of the rocks, which smashes into her leg, causing a breaking sound before making her falter.)

(Hermione is forced to take a moment using the Episkey Spell to try and get herself well enough to walk, but Twilight uses the moment to have her eyes flash green and red before she unleashes the Dark Corruption spell on her. Hermione spots this, and quickly uses the Patronus Charm…but it forms an otter only for a fraction of a second before breaking down, the spell goes through it, and strikes her head on. Suddenly, Hermione sees visions of teachers giving her F– grades on all of her work, and she finds herself immobilized, long enough for Twilight to come down and slam her about with her hooves several times. This knocks her out of the illusion, and a good thing too, because Twilight attempts to impale her with her horn and ends up stabbing her through her shoulder instead. She screams in pain, before Twilight Sparkle throws her off into the ground.)

(Bleeding and injured, Hermione is slow to get up, but Twilight Sparkle takes to the sky, gathers power to her horn, and quickly fires off an Alicorn Death Beam at her. As it swells to massive size and comes down upon her, however, Hermione manages to get enough wits to cast a Protego Charm…and the beam slams against a magic shield momentarily…before shooting back up at Twilight. The alicorn is stunned, and soon wraps her wings around herself as she gets blasted by her own magic. Remarkably, in spite of the power, she survives, but her wings get so smashed and she herself gets battered around enough to sink back to the ground.)

(Hermione, trying to follow up, quickly casts a Memory Charm on Twilight Sparkle…and in a blast, the alicorn suddenly goes rigid and immobile, clearly at a loss. Hermione tries to follow up with the Cruciatus Curse yet again…but moments before the spell can hit, Twilight Sparkle’s eyes light up and her life rapidly flashes across them, the result of the Memory Spell. She manages to duck to avoid the curse entirely, and shoots out with her horn to blast again…this time causing Hermione to cry out as her wand is knocked clear from her hand.)

(Her opponent at last helpless, Twilight readies her horn one more time to end the fight, and Hermione gasps in terror for a moment…before she remembers something and quickly goes for her handbag. She thrashes around a moment as Twilight works up the spell, but then comes out with something…the Time-Turner. Flipping it back once as fast as she can…she suddenly is thrown back in time one hour…)

(Now on an empty battlefield, Hermione quickly gets up and limps not to London, but to Ponyville. Once she arrives, she sneaks about until she gets into the Rainbow Castle, goes up to the library, and then rifles through the books found within. Eventually, she finds Twilight’s diary, and quickly breaks it open and reads through it. Getting an idea from what she sees, she quickly leaves, runs out of Ponyville, and then back to the site of the battle, where her wand is going to land. She hides there afterward and waits for time to catch up…)

(Finally, when time returns to the present, she watches herself use the Time-Turner to avoid the blast, but snatches up her wand in response and quickly casts a Summoning Charm out to the Everfree Forest surrounding Ponyville, causing some leaves of Poison Joke to appear in front of her. As Twilight realizes she missed and quickly adjusts her aim, Hermione points her wand at her and uses the Levitating Charm to send the leaves flying at her and smacking into her face.)

(At once, Twilight’s horn gets spotted blue and falls down, removing her magic power. She’s shocked in response, and Hermione immediately casts the Death Curse one last time to blast her head on. She spasms once…then falls over dead.)

(Hermione stands up and gives a fist pump.)

KO!

And Princess Twilight Sparkle heads for that big stable of rainbows and magic in the sky while the rest of her is off to the glue factory…

While both fighters were powerful in their own right, what it ended up coming down to is who was the smarter of the two and knew the better techniques. Hermione is more accustomed to fighting human opponents, and Twilight’s existence alone caught her off guard a lot at start. Twilight, on the other hand, is used to going up against all kinds of species and took to the situation more easily.

Hermione may have gotten an Imperius Curse off on Twilight, but it sure didn’t last long. Not surprising as Griffondors in Harry Potter can resist or even break free from it with a little will power, and Twilight’s definitely got plenty of that. And even if Hermione would have managed to land a Cruciatus Curse, she wouldn’t have been able to do much. Her naturally squeamish side would have kept her from putting the “oomph” in it, as that curse only really works if you want to torture your victim.

Her resolve also cost her big time against the Corruption Spell. Hermione’s Patronus was utterly useless against it, unable to stay in form long enough to protect her, and once stricken by her fears Hermione let Twilight get several free hits on her. Furthermore, Hermione is great at Memory Charms, but Twilight is also great at Memory Spells, so it was useless trying to wipe her mind. Yet all that aside, in the end, Hermione’s cleverness and resourcefulness made up for it.

Twilight’s little death beams have to be concentrated to break mirrors. Otherwise they bounce right off. And Hermione keeps that little hand mirror on her that saved her from that basilisk for emergencies…along with anything else she might need in that bag of hers. Like a rope to keep from going into orbit. Able to bind and heal injuries on herself in a snap too to keep from being crippled. Yeah…but can she make little Disney characters on them? My niece won’t let anyone put a band-aid on her that doesn’t have Elsa on it…

Hermione’s own Protego Charm is superior to Twilight’s shields. While Twilight’s protection only nullifies impacts and curses, the Protego Charm actually repels attacks back to their source. Yet what ended up sinking the victory for Hermione was what she’s best at…research. While she’s too antsy to risk disrupting the space-time continuum with the Time-Turner, Hermione had no problem using it to sneak in some “bonus study time”. Never one to want to deal with an opponent she knows nothing about, she used that hour to sneak out and check in on her opponent’s status, and discovered from her records that Twilight and her friends had once been afflicted by a plant called “Poison Joke”, which ended up negating her horn and messing up her magic. And with her talent, it was nothing to have her use a summoning charm and then afflict her opponent with it, removing her only source of protection and allowing her to finally land the deathblow.

And while Twilight might have been expected to pull the same stunt if she was able, she already used up her one chance to go back in time, and didn’t read about her opponent earlier. While Hermione usually plans ahead, Twilight usually doesn’t read up on anything unless she knows what she’s going to be “tested on” or experiences it first. Her own lack of preparation kept her from being ready for the infamous “Avada kedavra”. No wonder Hermione’s so good with magical creatures. She’ll frickin’ waste them if they dare to cross her.

The winner is…Hermione Granger.

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