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Make no mistake…just because I’m a fan of ONE show that’s rated Y doesn’t mean I can’t stand it when my niece watches every other Y-rated show out there. There are shows that are made for children as the target audience and then there are shows that are made to clearly be comprehended by people at earlier stages of Piaget’s levels of cognition. And, to a degree, that’s all understandable, especially for the educational programming you see on PBS or Nick Jr. What I can’t stand is ones that are so dumbed down for modern problems that it makes someone at my stage of development roll his eyes or gag, and are so obviously contrived you can see what’s coming a mile away.

On that note, I think of Disney’s shameless attempt to cash in on princesses on a regular episodic basis: “Sofia the First”. I actually get a big kick out this one. I used to watch MST3K so I’m used to “riffing” shows and movies, doing it myself quite often. And in a world with shows like “Game of Thrones” making the ideas of royalty/nobility brutal while watching the attempted “Disney Princess” take on handling the modern issue of children from two previous marriages put together in a new marriage? Oh my gosh…the comedic possibilities are endless.

“You never call me dad. I am ‘your highness’ to YOU.”

“Please don’t mind my wife. She was born poor.”

“I need to learn about being a princess! I guess that means I need to start practicing being loved, admired, and rich for no real reason other than my parents giving birth to me and flaunting all of my magical wealth and activities the peasants don’t get to participate in!”

“You keep acting up, Sofia, and I am going to drag out that peasant girl and whip her right in front of you again!”

“Merry Imaginary-Holiday-We-Invented-That’s-Clearly-Christmas-But-We-Can’t-Use-That-Word-For-Fear-Of-Offending-Non-Christians everyone! Seriously, why couldn’t we just say ‘Happy Holidays’ like the rest of the atheists?”

And those are just the ones off the top of my head.

But one of the things that really makes me have to laugh is Sofia’s magic power to seek advice from cameo product tie-ins…I mean, Disney Princesses from time to time. Because as innocent and kind and virtuous as they are, given their experiences, they aren’t always the best to get advice from.

If the show was a bit more realistic, even with regards to Disney, I imagine it would go a little more like this…

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Snow White appears.)

SNOW WHITE: Hello there, Sofia!

SOFIA: Snow White, I need your help! There’s this really, really, really creepy and mean-looking person hanging around mom and dad! I’m worried!

SNOW WHITE: (Giggling) Oh, Sofia…just because someone looks scary and mean doesn’t mean they really are. I always look past appearances to see people for what they are on the inside, not the outside.

SOFIA: But…princess, he says a lot of really strange and scary things like “it would really be too bad if something was to murder…I mean, happen to your children” and “I really love the scent of your wife, your highness”!

SNOW WHITE: (Giggling again) I’m sure that’s just a figure of speech and his attempt to be friendly, Sofia.

(Sofia looks rather uneasy.)

SOFIA: He…also frequently pulls out this blood-stained knife and keeps saying how much “each one squealed for mommy and daddy, then I carved them up too”…

SNOW WHITE: (Giggling again) He’s probably talking about daffodils.

SOFIA: …Daffodils?

SNOW WHITE: Yes! I’m sure when he cut some for a bouquet they made a noise that sounded just like little children being murdered calling for their parents.

(Sofia is rather freaked out and paling at this point.)

SOFIA: He…also has a book…detailing very gruesome plans to use our skin to make a three-button suit…

SNOW WHITE: (Giggling again) He probably just needs a nap!

(Sofia stares blankly. Snow White looks around a bit, and suddenly looks cheerful.)

SNOW WHITE: A hornet’s nest! I bet they’re making honey just for me and won’t mind if I break it open to look for it. See you around, Sofia!

(Snow White disappears, leaving Sofia mortified.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Cinderella appears.)

(Sofia herself looks rather beaten up and haggard.)

CINDERELLA: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: Cinderella, I really need your advice right now. Amber got a bunch of her friends to start calling me names and teasing me-

CINDERELLA: Oh, Sofia…I know it’s sometimes hard to be good-tempered to people when they do bad things to you, but you must never forget to be good and kind to everyone. Even those who don’t always do nice things in return.

SOFIA: …I wasn’t finished. After they did that they started humiliating me publicly by going around telling everyone every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done that Amber knew about-

CINDERELLA: Well, gossip can be a very painful and hurtful thing, Sofia. But you can’t answer evil for evil. You have to just keep on treating everyone the way you want to be treated.

SOFIA: …I still wasn’t finished. Once they ran out of true things, they started making up lies. Some of them were rather horrific and…to be honest…perverted…

CINDERELLA: People can bully people physically or mentally and emotionally. But it’s still important to be the bigger per-

SOFIA: (Cutting her off) Finally they waited until I was asleep and then they tied me up and carried me out of the house to the middle of our family’s forest and stripped me nude…

CINDERELLA: (Pausing) …Some times people grow up in very bad households that twists and turns them into being cruel, and they act out this cruelty to others-

SOFIA: (Cutting her off again) Then they covered me in honey so that the fire ants would all start biting me and then they set my hair on fire before leaving to go home and poison my fjord horse and smear cow manure over everything I owned.

(Silence from Cinderella. She swallows a bit. Sofia keeps staring at her. Finally, Cinderella moistens her lips.)

CINDERELLA: …Do unto others as-

SOFIA: (Exasperated) Oh, come on! Are you kidding? Why don’t they change the name from Stockholm Syndrome to Cinderella Syndrome?

CINDERELLA: Just do what I do. Keep being good and kind and one day a Fairy Godmother and all those mice you’ve been training to be your private cult will get you to marry a handsome prince and make you live happily ever after.

SOFIA: I don’t have a fairy godmother, I don’t train mice, and I’m 8!

CINDERELLA: Oh. (Pause) Then I’ve got nothing but the Golden Rule. Good bye!

(Cinderella vanishes and Sofia groans.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Aurora appears.)

AURORA: Hello Sofia!

SOFIA: Princess Aurora, I don’t know what to do. James stayed up all night practicing so he could help his team win a baseball game and didn’t study for his history test. So he’s asking me to show him the answers. If I don’t, all of hard work will have been for nothing because he’ll get banned from the team when he fails, but if I do help him, that’s cheating. And if I get caught we’ll both be in trouble. What should I do?

(Aurora stares back with a vacant smile. A bird suddenly flutters by. She giggles at it.)

AURORA: Pretty bird.

(Sofia blinks.)

SOFIA: That…wasn’t much of an answer.

(The bird lands and sings. Aurora laughs.)

AURORA: Isn’t that lovely?

SOFIA: I…uh…guess. But what about my problem? Should I help James cheat or tell him I can’t do it? What if he never talks to me again after that? What if his team loses without him?

(Aurora looks to the ground and laughs.)

AURORA: What lovely flowers!

SOFIA: …Are you listening at all? Hello? Moral dilemma about cheating?

(Aurora merely begins to hum “Once Upon a Dream” to herself, before Maleficent in the form at the end of the live-action film suddenly pops into the image from the side and walks up to her, holding out a toy golden spinning wheel.)

MALEFICENT: Aurora, go play with this.

(The princess laughs in delight as she takes the spinning wheel and runs out of the image as Maleficent sighs and looks to Sofia…shocking the young princess.)

MALEFICENT: Tell James that there are more important things in life than winning baseball games, such as being a man of integrity and not jeopardizing your loved ones for the sake of a short-term gain, and that becoming an upstanding young man means you own up to your mistakes regardless of the consequences.

(Sofia stares in open-mouthed shock.)

SOFIA: Are you…Maleficent? You look…um…less green and…more angelic. What happened to you?

MALEFICENT: Someone took the most memorable character from a film and made them a protagonist at the price of destroying her character, that’s what. By the way, I don’t envy your next lesson with Fauna, Flora, and Merryweather. You have my sympathies trying to learn from what they turned them into. Good day.

(Maleficent vanishes in a spurt of green fire.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Tiana appears.)

TIANA: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: (Looking a bit unhappy) Hello, Tiana. I’ve got a problem…

TIANA: Oh? What is it?

SOFIA: Most of the servants are on holiday this week, so mom is telling me I have to help out by cleaning my room. That was fine back when I was living in town, but I’m a princess now. I thought I wouldn’t have to do “maid” work anymore… I’ll be inside most of the day cleaning it up.

TIANA: Now, Sofia. Just because you’re a princess doesn’t mean you can’t do some cleaning every once in a while. Every so often, I have to take off my dress, put on an apron, get down on my hands and knees, and do some “maid” work, you know. I might spend all day scrubbing the floors and cleaning the bathroom and-

(Suddenly cuts herself off, realizing what she’s saying.)

TIANA: Hold on… (Suddenly gives Sofia a critical look) …Did you set me up for that?

(Sofia looks innocent and confused.)

SOFIA: Set up for what?

TIANA: Did you bring me out here just to get me talking about “maid’s work”?

SOFIA: (Confused) No…I just brought out my pendant and needed help, and you came out. My pendant decides who shows up, not me.

(Tiana gives her a long, hard look.)

TIANA: Uh…huh. (Silence) …Just do your chores. Bye.

SOFIA: Wait, did I do something to make you ang-

(Tiana disappears before she can finish, leaving her looking more confused.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Ariel appears.)

ARIEL: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: Princess Ariel, I’m in real trouble. I was playing around Mr. Cedric’s workshop like I wasn’t supposed to, and I accidentally knocked his entire jar of Powdered Troll Hair into the fireplace and burned it all up. That’s his most valuable ingredient he keeps in his collection! You can only get it by going to the Terrible Troll Tunnel and no one’s allowed to go there because they eat people whole! The thing is I was playing with Clover, and if he hadn’t run one way I wouldn’t have thrown a ball the other way and knocked it over into the fireplace in the first place…but it really was my fault to begin with that we were even in the workshop, and Mr. Cedric warned me not to play around in it… Oh…what should I do?

ARIEL: Sofia…I think you already know full well what you need to do.

SOFIA: (Looking anxious) Tell Mr. Cedric what I did and say I’m really sorry about it before he blames Clover?

ARIEL: (Blinking in confusion) What? Of course not! You need to go into that Terrible Troll Tunnel, find some trolls, and steal some of their hair to replace what you burned up.

SOFIA: (Stunned) Um…Princess Ariel, those trolls eat full grown people whole and I’m just a little girl…

ARIEL: That’ll make it easier to sneak by them! Come on! Where’s your sense of adventure?

SOFIA: But…but mom and dad told me never to go anywhere near that tunnel…

ARIEL: (Frowning) Oh, don’t listen to them. Your parents sound real curmudgeony. Like they’re always trying to control you…tell you where to go and what to do…completely order your life around when you’re not a child…

SOFIA: …Actually I am.

ARIEL: (Ignoring this) My daddy was always trying to tell me to do all sorts of things, ordering me around all the time and claiming it was for my own good… (Adopting a mocking tone of King Triton) “Ariel, you are never to go rooting around in sunken human ships!” “Ariel, you are not to go wandering into waters infested with giant squid!” “Ariel, you stay away from those fishermen who were talking about cutting up a mermaid’s corpse and selling her body parts as aphrodesiacs on the black market!” Blah, blah! Daddy was always trying to keep me from doing anything fun or adventurous or exciting…like leaving my family forever to live with my first crush…or getting pregnant at 16 with my first child…or selling my soul to a witch… But things worked out each and every time! I always had a friend or loved one willing to sacrifice themselves for me! And I’m sure you do too, Sofia.

(She leans over and pats her on the head.)

ARIEL: You just bring your friends Jade and Violet along. And if any big mean troll comes out, you run while he gnaws on their corpses. He won’t be able to chase you as quickly with two girls on his stomach giving him a sideache. Have a great day!

(Ariel vanishes. Sofia looks mortified.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Belle appears.)

BELLE: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: Belle, I’m really nervous. My family is wanting to go on this month long trip in a far away land boating down a river through this wild and dangerous jungle. I’m scared… There’s all sorts of creatures in that jungle. And it’s so far away with so many strange people…

BELLE: It’s perfectly understandable to be scared of new places, people, and things, Sofia. But you have to keep in mind that there is a great and wondrous world out there filled with amazing delights and incredible things. This world has so many incredible things to offer. If you try to spend your whole life “playing it safe”, you may end up being safer, but you’ll miss out on everything that’s there. You have a lot of potential in you, Sofia, to go wherever you want to go and be whoever you want to be. But you have to want to take it for yourself. A miller who spends his whole life just tending his mill will never see anything but donkeys and grain. A milkmaid who spends her whole life just milking her cows will never see anything but stools and a pail.

(Sofia seems to realize what’s being said, and slowly nods.)

SOFIA: And I guess even a princess who does nothing but stay in her castle will never see anything but the same old-

(Belle looks up.)

BELLE: Wait…you’re a princess?

(Sofia looks up, but then nods.)

BELLE: (Laughing) Oh, then why didn’t you say so? Forget all that. Stay at home, lounge out on big comfy pillows, have your servants bring you a few trays of chocolate, and if you get too bored order the staff to perform a musical number for you.

(The young princess looks confused.)

SOFIA: What? But what about the great big world? Adventure? Becoming whoever I want to be?

BELLE: (Laughing again) Please…that’s only for poor people who don’t marry into rich nobility. Once you’re set for life, who cares about any of that? If you want adventure, go read a book. That’s what I do and that’s why they were invented. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go use my magic hand mirror to see what all those French peasants who won’t stop talking about ‘revolution’ this and ‘behead the aristocracy’ that are up to…

(Belle disappears while Sofia frowns.)

(Sofia, while standing in a wintry, snow-covered landscape, brings out her pendant, and Jasmine appears.)

JASMINE: (While immediately shivering and rubbing her arms fiercely.) Hello S-S-Sofia…

(Sofia is very confused.)

SOFIA: …Princess Jasmine? It’s you this time? This doesn’t make any sense. It’s the middle of winter. First it was Aurora, then it was Tiana, and now you? Shouldn’t it be Queen Elsa or Princess Anna?

(Jasmine blows on her hands.)

JASMINE: Listen…you want Elsa out of that, you’re going to need a different pendant that works for Disney Queens, and then I hope you like getting your advice from Grimhilde, the Queen of Hearts, and Rapunzel’s unnamed mother. And don’t plan on seeing Anna come out of that thing until her stand-alone revenue drops off enough to where they stick her in with us for more merchandising. Now hurry up with your question. These clothes I wear in my palace are pretty much veils and I’m losing feeling in my toes…

SOFIA: Oh! Right, right… You see, me and my family are meeting a king and his family in another country far to the north, and their prince is a real bully. He’s always pushing James around and calling me and Amber names. He’s really stuck up too. I can’t stand him.

JASMINE: (Stamping her feet) Alright, here’s what you need to do. Tell your dad you want to invite him for a private visit back in Enchancia.

SOFIA: (Nodding) Uh-huh.

JASMINE: Set yourself up in the royal garden when he gets there, looking all nice and done up and pretty.

SOFIA: Yeah.

JASMINE: Ask the servants to send him in that way.

SOFIA: Yeah.

JASMINE: And then…have your pet tiger rip his throat out.

SOFIA: (Shocked) What?!

JASMINE: (Shrugging as she rubs her hands together) Well, that’s how I took care of annoying princes. I could always claim Rajah got away from me or the prince made a pass on me.

SOFIA: I can’t do that! Besides…I don’t own a tiger!

JASMINE: Oh? Well…command your elephant to sit on him, then.

SOFIA: (Horrified) I don’t own an elephant!

JASMINE: (Puzzled) Er…your flamingos to peck his eyes out?

SOFIA: I don’t own flamingos!

JASMINE: (Sighing) What do you have?

SOFIA: A rabbit and a bluebird!

JASMINE: (Snorting) Well, you’re just plain thinking too small. Here you have a pendant that can talk to animals and you confine yourself to a rabbit and a bluebird. How about a nile crocodile? You can have him balance suitors on his snout and not eat them until you say-

OLD MAN (O.S.): Jasmine!

(Both princesses look up and turn, and the Sultan suddenly runs into the enchanted image with an angry look.)

SULTAN: Jasmine! What in the world are you doing showing yourself in public without your head covered? You shameless harlot! You’ll get ten lashes minus one for this!

(Grabbing her by the hand, he begins to drag her off. Jasmine rolls her eyes and looks to Sofia.)

JASMINE: How’s this for advice? Don’t be born a woman in an Islamic culture.

(She’s soon dragged off and Sofia is left more confused than ever.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Eilonwy appears.)

EILONWY: Hello, Sofia.

(Sofia stares back and blinks.)

SOFIA: Oh…I’m sorry, something must be messing up my pendant… Usually a princess appears.

EILONWY: Um…I am a princess, Sofia.

SOFIA: …I mean a Disney princess.

EILONWY: I know…and I am a Disney Princess. Princess Eilonwy.

(Sofia stares back blankly.)

EILONWY: …From “The Black Cauldron”.

(Sofia keeps staring.)

EILONWY: …Came out in 1985? On home video in ’98?

(Stares.)

EILONWY: Story about a boy and his friends trying to keep a Horned King from destroying the world with a Black Cauldron? Adapted loosely from Lloyd Alexander’s work? First PG animation Disney ever did?

(Still nothing. Eilonwy sighs.)

EILONWY: …I tried. Back into the Disney vault with me, I guess…

(She disappears.)

SOFIA: …Maybe she was one of Amber’s friends…

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and a rather sick-looking, coughing, and a miserable-looking Native American man appears.)

NATIVE AMERICAN: (After wretching) …Yes?

(Sofia is very puzzled.)

SOFIA: Um…er…I think my pendant got…a wrong number or something… Can I ask where you’re at?

NATIVE AMERICAN: The tribe of Tsenacommacah. The white people who look like you call it “Virginia”, however.

SOFIA: (Lighting up) Oh! That that means I must be trying to get ahold of Pocahontas! Can you get her?

(On hearing that name, the Native American’s eyes go wide…before he begins to seethe with rage in spite of his illness.)

NATIVE AMERICAN: My people…do not speak of that demon woman… Not now…not ever again.

(Sofia is stunned.)

SOFIA: But…but she’s your princess, isn’t she? She helped bring unity to your people and the English?

NATIVE AMERICAN: (Growing more enraged) If by “bring unity” you mean opened the possibility of my people being used as part of the English slave trade and addicted our young men to alcohol, then yes…she helped bring unity.

(He coughs rather loudly again, as Sofia grows more nervous.)

SOFIA: But…but…at least, according to our version of history, she remembered her heritage after going to England and decided to return to her homeland and the wide-open free country of the New World…

NATIVE AMERICAN: (In spite of weakness, shouting) …But not before she became a carrier for the smallpox virus and brought it back with her to start wiping out our tribe left and right! What do you think this is? A cold?! At least in real-world history she died before she had a chance to spread anything to us! Do you have anything useful to say other than reminding me of the inevitable genocide of my entire people?!

(Sofia cringes a bit and recoils.)

SOFIA: Uh…er…well…I was going to ask for pointers on winning at lacrosse, but…instead I’ll just say…um… (She looks up and tries to smile) Er…get well soon?

(The Native American suddenly spasms, gives a death gasp, and falls over dead. Sofia stares blankly at the corpse for a moment, as if waiting for it to fade out, but when it doesn’t she looks around, turns, and walks away as nonchalantly as she can.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Tiana appears.)

TIANA: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: Tiana, this is unfair. All I did was accidentally spill some of Flora’s special plant food in magical agriculture class today, and now look what she’s making me do! I have to go all up and down her rows of magic cotton plants and pick each one of them before sundown or I get detention! What can I do?

(Tiana’s face immediately turns as grim as a tombstone.)

TIANA: …Seriously? This is what your pendant brings me out here for? Oh no! Don’t ask me any question related to being an entrepreneur. Don’t ask me about what it means to make a huge personal sacrifice for a friend. Oh no, not that! All the white princesses can handle that stuff! No…summon Tiana to help out with picking cotton! You’ve got to be… Really?! Picking cotton?!

(Sofia is cringing at this point while Tiana is struggling to contain herself. She nearly lashes out at the girl, but finally points a finger.)

TIANA: You tell your dad to get that damn thing fixed or polished or glued or whatever!

(She vanishes again. Not risking summoning her again, Sofia turns to go about her chore.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Fa Mulan appears.)

MULAN: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: Hello M…wait, are you really a princess?

MULAN: According to Disney I am. What do you need?

SOFIA: James is trying out boxing with his friends. I wanted to try it myself, but they all just laughed at me, saying I can’t do it because I’m a girl. I tried to say I’m tough enough to do it with the rest of them, but none of them believed me.

(Mulan crouches.)

MULAN: Don’t let it get to you, Sofia. You can do whatever you set your heart and mind to, so long as you have the courage and strength to rise to any challenge. Now…who’s the biggest and strongest out of all of James’ friends?

SOFIA: (Thinking a moment) I think that’d be Thomas.

MULAN: Alright. You’re going to challenge him to a match.

SOFIA: But he’s the biggest and strongest! I want to box, but I know I can’t beat him!

MULAN: Don’t worry. Just do it. Say you’ll beat him tomorrow. Then, the next day, both of you show up to the ring. And right before the fight begins, offer him a glass of water as a show of good sportsmanship and tell him may the best boxer win and that you both need to focus on just having fun. (She smiles) …And when he agrees, slip a bit of horse tranquilizer into the water before you hand it over.

SOFIA: …Say what?

MULAN: And stick some pine tar on the bottom of your shoes too so you keep your footing better than him.

(Sofia is stunned.)

SOFIA: Wait…what?

MULAN: Oh, and where are your gloves? I think I have some horseshoes around here that will fit right in with your tiny hands…

SOFIA: Mulan…you want me to cheat?

MULAN: I don’t think of it as cheating. I think of it as women finding a more efficient way to do things. People may think it’s a bit of a cop-out that I take out most of an army with an avalanche, for example…but the 500,000 soldiers who got to go home to see their families without so much as a scratch didn’t complain, did they?

SOFIA: I…I guess so. But I thought you were all about upholding personal honor?

(Mulan’s face flashes to rage.)

MULAN: That would be the Japanese. I am Chinese…AND I DESPISE THE GODDAMN JAPS!

(She vanishes in a puff as Sofia runs crying out in fright.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Rapunzel appears.)

RAPUNZEL: Hello Sofia.

SOFIA: Rapunzel, you have to help me! Clover’s gone and I don’t know where to find him!

(Rapunzel crouches down.)

RAPUNZEL: Alright, alright…calm down, Sofia. Now let’s go through this very calmly and slowly. Where did you see him last?

SOFIA: Yesterday! Right after we got back to the castle!

RAPUNZEL: What’s the last thing he said to you?

SOFIA: He said “Alright, fine. I won’t touch those big juicy tasty thistles. See you tomorrow, Sophia.”

RAPUNZEL: Thistles?

SOFIA: Yes. He saw them a little while earlier when we were hiking through the enchanted forest. We came to a deep stream and on the other side were these really big magic thistles. Clover really wanted to grab them and take them back to his burrow, saying they were really tasty. But he wanted to go across this wet rotten log to get to them, and I said it was too dangerous and to leave them alone.

RAPUNZEL: Anything else?

SOFIA: (Thinking) Well…when I went by his burrow this morning, I saw some thistle leaves that looked like they came from those thistles I saw…and there were muddy pawprints that looked like river silt… But I looked near the river and I didn’t see him.

RAPUNZEL: Was there any place else near that river site he could have gone?

SOFIA: (Pausing again to think) You know…there was this big hole in the rotten log that I think is just big enough for Clover to go in, but not to come out again…and I saw a muddy track on one side of it but not the other…

(Rapunzel stares a moment silently at Sofia…then leans back and sighs in exasperation.)

RAPUNZEL: I give up! This mystery is totally unsolvable! It’s worse than the riddle of the Sphinx! It has no rhyme or reason to it at all! Trying to discover who Jack the Ripper was is nothing compared to this! (Looking back down) You might as well get a new rabbit, Sofia. He’s gone. Gone forever. There’s no one on Earth who could possibly track him-

(She cuts herself off as she spots something.)

RAPUNZEL: Wait…that blade of grass…

(Sofia looks to where she’s looking…and sees an entire lawn.)

SOFIA: Uh…what blade?

RAPUNZEL: That one! Right there!

SOFIA: There’s…a lot of them…

RAPUNZEL: The 50,611th from the left! It’s slightly bent! And it wasn’t yesterday!

SOFIA: (Highly confused) Um…ok…

RAPUNZEL: (Looking to her) Don’t you see? The only thing that could have bent that blade of grass is a somewhat plump gray rabbit headed to the river to cross a wet log trying to get his favorite thistles who slipped, fell, and landed in a hole in the log and is now stuck and can’t get out! That’s where you’ll find Clover!

(Sofia hesitates momentarily, thinking all of this over, and soon only looks more confused.)

SOFIA: That…makes sense, but…you got all of that from the grass and not my explanation?

RAPUNZEL: (Excitedly) Yes!

SOFIA: …Well, um…I guess I shouldn’t question it. Thank you, Rapunzel.

(Rapunzel blinks vacantly for a moment.)

RAPUNZEL: …Thanks for what?

(She disappears. Sofia, rather confused, and staring at the patch of grass, shakes her head as she walks out to the river.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Merida appears.)

MERIDA: Oy, Sofia.

(Sofia opens her mouth to ask her question, when suddenly a shadow falls over her. She turns and looks and sees several executives behind her.)

EXECUTIVE #1: Just a minute. Princess Sofia, I’m sorry, but you can’t ask Princess Merida for any advice.

SOFIA: Huh?

(Merida’s brow creases.)

MERIDA: O’, issat so? An’ why not?

(Executive reaches into his suitcoat and pulls out a legal document.)

EXECUTIVE #1: Well, according to our attorneys and Pixar’s, we’re re-evaluating whether or not you’re an actual Disney Princess. Especially after there was a dispute over how you were redrawn…

MERIDA: (Stunned) What the…? Of course there was ah dispute! Ya gave me paps the size of ale tankards! An’ why shouldn’ ay be a’ princess?

EXECUTIVE #1: (Looking over the document) Well…you don’t sing…you don’t have a love interest…and you’re the most flaming stereotype in the entire lineup. Considering this lineup includes Snow White and Aurora, that’s really saying something.

(Sofia is getting more confused, but soon gets more antsy as Merida clenches her teeth.)

MERIDA: Why ya’ overstuffed goat gizzard! Call me a flamin’ stereotype, will ya’? Well how’s about ah just re-enact ah wee bit o’ Mel Gibson on ya’, ya’ big horse’s ass? Er better yet! (Snaps out her bow and knocks an arrow, causing the first one to drop his paper and the other executives to recoil in shock) How ’bout ah show ya’ three lily-livered wallopers that Orlando bloody Bloom ain’t got toley on me!

(The executives gasp and then turn to run for it, while Merida jumps out of her “golden aura” and gives chase, firing arrow after arrow at them. Sofia only gazes in shock as she hears her rant and rave off screen.)

MERIDA (O.S.): Stank dogger! Minger! Feartie! Bauchle! That’s ah sin! Scottish insult! Scottish insult! Haggis! Kilt! Ken! Sayin’ “me” instead o’ “my”! Dilithium Crystal! Admiral, there be whales in here! Blarney Stone…No wait, that one’s Irish! DID AH MENTION AH’M SCOTTISH YET?!

(Sounds of flesh being rent start going out, and Sofia covers her eyes in traumatized horror.)

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Elena appears.)

ELENA: Hello, Sofia.

SOFIA: H… (Trails off, looking confused) Who are you?

(Elena looks a bit uncomfortable, but forces a smile.)

ELENA: Heh…wh-what are you talking about, Sofia? I’m Princess Elena. You know!

SOFIA: (Still confused) Who’s Princess Elena?

(Elena swallows, and tries to look more casual.)

ELENA: You know! Princess Elena! Everyone knows Princess Elena! The first Latino…I’m sorry, Latino-inspired princess ever? Who’s intelligent, fun, kind and compassionate? Who’s totally original…even…if she kind of looks like Princess Jasmine put on a red dress and redid her hair?

(Sofia still gives her a look.)

SOFIA: I…think my pendant is busted…

ELENA: (Angry) Your pendant is fine! (Quickly calms) I mean…your pendant is fine, Sofia! Stop kidding around! It’s me! Princess Elena! Beloved newest princess! Shows all the little boys and girls of the world all the wonderful things about Latino culture…only extremely sanitized so that I can’t get into any of the religious aspects of society or say things like “La Navidad”…not to mention the fact I don’t really correspond to one culture in particular but I’m essentially the melting pot of what all Americans think Latin American is like…but that’s alright because I’m a princess! And we can still do lots of fun things that stand out about Latino culture! Like…uh…

(Reaches into her pocket and pulls out a paper with pre-approved activities, and reads them over.)

ELENA: “Have a fiesta…” “Eat guacamole…” “Hit a pinata…” (Gritting her teeth) Are you kidding me? Why not just put me in a sombrero and have me jump around like Speedy Gonzales while I’m at it?!

(Sofia is still staring, so she groans and crumples up the list, throwing it away.)

ELENA: Forget it. Call me again about a month after they add me to the merchandise, alright?

(Disappears. Sofia stares at where she was. Finally, she gives a shrug.)

SOFIA: Maybe she’ll turn white between now and then like did…

(Sofia brings out her pendant, and Tiana appears…somewhat sore-looking.)

TIANA: (As if she knows she’ll regret this) …Hello, Sofia.

SOFIA: Tiana, thank goodness you’re here! I’ve got all this fried chicken and cornbread and I don’t know what to-

TIANA: (Losing it) GIVE ME THAT GODDAMN PENDANT!

(She immediately lunges at Sofia, rips the pendant off of her neck, slams it on the ground, and stomps on it repeatedly until it’s completely shattered into dust, and then disappears. Sofia is left standing half-cringing at the remains of her prized possession. She stand still for a long time, and finally swallows.)

SOFIA: (Weakly calling out) …Mom? Can I ask you for advice for once?

THE END

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