Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube, although the “Honest Game Trailers” are on Smoosh Games. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”. They’re both on Youtube.)

From RARE, the defunct British Video Game company that would make one of the most fun video games of all time in three years (“Donkey Kong County”), one of the best movie adaptation video games in six years (“Goldeneye 007”) and one of the most obscene video games of all time in ten years (“Conker’s Bad Fur Day”), comes the ten-year-old gamer version of getting your ass raped…

“BATTLETOADS”

The year is 1991, and anything with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on it will sell…and I do mean ANYTHING…

Watch as Rare attempts to cash in on this phase with a trio of shameless knock-offs named after facial blemishes journeying a world so random and inconsistent they must have been doing the same shrooms the developers of “Super Mario Bros.” were on…

Bad guy is a dark queen who runs an army of psychotic pigs and rats…who hides out in a crater that goes through a flesh tunnel…and an ice cave…to a bunch of giant snake holes…and an underground surfing canal…with a giant hypnodisk chasing you on a suction-cup unicycle… And you’re mutant toads who get ordered around by Howard the Duck’s grandfather to stop them… (Sharp inhale) Aw man…I have no idea what’s going on…

Join Zits and Rash, the BATTLETOADS, an extreme alien fighting force with “Liquid Metal Terminator” syndrome spontaneously causing their fists to enlarge, their feet to morph into boots, and horns to sprout from their heads…

As they attempt to save Princess MacGuffin…er, Princess Angelica…no wait, Princess MacGuffin is more appropriate…

From the clutches of the Dark Queen, an 11 foot tall dominatrix with a fetish for vermin.

They’ll travel to her lair on the aptly named Ragnarok’s World…

In that the world will come to an end before you’re able to get through all 13 stages of it…

And use their incredible fighting skills and amazing super powers…for the first stage. Then they’ll realize pretty much the only thing they need to do is keep using the “Battletoad Butt”, which in spite of its naughty name works on everything in the game, including every boss…

And take on the entire host of the Dark Queen’s nefarious alien army…

For. FIVE. MINUTES!

The rest of the time you’ll be put through a perfect-timing, high-reaction speed deathtrap version of Double Dare on a world full of split-second button mashing levels…

…NONE of which you will ever see, because you will NEVER get past the f***ing Turbo Tunnel.

Damnit! This stupid Return-of-the-Jedi bike just fell right through that giant scab platform! AGAIN!

So save up your money and go on eBay to buy a working Game Genie and cut to the other levels past that…and start asking yourself why the hell you even have a life bar as you’ll run into one opportunity after another to die instantly doing such things as…

Run up giant snakes surrounding spikes…

Do the Turbo Tunnel thing again, this time through underground rapids…

Race a giant rat to bombs…

Run for your life from a heat-seeking Indiana Jones death sphere…

Try not to fall to your death up a rotating tower…

And be stupid enough to try playing the game with two people.

Dude! You knocked me into a pit! AGAIN! What the…?! You’re the one who died and have to restart that stupid obstacle course again?!

Embrace your inner sadist and play a game that not only hates you but murdered your children and made you sit at a dinner table and eat their remains as you try not to break your console over features such as…

Only getting five lives…

Warps that are impossible to get to and go NOWHERE…

These stupid green f***tards who steal what little energy you have and are impossible to hit…

Getting taunted by the final boss worse than Shao Khan after every level…

And, like all 3rd Generation Games, a sh’tty-ass ending.

…I finally won, and yet I feel so…hollow. AND WHY THE HELL COULDN’T THAT SHIP HAVE DROPPED ME OFF AT THE FINAL LEVEL TO BEGIN WITH?!

STARRING…

An Angry Bird… (Professor T. Fowl)

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark… (Dark Queen)

Hentai Fetish Man… (Robo-Manus)

Aw, Rats… (Big Blag)

Mr. Bighead… (Pimple)

AND…Genghis Khan and Napoleon Bonaparte from the Ninja Turtle Franchise! (Zits and Rash)

BATTLE-TROLLED!

Let’s see… Huh? “One of the most fun platformers of all time”? We actually said that about this?! Damn…gamers are lightweights nowadays…

 

Advertisements