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(Time once again for another shameless ripoff of Cinema Sins. They’re on Youtube and they’re great. Lots of good movies that are not without sin and done a lot better than I can. I recommend them highly.)

Well, I’ve hurt Disney a couple times already… What’s one more? Hopefully Cinema Sins doesn’t end up doing this one too…

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“ALADDIN”

In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.

SPOILERS!

(Duh)

SHOPKEEPER (Singing): “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face…”

That’s racist.

SIN COUNT: 1

Also, Disney thought little kids would forget the original song lyric from theaters by changing it for home video release. Well, 23 years later and this kid still remembers it clear as day.

SIN COUNT: 2

(On the opening shot of Agrabah and the palace)

Wow. Look at the size of this thing. So those little buildings all around the bottom? Later we find out a lot of those are three or four stories tall. Forget the Great Pyramid of Giza…how the *bleep* did they build this? Are you sure you can’t see this thing from orbit? Or from the moon, for that matter? Just one of the side towers of this thing is the Eighth Wonder of the Ancient World.

SIN COUNT: 3

Being the movie nerd that I am, I know full well that the reason the Shopkeeper is voiced by Robin Williams is because he was supposed to end up being the Genie at the end. But seeing as they forgot about the whole fact this movie is just a story being told by the Genie in the first place, it comes off Disney was just too cheap to afford another voice actor.

SIN COUNT: 4

SHOPKEEPER: (About the lamp) Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things it is not what is outside, but on the inside that counts.

I know that’s a rehash of the moral of the film, but… Now-Genie-less magic lamp is the exact same on the inside as it is on the outside. Now if you want to sell me the black lamp from the end of the movie…

SIN COUNT: 5

SHOPKEEPER: Perhaps you’d like to hear the tale?

Don’t ask me if you’re just going to show me regardless, movie.

SIN COUNT: 6

JAFAR: (To Gazeem) You…are late.

Jafar shouldn’t really be upset. They’re meeting in the middle of a desert. He should be happy he’s even there. What kind of directions was Gazeem supposed to follow? 3,242,646th dune from the right?

SIN COUNT: 7

GAZEEM: I had to slit a few throats…

And the kids just got permission to feel ok when this guy gets eaten three minutes from now. Remember, death is only bad when it doesn’t happen to bad people.

SIN COUNT: 8

So apparently for years Jafar couldn’t find the Cave of Wonders because the only way to get it to pop up was by putting this magic scarab together, at which point it would fly out and become the head of the cave. But did he have some general idea of where it was? What if he ended up having to chase these things for a couple hundred miles? There’s a lot of desert in Arabia. His horse would have given out, the scarab would have just kept on going, and, worse yet, now he would have lost the scarab AND it would be somewhere in the middle of a trackless desert where he’d never find it again.

SIN COUNT: 9

Jafar seems to know about the whole condition that if you actually touch any of the forbidden treasure it’ll cause the cave to collapse on you. Now, one might argue he doesn’t want to tell Gazeem and later Aladdin about it because that means they’ll just take the lamp for themselves or not bother to go inside after it, but he could always offer to bribe them later. Does he really expect either of them, one a thief and the other impoverished, to follow his rules so much to the letter they don’t just pocket a coin or something and ruin the whole thing?

SIN COUNT: 10

CAVE OF WONDERS: Who disturbs my slumber?

Earn that paycheck, Frank Welker.

SIN COUNT: 11

Thief thinks it’s a good idea to walk into the mouth of a lion’s head cave that’s drooling and has the voice of Soundwave.

SIN COUNT: 12

Gazeem wasn’t this far inside the jaws of the Cave when it decided to slam shut.  He had just barely put one foot over the edge.

SIN COUNT: 13

Also, Cave knows no one in front of it is the ‘diamond in the rough’, but purposely stays open pretty much just hoping some sap will come in and get killed by it.

SIN COUNT: 14

Apparently, all of Iago’s dialog was nothing more than Gilbert Gottfried watching the rough cut of the film and then just throwing out his own random reactions to what was going on.

SIN COUNT: 15

Pretty much all the guards go after Aladdin in the next big song number. I get it…they don’t like thieves, but… Is crime so ridiculously low in this big city that they can go ahead and do that? If someone wanted to invade, all they’d have to do is send one guy in to steal a basket of figs or something and then let him lead all the armed forces away while they just walked right into the oversized palace. Or is Aladdin such a notorious sustenance thief that they’ve been trying to set up this sting for months? Stake out every last person in Agrabah selling bread and wait for him to grab it?

SIN COUNT: 16

ALADDIN: All this for a loaf of bread?

Aladdin would be great at Cinema Sins.

SIN COUNT: 17

(On hearing Abu’s voice)

Earn that paycheck, Frank Welker.

SIN COUNT: 18

Outlaw-Isn’t-Really-Bad-Because-He-Likes-Little-Kids Cliche.

SIN COUNT: 19

ALADDIN: (Singing) If only they’d look closer… Would they see a poor boy? No siree…

…Actually they would. You’d still be poor and living on the street even if they knew you had a ‘heart of gold’.

SIN COUNT: 20

ALADDIN:  Someday, Abu, things are gonna change. We’ll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all.

Aladdin just turned into a Disney Princess.

SIN COUNT: 21

(Sultan walks in)

Look at this guy. Just how old was the Sultan when he finally managed to have a child? No wonder his wife didn’t seem to survive the birth…

SIN COUNT: 22

Why in the world would Prince Achmed be wearing underwear with hearts? For that matter, why would anyone wear underwear with hearts?

SIN COUNT: 23

Although, that underwear must be double-layered, because Achmed’s ass was still fully covered when he walked out, yet rather than have a section of his pants in his teeth, Rajah has more underpants. Maybe he changed before he stormed out.

SIN COUNT: 24

(Rajah’s growling)

Earn that paycheck, Frank Welker. I’m guessing he’s still mad he got paid probably an eighth of what Robin Williams got.

SIN COUNT: 25

ACHMED: Good luck marrying her off!

That’s a contradiction. If the Sultan just wanted to marry her off rather than let her pick one, this suitor business would be resolved immediately. And he definitely wouldn’t need luck.

SIN COUNT: 26

SULTAN: The law says you must be married to a prince by your next birthday!

Or…what? Really, we have no idea. What Jafar puts up later is something, but…that’s likely bullsh’t he just made up. Does she stop being princess? Does the Sultan lose legitimacy?

SIN COUNT: 27

SULTAN: You’ve only got three more days!

Just enough time for the standard Disney animated film plotline! …Seriously, think about it.

SIN COUNT: 28

Jasmine’s whole complaint is that she wants to marry for love rather than just wanting to pick a suitor. But…that’s not really a complaint when you think about it. She’s getting suitors being brought to her, yes, but…she’s still getting to pick one, presumably because she loves them or gets attracted to them. She’s a princess so it’s not like she gets to go around meeting people. Granted, she does kind of complain about that, likening it to living in a “gilded cage”, but…keep in mind the Sultan only has one daughter. Whoever she picks is going to be the next ruler of Agrabah. So even if he wasn’t thinking she was a “fragile bird” that needed to be protected, he also has to worry about who’s suited to rule. Heck, Aladdin even points that out later in the film. So…accessory conflict is accessory.

SIN COUNT: 29

JASMINE: Well maybe I don’t want to be a princess anymore!

What an empowering statement! …Unless of course you’ve ever lived in poverty, in which case you’d love to hit Jasmine over the head with a brick.

SIN COUNT: 30

SULTAN: Her mother wasn’t nearly so picky…

This isn’t a sin. Just pointing out one of the random Disney jokes that you ignore at the time and then, 15 years later when you’re an adult, you’re off mowing the lawn or in the shower and say: “…Oh! I get it! Ha-ha!”

SIN COUNT: 30

(The Sultan force-feeding Iago crackers)

Cruelty to animals.

SIN COUNT: 31

Wait…Jafar has the power to hypnotize the Sultan to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. With that in mind, why hasn’t he taken over Agrabah a long time ago? Did he think that was too complicated? “No, hypnotizing the Sultan to giving me the kingdom and having him knocked off is far too hard to organize. I should spend years of my life trying to track down two halves of a magic scarab that when I put together will randomly fly out into the middle of a trackless desert, and which I might not be able to track, so I can find a magic cursed cave that will devour most people who go inside and the one person it will let inside will still get killed if he touches any of the treasure inside to hopefully fetch me a magic lamp with a wish-granting genie inside, no questions asked, and then simply wish to be Sultan.”

SIN COUNT: 32

Incredibly hot princess coming into that time of her life has absolutely no guards watching her to make sure guys don’t break in to the palace to sleep with her, let alone keep her from sneaking out.

SIN COUNT: 33

Jasmine is completely enchanted by how dirty, smelly, rough, and ugly the bazaar is.

SIN COUNT: 34

I understand Jasmine’s naivety in thinking she could just take the apple from the cart and give it to the hungry kid without paying for it as she’s likely never paid for anything in her life, but if she thought the fruit was free, did she think some magical power was keeping that kid from reaching twelve inches to grab one himself?

SIN COUNT: 35

Also, the sole purpose of this child’s existence is to have the protagonists suffer misfortune for going out of their way to help him.

SIN COUNT: 36

JASMINE: If you let me go, I can get some money from the Sultan…

Wait, now Jasmine understands the concept of money. Why did she think running away from the palace without any was a good idea?

SIN COUNT: 37

APPLE VENDOR: Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?!

Is there any answer Jasmine can give that won’t result in hand-being-chopped-off?

SIN COUNT: 38

APPLE VENDOR: She said she knew the Sultan!

And…you obviously didn’t believe her, or you would have believed she could have gotten the money to pay for the apple.

SIN COUNT: 39

(Abu spills all his stolen loot bowing his head.)

If Abu is this good at stealing, why is Aladdin still poor?

SIN COUNT: 40

JASMINE: (Smiling smug after pole vaulting across the roofs like Aladdin did) I’m a fast learner.

First…says the one who would only have three limbs if Aladdin hadn’t bailed her out a little while ago. Second…movie tries to make Jasmine out to be a tough gal when she’s going to end up showing up the protagonist several times before becoming generic damsel against the antagonist and expects me not to see it coming. Don’t insult my intelligence, movie.

SIN COUNT: 41

RAZUEL: Princess Jasmine!

Can’t she, like, have you killed now for shoving her around?

SIN COUNT: 42

RAZUEL: My orders come from Jafar. You’ll have to take it up with him.

Ok, first…Razuel knows Aladdin is a notorious thief. Everyone in town was singing about it yesterday and he himself was physically chasing him. So even if Jafar didn’t somehow dispatch him to where he lived, apparently seeing that in the hourglass and not just Aladdin himself, they’d have plenty of reason to bring him in. Second, what kind of messed up city-state is this where the royal vizier has greater legal authority than the royal family?

SIN COUNT: 43

JAFAR: Why…(Trying to think of an excuse)…kidnapping the princess, of course!

Oh no you don’t, movie. The guards didn’t know Jasmine was with Aladdin when they showed up. They assumed she was just another “street mouse”. So that means Jafar didn’t know about it either which makes sense because it seems even the Sultan never knew she was gone, let alone him. So he wouldn’t be able to make up this lie at the drop of a hat.

SIN COUNT: 44

Also, Jasmine doesn’t notice this sizable crack in the wall behind Jafar.

SIN COUNT: 45

Jafar-in-Disguise actually needed Iago to “play the hump”?

SIN COUNT: 46

Also, Jafar once again shows his ability to spur-of-the-moment improvise by rolling Aladdin audibly going over his feelings for Jasmine into goading him to helping him get the lamp. That’s impressive, but… Was there any reason if Jafar was going to impersonate an old beggar that he needed Aladdin imprisoned to talk to him? He couldn’t have just pretended to wander by where he lived and propose the deal?

SIN COUNT: 47

CAVE OF WONDERS: Touch nothing but the lamp!

This Cave of Wonders has too many pointless rules. First it only allows thieves who are pure of heart to even go in it without eating them. Then it purposely creates a bunch of fake wealth (and yes, it IS fake because if you try and touch it it melts back into magma and eventually sand) to purposely tempt the pure-of-heart thief into trying to take some and puts the lamp far on the other side of them so they have to wander through it hoping none of the coins or rubies or such accidentally fall off and brush them…except for the flying carpet, which is a much better treasure than any of the rest of the stuff and you can apparently touch it all you want. The lamp is almost like the opposite of the One Ring. It wants to never be found.

SIN COUNT: 48

The writers thought this film didn’t have enough sidekicks already. Parrot, tiger, monkey…how about a magic carpet too?

SIN COUNT: 49

Cave that immediately noshed on the last guy who broke its rules decides to shift to spending a great deal of time chanting a condemnation over the new guy who broke its rules and then pointlessly stays open for several minutes to allow the potential of a grand escape rather than just immediately collapse.

SIN COUNT: 50

Cave only progressively becomes completely fatal rather than instantly turning fully into magma and killing everyone inside in an instant.

SIN COUNT: 51

Fact: Lava is hot. There’s no way Aladdin, Abu, and the carpet aren’t being roasted alive flying a foot above it right now. You can’t just stand a foot away from fresh lava and not burn.

SIN COUNT: 52

Aladdin and company sure walked a long way considering how long it takes the carpet to take them back to the entrance.

SIN COUNT: 53

Jafar could have succeeded instantly with his whole plan if he didn’t have to resort to the Villain-Backstabs-The-Hero Cliche.

SIN COUNT: 54

Jafar’s fake teeth were somehow attached to his fake beard.

SIN COUNT: 55

Cave only imprisons “infidels” underground along with tool of their salvation rather than kills them.

SIN COUNT: 56

The Genie is a scream to all of the kids in the audience, but…does anyone in his time period know what in the world he’s doing most of the time he’s pulling out the pop culture references?

SIN COUNT: 57

Genie’s “three rules” encompass what could have solved Aladdin’s biggest problem as well as anything that would have offended someone religious.

SIN COUNT: 58

Exactly how powerful are the Genie’s rules if he can literally be tricked into breaking them? Are they even rules at that point? Aren’t they more guidelines?

SIN COUNT: 59

So what happens when your royal vizier goes over your head to get an innocent man executed acting on your behalf as legal authority? He gets the frowning of a lifetime!

SIN COUNT: 60

Iago just pointed out what was wrong with the scheme to get rule of Agrabah by getting the lamp in the first place by taking all of 6 seconds to think up an equally valid and far-more-likely-to-succeed plan.

SIN COUNT: 61

The Genie spends an inordinately long time granting Aladdin’s first wish. Kind of makes you think he could have done the same thing with Jafar later. Like…asked him a bunch of nitpicking questions about where he wanted the palace, or what style robes he wanted to wear, or somesuch. Anything to give more time for the heroes to succeed.

SIN COUNT: 62

Aladdin is totally nonchalant about the fact getting his wish granted means his best friend got transmuted into an elephant against his will.

SIN COUNT: 63

Again, Jafar fails at plans. He bothered making up the fake scroll and the fake law when he could have just hypnotized the Sultan to begin with.

SIN COUNT: 64

How does it work when the Genie “creates people”? Did he just spontaneously create life in order to make all of these “slaves, servants, and flunkies”? I suppose he could. On the three things he couldn’t do, he only said he couldn’t kill people or bring the dead back to life. He never mentioned anything about not making sentient life out of nothing.

SIN COUNT: 65

I buy that Aladdin doesn’t recognize Jafar because I wouldn’t recognize him either…but Jafar pretty much stares right at Aladdin’s face and doesn’t put two and two together.

SIN COUNT: 66

Aladdin is somehow disheartened that Jasmine isn’t buying into him when he’s acting snooty and proper when he basically met her once already and knew she wasn’t into that to begin with.

SIN COUNT: 67

Jasmine is mad at ‘Prince Ali’ showing up at her balcony instead of calling the guards to kill him for somehow being on the balcony to her bedroom to begin with.

SIN COUNT: 68

(Jasmine noticing Aladdin only when his turban comes off.)

Oh, that’s why Jafar couldn’t recognize him. His hair was covered.

SIN COUNT: 69

Jasmine goes from wishing ‘Prince Ali’ was dead to being concerned for him after he basically says ‘you’re right, bye’.

SIN COUNT: 70

Just like in “Beauty and the Beast”, the way to a woman’s heart is to bribe her with magic stuff.

SIN COUNT: 71

Neither Aladdin nor Jasmine are suffocating or passing out from hypothermia although they’re flying in the stratosphere.

SIN COUNT: 72

ALADDIN: The truth is…I sometimes dress as a commoner! To escape the pressures of palace life!

Aladdin is still somehow too dense to realize Jasmine was obviously attracted to him when he was a street bum. Even though she just invalidated his whole argument he made earlier about her mocking him if she’d find out he wasn’t really a prince…although he is a prince now because of the wish. (It’s not like Aladdin said he wished to become a “fake prince”.)

SIN COUNT: 73

Ah, Disney movies. Going from pure repulsion to true love in the span of a musical number. The sad part is this is more romantic development than all of the first 40 years of Disney animated couples combined.

SIN COUNT: 74

How do Razuel and the palace guards still have a job after this movie is over?

SIN COUNT: 75

Now the Genie is able to bend the rules so much he’s actually able to propose the wish himself and then interpret any old gesture his master makes as affirmation. Well heck, how did he ever have trouble with Jafar? Why didn’t he just say really, really fast: “Masterifyouwishfornothingthreetimessaywhat”?

SIN COUNT: 76

Also, Genie wastes time turning into a German Uboat to save Aladdin when he could have snapped his fingers and teleported him to shore. What would have happened if Aladdin died while he was trying to save his life? Would that have caused one of those “time-space paradoxes” as the Genie would be given a wish he couldn’t fulfill? If he had to perform CPR would it have been a violation of “bringing back from the dead”?

SIN COUNT: 77

So the snake staff apparently sucked the Sultan’s free will out and stored it inside, so when it was broken he was de-hypnotized.

SIN COUNT: 78

Also, Aladdin was the only one seeing the staff doing eye swirlies in spite of Jasmine being right there too.

SIN COUNT: 79

Again, Aladdin is a terrible judge of character. Retaining his third wish doesn’t exactly automatically make him wise and capable enough to be the Sultan. If he’s afraid of freeing the Genie “cancelling out” his first two wishes, then he should be more worried about going back into the ocean. It seems more likely he thinks the Genie will just ditch him when it’s clear he thinks of himself as his friend at this point. But even if the Genie did ditch him, does he somehow think he’s getting free Sultan advice from him?

SIN COUNT: 80

Aladdin is terrible at hiding magical paths to fortune and power.

SIN COUNT: 81

GENIE: Tonight the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark, and sinister ugly man.

Lines like this make me wonder if the Genie has “comic awareness”. No one is ever miffed that he constantly talks as if an invisible audience is watching their lives.

SIN COUNT: 82

Jafar kind of wasted his first wish, didn’t he? Apparently becoming Sultan simply means he gets his clothes and the palace relocated. He didn’t actually get anything other than the “title”. Everyone else is still free to say “you’re not the Sultan” and everything.

SIN COUNT: 83

JAFAR: I wish to be the most powerful sorcerer in the world!

Is this a world where sorcerers exist? One would hope so. Because if no “sorcerer” can perform real magic and basically just does alchemy tricks and divination, then the Genie could just snap his fingers and Jafar could pull genuine rabbits out of his turban and that would be it. Technically he’d still be the “most powerful”.

SIN COUNT: 84

After letting the environment decide things with Aladdin twice now, Jafar thinks the third time will somehow be the charm rather than blowing him up right now.

SIN COUNT: 85

Alright…that settles it. Cold doesn’t exist in Disney. Not at all. Before now LaFou could be turned into a snowman and survive. Years from now Anna will go wandering for hours in a Norwegian winter wearing a summer dress and not get frostbite. Why is Aladdin even bothering to cross his arms around himself now? The fact you haven’t already lost toes means you’re immune!

SIN COUNT: 86

Jasmine using her wiles to seduce Jafar to distract him is actually probably the most ingenious, independent, and helpful thing a Disney princess has ever done until this point in their animated career. Too bad Disney renders it all pointless in one minute.

SIN COUNT: 87

JAFAR: How many times do I have to kill you, boy?!

Only once…and you still haven’t done it. You’re pretty much the Bond Villain of Disney villains.

SIN COUNT: 88

This hourglass deathtrap is both the slowest moving method of killing as well as the fastest…both at the same time. It takes no time at all to bury Jasmine up to her neck, but then that entire long monologue to finally cover her head when the fat portion of the hourglass has already filled up and it should logically fill faster. Not to mention I’m pretty sure she’d already be dead by the time Aladdin broke her out as the sand would have kept her lungs from inflating long before covering her mouth and nose.

SIN COUNT: 89

JAFAR: Without the Genie, boy, you’re nothing!

Well, so are you, technically.

SIN COUNT: 90

Villain-Defeated-Due-To-Wanting-To-Kill-Hero-Even-More-Easily-Than-They-Already-Can Cliche.

SIN COUNT: 91

Is that lid to Jafar’s lamp super-glued on or something? How come Iago isn’t just popping right out of it?

SIN COUNT: 92

Does becoming a Genie negate everything you did as a Sorcerer? It seems so as everyone gets restored along with the palace. But if that’s the case, why isn’t Aladdin a prince again?

SIN COUNT: 93

Ok, biggest sin of the movie is right here. Aladdin acts like he has to choose between keeping his word to a friend and having the love of his life while simultaneously condemning the Genie to eternal servitude…as if he wasn’t surrounded by benevolent new masters. Why couldn’t he have wished to become a prince, passed the lamp off to Jasmine, and then had her wish to set the Genie free? It’s not like the lamp works like Dragonballs and goes around the world or back to the Cave of Wonders after the last wish is made, because if that was the case it would have after Jafar made his third wish. Unnecessary conflict is unnecessary.

SIN COUNT: 94

And the Sultan could have changed the law that he hated and his daughter hated the whole time. Everyone in this movie likes subjecting themselves to arbitrary rules, don’t they?

SIN COUNT: 95

Not to mention law is ineffective in that Aladdin and Jasmine didn’t get married for three seasons…er, years…when it still says she has to be married by her next birthday.

SIN COUNT: 96

FINAL COUNT: 96

SENTENCE: ACCUSED OF PERVERSION ([Mumbled] Take off your clothes…)

(Scene in the prison)

IAGO: Jafar, would you hurry up? I’m dying in here!

(Voiceover)

ROBOT GUARD: Did your hump just talk?

FRY: I have…um…Talking…Hump…Syndrome.

ROBOT GUARD: …Oh, THS, eh?

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