(Time once again for another shameless ripoff of Cinema Sins. They’re on Youtube and they’re great. Lots of good movies that are not without sin and done a lot better than I can. I recommend them highly.)
Pretty much all the movies that I like and can recall very well were already done by Cinema Sins, so I got to search high and low for more obscure ones…like this gem by Ridley Scott that was yet another bomb on the long route to finally making a profitable fantasy film in the form of “Lord of the Rings”…
In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.
Entire movie is set in Noah’s Ark. Seriously, you cannot see a scene of animals or birds in this film without having three or four species in the shot at a time.
SIN COUNT: 1
Keith Richards apparently wandered onto the set while on a bender, Ridley Scott said: “F*** it; there’s our Blix!”, and they put a prop sword in his hand and just filmed him doing things.
SIN COUNT: 2
Evil Keebler Elf Tree.
SIN COUNT: 3
Nothing in Darkness’ plan makes sense. It requires such a tiny amount of execution that is dependent upon factors not under his control that there is no excuse why he didn’t do this long ago. Seriously, Darkness treats the whole “killing the unicorns and plunging the world into everlasting night” thing the same way I treat making a dental appointment: the only reason I don’t get around to it is pure laziness. “Oh, I could kill the unicorns this weekend, but… Work has been brutal and I really wanted to check out that new Thai place… Eh, I’ll kill ’em next weekend.”
SIN COUNT: 4
DARKNESS: “Let this serve to remind you!”
Because nothing helps you remember unicorns better than someone holding a knife to your forehead.
SIN COUNT: 5
(Lily pulls the clothesline out.)
Royalty is a dick to peasants.
SIN COUNT: 6
PEASANT WOMAN: “Bloomin’ faeries!”
SIN COUNT: 7
This peasant family is cooking way too much food for a couple and a baby in a time period where refrigeration doesn’t exist.
SIN COUNT: 8
(After Lily sees the vision of the frozen clock)
Wait, can Lily see the future? Is this some sort of magic clock made from the wood of a Narnian tree or something that can show what’s about to happen? And if it is, why isn’t it showing a better vision than just frost covering it? Even the audience has no basis for knowing what this means. Pointless premonition is pointless.
SIN COUNT: 9
Lily helps herself to all of that food too. Granted, there was more than enough, but so far our fairy princess has trolled her peasants and helped herself to their stuff…which makes her pretty much the same as real world princesses from the same time period. Even Disney princesses clean.
SIN COUNT: 10
Discount Peter Pan.
SIN COUNT: 11
SIN COUNT: 12
LILY: “Let me dazzle you with my wisdom.”
Movie features scene where Lily dangles her pendant in front of Jack’s face simply for no other reason rather than to remember “shiny metal reflects light” later in the film to help defeat the villain.
SIN COUNT: 13
Also, movie may be entire decades prior to Tom Cruise’s Scientology Off-The-Deep-Endness, but what is up with the face he gives Lily pretty much in every scene he’s with her? Pretty sure every man who’s ever done that to a woman in real life is now in prison.
SIN COUNT: 14
JACK: “I trust you, Lily. I’ll always trust you.”
…Which is why I’m continuing to blindfold you.
SIN COUNT: 15
One has to wonder if the goblins happened to be lucky enough to stumble upon these two “innocents” on their first try or if they’ve been at this for weeks trying to stumble across not only people who are innocent but who happen to also know where to find unicorns.
SIN COUNT: 16
Those unicorn horns are wobbling.
SIN COUNT: 17
Now what’s with Lily’s face? It looks like she’s trying to seduce the unicorns. And that ain’t very innocent.
SIN COUNT: 18
Lily throws ring into deepest pond in the whole world.
SIN COUNT: 19
Unicorn stallion apparently collapses to the ground in a Japanese anime.
SIN COUNT: 20
Lily pretty much leaves Jack to die.
SIN COUNT: 21
Environment turns so cold that the top of the lake literally freezes a few inches thick in a matter of seconds, because it was still liquid long after Jack jumped in and Lily ran off, yet characters in movie continue to not freeze to death for the remainder of the film.
SIN COUNT: 22
Jack punches through same thick ice with bare hand.
SIN COUNT: 23
Now unicorn-death-impact-on-planet-logic makes no sense at all. Why are the peasants not moving? Are they actually frozen or merely time-stopped? In either event, why isn’t Lily? Is is because she’s “innocent”? Are only people with evil in their hearts frozen? Then why aren’t the goblins frozen? If it’s because of the unicorn horn, why isn’t Darkness frozen? Magic winter makes less sense than winter in “Frozen”.
SIN COUNT: 24
Goblins are renown for relating vast amounts of exposition whenever you get them together in one spot.
SIN COUNT: 25
Jack is wearing practically nothing and is half buried in snow yet still alive.
SIN COUNT: 26
Another discount Peter Pan.
SIN COUNT: 27
Oh shoot. Jack ended up napping where all the extras from “Labyrinth” were crashing.
SIN COUNT: 28
GUMP: “You think you can upset the order of the universe and not pay the price?!”
Yeah…that’s right up there with Maxwell’s Equations. The electric field leaving a volume is proportional to the charge inside; there are no magnetic monopoles such that the total magnetic flux piercing a closed surface is zero; the voltage accumulated around a closed circuit is proportional to the time rate of change of the magnetic flux it encloses and…oh yeah, never touch unicorns.
SIN COUNT: 29
SIN COUNT: 30
JACK: (Crying) “I’m sorry. I meant no wrong.”
Tom Cruise apologizes to the audience for “War of the Worlds” twenty years too early.
SIN COUNT: 31
JACK: “Me, Gump? But I know nothing of weapons!”
GUMP: “You’ll learn. I know where to find the best!”
Because actual skill at being a warrior isn’t important; just having the best equipment. Anyone who plays “Diablo III” knows that.
SIN COUNT: 32
Gump arbitrarily can’t go into this cave full of loot so Una can show off her alternate form to Jack and keep it a secret from Gump.
SIN COUNT: 33
Also, Una has an alternate form she keeps a secret from Gump because…reasons!
SIN COUNT: 34
(When Darkness brings the mummy to life)
Wait, why is there a mummy here right next to the goblins? Did they decide to just have their little campfire next to a mummy for some reason? Are mummies just lying around in the forest for goblins to camp near and for Darkness to pop in and bring to life? Or do they practice embalming in their spare time?
SIN COUNT: 35
Also, all bottomless pits lead to Darkness’ Tree.
SIN COUNT: 36
(In the shot with Blix and Pox groveling)
That’s clearly a floodlight behind them.
SIN COUNT: 37
Also, once again, Lily is in a perfect spot to hear exposition.
SIN COUNT: 38
(On Brown Tom taking up the frying pan as a weapon)
Brown Tom thinks he’s Rapunzel.
SIN COUNT: 39
(After Brown Tom gets shot “through his brain pan”)
Psychosomatic fatal wound keeps Brown Tom from doing anything to save the unicorn or Lily.
SIN COUNT: 40
Did Jack and company really need to follow tracks to find out where the goblins were going? Are there a large number of “evil lairs” around this forest for them to go to that they had to single this one out in particular?
SIN COUNT: 41
Movie gets a sin taken off for this amazing makeup job that turned Star Trek Voyager’s “Doctor” into…well…whatever this thing is supposed to be.
SIN COUNT: 40
JACK: “That’s a shame because surely a creature as beautiful as yourself deserves better than scrawny me!”
SIN COUNT: 41
Group first acts surprised that trap door nearly dumps them into bottomless hole, but then, when it stops, continue to look for ways to dump them into bottomless hole.
SIN COUNT: 42
Rather long scene with Jack and Una serves no purpose except to say “you can’t have a faerie in a movie without it getting jealous”.
SIN COUNT: 43
Crystal ball wristwatch.
SIN COUNT: 44
Oh, screw you, movie. You do not get to have Lily following the goblins around for a third of this film, trudging through snow that comes up to her breast, getting what little clothes she has torn up, and then suddenly when she gets to evil guy’s lair suddenly say: “Wait a second, I forgot that I’m cold. Better stand in front of this fire.”
SIN COUNT: 45
World has turned to eternal winter, I’m stuck in an evil castle that’s 50% hot magma and smoke, in a chamber that looks like Satan’s rec room, and infested with goblins, monsters, and whatever the f*** this thing is on the table…but, oh! Jewelry!
SIN COUNT: 46
It would definitely be creepy, but…it’s not like Darkness is supposed to be in any way “likable”, so…if he can hypnotize or entrance Lily into putting on this dress worn by the last Miss Pandemonium Winner, why does he have to deal with trying to get her to “like him” after this?
SIN COUNT: 47
Two sins taken off for Tim Curry’s epic makeup job. In fact, every single movie that has ever done CGI makeup gets a sin put on for this.
SIN COUNT: 45
Darkness decides to turn his back, laugh out loud, and monologue about his weakness where Jack and Gump can overhear him, because he always does that at least twice a day and once around this time frame.
SIN COUNT: 46
Luckily for this ex-goblin, the monstrous chefs in Darkness’ kitchen go through all the trouble of getting a monster-sized pie ready that will clearly take close to 24 hours to cook based on size alone and then rather than put it in the oven first before taking a break decide: “Ugh, making pie takes a lot out of you. Let’s crash for a few.”
SIN COUNT: 47
Also, what is up with that guy’s hand? Seriously, what is up with his hand? Did he and a vulture both lose an arm in a table saw accident, end up going to the same ER, and then the surgeon botched up on both of them?
SIN COUNT: 48
(When the barrel gets cut and the spray is redirected in the face of the attacking cooks)
Luckily, in fairy tales, all wine is carbonated.
SIN COUNT: 49
Somehow this kitchen is more well-illuminated after the fires are all put out. Also, Darkness is destroyed by sunlight yet doesn’t make any sort of branching chimney so that light has no chance of getting into his lair.
SIN COUNT: 50
Screwball is right to be standoffish. Exactly how is he going to carry that dish? In his teeth?
SIN COUNT: 51
Also, it looks as if Jack didn’t have any ideas for a light source prior to this chimney. So why the hell were he and the others trying to gather plates to reflect light before now?
SIN COUNT: 52
LILY: “…I prefer to stand, thank you.”
DARKNESS: (Infuriated at her teasing) “Damn…you!”
I can’t actually point out the sin here without being vulgar, so I’ll just say: “Certain-Title-to-a-Song-by-Prince”. If you’re old enough, you’ll get it.
SIN COUNT: 53
LILY: “I will stay here as long as you wish, but on one condition.”
LILY: “I want to kill the unicorn!”
SIN COUNT: 54
GUMP: “She means to do it, Jack! She’s one of them!”
Is every male in this movie that clueless about women? I was going to just fault Darkness, but…really, they’re kind of on the planet from that one episode of the Twilight Zone with the aliens who didn’t know what lies were and just assumed everything they saw and heard was the truth.
SIN COUNT: 55
You see, Darkness…this is what you get for only having three minions on hand. When princesses cut the chain holding unicorns, no one’s around to stop them from running away. On that note, no one was stopping Lily from simply letting the unicorn loose earlier.
SIN COUNT: 56
SIN COUNT: 57
Also, there’s the Tom Cruise we know and shy away from not making direct eye contact!
SIN COUNT: 58
Screwball falls asleep after finally getting to the top of the chimney lugging a plate too heavy for Una to lift on her own in human form because we need Jack to get smacked around by Darkness for a bit.
SIN COUNT: 59
DARKNESS: (After Jack grabs the unicorn horn) “Give it to me, BOY!”
(Stabbed in the stomach with it soon after)
SIN COUNT: 60
(Reflected light blows open doors)
Wow. Either the entire castle is weak against sunlight too or the sun was momentarily replaced with phasers from the USS Enterprise-D.
SIN COUNT: 61
Also, the claw-armed bastard who was standing against those doors somehow survives this.
SIN COUNT: 62
SIN COUNT: 63
Wait, did the ring wake Lily up? Or the unicorn horn? Or Jack’s kiss? We may never know the answer to “the riddle”.
SIN COUNT: 64
Let’s stop to recap the plot for a moment. Forest dwelling teenager meets up with a princess who gets captured by a dark lord with horns and cloven feet who also steals a golden power to give him dominion over the world. Teenager goes into a cave to claim a magic sword and shield and then goes to battle the dark lord, assisted by various different magic creatures. The princess ends up being useless to the plot save as a MacGuffin to rescue, and hero defeats the dark lord hitting him with an attack that bears the power of light, which he’s able to do by solving a sophisticated light-reflecting puzzle throughout the dark lord’s lair. Then he restores the golden power and his world with it, which also involves breaking the princess out of an enchanted sleep. Even though he saves the princess, she pretty much just smiles and says goodbye rather than marries him at the end. Oh, and one of his companions is a fairy who flies around his head like a blip of light and shouts out obnoxious things in a tiny voice. Good lord…this movie is the live-action “Legend of Zelda” film.
SIN COUNT: 65
FINAL COUNT: 65
SENTENCE: DREAM DATE…WITH MEG (“Come to Meg…Juicy Boy!”)
(Scene where Una flies over the sleeping Jack trying to wake him up)
NAVI: Hey! Listen!
(Scene where Gump shows up)
JACK: (Alarmed) Who are you?
FORREST: My name’s Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump.
JACK: …Gump, is it?