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From NINTENDO…

A company that put out the 3DS as a totally new console and yet its biggest selling games are nothing more than mobile re-releases of old popular games…

Comes a game that tries to prove that Nintendo can make original games for the 3DS that are worth playing…

…Eh, but not TOO original. We don’t want to go overboard here.

“THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: A LINK BETWEEN WORLDS”

Join the timeless video game hero LINK’s eighth or so descendant as he goes on his seventeenth outing to save Hyrule from more or less the same evil entity…

And to rescue PRINCESS ZELDA, a character who really should have invested in competent guards or learned personal combat skills by now, and yet still routinely gets every entry in the series named after her…including the entries where she doesn’t even show up.

(I’m looking at you, “Link’s Awakening” and the Oracle games…er, on the first playthrough. …And “Phantom Hourglass”. That one counts.)

This time, however, to save Hyrule, Link will acknowledge the major complaint of the 3DS causing chronic headaches among players…

By going through an adventure that literally requires him to become a nice, harmless 2D drawing regularly to succeed.

And in doing so, he’ll discover the mysterious world of Lorule…

(…”Lorule”? Seriously? You came up with clever names for everything except the world itself? Well, that and upside-down Triforce.)

A mirror-image world of Hyrule…

In which Zelda has been replaced by General Zod…

Link has been replaced by Frank from “Donnie Darko”…

And Ganon had been replaced by the bastard offspring of Dr. Frank N. Furter, Carrot Top, and Brauner from “Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin”…YUGA.

A bizarre Ganon wannabee whose specialties include egomania, overconfidence, throwing fits when he gets hit, and having a fetish for really bad Egyptian hieroglyphics.

In this strange new world in which everything is its polar opposite, he’ll need to receive help from the enigmatic PRINCESS HILDA…

…Who between the black hair, blood-red eyes, the fact that she clearly has Zelda imprisoned in the painting in multiple cutscenes, and the fact that you’re in a world where EVERYTHING IS OPPOSITE should serve as an IQ test to the player that they should have seen her Face-Turn-Heel coming even more easily than Zelda getting captured for the 17th time.

(Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!)

Revisit the world that became popularized in “A Link to the Past”…

Only this time, watch as Nintendo embraces the modern spirit of “Pay-To-Play” games by taking you from exploring and collecting items to open the way forward…

To simply making it all about the rupees.

(You can carry up to four-digits worth of rupees right at the onset? Yeah…you’re going to need those.)

Enjoy the fact that all items are available at the onset to breeze through all ten dungeons of roughly equivalent difficulty and whine and complain about how easy and short the game was…

…Only to pay for your hubris when you unlock Hero Mode and start realizing just how much of a pain in the ass it is to constantly have to scare up the money to re-rent every item when everything can kill you with two hits.

(Damnit! I hate that corpse-looting bird! Why don’t you just take my dignity while you’re at it?!)

Eat your words at how much you complained about “Toon Link” from the “Windwaker” and Nintendo DS entries

…Only to now have every character turned into an ugly doll…

And Marvel at this spellbinding new entry to the “Legend of Zelda” lore…

…As you scratch your head at what this means for the timeline of Hyrule with questions like:

  • Are the pictures in the castle outlining “A Link to the Past”? Or is this another deal like with “The Windwaker” where it’s ambiguous?
  • If this is “A Link to the Past” universe, why does Lorule look exactly like the Dark World in that game? Because that was the “Sacred Realm” turned dark, not Lorule. Hell, Link and Zelda even go to the Sacred Realm at the end of “A Link Between Worlds” and it’s all nice and lovely.
  • Are they trying to say Lorule is the Dark World? Because that turned bad because of Ganon. It should be “nice now”. Why didn’t Ganon steal their Triforce? Did he and so they wrecked it? Are they trying to say Ganon messed up with theirs and then went after the one in “A Link to the Past”?
  • If it’s not “A Link to the Past”, then what’s with the descendants of the Seven Sages? Why are they all in crystals?
  • Speaking of which, why doesn’t Link need the Moon Pearl in Lorule? Is Ravio being dressed like a rabbit and everyone wearing masks suggesting there were never any people turned into monsters in “A Link to the Past”? That people were just “dressing like monsters that ironically reflected their true nature” in “A Link to the Past”? Did Link really need the Moon Pearl just to “not dress up”?
  • Can you really use the Triforce to wish for another Triforce? Well hell…why didn’t Ganon just do that to begin with? Infinite Triforces! God-dom for everyone!

([Burns copy of “Hyrulean History”] I knew that thing would become obsolete as soon as they released another new game, but NOOOOO… I just had to buy it…)

STARRING…

Ironic naming after historical figures… (“Link”, “Zelda”, “Impa”, “Sahraslaha”)

Yu-Gi-No… (Yuga)

Toasted Zelda… (Princess Hilda)

Still less annoying than Link from the cartoon… (Ravio)

Mary Jane Watson… (Princess Zelda)

And…Zelda…even after seventeen games. (Link)

“THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: MANDATORY EYE STRAIN BREAKS”

…Ok, tell me I’m not the only one so immature I gave a bit of a chuckle that the way to beat the final boss is to shoot him in his ass with arrows.

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