Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”.)

(In honor of MLP:FIM finally getting its first movie that actually focuses on the species in the title, I thought I’d go back and hit this one I missed…)

HASBRO…the toy company whose motto is to enslave its customers from the cradle to the grave…has recently partnered with Lionsgate to put out the first full-length “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” movie actually set in the show’s universe…

So before it comes out…go back in time two years to rewatch the film that should have been the first full-length “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” movie actually set in the show’s universe…if not for toy company executives wanting a piece of the action from Mattel’s “Monster High” market…

“MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC ~ EQUESTRIA GIRLS”

For years, Mattel’s “Barbie” doll has been getting slammed by critics worldwide for setting unrealistic standards of beauty and human physicality…

Now see the film that finally managed to divert the attention of those same critics away from her…and toward these multicolored, alien-shaped, debatable-alluring, malformed radioactive humanoids instead!

MOM: (Holding a doll in its packaging) This is supposed to be a ‘My Little Pony’?

“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” has won the hearts and minds of children and adults alike for its creative design and intriguing storylines…

So watch as that amazing world gets left behind except for the very beginning and ending of the film so we can go to “Johnny Test Generic Background Collection #8” and look at characters so badly design and so inferior to fanart of what the MLP:FIM cast would look like as humans that online debates went out if this movie was even for real!

ONLINE NERD: Oh yeah, right… Hasbro’s going to try to sell something that bad looking. I can draw better human versions of the Mane Six in my sleep.

When PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE finds out the hard way that turning a magical object that was sealed away for 1,000 years and then kept under careful lock and key into an accessory you simply put at your bedside is simply asking for it to get stolen…she’ll have to travel through a Magic MacGuffin Mirror that comes complete with a “Back to the Future”-esque Ticking Clock into a totally different cartoon marketed to a completely different audience to get it back!

Without stopping to wonder why her body spontaneously made clothes for her that fit her personality on crossing through, she’ll find herself in the world of Canterlot High School and confronted with strange and unsettling new customs, such as…

Grade schoolers and teenagers attending the exact same classes! (Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and the CMCs all at the school)

IT Services People who get disgusted when they actually have to help students! (Cheerilee getting upset when Twilight needs help with the computer)

High School Principals and Vice Principals so out-of-the-loop they just assume students who randomly show up one day belong in their school! (Celestia and Luna’s lack of reaction to Twilight Sparkle’s arrival)

Completely unlocked doors to institutions where children will be gathered after hours! (Twilight able to sleep in the library)

And…school without classes!

(…Seriously. No one ever goes to class. What are they doing there? Is a school just a place to “hang out” in this universe? Do they all like carrying around textbooks “because”? Is this the “extracurricular activity” building and there’s a different one where kids learn crap?)

In this strange new world, Twilight Sparkle will piece together a mystery that leads to a shocking revelation…

…Namely that the plot is so unoriginal it’s more or less a remake of the show’s pilot!

Awkward nerdy Twilight Sparkle comes to a new town… Meets up with five new girls and sees everything special about them… Discovers a dilemma involving an evil female and a magical object… Rallies with the girls to stop her… Discovers all six of them together embody the Elements of Harmony and zaps the villain to turn her good… And everyone throws a party at the end.

(They literally were so lazy they did the following…)

[Side-by-side comparison of movie and pilot episode]

FLUTTERSHY: I’m…Flutter…(mumble)

TWILIGHT: What was that?

FLUTTERSHY: I…I’m…(mumble)

TWILIGHT: …Didn’t quite catch that.

But most of the time, she’ll be meeting the humanoid alien multi-colored nightmare-doll versions of her best friends and making this 70 minute movie run 45 minutes too long by hatching a foolish, half-baked, and unlikely-to-succeed plan to turn a total stranger into the most popular kid in school in two days to win back the Magic Element of Harmony during the school’s Fall Formal instead of simply going into the office after hours and taking it…

And actually make something as shallow as a high school popularity contest the most important thing in the universe!

(…Did this show actually try to cater to an older demographic and become less mature as a result?)

To win, she’ll have to defeat another technicolor-pony-turned-rejected-Doug-figurine…SUNSET SHIMMER…

A villain who actually took a few steps backward on the pH scale of cartoon antagonists by going from being a powerful, corrupted unicorn to a high-school cyberbully…

Who, if the name and appearance didn’t tip you off right after hearing them, is a villain who represents a “corrupt” version of Twilight Sparkle…

…Which was apparently such a popular concept that this is the only thing they’ve done since. (Shots of Starlight Glimmer, Moondancer, and the true human Twilight Sparkle)

And she’ll have to brave the true horror of the brony community…FLASH SENTRY…

A character who was so universally hated by the fans of the show for suddenly turning the nerdy yet upright and bold Twilight Sparkle into your average love-smitten teenage cartoon heroine that the show’s creators had to put out an official statement that the entire “Equestria Girls” series was a spin-off series rather than an actual series…

…Er, even though Season Four clearly happened in between this movie and the sequel. (Shot of the Castle of Friendship in “Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks”)

So buckle in for friendship, magic, adventure, and one relentless “Twilight-Sparkle-doing-something-a-pony-would-do-only-it’s-funny-because-she’s-in-a-human-body-now” joke after another…

As you sit down and watch for the first ten minutes…

Find something better to do for the next 50 minutes…

Then pause to look over at the screen and suddenly see a giant flaming succubus popped in at one point, prompting you to sit down and watch the last ten minutes and realize, fortunately, that you didn’t miss anything because the film seemed to forget about the whole “stop Sunset Shimmer” thing until now…

And then try to decide whether you’re merely upset that Flash Sentry ends up being in Equestria as well…or if you’re a nitpicking nerd to wonder why the Crystal Empire would have a pegasus for a guard in the first place.

(Comic Book Guy would totally point out the fact everyone else is a Crystal Pony.)

STARRING…

Cowlick… (Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna)

Anger and Joy’s love child… (Sunset Shimmer)

Demona, Bronx, and Lexington… (Demon Sunset Shimmer, Snips, and Snails)

Vitamin D Deficiency… (Rarity)

Rainbow Brite… (Rainbow Dash)

Hyperglycemia… (Pinkie Pie)

Rich Texan… (Applejack)

(mumble…mumble)… (Fluttershy)

And…the Lost California Raisin! (Twilight Sparkle)

“MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC ~ EQUESTRIA GIRLS”!

(Scene where dog Spike is smitten by humanized Rarity)

…Not only is this scene really creepy when you think about it, it kind of makes the “Spikity” shipping in general more disturbing than ever. Well played on unsettling me yet again, movie. Well played.

Advertisements