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(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”.)

(I did the first two…and the actual Screen Junkies isn’t going to do it anytime soon, so…)

From HASBRO…

The toy company that finally did a cost/benefit analysis that showed they were making more money from television ad revenue than they were from movie ticket sales…

Comes the entry in the “Equestria Girls” franchise that safely aired on television rather than theaters, prompting the fan community to FINALLY admit:

“…(Sigh) Alright, these movies with Doug-universe ponies are actually kind of good.”

“MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC ~ EQUESTRIA GIRLS: FRIENDSHIP GAMES”

(Dude, can you, like, make that easier to say by getting rid of the “My Little Pony” part? Especially since this movie was totally void of ponies?)

The first entry in the series left you saying…

“It was surprisingly decent.”

The second entry in the series left you saying…

“Hey now, that was pretty awesome!”

Now brace yourself for the third entry in the trilogy, which will leave you saying…

“…Eh, it wasn’t as good as the second. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was fun and entertaining…just not as good as the second.”

In other words, it’s your standard threequel.

Watch all of your friends from the human universe…

PINKIE PIE…

RARITY…

FLUTTERSHY…

APPLEJACK…

And RAINBOW DASH…

As they finally fall under “new management” by the new leader of the group, SUNSET SHIMMER, as she must endure her greatest challenge yet…

Somehow NOT be supplanted by Twilight Sparkle in a movie where Twilight Sparkle never even shows up except for ten seconds at the end…

AND…FAILS…MISERABLY!

Watch as TWILIGHT SPARKLE still somehow manages to dominate over half of the plot of a movie that doesn’t even feature her by focusing on the biggest “Woobie” character since Nico Robin in “One Piece”…

HUMAN TWILIGHT SPARKLE…or, for convenience sake for those who can’t remember more than five syllables…SCI-TWI…

A character who represents Twilight Sparkle if she had never made friends in Equestria…

Who represents Sunset Shimmer if she had been obsessed with knowledge rather than her own power…

Who represents Starlight Glimmer if she had never “gone evil”…

And who represents Moondancer.

(Seriously, if they had just used humanized Moondancer, we wouldn’t have had to deal with the fact that, far from making Sunset Shimmer the main character of the “Equestria Girls” franchise, now we have to somehow work two Twilights into the plot.)

Watch as the writers decide not to tempt fate and do the same thing they did in the previous two movies by using a magic villain from Equestria and instead rely on a purely conventional after-school-special villain…

PRINCIPAL ABACUS CINCH…

A character literally so evil she bastardizes the name of one of the greatest characters in literary history.

Be on the edge of your seat as this totally human villain doesn’t try to steal Magic Elements of Harmony or brainwash the planet and instead leads CRYSTAL PREP ACADEMY against CANTERLOT HIGH SCHOOL in the FRIENDSHIP GAMES…

Proving that after 30 years no instructors have ever watched any of those countless other “snobs vs. slobs” plotlines in that they somehow think this is going to foster greater unity between the schools rather than make them hate each other more than death iteself…

In a dastardly, evil, diabolical attempt…TO REMAIN HIGHER RANKED IN THE SCHOOL DISTRICT!

…Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Kind of a let down, huh? Can we get some humanized villains in this thing to try and liven things up a tad?

To inject some interest in an otherwise unremarkable plotline, we’ll watch as Sci-Twi struggles to uncover the mystery of Equestrian magic at Canterlot High School…

(Which really shouldn’t have taken that long, as it’s not exactly a secret. Seriously, Rainbow Dash sings about it during the pep rally at the beginning and shows it off to everyone.)

And see her be turned into the Y-rated version of a third-world dictatorship POW as she’s constantly intimidated…

SOUR SWEET: I’m watching you!

Insulted…

SOUR SWEET: Yeah, definitely take advice from the person you’re competing against!

Blackmailed…

PRINCIPAL CINCH: Though I suppose I could also have it…denied. What do you think I should do?

Diminished as a human being…

SUGARCOAT: That was a really bad speech. You should consider not speaking in public.

Sleep-deprived…

LEMON ZEST: You gotta hear this! (Puts too-loud headphones on Sci-Twi)

And brainwashed!

ALL STUDENTS IN A CIRCLE AROUND HER CHANTING: Unleash the magic… Unleash the magic…

To escape the living hell that is her own existence, she’ll learn about friendship from the MANE SIX MINUS ONE PLUS ONE…

…In scenes that…er…um…are…guh…I hate to admit this as a “manly man”, but…honestly pretty heartwarming.

(Scene where Applejack helps Sci-Twi and gets hugged at the end.)

(Sniffle…hic…) They’re not tears, damnit! It’s liquid pride! …The same thing happened to me in a grade school free-throw contest! I’M NOT MADE OF STONE!

So buckle in for the most irresponsible and dangerous-to-students intramural competition this side of the Tri-Wizard Tourney as the school instructors require the students to…

Race in a roller-derby without railings and sharp turns…

Fire actual arrows with lethal heads in an arena where students are seated behind the targets…

Nearly kill each other in a motocross race when some of them likely aren’t old enough to even own licenses…

And summon magic energy strong enough to destroy reality in a fight to the death!

Try to stifle your laughter as the idea that has totally failed at this point, FLASH SENTRY, struggles to find a purpose for being there…

…In a plot that literally wrote a device to give SPIKE THE DOG the power of speech so he could figure more into it.

(Scene where Derpy walks up to him.)

That’s right, Derpy. Welcome him into the “Background Pony Herd”.

AND…

Learn the most valuable lesson of all in the modern world about friendship…

(Scene where Midnight Sparkle begins to annihilate the world.)

Don’t torment that one nerdy social outcast in your class, because one day they will snap and go on a psychotic rampage at school.

STARRING…

White Chick… (Rarity)

Rainbow Brite… (Rainbow Dash)

It’s Flutters! (“That’s me!”) (Fluttershy)

Green Arrowjack… (Applejack in her archery outfit)

Schizophrenia… (Pinkie Pie when her pupils slowly move away from each other for no reason…)

Who was that guy? (Flash Sentry)

Reverse Vinyl… (Lemon Zest)

The lost emotion from “Inside Out”: Sarcasm… (Sour Sweet)

Captain Obvious… (Sugarcoat)

Uh…Character-Only-in-Plot-for-Sci-Twi-to-Fall-On-Getting-Out-of-Bus…? (Sunny Flare)

Hey, that’s ‘Sango’ from “Inuyasha”! (Indigo Zap)

Gregory Peck…er… (Principal Cinch)

That’s So Raven… (Midnight Sparkle)

AND…Ultimate Madoka! (Daydream Shimmer)

MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC ~ EQUESTRIA GIRLS: RETURN OF THE JEDI!

(End Credits Scene)

TWILIGHT: I’m so sorry I didn’t get here sooner! I didn’t get your messages until just now because I was caught in this time-travel loop and-

GAH! Stop spoiling the Season Five finale! It’s not my fault you took forever to get it out!

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