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(The following is a knock-off of “Honest Trailers”, which is by Screen Junkies on Youtube. Go watch them for great “Honest Trailers”.)

(I finally got a chance to see this for the first time! And since it’s unlikely the actual “Honest Trailers” will ever do this, I might as well…)

The defunct company RANKIN-BASS has been immortalized for the love people have for their extremely crappily-made-and-animated holiday specials (“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, “Frosty the Snowman”), vaguely recalled by nerds prior to Peter Jackson coming into the limelight (“The Hobbit”), and praised for only getting a single TV series past one season (“Thundercats”)…

Now…watch the one very well-done movie they made which, as a result, bombed at the box office and went unremembered for years…

“THE LAST UNICORN”

The year is 1982…and it will still be seven more years before Disney animated films finally “get their groove back” with “The Little Mermaid” following the death of Walt…

So go back to the era where numerous companies who were influenced by Japan making animated films for adults as well as children tried to rise to fill the power vacuum…

With mostly negative results that eventually solidly plunged Western animation back into “just-for-kids” territory. (“Heavy Metal”, “American Pop”, “The Secret of N.I.M.H.”)

Watch as one animated company attempts to corner the fairy tale market…

Only to find that Disney already owns the rights to all the “good” ones…forcing them to rely on more recent material no one’s thought of making into a film yet.

Join…

Um…

Er…

A unicorn…

(Yeah, she doesn’t get a name.)

As she leaves the comfort and safety of her native forest to go on a quest…

To tackle every theme that other American animated movies have thought were too “mature” to show little children.

Like…

Having to choose between changing your fundamental nature to survive or to risk your life by staying true to who you are…

Sometimes the price of a happy ending will be your own personal happiness…

What people see in the world is more of a reflection of themselves than what things truly are…

Mankind measures their worth and value by their capability to dominate and control the natural world…

And…

You can’t make women happy.

(When the unicorn is chased by the Red Bull) “Do something!”

(After saving the unicorn by turning her into a human) “What have you done? What have you done?!”

(When going to turn her BACK into a unicorn) “Schmendrick, let her stay the way she is! Let her be!”

(The prince after slaying the dragon) “I’ve tried everything to get her to notice me!”

Guys are forever. That’s all I’m sayin’…

When not weaving her way through complex symbolism, she’ll go on a desperate journey to save the rest of her species from a proto-Balrog known as the RED BULL…

A monster whose confusing set of rules and powers include sometimes being a red cloud and sometimes being a big monster…somehow being under the dominion of an old miser although he can’t even get to him…somehow being able to find all the unicorns except for the one in the title and keeping them hiding in the sea even when he’s not there…and not being able to tell when a human is really a unicorn…uh…except when he can…

And his keeper, the cruel and demented KING HAGGARD…

The ultimate “Creepy Old Man” in that he doesn’t let anyone into his house…kidnaps small children for his personal use…never cuts his hair or changes his clothes…and has a creepy obsession with unicorns.

Along the way, she’ll be joined by a host of fantasy film stereotypes, including…

PRINCE LIR, a dashing, chivalrous, Prince Valiant type (Madmartigan in “Willow”, Colwyn in “Krull”, Jack in “Legend”)…

SCHMENDRICK, a wizard who’s bad at magic (Willow in “Willow”, Ergo in “Krull”, Galen in “Dragonslayer”)…

MOLLY, a character pretty much there to spend 90% of the time brow-beating the other protagonists (Finn Razel in “Willow”, Valerian in “Dragonslayer”, Archimedes in “The Sword and the Stone”)…

And a BUTTERFLY, a pointless anthropomorphic animal who’s more annoying than helpful/relevant (Pick one…).

Behold the magic of a film that managed to create a strong female protagonist years before Disney came close, who ended up not even being human, as the unicorn…

Bravely leaves everything she’s ever known behind to venture into the great unknown for the sake of her brethren…

Shows empathy even for creatures that would kill her if they could…

Keeps her cool in talking others through crisis situations…

Learns that the well-being for her race as a whole is worth sacrificing her own personal, fleeting joy…

Drives a flaming red bull over five times bigger than her into the sea and kills it without the help of the hunky prince…

And only becomes a weaker and more useless character AFTER she’s been turned into an attractive fairy princess.

(Ooo…burn on Disney. Mrs. Frisby…give this gal a “high paw”.)

Enjoy the wonder of one of the few American animated films clearly for adults ever made…that didn’t try to “prove” it was for adults by degenerating into a gory, sex-filled bloodbath…

(Sarcastic) Because, you know, that’s the only thing adults ever watch. (Eye roll)

And make Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass roll over in their graves at watching an acclaimed movie beloved by thousands of cult fans yet made less than 5% of the gross of “Home on the Range”…

And would probably be considered a cinematic masterpiece by everyone if four little words had been added to the title:

“A Studio Ghibli Production”.

Seriously. They make some movie about two kids running around with basically a giant stuffed animal for 60 minutes and it’s considered the most epic movie ever to come out of Japan. They make a movie about a witch who temporarily loses the ability to fly on a broom and it’s a classic for all time. This one actually mixes some universal themes with action, darkness, and emotion and everyone is all “meh”…

STARRING…

Kevin Flynn Rider… (Prince Lir)

Bram Stoker’s Dracula… (King Haggard)

Gives You Wings… (The Red Bull)

Flogging Molly… (Molly Crue)

Blue Mage Class Description… (Schmendrick)

Still a Better Mommy than She Played in “The Manchurian Candidate”… (Mommy Fortuna)

And…a rhinoceros! (The unicorn)

“THE LAST MASTERPIECE…RANKIN-BASS EVER MADE”

(Harpy boobs… Tree cleavage… Two characters getting rent apart and killed by a monster… Red-eyed talking skull… Flaming red bull… Nude “Amalthea”…)

…This movie is rated G?! I know I’ve said modern kids are lightweights, but…but…but DAMN!

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