Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(The following is a ripoff of “Smoosh Games” as well as “Screen Junkies”, with the latter involved in making “Honest Trailers” for movies and the former involved in doing the same for video games. Both of them are great, funny, and voiced by Jon Bailey’s epic voice, so make sure to check them all out on YouTube.)

(So many games out there to do Honest Trailers for and, considering they spend most of their time on recent releases, they’ll never get to all of them. That leaves me free to do this one! SPOILERS!)

You’ve played UNDERTALE, one of the most popular independently-developed video games in history…

Now, journey back in time to the year 1994, when HAL Laboratory and Ape…

The game developers who specialize in leeching off the success of the Pokemon franchise…

Created its “spiritual grandfather”…

EARTHBOUND!

In an era when Squaresoft was dominating the RPG world with games that were colorful, stylized, and full of light-hearted fantasy fun… (“Final Fantasy VI”, “Secret of Evermore”, “Chrono Trigger”)

Play an RPG that’s crudely styled, set in the modern day, and is one of the darker and creepier entries put out for the SNES!

Join NESS…

A generic, voiceless, JRPG protagonist…

As he embarks on an epic quest to save the world from…pretty much everything!

Including…

Dirty police officers… (Onett Police Force)

Religious cults… (The Happy-Happy Cult)

Political corruption… (Montoni in Fourside)

Aliens… (Starmen and robots)

Zombies… (Zombies in Threed)

Ancient sea monsters… (The Kraken)

Evil statues… (The Mani-Mani statues)

Dinosaurs… (Dinos in Lost Underworld)

Animate piles of vomit… (Master Belch/Barf)

Indiana Jones fodder… (The enemies in Scaraba)

Ents… (The evil tree enemies)

Old ladies… (The various bag lady enemies)

Theater managers… (The guys who keep holding the Runway Five to their debt)

Gas pumps… (Gas pump enemies)

Coffee… (The coffee cup enemies)

Um…ennui…? (The woman who sells Magic Tarts stuck in the Stoic Club)

And even molecules! (Mr. Molecule)

To succeed, he’ll pair up with three chosen ones:

PAULA…

A character who takes women-in-JRPG stereotypes to a whole new low by only wearing pink dresses and bows, fighting with purses, frying pans, and teddy bears, and getting captured by the villains…twice…

POO…

An appropriately named character because he’s good for sh’t…

And JEFF!

A character who is apparently a super genius yet, unlike his dim-witted companions, can’t use psychic powers…proving that just because your brain is advanced enough to use telekinesis doesn’t mean you’re smart…

But who cares! Because he can blow away any boss with a Multi-Bottle Rocket!

(…Which, for some reason, does more damage than a Heavy Bazooka.)

Watch as these four friends connected by destiny are forced to stand together to combat the ultimate evil!

Not the enemies or bosses; I’m talking about the game developers! 

Shudder in horror as they terrorize you with awful features such as…

Incredibly low inventory space…

Status conditions you can’t heal…

Few save points…

Items you can’t get rid of…

Worthless pizza delivery…

Phones that only take incoming calls…

Enemies that blow up when you kill them…

Enemies that replicate more than Agent Smith in “The Matrix” movies…

Useless inventory-stealing condiments that NEVER go with what food you have on you…

Useless “Flying Men” allies…and only getting three of them to begin with…

Forcing you to reset the game when you get caught in inescapable areas because you didn’t level grind enough…

Needing to get to ATMs to get money rather than just having the enemies cough it up when you kill them like a NORMAL RPG…

Characters leaving your group at random and taking all of your Cups of Lifenoodles with them because you put them in their inventory(!)…

And…

(BLEEP)DAMN HOMESICKNESS.

(Damnit, Ness! Stop whining like a little wuss and take it like a man! You fight off zombies, aliens, and dinosaurs but what shakes you up is you can’t get a good steak?)

Enter a revolutionary “modern world” RPG in which the fantasy element has been replaced by modern day equivalents, such as:

Using fast food restaurants and drug stores instead of item shops!

Delivery services instead of magic item-storing creatures!

Bats and guns instead of swords and bows!

Hotels instead of inns! Um…that one’s kind of the same.

Psychic powers instead of magic powers! Uh, wait…not that one.

Magic charms instead of magic accessories! Er…not that one either.

Mystical interplanetary guiding mentors instead of mystical interplanetary…uh, no…

Undead monsters instead of unde…no, not that either…

Giant reptile monsters inste…er…

Strange fantasy races…ugh…

(Ok, maybe it still is a standard RPG.)

Prepare to face the ultimate evil as you adjust your ball cap and power up with a fresh cookie, and go into battle against horrible, nightmarish foes…

That you have a sinking suspicion were picked at random out of a first grader’s coloring book!

Like…

A giant ant…

A giant mole…

A statue…

A giant mushroom…

Another giant mole…

A giant rat…

Another statue…

And…PORKY!

A fat, lazy, slow, weak, pile of cowardice who spends the first part of the game hiding behind Ness, trash talking, whimpering, and only insulting Ness when he’s at a safe distance and in mid-escape…

Only to turn into the most loathsome, despised, demonic hellspawn surrounded by impervious plot armor in gaming history by the finale!

(Ganondorf…Comstock…SHODAN… Heh, Porky makes those bitches eat their own children for his amusement. Fat bastard…)

So buckle in for a deceptively cute game that contains severe amounts of existentialism and creepy, dark material that will have you bracing yourself, level-grinding, and gearing up for each brutal, maze-like, punishing dungeon…

Only to find you don’t have enough inventory space for restorative items, forcing you to sell a lot of your things…

Only to find you can’t sell them, so you call up your sister so you can have her delivery service store them for you…

Only to find that the delivery service isn’t storing anything else, so you start selling off every item you think is the most useless that you have stored to make room over multiple phone calls…

Only to go halfway through the damn dungeon before some bullsh’t enemy hits you with some status effect that you can’t remove and the one thing you had that could remove it you stored at the delivery service, which you can’t call up again because you are nowhere near a phone, so you have to backtrack through the first half of the dungeon back to the nearest town while getting your ass handed to you by every f***ing enemy you can’t run from, get the item, use it, then head back…

Only to get this f***ing close to getting out of the dungeon when some stupid little mushroom f***tard puts a mushroom on your head that nothing can heal so you have to walk all the way back to town AGAIN and find this creepy old bastard loitering around in the hospital lobby who will pay you to take it off your head (That’s right, you give me that $50 bill, you bastard game…)…

And then start heading back out for the THIRD DAMN TIME…only to realize you forgot to call your mom when Ness suddenly vaporlocks in battle.

(@#&*#$&!@*%?^&@*^)^*@#$#*%@?#^*!#$(%()@*&(^ HOMESICKNESS!!!)

STARRING…

That one character in “Super Smash Bros.” you didn’t recognize… (Ness)

Paul-ly Pocket… (Paula)

Dexter, boy genius… (Jeff)

His parents must have hated him… (Poo)

Eric Cartman… (Porky)

Jerry Seinfeld… (Buzz Buzz)

Dr. Wily… (Dr. Andonuts)

Hurl… (Master Belch/Barf)

Steve Jobs… (Apple Kid)

An evil lawn jockey… (Mani-Mani statue)

Blues Brothers 199X… (The Runaway Five)

David Bowie… (Diamond Dog)

Child masochism… (The bit where Poo has to let the spirit violently rip him up)

Child porn… (Ness running around nude in his consciousness)

The fourth wall can’t save you… (You destroying the final boss)

And…an aborted fetus! (Giygas)

MOTHER-F***ED UP!

(…Damnit, it’s been three minutes. Where the hell is my pizza? Forget this, I’ll just head inside and get some money to go get some Double Hamburgers.)

[As soon as walks through door, gets phone call from “Mach Pizza” cancelling the order]

((BLEEP)DAMNIT! You totally did NOT look for me, you mustached bastard!)

[Scene where the cameraman takes a picture of you toward the end.]

(I’d be kind of freaked out but…at the same time, considering the way this game has gone, I wouldn’t be completely surprised if the credits actually have a picture of me in them.)

 

Advertisements