Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As always, this is a shameless knockoff of “Cinema Sins” and you should check out their vast collection on Youtube. They’re hilarious if you don’t mind nitpicking.

I know full well the actual Cinema Sins is going to tackle this next July when the all-female reboot of the original “Ghostbusters” comes out. So before that gets here, I need to beat them to the punch. Enjoy!

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“Ghostbusters II”

In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.

SPOILERS!

(duh)

(Opening “FIVE YEARS LATER”)

Wow…I know there’s a “scary” element to the Ghostbusters’ movies, but I think it just thought it was a Kubrick film for a moment.

SIN COUNT: 1

(Slime oozes from the crack in the pavement)

Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously. The lion statue outside the New York Public Library was more intimidating.

SIN COUNT: 2

Also, this highlights one of the biggest problems of the movie and we’re ten seconds into the film. Namely the slime is oozing up through every nook, cranny, and crevasse in the entire island of Manhattan, and yet the only people who ever notice it the entire movie are the Ghostbusters.

SIN COUNT: 3

In the first of many slams on New Yorkers in this film, people just stop and stare at out of control baby carriage or simply honk their horns at it rather than try and stop it. Stupid helpless babies constantly throwing themselves in front of my cab… I’ve got a meeting in five!

SIN COUNT: 4

What exactly was Vigo’s plan by swiping Oscar’s baby carriage? He brings him right to where the slime is the most concentrated and then…what? He waits for traffic to kill his human sacrifice? He tries to tunnel the slime through the pavement to grab him? Pointless carriage possession is pointless.

SIN COUNT: 5

Also, no title. Just this Ghostbusters logo holding up two fingers.

SIN COUNT: 6

Later we find out although the Ghostbusters aren’t allowed to actually bust ghosts anymore, this equipment they’re bringing in is still fully operational. I’m starting to see how they got slammed with so many lawsuits.

SIN COUNT: 7

KID AT PARTY: Aw, I thought it was gonna be He-Man!

OTHER KIDS: Yeah!

This movie came out in 1989. “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” ran its last episode in 1985, one year after the original “Ghostbusters” movie came out, while “The Real Ghostbusters” had been running since 1986 and wouldn’t end until 1991. So…screw you, movie kids. You’d be going apesh’t over the Ghostbusters being there.

SIN COUNT: 8

(Winston’s exposition on how the Ghostbusters ended up in their current state.)

Exposition.

SIN COUNT: 9

Also, this illustrates another problem with the movie. In the first movie, the Ghostbusters literally saved the world from a Sumerian demon and yet still ended up getting prosecuted by everyone in New York for the damage Gozer did and Peck caused by shutting off their power grid. There’s no way they aren’t going to get sued back into the Stone Age at the end of this one. Plus, another New Yorker slam.

SIN COUNT: 10

Egon is still allowed to conduct psychology and parapsychology studies? Granted, he’s so smart he probably never should have not been allowed to, but he was supposed to be black-balled after the last movie.

SIN COUNT: 11

MILTON ANGLAND: I have a strong…psychic…belief…that the world will end on…New Year’s Eve.

Unfortunately, the fallout from the Ghostbusters ruining his psychic prediction caused Milton to lapse into a psychic depression that could only be cured by moving to California, getting married and having a son that acted like Shia LeBeouf, and buying small dogs that enjoyed humping each other.

SIN COUNT: 12

VENKMAN: Of course not. And that’s the trouble with aliens: you just can’t trust them. Occasionally you run into a nice one… Starman… E.T…. But usually they end up being some kind of big lizard!

It almost brings a tear to my eye watching Bill Murray trying to make a silk purse out of the sow’s ear that is this script.

SIN COUNT: 13

PRODUCER: No respected psychic will come on the show. They think you’re a fraud.

There’s such a thing as respected psychics? Like who? Miss Cleo?

SIN COUNT: 14

HARDEMEYER: And the last thing we need is for him to be associated with two-bit frauds and publicity hounds like you and your friends.

You DID notice the 300 foot marshmallow man that attacked New York City five years ago, right? Did everyone just assume they made a giant inflatable suit and then dump marshmallow over a few blocks? Why does everyone keep thinking the Ghostbusters are somehow fakes? What stops them from thinking they’re fakes again at the end of this film?

SIN COUNT: 15

Also, discount Walter Peck. Apparently William Atherton was still sore about random pedestrians calling him “Dickless”.

SIN COUNT: 16

JANOSZ: (After feeling through Dana’s hair, making an excuse) Little…white thing…

Workplace sexual harassment.

SIN COUNT: 17

EGON: “Let’s see what happens when we take away the puppy.”

Sadism is funny.

SIN COUNT: 18

RAY: (Breaking under torture) Dana Barrett!

VENKMAN: My Dana Barrett?

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but when this movie pretty much just flushes down everything from the first one over the course of five years…it happens. This movie does the old romantic comedy playbook example of the two who obviously like each other but broke up because the guy turned into a jerk getting back together even though guy has no indication of not turning into a jerk again. And if you take the XBox 360/PS3 game as canon, that’s exactly what happens after this movie.

SIN COUNT: 19

(Egon and Ray’s examination of Oscar and Venkman playing with him)

Pretty sad when the bulk of the smiles you’ll get from this movie is a baby being a baby during scenes like this.

SIN COUNT: 20

VENKMAN: So whatever happened to “Mr. Right” anyway?

I’m not sure what’s the bigger sin here. That the one musician who briefly appeared in “Ghostbusters” ended up with Dana, making it a good thing he was in that one scene for no reason, or the fact that Peter being fearful Dana would pair with him in the first movie is now justified.

SIN COUNT: 21

VENKMAN: But you’re excited now because Mama’s here to get your stool sample!

DANA: …Stool sample?

VENKMAN: Yeah…

Working in a fecal-related joke involving a baby in a late-80s flick? That’s a sinning.

SIN COUNT: 22

(Mention of the “Ga-Ga Meter”)

People think Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis had slime-on-the-brain writing this movie. Maybe they had babies.

SIN COUNT: 23

It takes the police the better part of the day to notice the Ghostbusters tunneling right through the middle of the street and to start questioning them about it. Now the movie is slamming the NYPD. Plus forget their numerous lawsuits…I’m surprised the Ghostbusters haven’t been arrested yet when they pretty much just destroy property whenever.

SIN COUNT: 24

Also, they had to have done this sort of thing before considering the fact they’re all outfitted to impersonate city workers with all working gear.

SIN COUNT: 25

Max Von Syndow, infamous for playing a priest battling demonic possession, is now playing the voice of the demonic “possessee”.

SIN COUNT: 26

VIGO: On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood.

Vigo’s not being literal, is he? Because all of that is pretty much impossible.

SIN COUNT: 27

Also, villain clearly inspired by Vlad Tepes AKA Vlad the Impaler AKA inspiration for Count Dracula looks absolutely nothing like any of those.

SIN COUNT: 28

RAY: SLIME! It’s a river of slime!

Yup, that’s why people turned out to see the first movie. Not the concept, not the effects, not the humor, not the scares…no, it was the slime. Everyone loved the first movie for the slime. So that’s our new star.

SIN COUNT: 29

(When slime tentacles reach for Ray)

And every hentai artist in Japan was struck with inspiration.

SIN COUNT: 30

Also, movie makes pink slime an antagonist years before McDonalds.

SIN COUNT: 31

(When Ray breaks the power line)

That’s right, the entire city of New York was plugged into that one power line.

SIN COUNT: 32

(Louis appears)

Aw, they drug poor Rick Moranis back into this, didn’t they?

SIN COUNT: 33

And they made him the Ghostbusters lawyer/accountant…somehow…

SIN COUNT: 34

I guess Winston just showed up for moral support. And Hardemeyer came for moral erosion.

SIN COUNT: 35

Why are the Ghostbusters only getting a bench trial? I suppose there could be some sort of civil law in New York City that rules that they don’t need a jury, but I’m going to rule it’s simply because they needed a reason to only compel a single individual to revoke the restraining order in a few minutes.

SIN COUNT: 36

VENKMAN: Kitten…I’m saying sometimes sh’t happens, someone’s got to deal with it, and who you gonna call?

Roll cred…no wait.

SIN COUNT: 37

The crowd also cheers this on because “Yay, vigilantism! Screw the traffic obstructions and the fact you cut power to all of the hospitals, subways, and traffic stops in Manhattan simultaneously, likely causing numerous injuries and death, because sometimes you have to take the law into your own hands!”

SIN COUNT: 38

Evil slime takes your anger and uses it to make ghosts. If you honestly can’t tell why that sentence alone is sin-worthy, why are you reading this?

SIN COUNT: 39

JUDGE: Oh my god! The Scoleri brothers!

How does the judge know that? Does he actually recognize these butt-ugly ghosts enough to deduce how they looked like when they were alive? Or were these two just grossly deformed?

SIN COUNT: 40

It sure is a good thing the Scoleri brothers decided to take a break from poltergeist-ing long enough for the Ghostbusters to get their old equipment back on.

SIN COUNT: 41

I’m not sure who is more stupid in this scene. The Scoleri brothers for hovering around being big clear targets just waiting to be zapped and trapped, or the Ghostbusters for not being able to blast them when they’re right in front of them for several moments.

SIN COUNT: 42

VENKMAN: (To crowd) We’re the best…we’re the beautiful…we’re the only Ghostbusters!

It’s a good thing all this slime showed up when it did to start spawning ghosts, because obviously ghost-busting-demand has been at an all-time low if circumstances hadn’t necessitated the return of the Ghostbusters until now. And, in yet ANOTHER problem this movie makes, what are they going to do once Vigo is gone?

SIN COUNT: 43

And this movie started the late-80s, early-90s need to be “hip” in movies by remixing every classic theme song as a rap. That’s worth two sins.

SIN COUNT: 45

How bad are the Ghostbusters at their job if they can’t bust Slimer when he pretty much hangs out where they live?

SIN COUNT: 46

This whole bit with balancing all the crystals and stuff during the montage makes me wonder how come the Ghostbusters haven’t been sued back into bankruptcy before it ends. These guys do WAY more damage than the ghosts they bust do.

SIN COUNT: 47

VENKMAN: …Mood slime.

He said it, not me. Venkman is great at Cinema Sins.

SIN COUNT: 48

You can see the little spring-loaded pivots making the toaster dance.

SIN COUNT: 49

JANOSZ: (Referring to Vigo’s painting) He was a very powerful magician, Dr. Venkman. And…a genius, in many ways.

DANA: He was also a lunatic and a genocidal madman. I hate this painting.

You can understand Janosz, but are all temp worker art cleaners required to know an extensive back-history on the subjects of painting they’re not even working on?

SIN COUNT: 50

(Dana and Venkman see Janosz talking to Vigo)

And somehow not only do the Ghostbusters never put the connection together, but Janosz still has his job. In the first movie, while they knew a bit about Gozer, things really didn’t come to a head necessitating action on the part of the Ghostbusters until a period of less than 24 hours. Here the Ghostbusters know about it for days and kind of just sit on it.

SIN COUNT: 51

(After Dana flees with Oscar to Venkman’s)

Alright, at this point, if I was Dana Barrett, I would just plain get the hell out of Dodge…or, in this case, New York City. Obviously the powers that be have decreed that you cannot live in this city without attracting unwanted demonic attention.

SIN COUNT: 52

RAY: And dig this, there was a prophecy. Just before his head died, he said…

You can’t say anything if your head isn’t attached to your lungs.

SIN COUNT: 53

The parts of the movie that are between Dana and Peter are really well done and have some nice chemistry for a romantic comedy. That would work if this movie was a romantic comedy because so much time is devoted to it. Since it’s a sci-fi/fantasy/horror comedy, on the other hand, they’re dull.

SIN COUNT: 54

(Scenes with Janine and Louis)

Ok, one might say this is a little bit of a nitpick…but any kid watching this movie in 1989 was a fan of “The Real Ghostbusters”, and anyone who was a fan of “The Real Ghostbusters” knew that there’s only room for one shipping before the word “shipping” even existed, and that’s Egon/Janine. The filmmakers knew enough to put Slimer in the firehouse and they knew enough to put the pairing back in the XBox 360/PS3 video game, so they have no excuse.

SIN COUNT: 55

If Vigo can manifest himself at any time around where the Ghostbusters are, why didn’t he wait until they were asleep to start the fire? Why didn’t he send out a legion of ghosts from the slime they’re obsessively collecting? Why not set their clothes on fire? Can he only manipulate things that have his image on them?

SIN COUNT: 56

Did no one else notice the river of slime prior to the Ghostbusters trying to find it again? Did they somehow “lose it”? Did no one fixing their hole notice it?

SIN COUNT: 57

Until now, every last ghost in this film has been tangible and capable of moving physical objects. Yet the one ghost that would have killed three of the Ghostbusters right here and now, an actual ghost train, is just vapor.

SIN COUNT: 58

EGON: You know how much negative energy would be necessary to generate a flow this size?

WINSTON: Hey, New York! What a town!

That’s right, viewers at home. New York City is pretty much Pandemonium on Earth.

SIN COUNT: 59

(Scene where slime river grabs the anchor)

Did they really expect this not to happen after constantly being reminded that the slime can come to life and take physical shape? Or at least that the river wouldn’t spit out ghosts at them?

SIN COUNT: 60

EGON: And it’s all flowing…right to this spot. (Looks to Art Museum)

You know, maybe…just MAYBE mind you…there’s some connection between Vigo and the slime. Yeah, it’s pretty much obvious to the six-year-olds in the audience at this point but apparently the Ghostbusters didn’t put it together 30 minutes ago so I think that’s an appropriate response.

SIN COUNT: 61

(Ghostbusters wander into restaurant still covered with slime)

Ok, that settles it. The Ghostbusters all have Asperger’s Syndrome. They have absolutely no idea how to function in human society, which is why they think not only can they destroy public property and their clients’ buildings all the time, but they can also walk into a classy restaurant wearing nothing but long underwear and slime.

SIN COUNT: 62

HARDEMEYER: This is insane! Do we really have to listen to this?

I hate to harp on the same sin, but…STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN PULLING A GODZILLA IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY FIVE YEARS AGO! Was the event so traumatic the entire city has amnesia and all reporters were too scared to put it on the news?

SIN COUNT: 63

MAYOR: Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right!

And now the New York hate has gotten so bad that the New Yorkers are actually defending their right to be assholes as a divine mandate. This movie was clearly written by people from New Jersey…or anyone who’s ever been a tourist in New York City. See, now I’m getting into it!

SIN COUNT: 64

(Ghostbusters get locked into a psychiatric ward)

(Sigh…) Look, the large amount of skeptics running around New York about the Ghostbusters being for real should have been resolved at the end of the first movie, but actually thinking they’re insane enough to commit when there are hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals in the city who can attest to genuinely seeing ghosts and having the Ghostbusters bust them makes this pointless distraction a pointless distraction.

SIN COUNT: 65

(When Ghost Janosz appears)

Wait, how did this happen? Does Vigo have the ability to turn living people temporarily into ghosts?

SIN COUNT: 66

Also, Vigo keeps saying “find me a child that I might live again”, but it was clear from the opening of the movie he had already picked Oscar, and pretty much devotes the rest of the film focusing on him. Could Vigo not use any other baby besides Oscar to possess? If he couldn’t, why did he only make three real attempts to get Oscar over what has to be a couple weeks? And one of them was rather half-assed?

SIN COUNT: 67

So after Vigo seals off the library beneath an impenetrable slime barrier, he decides to use the rest of the slime to go around spawning giant ghosts all over New York City. Why? To do a more special-effects heavy montage than the first movie, of course!

SIN COUNT: 68

Where did this gigantic ghost come from in the montage? Am I the only one who wasn’t a bit disappointed it didn’t get into a kaiju battle with the Statue of Liberty at the end?

SIN COUNT: 69

(The official that goes up to Hardemeyer saying “we can’t make a dent”)

Discount Ben Ste-WHAAAA?!

SIN COUNT: 70

Hardemeyer gets fired for having the Ghostbusters committed. Ok…why? It’s not something that couldn’t easily be undone. It’s not something that’s going to humiliate the mayor any more than waiting until now, after enduring one complete siege of New York by the paranormal and waiting forever to call the Ghostbusters, doing the exact same thing again in this movie. Really, he should have the head of Bellevue fired because he committed them simply because “the mayor’s assistant said so”.

SIN COUNT: 71

The montage happened during the night, and the mayor’s meeting takes place during the next morning until Vigo blots out the sun. So that means that Vigo had to have gone after Oscar and stuck him inside the Art Museum over a full day prior to actually needing to possess him. I suppose no reason to wait until the last minute, but this villain sure gives heroes a good length of time to formulate a strategy.

SIN COUNT: 72

RAY: It all makes sense now!

Ray is about one hour shy of catching up to the same level of plot awareness as the audience.

SIN COUNT: 73

WINSTON: I hate Jell-O.

VENKMAN: Oh come on. There’s always room for Jell-O.

And product placements. (On that note, Ecto Cooler was the sh’t. I’m so happy they’re bringing it back.)

SIN COUNT: 74

(Debuting the slime blowers)

The Ghostbusters just happen to have weapons designed to shoot good slime. That’s my theory, at any rate. They had to have just happened to have these lying around for bringing the Statue of Liberty to life. The alternative is they built these to be new weapons against ghosts. Yeah, that would work great. Either you incinerate your client’s house with the neutrino wands or you cover it in slime that will kill you if you get mad. The Ghostbusters are d***s. Not just to their clients…to society in general.

SIN COUNT: 75

The Ghostbusters are driving the Statue of Liberty with an NES Advantage controller. Coupled with this line from earlier…

LOUIS: So you want to play Boggle? Or Super Mario Bros.?

That officially made this movie the first film that ever catered to 3rd generation gamers, and I think I watched it a couple times on VHS just to get those references. One sin off.

SIN COUNT: 74

How the hell did the Statue of Liberty walk off of its pedestal? Don’t tell me it jumped off.

SIN COUNT: 75

JANOSZ: You think maybe we could…learn to love each other?

DANA: Yes…I could learn.

This works. Doesn’t do much good, but it DOES work.

SIN COUNT: 76

Did the Ghostbusters let everyone know they were going to drive the Statue of Liberty to the Art Museum to bust it open? Because if they didn’t, I’m wondering why people aren’t fleeing in terror as opposed to cheering and rejoicing. Maybe they all think it’s something they cooked up for the ball drop in Times Square this year.

SIN COUNT: 77

(When Vigo starts possessing Oscar)

That is going to be one ass-ugly baby.

SIN COUNT: 78

The Statue of Liberty is able to look in through the skyline, yet outside the building the statue is standing off to one side.

SIN COUNT: 79

Also, if you switched on the Turbo function on that controller, would the statue beat the art museum into dust so long as Ray holds down the B button?

SIN COUNT: 80

I don’t normally pick on continuity errors, but in between where Vigo blasts all the Ghostbusters down and finds Oscar, he must have passed through a humid spot because his hair has a serious case of the frizzies.

SIN COUNT: 81

Where is the Statue of Liberty in the exterior shots of the Art Museum?

SIN COUNT: 82

Vigo is defeated by New Yorkers joining together and singing. Villain has the same weakness as the second Care Bears movie villain.

SIN COUNT: 83

The Ghostbusters’ powerful good slime is able to negate the power of an entire river worth of corrupted evil slime. That’s right…slime is both the hero AND the villain of this movie. Maybe the evil slime just needed a little love. Maybe the evil slime just got traumatized by the death of its wife and Darth Sideous used the opportunity to tempt it to the Dark Side.

SIN COUNT: 84

Ok…everything else in this movie I’ve swallowed up until now, but how in the heck did Vigo’s portrait turn into this Renaissance era of the four Ghostbusters? Vigo obviously didn’t do it. Was there another ghost in that painting trying to be cute? Don’t tell me the slime knows how to paint now.

SIN COUNT: 85

I’m guessing the Statue of Liberty just fell over as soon as the Ghostbusters stopped driving it. Maybe they’d like to ruin Mount Rushmore next. Have it tear up Crazy Horse Monument or something…

SIN COUNT: 86

FINAL COUNT: 86

SENTENCE: SLIME (“That’s great! I mean…that’s terrible!”)

(Scene where Vigo first reveals himself to Janosz)

VIGO: Listen to me…

OZ(V.O.): I…am…OZ! The Great and Powerful!

Advertisements