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(The following is a ripoff of “Smoosh Games” as well as “Screen Junkies”, with the latter involved in making “Honest Trailers” for movies and the former involved in doing the same for video games. Both of them are great, funny, and voiced by Jon Bailey’s epic voice, so make sure to check them all out on YouTube.)

*WARNING! SPOILERS!*

From KAZUKI NAKASHIMA…

The writer “who never does anything halfway”…

Comes an original anime series which you have the sinking suspicion was the result of someone handing him the script for a hentai and making a bet that he couldn’t turn it into something good…

 And…who probably now owes him 20,000 yen. Well played.

“KILL LA KILL”

Enter the man-made island fortress of HONNOUJI ACADEMY…where the motto is “all the cliques and pecking orders of High School with none of the education”…

Where the popular students are quickly manipulated by a rich and powerful parent in charge of the student committees to rise to the top and be groomed for success while the lesser students face constant humiliation, dehumanization, harassment, and abuse at the hands of their social peers…

…In other words, it’s normal high school.

 Watch as the most monolithic student body in history…

(Shot of the numerous times the One-Star Students have been shown to all be identical)

Fights to the death for the privilege of doing what Catholic Schools have been forcing kids to do kicking and screaming for years…wearing uniforms!

But not just any uniforms…GOKU UNIFORMS!

(Shot of Son Goku’s infamous gi.)

Yeah, you wish. More like this.

(Shot of a One-Star uniform.)

Uniforms that combine all the awesomeness of a suit made by Tony Stark with all the fashion sense of a suit worn by Dr. Evil…

In a horrific plot by El Class Presidente…

SATSUKI KIRYUIN!

A literal magnificent bastard… 

To violently subjugate and dominate all other school districts worldwide using Naziesque Blitzkrieg tactics and bring them all under the dominion of one true dress code!

…Which honestly sounds really lame, but somehow they make it work.

There’s only one girl who stands in her way…

RYUKO MATOI!

A student blessed with the power of an endless blood supply…

(Numerous times in the series she’s given off literal blood showers.)

And the bravery to live with a family of voyeurs…

(Numerous times the Mankanshokus have ogled her.)

She alone possesses the courage and fortitude to rise up and challenge the might of SATSUKI’S raw “glower power”…and the determination to never rest until she has made her fall!

…And, as a result, gets beaten to a bloody pulp in the first fifteen minutes of the anime.

But after that…WATCH as she uncovers the secret of the ultimate Sailor Senshi outfit, SENKETSU, and does the Japanese anime equivalent of shouting “By the Power of Grayskull”, to transform into…

(Shot of Ryuko wearing Senketsu)

Uh…wow.

To, uh…transform into…

Uh…ahem…

To transform into…er…well…an odd cross between a Gundam and a piece of BDSM lingerie…I think!

Cheer as she uses the power of the most impractical piece of clothing since the toe sock to run around slicing up people’s clothing with a giant half of a pair of scissors, spreading nakedness and fear into the hearts of all who dare oppose her!

As RYUKO struggles to survive in a world so overrun with perverts that the best boyfriend for her is an inanimate piece of cloth that’s secretly a bloodsucking parasite…

(Scenes of Ryuko hugging Senketsu)

Her only chance of survival will be regular transfusions of magical friendship from her adopted-sister-friend-toadie-groupie-cheerleader-stalker-dumbass-in-distress thing…

(All of Mako’s Hallelujah Chorus moments)

As she stands alone against the might of SATSUKI’s ELITE FOUR…Henchman Tropes!

Including…

The meathead about justice…

The egotistical techie…

The comically-profane-child-like one with a Napoleon complex…

AND…

The one that carries a bamboo sword. (That one’s, like, a law if you have a high school in anime.)

And brace yourself for a climactic battle between RYUKO and SATSUKI to ultimately decide what is greater…friendship vs. domination…reckless passion vs. cold methodology…chaos vs. order…emotion vs. logic…with nothing less than the future of the next generation on the line!

…Until, at the last second, the writers decided that’s been done enough and pull a Hijacked by Ganon.

So…

FORGET ABOUT THAT FIRST PLOT…and instead brace yourself as the real villain both literally and figuratively takes center stage…

RAGYO KIRYUIN!

A character so flamboyant even Lady Gaga would say: “Aren’t you overdoing it a tad?”…

So demented that even the Joker would say: “Lady, please stop smiling all the time. It’s creepy.”…

And such a horrible parent that even Medusa from “Soul Eater” would say: “A three-way with your daughters? You need help.”

And shudder as she unveils a horrible shocking truth…

Namely that a giant intergalactic ball of string that’s essentially Cthulhu is responsible for human evolution and inspired mankind to start wearing clothes so that they could one day kill them and feed off of their brain waves to grow strong enough to conquer other worlds, and she’s heading up the world’s biggest clothing outlet to ensure everyone on Earth is wearing an evil set of underpants.

(So it’s basically the plot to “Halloween III: Season of the Witch”. Smart move picking the one no one would remember.)

When the world is brought to its knees by a plot that takes itself far more seriously than you would think, RYUKO must rise up as mankind’s last hope against a Made-in-Vietnam brand apocalypse…

And summarily…

  • GET BEATEN SENSELESS… (Satsuki, Rui, and Ragyo)
  • LOSE HER GREATEST ADVANTAGE… (Rui chopping Senketsu to bits)
  • HAVE HER HEART LITERALLY RIPPED OUT OF HER CHEST AND SHOWN TO HER… (First meeting with Ragyo)
  • GROW MOODY, SURLY, AND DEPRESSED… (Her angry rants following all of this)

And finally…

  • GET BRAINWASHED INTO BEING THE VILLAIN’S SEX SLAVE. (Ugh…)

So when the protagonist is taken out with the wash, get ready to settle for SATSUKI instead, who decides if she can’t be the antagonist she’ll be an even better protagonist, as she:

  • Proves to be both a more competent leader and faithful friend than Ryuko…
  • Secretly amasses a resistance right under her mother’s nose over the course of 17 years while appearing perfectly loyal…
  • Has more secret contingency plans under her sleeve than a box full of Doctor Dooms…
  • Patiently endures a lifetime of sexual molestation without ever breaking…
  • Covertly causes Ryuko to master using Senketsu by selectively goading her, all the while secretly protecting both her and her students…
  • Passes along secret messages to her followers after being beaten, stripped, humiliated and hung by a chain for two weeks and escapes from the same imprisonment using nothing but her toenails
  • Telegraphs every single act of her inevitable Heel-Turn-Face from the first episode by having a double-meaning on everything she has been saying and doing… (“Fear is freedom! Subjugation is liberation! Contradiction is truth!”)
  • And…only manages to fight Ryuko to a draw…while wearing a god uniform that was not only trying to seize control of her the entire time but was literally eating her alive every second she wore it.

(That settles it. Our hero is THIS girl. Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Satsuki.) 

Buckle in for a series so ridiculously rife with nudity, gore, explicit content, and NC-17 material that you’ll feel more uncomfortable than Mako wearing Senketsu when it somehow manages to also have things such as:

  • An engaging plot…
  • Awesome action sequences…
  • Kick-ass music…
  • And…actual heartwarming moments…?

(Mako breaking down after the fight with Ryuko; Ryuko grudgingly calling Satsuki “sister” for the first time)

And, in spite of being “South Park Movie Level” disgusting, is…surprisingly…a story about rising past a painful, tragic background and finding not only your place in the world but a loving family in the most unlikely of places.

(This…this is awkward… I feel like I’m eating a really awesome Kobe beef hamburger, only it’s on a bun made of pressed maggots…)

And puzzle over whether this entire series was really a piece of nudist propaganda…

Or the most clever way ever conceived to desensitize mankind to nude women!

(Sniffle) Ryuko and Satsuki are hugging… This is so precious! …Huh? They’re both lying on top of a giant mound of naked bodies? …What do you know.

STARRING…

Alfred Pennyworth… (Soroi)

Deus ex Makona… (Mako Mankanshoku)

Mettaton EX… (Aikuro Mikisugi)

The Stick of Truth… (Uze Sanageyama)

Rice Krispies’ Pop… (Nonon Jakusure)

Jeremie Belpois… (Houka Inumuta)

Punch Rockgroin! Smoke Manmuscle! Butch Largemeat! Smash Lampjaw! Big McLargeHuge!… (Ira Gamagoori)

Doctor Octopus… (Shiro Iori in Tailor’s Regalia)

Japanese Weasleys… (The Mankanshokus)

Lavos… (The Life Fiber ball)

Abercrombie & Bitch… (Nui Harime)

Rainbow Quartz… (Ragyo Kiryuin)

Venom… (Senketsu)

Anti-Venom… (Junketsu)

In Soviet Russia, Clothes Wear You!… (Ryuko’s monster transformation)

Big Sister is Watching You… (Satsuki Kiryuin)

AND…

Running with Scissors! (Ryuko Matoi)

“THE NAKED TIME”

(Scene where Ryuko slips Rui the tongue.)

…ALL the mouthwash will never make Ryuko clean again. And now I have to pray someone hurries up and invents mind bleach.

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