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(The following is a ripoff of “Smoosh Games” as well as “Screen Junkies”, with the latter involved in making “Honest Trailers” for movies and the former involved in doing the same for video games. Both of them are great, funny, and voiced by Jon Bailey’s epic voice, so make sure to check them all out on YouTube.)

(So many games out there to do Honest Trailers for and, considering they spend most of their time on recent releases, they’ll never get to all of them. That leaves me free to do this one! SPOILERS!)

From LEVEL-5…

The company that loves putting anime scenes on your Nintendo DS, and was spoken of in legend to one day supplant “Pokemon”…

And STUDIO GHIBLI…

Who Level-5 somehow talked into doing this game before they put out “Yo-Kai Watch”…

Comes a game that’s essentially what would happen if Studio Ghibli did “Kingdom Hearts”…

NI NO KUNI: WRATH OF THE WHITE WITCH

In a world where after 30 years Japan is still releasing games in Japan that never make it to the USA…and American gamers are growing suspicious that they’re doing it just to tick us off…

Watch as Level-5 takes one of their Nintendo DS entries (“Ni No Kuni: Domain of the Dark Djinn”), wraps its plot in an identical plot only on a larger scale, finds the cheapest English voice actors they can get to do a rush dub, and then shoves it out on PS3!

Because honestly? That worked pretty well for “Resident Evil: Revelations”.

Journey to MOTORVILLE…

The most laziest-named fictional video game town since Raccoon City…

And meet OLIVER…

Or, for convenience, “the kid character in every Studio Ghibli film”…

When Oliver’s mother is forced to become part of the standard JRPG hero tragic backstory and tragically die saving him after he breaks her rules and sneaks out…

Watch as the guilt of his mother’s death and the pain of his loss causes Oliver to undergo a massive psychological breakdown and have a psychotic episode in which he hallucinates that his stuffed toy is a real fairy and imagines that he’s really a wizard who needs to save a Sage that looks just like her in another world, in order to come to grips and accept his mother’s death and move on with his life!

…What? You think all that happened in that game was real?

Oliver’s toy, which his mom made for him, just somehow magically ends up being a fairy who was cursed into being a toy and wound up in this world? Everyone he runs into in the other world has a counterpart that acts like them in the “real” world? A rule pops out of nowhere that no one from Oliver’s world can see people from the other world, explaining why everyone keeps thinking Oliver is talking to himself, in spite of the fact Oliver can see Drippy and Pea just fine while everyone else can see his mother? No one ever sees any of the magic Oliver does except animals that could be barking at anything? Oliver just happens to need to keep helping people who can’t move on with their lives because of personal tragedy? The villains just happen to be people who are stuck in depression, wishing that people who died because of them were back?

But oh yeah, it’s real.

In a plot that’s suspiciously like a kid-friendly version of “Pan’s Labyrinth”, Oliver will make contact with a strange mythological being who will present him with a magic book that’s only partially complete at first and charge him with fulfilling tasks to save a realm where everyone is a fantasy trope version of their true selves!

Here, he’ll face off against the Dark Djinn SHADAR…

A villain who looks like he pieced his outfit together out of a Halloween store’s November 1st bargain bin…

Who is out to completely destroy the world…by progressively turning everyone in it one by one into an a**hole!

To succeed, he’ll have to go on a fantasy-world globe-trotting adventure through fantastic realms and places to find all the missing spells in his book…

Even though he won’t ever get to use the cool ones.

Aw, come on! I want to be a Werecat!

And do battle with a world full of extremely bizarre and crudely-drawn monsters…which pretty much look like someone distracted Hayao Miyazaki, stole his notebook, and decided to make all of his doodles he did in his spare time into the bestiary!

Enjoy the breathtaking landscapes, colorful style, and child-like wonder that the game instills as you go from one fantastic, beautifully-rendered locale to the next…

Which…will go a long way in distracting you from the fact that this is your standard JRPG in most respects.

With features like:

– 90% of the game being a MacGuffin Scavenger Hunt.

– Standard JRPG party members whose main interest is them fighting with each other (Esther and Swain).

– Villains continuously leaving weaker bosses to fight you instead of just killing you when they have the chance.

And…

– Riding a dragon.

Although, come on…you just flew around the planet a few times so you could hear all of Tengri’s epic theme, didn’t you?

Level-5 launched its company with a game that was such a shameless Ocarina of Time ripoff (“Dark Cloud”) that you blinked on seeing the cover art and wondered if they had actually put out a Zelda title on the Playstation 2…

Now enjoy a game that proves Level-5 is still ripping games off as you quickly realize the entire familiar combat system is mostly “Pokemon”…

As you go out into the wild to find “wild” familiars, beat them up, capture them, train them, evolve them, form a team of three of them, and then use them to beat up other familiars to repeat the process…

Until you finally go to the Temple of Trials, this world’s version of a Pokemon gymnasium, and fight other trainers to reign supreme!

Hey, “Pokemon” ripped off of the monsters in the “Dragon Quest” franchise. Just sayin’…

To defeat the Dark Djinn, Oliver and company will have to travel land, sea, and air…

  • Braving deadly dungeons…
  • Going through intense battles that are something of a hybrid between Final Fantasy XII’s abyssmal battle system and Final Fantasy XIII’s odd-yet-acceptable battle system…
  • Doing battle with the “jerkiness” of characters manifested into physical form before making like a Care Bear and filling them with heart to restore them…
  • Killing things for fun and profit… (Bounty hunts)
  • Continuously looking for this 1800’s British dude’s diary… (Diary side quests)
  • Scratching their heads over what you think is British humor… (Smiley and Surly’s bit) (Uh…this is…funny…?)
  • Doing this researcher’s work for him while he takes all the credit… (The creature searching sidequests)
  • Getting their “Gravity Falls” on as this one ghost keeps continuously asking you to decipher clues from your Wizard’s Companion, a literal book within the game that reads like a real book…
  • Mastering their ability to spell when the game deviously prompts the “emoji-generation” player to type in answers to the ghost’s questions… (Damnit, was it Cassiopea or Cassiopeia? The second one? Why they hell isn’t she called “Peia” then?) 
  • AND…spending countless hours finding, killing, and stealing from the same enemies over and over to try and get them to cough up super-rare ingredients you need for alchemy, which always calls for, like, FIVE of the damn things when you’re lucky to stumble across one in a normal playthrough…

With the ultimate goal of finding the missing pages to all of the Wizard’s Companion’s sections!

Including…

  • Spells…
  • Alchemy formulas…
  • Locations…
  • The bestiary…
  • And…stories…which serve no purpose other than to give you something to read when you’re bored of grinding for ingredients.

And once he’s finally tired of going around fixing a book and have acquired and powered-up a golden bubble wand, brace yourself as Oliver finally confronts Shadar in his Escher-painting-esque castle and learn the truth at last…

That he’s really just Oliver if he never would have been able to move on from the death of his mother.

And finally defeat him in an epic showdown, save the world, restore peace to the three realms, bid his final goodbyes to his mother, restore the soul of the villain, and finally prepare to go home to move on with his life…

BUT THEN…

Have the real villain pop in during the final act, “pull a Ganondorf”, once again put the entire planet on the brink of destruction and force you to run around doing a condensed version of what you’ve been doing for most of the game all over again…

And find out your final boss is in another magic castle, and assault it to confront QUEEN CASSIOPEIA, the WHITE WITCH…

Who gets the game named after her even though she’s, like, in it for 5% of it…

And confront her to learn the real truth at last…

Namely that she ALSO is really just Oliver if he never would have been able to move on from the death of his mother.

…Oh look, Cassiopeia created a fantasy world around her to cope with the pain of loss. Make you think of anyone? Hint hint? (Still think Oliver’s magic journey really happened?)

Emerge victorious, save the world a second time, and finally return home to begin your life again…

BUT THEN…

Discover that there’s a whole mess of bonus content that only activated after you beat the game once…

That will leave you questioning if you’ve suddenly slipped into a kid-friendly version of “Donnie Darko”… (The Conductor and all of the content around him)

And scour the globe for even more spells, lore, and many…many…SO MANY…impossible-to-find-and-acquire alchemy ingredients to get the equipment to take out not one, not two, but SEVENTEEN new bosses, including a super version of the final boss and an even tougher superboss than that…

All with the ultimate goal, at long last, at the end of all of the mystery, grinding, heartache, and toil…

…Of getting to drive a little car around on the world map.

…Uh…because that’s what Oliver really wanted more than anything…I guess…?

Enjoy the first game that allows you to “Be the Miyazaki”, as it virtually transports you into all the magic of a Studio Ghibli film and lets you feel like a child at heart from the magic, fantasy, and wonder filling it from top to bottom…

And constantly reminds you of that fact.

  • One of the opponents in the Solloseium Series being named “My Neighbor Tomtoro”.
  • The final red pig tank boss being named “Porco Rosso”.
  • SWAIN: “It’s a castle! A castle in the sky!”
  • Oliver riding a broom at the end ala Kiki.

…In spite of the fact that Studio Ghibli kind of shafted the company…as over half of the scenes are only in the first act of the game and there’s no new footage for the overarching plot.

STARRING…

Marnie… (Esther)

Howl… (Marcissan)

Lupin the Third… (Swain)

Ponyo loves Sousuke!… (Oliver with his first familiar)

Garfield… (King Tom XIV)

Yo Mamma… (Queen Lowlah)

Token… (The Great Sage Rashaad)

Falcor… (Tengri)

Lord Voldemort… (The Dark Djinn Shadar)

Studio Ghibli’s Odd Anthropomorphic Animal Fetish… (The various denizens in the game)

Studio Ghibli’s Even Odder Frogfaced Character Fetish… (Old Father Oak) 

Studio Ghibli’s Honestly Creepy Eating Fetish… (One of the few scenes they animated being Oliver feeding Lowlah cheese)

And…

Doctor Doom! (Queen Cassiopeia)

“HARRY POTTER AND THE VILLAIN WHO WAS ON SCREEN FOR TEN MINUTES ALL TOGETHER”


 

(Reading one of the stones with Nazcaa glyphs)

Ugh…er…is that a ‘K’ or an ‘R’? Wait…no, that symbol is a ‘TH’, not a letter…urg… Phew, ok, got it deciphered.

(Click the message to move on, and it goes to a message where Drippy translates it for you)

What the-?! Damnit, why didn’t you do that to begin with?!

 

 

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