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(The following is a ripoff of “Smoosh Games” as well as “Screen Junkies”, with the latter involved in making “Honest Trailers” for movies and the former involved in doing the same for video games. Both of them are great, funny, and voiced by Jon Bailey’s epic voice, so make sure to check them all out on YouTube.)

*WARNING! SPOILERS!*

From NETFLIX…

The odd hybrid of TV network and website that makes you get down on your knees and beg for additional seasons of your favorite shows…

And Adi Shankar…

The producer best known for that movie where Liam Neeson punches wolves and making obscure comic book fans cry for joy on giving them Judge Dredd media that doesn’t even mention the name Rob Schneider in it…

Comes the most shocking, disturbing, and bizarre work of the supernatural that the world has ever witnessed…

A video game adaptation that’s not terrible!

“CASTLEVANIA”

The time period is 1400s Wallachia, and the Inquisition is getting medieval on pretty much everybody…

When LISA TEPES is burned at the stake after being falsely accused of witchcraft…

Because being married to a guy with clearly visible giant fangs, pointed ears, and taloned hands who only comes out in the darkness isn’t suspicious at all…but owning a microscope and test tubes? DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS!

Her husband LORD VLAD DRACULA TEPES decides to pull a Frank-Castle-vania and carry out his violent genocide of the entire human race in retribution.

DRACULA: “Any one of them could have said ‘no’!”

(Shot of demon gargoyle carrying away a baby in its teeth.)

Yeah, that’s right, helpless babies! You should have shielded her with your rattles and screamed: ‘Goo-goo-GAH!’

Watch as the legendary lord of the undead unleashes a nightmarish army from hell to plague the earth…

…with a very grotesque sense of humor.

(I mean, come on. These things are strong enough to just rip and grind people up with their bare hands and blow up buildings with fireball breath, and yet rather than destroy this one town in one night they act like a bunch of demonic trolls. They kill kids in the middle of the night without killing the rest of the family, somehow rip out this one guy’s throat while he’s sleeping right next to his wife and she doesn’t notice until the next morning, and decide to take the time and effort to “redecorate” with heads and human entrails? And they’ve been doing this for, like, a couple nights now? Why are people still putting their kids in other rooms or sleeping above ground anyway?)

When Dracula’s rather-cool-looking-yet-incredibly-impractical-and-impossible-to-build castle rears its ugly flying buttresses and sends out its PM-shift-only hoards to slaughter mankind…

(Because those demons in the second episode are clearly out in the sun.)

It will be up to TREVOR BELMONT…house Belmont…last of the Belmont family…the legendary vampire killers…

To spend 85% of the series going around sulking and brooding in a Ned Stark cape and repeatedly try to convince the audience he doesn’t care…

(On leaving the Speakers) “I don’t care.”

(On meeting Sypha) “I don’t care.”

(On fighting Alucard) “I don’t care.”

…Until he finally does.

ALUCARD: “Do you care, Belmont?”

TREVOR: “Honestly, I didn’t. But now? Yes…it’s time to stop it.”

Took you long enough! There’s only seven minutes left in the season!

For years you’ve enjoyed the “Castlevania” franchise as it’s pit you through the many dark halls of Dracula’s castle, destroying every candle in sight and scarfing down pork chop a la wall as you battled nightmarish legions of the undead…

Now watch a series that features a mini-skirt wearing Belmont doing 90% less whipping and 300% more:

Swearing…

“Sh’t…” “Sh’t…” “F***…”

Ball-busting…

(Numerous groin hits)

ALUCARD: “This isn’t a bar fight. Have some class.”

And falling through floors.

(The pretty much continuous floor-falling of the fourth episode)

Brace yourself for an adventure with a legendary vampire killer who kills a grand total of three monsters…

(The two demon gargoyles and the stone cyclops)

And the rest of his time just maiming and killing normal humans…

(The various scenes of Trevor whipping and killing the bar patrons and corrupt clergymen.)

Because this plot makes the Roman Catholic Church look so demented, corrupt, insane, and evil that it practically makes the legion of wretched spawn from hell and their infernal undead overlord bent on massacring humanity actually look like the good guys.

BISHOP: “My life’s work is in his name!”

ALPHA DEMON: “Your life’s work makes him puke.”

But…there was Token Unnamed No-Lines Priest who was able to make holy water, so…good for Christianity…?

So sit down to binge watch and enjoy the entire imitation anime series…which should be pretty easy because even if you sit through the credits and the production logo at the end of every episode the entire season is shorter than the average movie…

And sink your teeth into a video game adaptation that doesn’t suck because it did one thing all the others before it didn’t do…

Wrapped the obligatory 10 minutes of pure gamer fanservice inside a DECENT PLOT.

And feel Dracula’s own personal anguish as you yourself are forced to wait one year for Season Two, all while debating the eternal question…

“Was this ‘Berserk’-knock-off really that amazing? Or has the bar for video game adaptations just been set so painfully low that anything above decent seems like ‘Citizen Kane’?”

STARRING…

Thorin Leatherwhip… (Trevor Belmont)

Hell-lander… (Vlad Dracula Tepes)

Medieval Belle… (Lisa Tepes)

Saipha Bellnadeez…S…Seefa Beelnaids…Sifha Bellnadas…Ugh, the witch from the game!… (Sypha Belnades)

Vampire Hunter D-elicious… (Alucard)

An old guy who took up way too much of Season One’s short run time… (The Head Speaker)

Judge Claude Frollo… (The Bishop)

The Great Goblin’s Hideous Neck Sack… (The Archbishop)

AND NOT STARRING…

The one character you will hear nothing but whining and complaining about for the next six months from Internet trolls for not being in the series… (Grant Danasty)

And the one character the Internet trolls are being surprisingly quiet about for not being in the series. (Death)

“CASTLEVANIA: CRY OF JUBILATION…THAT IT’S NOT LIKE THE STREET FIGHTER MOVIE”


 

TREVOR: “What’ll one coin get me?”

SHOP VENDOR: “Bit o’ dried goat.”

TREVOR: “I’ll take it.”

Uh, Trevor, this is a Middle Ages market in a city with no sanitation or way to enforce laws that just got a surplus of ‘meat’ that’s not goat. I wouldn’t trust anything from the local butchers if I were you.

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