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As always, this is a shameless knockoff of “Cinema Sins” and you should check out their vast collection on Youtube. They’re hilarious if you don’t mind nitpicking.

After years of eager anticipation and months of excitement buzz from previews, stills, and the soundtrack, the bronies and pegasisters finally got the feature film they craved and declared it to be overwhelmingly and astonishingly passable. Let’s see why!

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“MY LITTLE PONY: THE MOVIE”

In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.

SPOILERS!

(duh)

Movie about “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” will be surprisingly void of ponies and Equestria, so shotgun blasts your eyeballs with pastels of ALL the ponies in the first ten minutes.

SIN COUNT: 1

Movie shows how dated its script is by featuring Starlight Glimmer, the show’s deuteroagonist who single-hoofedly saved everypony else in the main cast, in a completely non-speaking background pony role with less screen time than Derpy.

SIN COUNT: 2

Seven seasons in and you can’t highlight an episode with Twilight Sparkle unless it starts with her OCDing about something.

SIN COUNT: 3

(First close-up of Twilight Sparkle)

New animation style makes Twilight look like she’s on meth in every close up, and yet heartless animators give her nothing but close ups the rest of the film.

SIN COUNT: 4

(Twilight’s long, rambling proposal to the princesses)

For fans of the show in the audience, you know this is a par-for-the-course Twilight obsessive-compulsive nerd rant. For those who aren’t fans, this is the signal for you to check your watch and groan that the movie still has an hour and a half to go.

SIN COUNT: 5

(Pinkie Pie’s Discord-shaped balloon)

For the bronies in the audience, sorry. Tiny morsels of fanservice like this is all the filmmakers have left to throw to you after things like “Slice of Life”.

SIN COUNT: 6

(Shot of Fluttershy’s bird choir)

Should we ask why Fluttershy felt the need to put Angel Bunny in a bird costume and stick him in with the choir? Of course we should. Pondering things like this keeps us from asking the real question of why they bothered putting Fluttershy in this movie.

SIN COUNT: 7

(Tempest’s Airship arrives)

Movie features the mixed-media blending of 2D style and 3D style animation in the same scene. It was jarring and odd looking back in the late ’90s and it still is in 2017.

SIN COUNT: 8

(Grubber walks out to make his announcement)

Discount Olaf…or Equivalent Value Sid.

SIN COUNT: 9

(Tempest Shadow makes her first appearance)

Darth Neigh-der.

SIN COUNT: 10

Well, out of all of the characters they left out of the film from the show, they still kept the three non-Twilight alicorn princesses, so it’ll be nice to see them get to have some action to themselves for a chan-

(Cadance gets petrified)

SIN COUNT: 11

Ok, Cadance gets a lot of screen time anyway. It’s Celestia who really needs the counterweight. So I’m sure she’ll have a big role to-

(Celestia gets petrified)

Sigh…

SIN COUNT: 12

Alright, Luna is everyone’s favorite and she’s already in the air, so we’ll get to at least see-

(Luna gets petrified)

Celestiadamnit, movie!

SIN COUNT: 13

(Cadance’s screamed line while being petrified)

And that is Britt McKillip’s second and final line of the film. She had an easier time earning a paycheck for this film than Anna Paquin for “X-Men: Days of Future Past”.

SIN COUNT: 14

(Twilight catches Luna as she’s falling)

So, what would have happened if Twilight hadn’t caught Luna? She would have shattered, and…then Tempest would be screwed, because she needs all four alicorn princesses…unless she’d go get Flurry Heart to substitute.

SIN COUNT: 15

Tempest was such a smug equine she only brought exactly how many gem bomb thingees she would need. She learned nothing from that one episode of “The Simpsons” where Homer impersonates Krusty. “I told ya’ we shoulda bought more than four Obsidian Orbs!”

SIN COUNT: 16

Sigh…ok, let’s go over a brief list of all the ways Tempest’s plan should have failed immediately. 1. Cadance could have just stopped her Obsidian Orb in midair using telekinesis rather than a shield. 2. Luna can both turn into mist as well as into multiple individuals, both which would negate an orb. 3. Celestia could have simply flown to the Queen of the Hippogriffs herself rather than spent an excessively long time standing still in one spot attempting to explain the detailed plan to Luna. 4. The girls could have evoked their Rainbow Power forms and instantly annihilated the Storm King’s army as those are more powerful than all four alicorns combined…

SIN COUNT: 17…18…19…20

Tempest disables three princesses single-hoofedly but after messing up on the fourth one lets her minions decide things.

SIN COUNT: 21

“…hungry.” “Hungry?” “Hippos?”

Hasbro’s shameless plug of their own board game is only slightly more dignified than the movie “Battleship”.

SIN COUNT: 22

PINKIE PIE: (Crazed and picking up a skull) “Maybe THIS guy knows where we are!”

Insanity.

SIN COUNT: 23

SPIKE: “…And this cactus…” (Showing his rear end)

Damnit, children’s movie. You had to put in one butt joke, didn’t you?

SIN COUNT: 24

Pinkie Pie’s scene in the market attracts all sorts of unwanted attention, and yet we’re supposed to think Twilight was in the wrong for not suggesting this first later in the film.

SIN COUNT: 25

Capper suavely befriends and charms lost ponies, takes them back to his place, and then later means to sell them to individuals who would sell ponies to the highest bidder. Replace “ponies” with “young women” and this is probably the most disturbing thing in this entire film.

SIN COUNT: 26

CAPPER: “My apologies for the state of the litterbox.”

And a fecal related joke too? Shame on you!

SIN COUNT: 27

(On learning about Mount Aris)

Ponies now know their destination, how to get there, and three of them are airborne including the only one who is actually a target, and yet continue to use the ground and transportation for locomotion the remainder of this film.

SIN COUNT: 28

Twilight attempts to get girls away from pony trafficker as quickly as possible, and yet we’re supposed to think Twilight was in the wrong for this later in the film.

SIN COUNT: 29

Capper’s life and moral outlook is changed by a unicorn putting two buttons on his jacket. Granted, if this were real life, that would actually be somewhat plausible. As this is a cartoon, that’s a sinning.

SIN COUNT: 30

5. Twilight could have instantly frozen all attackers in place like she did with the Hooffields and McColts. 6. Discord could have instantly snapped his fingers and freed the princesses while imprisoning Tempest. 7. Starlight Glimmer could have knocked several of the airships out of the sky by herself, especially since she can fly and teleport. 8. Shining Armor could have accompanied Cadance to Canterlot since “everypony” was supposed to be there and used their combined shield to blow Tempest all the way to Klugetown…

SIN COUNT: 31…32…33…34

It’s understandable that Captain Celaeno and her crew wouldn’t waste their only allowed meal break to throw ponies overboard. What’s not understandable is why they invite them to join them and feed them as well before planning to throw them overboard once finished.

SIN COUNT: 35

The Storm King forced Celaeno and her sky pirates into a life of menial servitude but not only left them all of their weapons but apparently all of their loot as well.

SIN COUNT: 36

Pirates regain their impulse to be pirates and decide to revolt against a tyrant because someone essentially says: “Why don’t you go back to being pirates?”

SIN COUNT: 37

Rainbow Dash thoughtlessly performs a Sonic Rainboom that acts as a massive signal flare to Tempest Shadow, and we’re supposed to think Twilight was in the wrong for not wanting her to perform it later in this film.

SIN COUNT: 38

When the Sonic Rainboom goes off, Tempest’s airship is close enough to actually distinguish the pirates’ airship, which means that it must have still been in visible range when they took off from Klugetown. Yet she and her minions continued to act as if they needed Capper’s directions to find the ship, which they now catch up with in less than half a minute.

SIN COUNT: 39

Movie teases Rainbow Dash learning how to fight with a sword with Celaeno and never delivers.

SIN COUNT: 40

Pirates and pirate ships are an easy way to inject fun into a film…unless you only want them for toys and have them instantly defeated as a result like this movie did.

SIN COUNT: 41

Tempest totally destroys pirate ship with Celaeno, her crew, and Capper on board and yet fails to kill anyone. That horn is busted.

SIN COUNT: 42

(Rarity’s drama queen fits)

Over-the-top Drama Queen Rarity is hilarious. Mediocre, slowly-animated, subdued Drama Queen Rarity makes non-bronies in the audience check their time and thank Celestia the movie is over half over.

SIN COUNT: 43

(Princess Skystar appears)

Discount Dory.

SIN COUNT: 44

Kingdom of Hippogriffs, who later in the film show one of them is strong enough to subdue five of the Storm King’s minions at once, transformed themselves into Kingdom of Merponies because…TOYS! I mean, REASONS!

SIN COUNT: 45

The Mane Six would still asphyxiate rather quickly from carbon dioxide poisoning in those small bubbles.

SIN COUNT: 46

Kristen Chenowith, the voice of Princess Skystar, stared alongside Idina Menzel, also known as Elsa from “Frozen”, in the original run of “Wicked” and later as Maleficent in “Descendants”, and yet filmmakers only give her half a song.

SIN COUNT: 47

9. Equestria is allies with the Yaks, who wouldn’t take kindly to the threat of invasion and would stomp on the invaders. 10. Equestria is allies with the Changelings, who wouldn’t take kindly to the threat of invasion and would devour the invaders. 11. Equestria is allies with the Dragons, who wouldn’t take kindly to the threat of invasion and would stomp, incinerate, and then devour the invaders. 12. Sunset Shimmer could have popped back into Equestria to lend a hoof…which would have been awesome…

SIN COUNT: 48…49…50…51

TWILIGHT: “We can’t just dance around with con artists, make Sonic Rainbooms in the sky, and expect everything to work out!”

Twilight points out everything wrong with film’s own resolution.

SIN COUNT: 52

(Spike escapes Storm King minion by lighting him on fire)

Apparently so long as this happens from a perspective of 100 feet away, it can stay a PG movie, because a similar shot is used later in the film when Spike is turned into an incinerator.

SIN COUNT: 53

(Twilight’s prison chamber)

Tempest Shadow is such a Darth Vader ripoff she even stole the Carbonite Freezing Chamber from “The Empire Strikes Back”.

SIN COUNT: 54

Twilight and Tempest make it back to Canterlot via an airship only about ten minutes faster than the rest of the protagonists who are ground-bound and apparently took the time to bake a gigantic Trojan Horse cake and build the wagon to put it on first.

SIN COUNT: 55

Is Songbird Serenade being impressed into singing like a real songbird? If so, why are these big white things ordering her to sing only to order her to shut up soon after?

SIN COUNT: 56

Also, Twilight, for some reason, focuses on Songbird’s misfortune although she’s surrounded by countless friends in much worse circumstances, including the CMCs.

SIN COUNT: 57

The Storm King is easily one of the most entertaining characters in the film, so naturally he only gets two scenes. …Wait, huh?

SIN COUNT: 58

Evil army of brutes that conquered hundreds of ponies in ten minutes, a third of whom could fly and use weather as a weapon and another third of whom could use magic lasers, now gets totally defeated by thirteen individuals. Equestria seriously needs a real military.

SIN COUNT: 59

Alright, which of you folks at home predicted that the Storm King would never honor his promise and would end up backstabbing Temp-alright, alright, you can all put your hands down.

SIN COUNT: 60

TWILIGHT: (On grabbing Tempest) “Hold on!”

Telling a character with hooves to hold on to something. For that matter, how is Twilight holding Tempest right now?

SIN COUNT: 61

So the ultimate reason Fluttershy and Applejack were in this film was to help form a pony-chain just long enough to get the Staff of S…S…MacGuffin, whatever.

SIN COUNT: 62

Not counting King Sombra, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” franchise is finally ballsy enough to kill a villain on screen…and wastes it on a villain who spent so little time being malevolent and genuinely despicable that audience is fairly blase. Honestly, Tempest Shadow being killed would have left more impact.

SIN COUNT: 63

Magic MacGuffin Staff has a Comic Reset on it to nullify any of the drama that accompanied Canterlot Palace and most of Equestria being destroyed.

SIN COUNT: 64

Sia’s “Rainbow”. A song explicitly written for this movie by a singer who had a pony version of her made for the film in the single greatest act of MLP:FIM fandom that will ever be done.

SIN COUNT: 63

Tempest Shadow is worried she won’t fit in with the rest of the Equestrians at the party because she has a broken horn…instead of fact there are countless multitudes she tormented, enslaved, terrorized, and possibly killed.

SIN COUNT: 64

TEMPEST: “…Fizzlepop Berrytwist.”

No sin here. Like Pinkie Pie says, that’s awesome.

SIN COUNT: 63

(Discord appearing in foreground and background of end credits)

Don’t worry if you felt cheated by the background appearances of Starlight Glimmer, Trixie Lulamoon, and Cheese Sandwich in this movie. Feel cheated by this instead!

SIN COUNT: 64

(Credits scene where ponies are playing pinata shaped like the Storm King’s severed head)

That is quite honestly morbid.

SIN COUNT: 65

FINAL COUNT: 65

SENTENCE: MOICHANDIZING (“‘Moichandizing’? What’s that?” “Merchandising! We put the picture’s name on everything! Ha-ha! Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made!”)


 

(Scene where Tempest Shadow walks up to the open door to Capper’s house and looks in grinning)

JACK TORRENCE: Heeeeeere’s…JOHNNY!

 


 

(Scene of Pinkie Pie going crazy in the desert)

RAOUL DUKE: We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold…

 


 

(Scene where Rainbow Dash throws the Storm King Rulebook off the pirate airship)

ELIZABETH SWANN: Hang the code, and hang the rules! They’re more like guidelines anyway!

 


 

(Scene where Twilight gets the girls to distract Skystar and looks back to the Pearl)

HAL 9000: …What are you doing, Dave?

 


 

(Scene where Tempest Shadow gets in Twilight Sparkle’s face while caged)

JOKER: You want to know how I got these scars?

 


 

(Scene where the Storm King is about to petrify the girls, Tempest sees it, and runs to save them)

DARTH VADER: No…NOOOOOO!

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