Tags
comedy, Ganon, Ganondorf, HISHE, How It Should Have Ended, Link, ocarina, Ocarina of Time, parody, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Video game, Zelda
(The following is a shameless ripoff of “How It Should Have Ended”. Check ’em out on Youtube because they’re great and put a lot of work into their animation.)
(The scene is the young Zelda looking through the window into the throne room as the young Link approaches her from behind. He soon comes up and clears his throat, causing her to turn around and gasp in surprise.)
ZELDA: Who? Who are you? How did you get past the guards?
LINK: …Rather easily. They don’t seem to be able to see more than ten feet in front of them.
ZELDA: (Pauses a moment, then sighs) First father doesn’t believe me when I tell him I had a dream Ganondorf was evil…then he doesn’t believe me when I tell him the guards he has watching me are nearsighted… Forget that. (Smiling) It’s you! The boy from my dream! The ray of hope bursting through a dark cloud who will save Hyrule! I have so much to tell you…
(Cut forward through the passage of time…)
ZELDA: …And so that’s what you need to do. Now, I’ll just write this letter for you that’ll get you started…
LINK: Wait a second. There’s some things wrong with all that.
ZELDA: (Blinking) …Oh?
LINK: First, you said the goddesses created the Triforce and left it behind, knowing that either a good or an evil person could use it and if they did they’d become all-powerful, immortal, and not possible to stop forever, and then they created a Door of Time to protect it from evil hands, right?
ZELDA: Um…yes. You know, I asked you a second ago if you didn’t get it I could repeat it…
LINK: (Interjecting) Wouldn’t it have made more sense not to have a Triforce? Even with the Door of Time, they created the secret to their power and then just threw it into the middle of Hyrule and sat back and decided to watch if a good or evil person would get it? Doesn’t that seem…malicious? Like they created Hyrule just to watch us all kill each other over the Triforce forever?
(Zelda looks uneasy.)
ZELDA: Um…
LINK: Second, everyone in Hyrule who is going to influence this future has been getting visions of it, right? Like I’ve already seen you and Ganondorf in my own dreams.
ZELDA: Well, yes, but…
LINK: So doesn’t that mean Ganondorf has seen us in his own dreams and he already knows everything we’re planning too?
(Zelda looks even more uncomfortable.)
ZELDA: Er…uh…
LINK: Now…third, what is it you need me to do again?
(Zelda takes a moment to compose herself, then answers.)
ZELDA: Well…you need to get the other two Spiritual Stones, which means first you’re going to have to go up to the top of Death Mountain, risking being crushed, incinerated, devoured, and blown up until you can find it…then you’ll have to go to Lake Hylia and get yourself eaten by a giant fish and risk digestion and electrocution…all while dealing with two races that will initially be very hostile to you…before you come back here at which point I’ll give you the Ocarina of Time or, at least, I will if Ganondorf hasn’t already made his bid for power by then and captured me or forced me to go into hiding at which point you will take the stones and the Ocarina of Time to the Temple of Time, play the Song of Time to open the Door of Time and then touch the Triforce and wish for peace to Hyrule…
(Pause)
ZELDA: …Unless there’s some sort of “goddess mystical clause” somewhere that says a kid isn’t allowed to have any of their wishes granted and doing so will instead split up the Triforce in such a way that any evil guy following you would by default get the “best piece” and end up totally destroying Hyrule and sentencing it to darkness and death so that you’ll have to journey all around it battling things a lot worse than the monsters you fought to get the first two Spiritual Stones and then recruit seven sages to unite along with you and the power of the Master’s Sword to rise against this evil guy and NOT be able to defeat him because the Triforce would have already made him immortal and all-powerful so you’ll have to settle for sealing him away so that all of your descendants will have to arise to keep putting him away for another few generations and rescuing MY descendants while they’re at it.
LINK: Yeah, forget all that. Back to the first part. You said no one can open the Door of Time without the three Spiritual Stones, right?
ZELDA: Well…right…
LINK: And there’s only three of them, they can’t be reproduced or replicated, and I have one already, right?
ZELDA: Er…right…
LINK: So I’ve got a better idea.
ZELDA: …What?
(Link smashes his stone into bits against the nearest piece of masonry. Zelda gasps a bit.)
LINK: There. Now no one can ever get to the Triforce. Right?
(Zelda hesitates.)
ZELDA: But…but…
LINK: “Your worship”, I’m like…seven. I’ve got a knife, some tree bark I fashioned into a crude shield, a slingshot, and some crud I found on trees. My battlefield experience consists of hacking spiders to bits. Why wasn’t your bodyguard doing this? Can’t she, like, disappear into thin air every time she throws one of those little snap pop firecrackers?
ZELDA: But…but I had so many great plans to send you off to save Hyrule and rescue me from certain death before condemning you to the “Friend Zone” for eternity…and all while under a post-hypnotic suggestion to think I was a male Shiekah for seven years!
(Link stares back blankly at that for a moment…before he does the same “back-off-slowly-then-run” that he did with Saria at the beginning of the game.)
(Ten years later)
(Scene cuts to Lon Lon Ranch where Link and Malon are enjoying dinner together along with two children who look like young versions of them while Malon cradles a baby.)
MALON: Tee hee! I never get bored of that story, Link!
LINK: Seriously, what is up with that stupid goddess emblem? We would have actually had two pieces of Triforce between us, but it wouldn’t matter. Because it’s split into the Triforce of Useless, the Triforce of Worthless, and the Triforce of Actually-Gives-You-God-Like-Power-But-Always-Goes-To-The-Evil-Guy-As-A-Big-(BLEEP)-You. The thing is he could have gotten all of the Spiritual Stones himself but rather than actually trying to get any of the stones or the ocarina, he just left curses behind…like all he was trying to do was make it harder for whoever did want to get the stones to get them. And since he would have just been waiting for me to collect them in the first place…that didn’t make any sense. I mean, did he want to follow me into the Sacred Realm or not?
MALON: Still…I…do kinda wonder… He was still the world’s most powerful dark sorcerer. So, shouldn’t he have been able to still conquer Hyrule Castle even without the Triforce?
LINK: Yes…and he did.
(Link gestures out the window to Hyrule Castle. It has a dark cloud over it and lies in ruins and flames.)
MALON: Er…shouldn’t you have tried to do something about that?
LINK: Probably…but since the Master’s Sword is also in the Temple of Time, I can’t get it to kill him with it. So…we’ll just have to wait for him to die of old age, I guess.
MALON: True… Still, I’d really hate to be Princess Zelda right now. I wonder if she’s still in there…?
(Link takes a drink of milk, when he suddenly hears a psychic voice.)
ZELDA (O.S.): Help me… Please help me… I am a prisoner in the dungeon of the castle…
(Link pauses, then shrugs.)
LINK: Sorry, can’t hear you. (Frowning angrily) You see, we don’t get good telepathic reception here in the “Friend Zone”…
(END)
—
(Bonus Scene)
(After Zelda gets imprisoned in the Temple of Time and Link looks helplessly as she’s taken away.)
GANONDORF’S DISEMBODIED VOICE: Now, come meet me in my tower! I will finally make the last two pieces of Triforce mine! HA, HA…
(Pause)
GANONDORF’S DISEMBODIED VOICE: …Wait, why am I not just capturing you now like I captured her? Why am I giving you a “fighting chance”?
(Another pause as Link blinks, before he suddenly gets imprisoned in a crystal too and pulled out.)
