(The following is a shameless rip-off of HISHE [How It Should Have Ended]. You should check them out on YouTube. They’re really funny and clever, and put a lot of work into their stuff…unlike me. And if by some chance they ever do this one, I’ll be sure to take it down.)
“HOW ‘Samurai Jack’ SHOULD HAVE ENDED”
(Scene opens at the wedding scene, with Ashi walking down the aisle. Suddenly, her face falls and she collapses. Jack quickly breaks from the altar as the rest of the guests are shocked and runs down to her, picking her head off the ground and cradling her in his arms. She looks to him as she reaches out and touches his face.)
ASHI: Without Aku…I never would have…existed…
(To his horror, as well as that of the audience, she fades away from existence. Jack is left only holding her bridal attire. He bows his head and nearly begins to mourn…but then stops and looks up.)
JACK: …But…if Aku never existed, then Ashi would have never existed. If Ashi had never existed, then the time portal would never have existed. (Grows more thoughtful) And if the time portal never would have existed, then I would never have gone back to the past… And that would mean I would still be in the future…so Ashi would live…but if she lived, then I would go back to the past…so she would die…and…
(Jack is suddenly interrupted and goes wide-eyed as a cosmic ripping is heard. Everyone looks up in shock, but are helpless to do anything as they, the wedding scene, the land, the sky, and all existence itself is suddenly caught up in a huge vortex; warped and twisted into oblivion. As Jack cries out, all reality everywhere is sucked into a singularity, leaving only a blank white realm of nothingness.)
(Focus on it a moment, before Jack slowly floats by, blinking and confused. He looks around with a wide-eyed stare for a few moments, before a giant black monstrosity begins to float by in the opposite direction.)
AKU: Foolish samurai!
(Jack snaps his head up in alarm.)
JACK: What the…Aku?!
AKU: I merely destroyed the world of the future…but you, samurai? You just had to go back and create your little time paradox, didn’t you? I spent over 10,000 years turning this pitiful world into a realm of death and despair, and yet you outdid me in five minutes and destroyed all existence!
AKU: Wait…what am I saying? (Giant evil grin) Good job, samurai! I can’t thank you enough for destroying me and incurring some, shall we say, minor collateral damage! Never mind what I said! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Jack is left staring out into nothingness with a regretful and despairing look on his face…)
(…Before the scene shifts back to Aku’s lair with Jack and Black-Suited Ashi in the heat of the giant final battle.)
ASHI: …So that’s why I can’t send you back, Jack. I mean…even if I’m willing to get erased from existence, there’s still the whole problem of creating an unbreakable time loop.
JACK: (Musing a bit himself) Yes, I…suppose I never really thought about it that way. (Looks regretful) And…it would be pretty bad if I had gone through all of that just now just for you to end up a memory, exactly as I feared.
ASHI: (Also looking uneasy) Yeah… Pretty much the only way it would be worse is if I didn’t vanish from existence immediately like I should, but instead I stuck around for several months while everything got rebuilt and it was only at the exact moment we were about to get married that I vanished. I mean, if our lives were a show, that would be the writer just punching the audience in the stomach and laughing at them.
JACK: But, um… (Looks back up to Aku, who is staring down at them rather immobile this whole time while attackers continue to hit him with no effect) You have no problem…um…holding him still and keeping him from escaping while I destroy him, yes?
ASHI: Oh. (Morphs limbs into elongated scythes) Of course not.
AKU: (Looking at the camera) Uh-oh…again. Probably should have fled during that explanation.
(Ashi morphs her arms into more spikes and pins Aku to the flaming while while Jack cries out, leaps up, and slices him into one piece after another until everything is destroyed.)
(Cut to outside as Aku’s tower is destroyed with the rest of him. The possessed combatants are released and everyone is left in a smoldering crater. Everyone cheers and cries out loud shouts of victory. After going over the survivors, it finally returns to Jack and Ashi in the center.)
ASHI: (Smiling and looking to Jack) So…what now?
(Jack gets his normal grim look.)
JACK: Now…I must find a different way to return to my own time and end the evil that is Aku.
(Nearly steps away when Ashi moves forward and puts a hand on him.)
ASHI: Whoa-whoa-whoa…I thought we already pointed out how that’s risky? I mean, even if I don’t send you back in time, I still get erased from existence. And not just me…
ASHI: Everyone gets erased from existence.
(The ones closest suddenly stop and looks back.)
FORMER-BLIND ARCHER: Wait, what? What did she just say?
DOG ARCHEOLOGIST: She just said Jack wants to erase us from existence!
(Jack looks shocked as he’s suddenly put on the spot.)
APE JUMP-GOOD GUY: (Looking heartbroken) Jack…erase-good…?
WOOLIE: But…I thought we were friends…
(Jack shakes his head.)
JACK: Wait, no, no! It’s not like that!
(The Scotsman shoots forward glaring at him angrily.)
SCOTSMAN: Ya’ scabby roaster! Yer off yer hide if yer thinkin’ o’ erasin’ me an’ my kin! Not after ah’ll we did jus’ now!
SCOTSMAN’S DAUGHTERS: (In a unified chorus) Ya’!
(Jack puts his hands up defensively.)
JACK: No, no! This isn’t about erasing anyone! Don’t you understand? This is about saving billions of lives throughout history!
(Everyone is quiet for a moment.)
APE JUMP-GOOD GUY: Does that make old family come back to life?
FORMER BLIND-ARCHER: Does it give our people a better future?
JACK: No…and…there’s a good chance it’ll be worse.
SCOTSMAN: Wha’ ’bout me an’ my kin? (A legion of ghostly Celtic ancestors suddenly materializes behind him, all wanting an answer.)
JACK: (Uncomfortable) …All of you will likely never be born.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: Does that keep us from ever being enslaved?
JACK: No, and…(Growing more nervous)…you’ll probably end up being non-sentient dogs as well.
WOOLIES: And us?
JACK: (Sweating) Not only will you never exist, but pretty much every non-human race that ever lived on Earth will never exist…the sea monkey people, the bird people, the salamander people, the emoji-antenna people…
BROKEN ROBOT: (Feebly raising a hand as shorting out) Does this future bring X-9 back…or reunite him with Lulu…?
JACK: (Grimacing) …But billions of people! Billions of people who would have never been born or had a chance to be happy and grow up in peace!
SCOTSMAN: Yer bum’s out the windae! The way ah see it, billions o’ folks ‘re all panbread if ya’ do go back!
RAVER: What makes them more important than all of us, huh?
FORMER-BLIND ARCHER: And Aku’s dead. There’s nothing to worry about anymore. We can rebuild a new and more peaceful world. Isn’t your world still beset by petty infighting, lack of respect for natural resources, and run by self-serving feudalism?
(Everyone looks to the archer at his sudden insight. He shrugs.)
FORMER-BLIND ARCHER: Considering the fact I still look like this after 50 years, obviously I’ve been around a while.
ASHI: (Looking a bit tentative) Jack, did you, um…maybe ever think of…not going back to the past? I mean, all the time portals were going to be gone forever just until a little while ago anyway, right? Hadn’t you…kind of gotten used to the idea of living here in a world with no Aku?
(Jack stops for a moment and thinks about everything he’s been hearing. But then, he grits his teeth and shakes his head.)
JACK: Wait…no, no! I can’t! Think of what you’re asking me to do! You’re asking me to trade a few years of peaceful memories including painful ones of my father cutting a man in half in front of me for the only woman I’ve ever truly loved, a world full of friends who were willing to sacrifice themselves to save my life, countless alien and magical races united to build a peaceful and advanced society, the chance to see a destroyed world grow back and be restored to its former glory, and the opportunity to have a personal hand in it all and lead and guide the future to a glorious new destiny!
(Everyone stares back blankly. Jack stares back at all of them. Silence reigns.)
(Smash cut to Jack and Ashi kissing at their wedding, now set in the future with everyone in the series gathered around them and applauding them.)
(Scene opens on the white nothingness. After a moment, Ashi floats by, still in her wedding attire and looking around. Not long after, someone else floats by and bumps into her.)
NIA TEPPELIN: …So what do they have you in for?