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(Time once again for another shameless ripoff of Cinema Sins…while there’s still movies out there they haven’t done… They’re on Youtube and they’re great. Lots of good movies that are not without sin and done a lot better than I can. I recommend them highly.)

Remember this little film that was about 50 Nazis short of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”?

Everything.

Wrong.

With.

“THE MUMMY(1999)”

In the Time It Takes You to Read This or Less.

SPOILERS!

(Duh)

ARDETH(Narrating): Thebes…city of the living…

CGI Thebes is CGI.

SIN COUNT: 1

Also, narration.

SIN COUNT: 2

(Shot of Thebes when Imhotep is introduced)

Rather than show a lot of different views of Egypt, the director just decided to put ALL the monuments in one shot. This looks like something out of Las Vegas.

SIN COUNT: 3

Anck-su-namun is listed as the Pharaoh’s mistress. Is that an official royal title? The woman who you’re cheating on your wife with gets a title and everything? And no one else is allowed to cheat with her?

SIN COUNT: 4

Imhotep touches untouchable woman who has lots of body paint on to ensure anyone would see when she was touched.

SIN COUNT: 5

ARDETH(Narrating): Resting place for the sons of Pharoah…and resting place of the wealth of Egypt.

Which means Hamunaptra is not a very good place to store your country’s wealth. Were Egyptians fond of stockpiling a great deal of money just to keep it around in a big vault like Scrooge McDuck and look at it and/or swim in it from time to time?

SIN COUNT: 6

Somehow, Imhotep and his followers were able to remove all of the bandages, resin, etc. from Anck-su-namun’s corpse without tearing it up, and she still looks “fresh” after they were done.

SIN COUNT: 7

Wait, could Imhotep raise people from the dead? And normally do it to where they weren’t cursed? Why aren’t they keeping him around? Why aren’t they having him pass on his “resurrection intel” to someone else? Or if it’s forbidden, why are they keeping instructions on how to raise people from the dead in this book?

SIN COUNT: 8

ARDETH(Narrating): Imhotep’s priests were condemned to be mummified alive…

Which would be painful, to be sure…but not nearly as long or involved as this is depicting as they’d remove the vital organs in your chest first. Sure, nothing’s stopping them from going for your brain first, I guess, except the fact that they threw out the brain made it clear they figured your “core essence” was in the vital organs in your chest.

SIN COUNT: 9

All-you-need-for-mummification-is-wrap-the-guy-in-toilet-paper-cliche. Seriously, this isn’t mummifying. It’s just tying Imhotep up and killing him. Not to mention since in Egyptian culture it was the destruction of the body which was the worst thing that could happen to you in the afterlife, they’d probably inflict a greater punishment on his immortal soul not mummifying him.

SIN COUNT: 10

ARDETH(Narrating): The Hom-Dai…the worst of all ancient curses…

Here’s the biggest problem of the movie in the first place. Why in the world would you ever execute a person in such a way as to place an ancient curse on them which will cause them to reanimate as a demon corpse dedicated to destruction of mankind with all sorts of incredible powers at his or her disposal that would enable him to destroy you and anyone else that rose against him or her…not to mention will necessitate people guarding them for the rest of eternity to make sure they won’t reanimate and do any of that? This isn’t even really a curse on the individual anymore. It’s a curse on you. It’s like if you wanted a punish a dude, you’d give them a thermonuclear weapon with a launch platform and the detonator and then place the key that would activate it about 100 yards from him and only occasionally look for people to try and grab it and never make sure when they’re in the area if they found it or not.

SIN COUNT: 11

The French Foreign Legion is renown for going AWOL to look for buried treasure.

SIN COUNT: 12

(Rick O’Connell appears)

Discount Indiana Jones.

SIN COUNT: 13

This ancient tomb that Beni hides in not only can only be opened and closed from the inside, but has a stone door on rollers.

SIN COUNT: 14

Ardeth and his crew have likely not had to stop anyone from raiding Hamunaptra in literally centuries, and the one time they see a guy, they decide to let the environment decide things with him.

SIN COUNT: 15

In all fairness to Evy, setting up your free-standing, unmounted bookcases like they were dominos is pretty much begging for this scene to happen.

SIN COUNT: 16

DR. BEY: Compared to you the other plagues were a joy!

Wait…other plagues? Nerds were a plague? I think I missed that in the NIV…

SIN COUNT: 17

DR. BEY: Why do I put up with you?

To ask questions that provide lots of exposition in their answers. Duh.

SIN COUNT: 18

Did anyone else ever think it was kind of creepy Jonathan had no trouble lying next to this dried-out corpse to set up this practical joke? Also, if you think of this mummy as a freshly-killed corpse as it was at one point, Jonathan is rather sick.

SIN COUNT: 19

So while the rest of the descendants of Pharaoh’s Guards (of which the sequel reveals there are enough to take Helm’s Deep…) wander the desert as nomads, Dr. Bey is the one “point man” who takes a legitimate job and occupation. How did they decide on him? Did they have to draw straws for who got to be a “normal dude”?

SIN COUNT: 20

(Rick’s appearance in prison)

So Rick was wandering the desert for months without most toiletries, explaining how his hair got so long, yet he seemed to readily find razors until only a couple days ago.

SIN COUNT: 21

How good are these jail cells when inmates can regularly reach through the bars to assault people on the other side?

SIN COUNT: 22

WARDEN: 40!

EVY: 30!

WARDEN: 25!

EVY: Ha! Deal!

Looney Tunes.

SIN COUNT: 23

Did Rick have a large amount of money in his shoe or something? Because he not only cleaned up but was able to buy all of those firearms and the ammo for them all in one day.

SIN COUNT: 24

BURNS: Well, without my glasses, I can’t see the cards to cut them, now can I?

This line was changed from the original: “I need to establish how important my glasses are to me when they inevitably break in a later scene, leading to my fate.”

SIN COUNT: 25

HENDERSON: We’ve got ourselves someone who’s actually been there!

Or at least told us he had been…and we were stupid enough to pay him half of his price in advance.

SIN COUNT: 26

(During the shooting scene when the other group is shooting and hollering)

JONATHAN: (Sighing) Americans…

That’s racist.

SIN COUNT: 27

RICK: (To Warden) Wait here! I’ll go get help!

Looney Tunes.

SIN COUNT: 28

BENI: Hey! O’Connell! Looks to me like I got all the horses!

RICK: Hey! Beni! Looks to me like you’re on the wrong side of the river!

Although he can probably just walk across, as you two are obviously at the thinnest part of the Nile in the whole wide world if you can hear each other yelling to one another across it.

SIN COUNT: 29

Again, even after losing all their stuff, the group is able to bounce back fairly easily. Maybe they have a money gnome living in their pockets.

SIN COUNT: 30

BENI: (In regards to beating Rick to Hamunaptra) It would be my pleasure.

Why does Beni hate Rick again? So far, Beni is the one who cut and ran on Rick once before leaving him to die a second time, whereas the only thing Rick has done to Beni so far is throw him off that riverboat, which was ironically a good thing as it spared him the ensuing firefight.

SIN COUNT: 31

(The Warden almost getting hit by the rope repeatedly.)

Looney Tunes.

SIN COUNT: 32

DR. CHAMBERLAIN: They’re led by a woman. What does a woman know?

That’s sexist.

SIN COUNT: 33

(The scene with the scarab killing the Warden.)

Alright, this is pretty much the only time in Hollywood history I feel Hollywood owes an apology to an insect. A. Scarabs are dung beetles, not “flesh-eaters”. B. If they were flesh-eaters, these scarabs would suck at it because they simply tunnel through flesh en route to the brain, so these are more brain-eating zombie scarabs. C. These scarabs might as well be able to toss you around and beat you to death against the wall if they’re strong enough to burrow through shoes and flesh. D. There’s no scarab in the world that can survive being encased in molten gold and fashioned into a bauble, then lie dormant for thousands of years only to burrow out when someone who isn’t the engraver or jewel-setter grabs it. And none of that “these could be supernatural evil scarabs” because what was being dumped on Imhotep at the beginning of the film? Did the Egyptians just keep evil demon scarabs around? If those are unique scarabs, how does Evy know about them? Four sins.

SIN COUNT: 37

(Scene with the salt-acid trap.)

Ancient-civilizations-somehow-had-the-know-how-to-make-booby-traps-better-than-modern-civilizations cliche.

SIN COUNT: 38

(Jonathan yelps on grabbing the broken bottle instead of a scarab.)

Screams-makes-you-think-character-triggered-the-monstrous-thing-unknowingly-only-for-it-to-be-innocuous-cliche.

SIN COUNT: 39

How much liquor is in that bottle that everyone is able to pass it around, Evy can get drunk on it, and there still be more?

SIN COUNT: 40

Here’s your romantic development for the movie. Evy gets sexually assaulted by Rick in the prison, and then she gets drunk and rambles about her parentage and nerdiness a couple days later. It was always meant to be between them.

SIN COUNT: 41

As I said earlier, in the sequel we find out that there are thousands of the Pharaoh’s Guards’ Descendants, and pretty much their only job is making sure no one revives Imhotep. So why are only a dozen or so attacking? Do they do it in shifts?

SIN COUNT: 42

Pharaoh’s Guards’ Descendants manage to kill no one of importance in their raid.

SIN COUNT: 43

Ardeth calls retreat because Rick lights a stick of dynamite which could easily be avoided unless he decided to chase after them until it blew up.

SIN COUNT: 44

DR. CHAMBERLAIN: There’s your treasure, gentlemen!

Because while no one would care to buy a priceless ancient book that predates all other books ever written to begin with, the black market for mummified organs is quite lucrative. (By the way, the people who made this movie do know ancient Egyptians wrote down things on papyrus scrolls and tablets, not book-shaped metal constructs, right?)

SIN COUNT: 45

(On uncovering Imhotep)

Those scarabs did a terrible job devouring him. Heck, they do a better job on that one extra later in the film in the span of five seconds, whereas they had thousands of years to work on him. And, again, no talk about how the beetles might have died of old age or asphyxiation as the beetle found inside the ornamental beetles proved these beetles are also immortal.

SIN COUNT: 46

HENDERSON: (Mocking) You know, you dry that sucker out you might be able to sell him for firewood.

Because the fact that after two days we have found canoptic jars and you have found a mummy’s corpse means we have found absolutely ALL the treasure worth any value in Hamunaptra while you will never find ANYTHING of value.

SIN COUNT: 47

EVY: …That he would bring with him the ten plagues of Egypt.

Why is God helping out demon-incarnate monsters who worshiped pagan gods by “sub-letting” his plagues?

SIN COUNT: 48

The fact that Rick picked up the key to the books in Hamunaptra means that the Egyptians went to the trouble of hiding the books themselves but left the key to said books just lying out somewhere. Not sure if that negates the need for a key or is horrible practice. I suppose thousands of years ago there was a doormat somewhere with the key tucked under it.

SIN COUNT: 49

It’s true that no harm ever came from reading a book, but why does Evy feel the need to read it out loud and in its native language? Also, she happens to be unlucky enough to read the one passage that brings evil mummies to life.

SIN COUNT: 50

(The guys abandoning Burns and Beni destroying his glasses as he runs.)

Frienemies.

SIN COUNT: 51

(Evy running into Burns)

Character-keeps-his-back-to-character-and-silent-until-turned-around-to-result-in-a-jump-scare cliche.

SIN COUNT: 52

Does Imhotep need someone’s intact eyes to see? If so, how’d he find Burns in the first place? Can he only see in a blur now since he got a guy’s eyes that were bad to begin with?

SIN COUNT: 53

Evy calls to mutilated, blinded guy for help.

SIN COUNT: 54

Also, why didn’t Imhotep just drain his fluids right then and there instead of waiting until later in the movie?

SIN COUNT: 55

IMHOTEP: “Anck-su-namun?”

This is another point of confusion. Movie never seems to be able to decide whether it wants to go the route of the original “The Mummy” and have Evy be the reincarnation of Anck-su-namun that Imhotep still loves after all these years, or the full horror route where he just wants to rip out her organs and put them in the actual Anck-su-namun’s body.

SIN COUNT: 56

DANIELS: (On seeing Burns, to Ardeth) You bastards! What did you do to him?

We left him for dead after he tripped and fell. Oops, sorry…that’s what you did.

SIN COUNT: 57

Imhotep takes forever to kill Beni so that he’ll eventually say something in Hebrew literally the moment before he’s about to kill him.

SIN COUNT: 58

How does Beni speak Imhotep’s language or, at least, enough to get the gist of what he’s saying?

SIN COUNT: 59

(Scene introducing Winston)

Say Rick…have a feeling that random guy who showed up will be necessary later? Yes? Well, good thing he wandered in, said a few lines, and left again.

SIN COUNT: 60

Rather than just walk right into his room and drain him, Imhotep and Beni tease Burns a bit before finishing him off. Apparently even long-dead mummies can be trolls.

SIN COUNT: 61

Imhotep can completely ignore gunfire at this point and has all sorts of otherworldly supernatural powers, but he settles for just shoving Rick.

SIN COUNT: 62

EVY: And you think this justifies the killing of innocent people?

Evy has a point considering countless generations of these guys could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by just melting the Book of the Dead down into slag. If you’re trying to keep a demon mummy from being revived, it’s best to not leave the instructions on how to do it right next to said mummy.

SIN COUNT: 63

Seeing as Imhotep needs to kill Henderson and Daniels more than he needs to capture Evy, putting Henderson and Daniels in charge of Evy is a little like protecting a chicken coop from a fox by putting out the slowest and tastiest chickens as guards.

SIN COUNT: 64

He didn’t even leave them a cat although he knows by now Imhotep hates cats.

SIN COUNT: 65

(Rick smashes Beni in the back with a chair)

That chair would never have held anyone.

SIN COUNT: 66

(Rick holds Beni close to the ceiling fan)

I’ve smacked my head on a moving ceiling fan a few times. Pushing Beni’s head into this would hurt, sure, but not kill or maim. Maybe this is one of those unsafe 1930s fans made out of razor blades.

SIN COUNT: 67

(Imhotep kills/drains Henderson)

The fact that Imhotep is able to bust in here, immobilize Henderson while still in the form of a sandstorm, drain him dry in five seconds, and move on makes one wonder why Imhotep essentially “wastes time” with everyone else for the remainder of this movie.

SIN COUNT: 68

(Imhotep bites down on the scarab)

Except, considering the strength these things have to burrow into you, it would likely just pry Imhotep’s jaw back open and crawl out again.

SIN COUNT: 69

Evy was so upset about being left behind by Rick that she decided after fuming and trying to force the door for a few minutes: “Eh, I’ll just nap I guess.”

SIN COUNT: 70

Cartoonish Rotten Mummy Jaw Obviously CGI-Painted on Live Actor is obviously CGI-painted on a live actor.

SIN COUNT: 71

Also, I bet this movie thought I was kidding back when I did “Legend” about adding a sin to every movie that ever used CGI makeup. I wasn’t.

SIN COUNT: 72

JONATHAN: And last but not least…boils and sores.

Actually, no, Jonathan. The ten plagues in the Bible are: water-into-blood, frogs, gnats, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and the death of the first-born. Assuming that Imhotep combined flies and gnats in that one scene where he unhooked his jaw like a python and that he counted “fire from Heaven”, which is actually the Book of Kings and Elijah, not Moses, as hail, then including the locusts, the water-into-blood, the darkness, and the boils…that’s only seven. Movie gets an F in math and history.

SIN COUNT: 74

Imhotep wastes time recruiting zombie minions when he could just “sandstorm” into Rick’s now-catless group and finish his business.

SIN COUNT: 75

(Jonathan pretends to be a brainwashed minion, deceiving the zombie hoard.)

…Are you sure I’m not watching an episode of Looney Tunes? I think I am.

SIN COUNT: 76

Also, if Imhotep could “zombie boil” all these people at once, why didn’t he just do the same to Rick, Evy, etc.?

SIN COUNT: 77

WINSTON: So, what’s your little problem got to do with His Majesty’s Royal Air Corps?

Actually, as Evy pointed out earlier, as Imhotep plans to conquer the world this is everyone’s problem.

SIN COUNT: 78

(After getting dumped out of the sand twister)

BENI: What a way to travel…

Beni just quoted Daffy Duck. Ok, this is a Looney Tunes episode.

SIN COUNT: 79

Rather than make this sandstorm the kind that drains the vitality out of you once you’re stuck in it, Imhotep settles for just giving it a big troll face.

SIN COUNT: 80

Also, after trusting that “all-went-according-to-plan” the last time he left Rick, Ardeth, and Jonathan to get killed and ending up being wrong, Imhotep again just assumes they died. Apparently, even Ancient Egypt had Bond villains.

SIN COUNT: 81

EVY: (To Beni) You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance.

Evy watches Cinema Sins.

SIN COUNT: 82

(After removing the scarab from Jonathan)

Jonathan doesn’t have massive internal hemorrhaging from this thing tearing through all of his mesenteries and such burrowing through him. Skin is not like a “layer of clothes” to mammals, filmmakers.

SIN COUNT: 83

Another thing that’s never clear… Are all mummies revived innately “aligned” to Imhotep like those soldiers later, or are the priests who got horribly killed as a result of following Imhotep just still loyal to him?

SIN COUNT: 84

Last time Imhotep revived Anck-su-namun, she died soon after because he didn’t have time to put her still-fresh organs back in her. Now she’s pretty much just an undead minion like the others and can stay alive however long she wants. The Book of the Dead works at random.

SIN COUNT: 85

Also, the Book of the Dead brings the dead back to life, while the Book of Amon-Ra (or Book of the Living) kills immortal things. Apparently, Ancient Egyptians pondered the whole “park on a driveway; drive on a parkway” thing too.

SIN COUNT: 86

Do you have to actually read from the Book of the Dead to get a desired effect or just say the words? I mean…you have to actually have the book in your hand, right? Because these are all just Egyptian hieroglyphics and Egyptians had to have said similar phrases before. And they’re all really short phrases and inscriptions yet every time you say them it seems to bring someone dead back to life.

SIN COUNT: 87

Imhotep has all these gnarly powers by now yet he decides to just beat around Rick with his bare hands.

SIN COUNT: 88

(Scene with the ghostly chariot coming out and carrying away ghostly Imhotep)

Ok, my ancient Egyptian mythology is kind of bad, but I’m pretty sure the general idea here is how ancient Egyptians believed everyone had, in a sense, two souls instead of one…one giving you life and the other what carried on into the afterlife. But since the basic viewer has no idea about any of that and the filmmakers have already showed their rampant ignorance of Egyptian mythology and customs, I’m going to say pointless extra special effect scene is pointless.

SIN COUNT: 89

I’m not sure whether to be more aghast at the fact that ancient Egyptians would build a self-destruct into Hamunaptra that would have an innocent lever about as inconspicuous as one of those wall-sconces that opens a bookcase, the fact that ancient Egyptians could actually build a city self-destruct to begin with, or that the Pharaoh’s Guards’ descendants didn’t pull it long ago.

SIN COUNT: 90

(The Book of Amon-Ra gets dropped into the water)

One job, people! That’s the only reason you started the plotline of this movie to begin with!

SIN COUNT: 91

Protagonist-Vainly-Attempts-To-Save-Subordinate-Villain Cliche.

SIN COUNT: 92

(When Ardeth slaps his hand on Jonathan’s shoulder)

Cheap jump scare…but foiled by the fact Imhotep didn’t have any bandages on him.

SIN COUNT: 93

Ardeth thanks people for re-killing Imhotep in spite of the fact numerous comrades of his died as a result of their initial resurrecting of Imhotep and, as the second movie shows, Imhotep can still be re-revived so he’s kind of back where he started.

SIN COUNT: 94

Jonathan is still alive at the end of this movie for some reason although he corresponded to a character type that always dies. Even he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do now so he tries to kiss a camel.

SIN COUNT: 95

FINAL COUNT: 95

SENTENCE: KEVIN J. O’CONNOR’S ROLE IN A STEPHEN SOMMERS FILM (“You’re gonna get yours!” “Oh, like I’ve never heard that before!”)

(When Beni places the treasure on the lever that sets off the self-destruct)

COMPUTER (V.O.): Thank you for pushing the self-destruct button.

(Scene where Imhotep revives his followers)

DR. FALLICER (V.O): I’ve got friends on the other side…

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